Father Gaining Contact After Eight Years

[Disciple of Nagash]

Hi,

I was looking for some advice over my planned course of action to make contact with my daughter who I haven't see in eight years. The whole situation is quite complex but I'll try to be as straight to the point as possible:

• Approx 9 years ago I was married, had a daughter who I was named as father on the birth certificate
• Shortly afterwards (Jul 96) we split up. It was messy, the relationship had broken down long before, but the turning point was that I met another women. I did not cheat, but understandably my ex was upset and angry.
• When I left, she was left the house and all main assets, I only took personal belongings and my car. My daughter remained with my ex, and visitation for myself and grandparents was agreed.
• I then relocated to another part of the country, but still remained in contact, and planned visits.
• My ex requested that I pay maintenance, and I voluntarily contacted the CSA and set up payments.
• During this period my ex's mother effectively took control of the situation and decided to go through solicitors. After I set up the CSA, suddenly my parents were advised they were not allowed to see my daughter anymore (they still lived close by), the referenced in the letter that apparently I was abusive, unstable (apparently I seriously thought I was a vampire!!) and that neither myself nor my parents could have access.
• Finally my ex advised she was moving out of the house we had lived in, that she had "been advised" not to tell me her new location and that I could no longer see my daughter. I will admit I got angry and said / texted some nasty things I should not have done.
• From this point things went from bad to worse as I lost my new job, could not afford CSA (and thus incurred defaults), and not being aware of any legal options and being at the other end of the country, did not take further actions whilst I tried to resolve accommodation and income.
• Approx 6 months later some kind of private investigator found me and presented divorce documents, which stated I had committed adultery. Whilst technically I hadn't, I signed purely to have the matter over and done with.
• I finally started work (min wage), and initially refused to pay CSA - only because my argument was that I wanted to know where my daughter was (which they refused to tell me). Finally they took the money out of my wages.
• Since then I have spent the remaining years sorting out things financially, and other things on a personal level. Last year I finally got to a position where I could afford to move back to my home town, and I voluntarily called CSA to continue payments (so I have not missed any payments in the last 6-7 years).
• At one point I found my ex on facebook, messaged her politely asking if I could find out how my daughter was etc but she immediately blocked me.

So if you managed to stay with me though all of that, now I am in the right place and can afford to sort this out, I was thinking of lodging a contact order, and then representing myself in court. My ex has no proof that I have ever done anything wrong (no criminal record, psychological issues etc) so the silly claims are my word against hers.

My main concern is the time. I feel I do have reasons it has taken so long (I have a new family and we have badly struggled for many years), but that said I perhaps could have tried harder.

All I want to do is to make contact, and I am willing to start small (hourly visits, contact centre etc) and slowly build up to a reasonable schedule (like weekend visits). I am 100% certain that even if my ex was willing to compromise, her mother would not, we did not get on and she was unfortunately a person who held long grudges. So I am sure that (untrue) allegations will come up, but as I said, I am equally certain there will not be any proof.

So, any advice would be really appreciated. I know I haven't been a good dad but I can't fix the past, I just want to make contact and try and be there going forward.

Thank you in advance for those who have taken the time to read this.

[MissFM]

Re: Father Gaining Contact After Eight Years

The courts are obliged to put the needs of the child first and presently it's the received wisdom that contact with both parents is in the child's best interests.

It might be an idea to contact CAFCASS - https://www.cafcass.gov.uk/about-cafcass.aspx - who will be likely to be involved.

You may also find Families Need Fathers http://www.fnf.org.uk/ a useful resource.

I think you are absolutely right to go about this slowly, gently and in a non-threatening manner. It's never too late to build bridges IMVHO.

Wishing you all the very best and I hope there will be a happy result going forward for all of you. x

[Disciple of Nagash]

Re: Father Gaining Contact After Eight Years

Thank you, I appreciate this advice and I'll have a look at those links.

[leclerc]

Re: Father Gaining Contact After Eight Years

If you are representing yourself then I think the Lucy Reed Book is worth looking at as well: "The Family Court without a lawyer: A Handbook for Litigants in person".

You may not be aware but Family Law has moved on a lot in the last 8 years to the point in which, should your grandparents wish to seek contact with their grandchild that they may also have a case separate to yourself so that they can regain contact with their grandchild.

Here are the FAQ's for them if they so wish to pursue that under section 8 of The Children's Act: http://www.grandparents-association....faqs.html#what rights to grandparents have

[Amethyst]

Re: Father Gaining Contact After Eight Years

If you are representing yourself then I think the Lucy Reed Book is worth looking at as well: "The Family Court without a lawyer: A Handbook for Litigants in person".

Absolutely agree, she has some good videos too -

https://www.youtube.com/watch?featur...&v=cgAVMahol7Y
https://www.youtube.com/watch?featur...&v=FdjYtbOVS-Q
https://www.youtube.com/watch?featur...&v=2VP1yXWgtsI

[Disciple of Nagash]

Re: Father Gaining Contact After Eight Years

Thank you for the great advice. I have another question.

Recently I have received further information from which I believe I could at least get a letter to her parents if not to my ex directly.

My question is, should I? At the moment I don't believe they have any inclination that I am back or planning to go through the courts, and as such any contact will be tipping my hand. But I was wondering that if I wrote them a civilised letter, explaining my intentions and asking to meet to discuss further, would this be a better starting point?

I would really appreciate any input, as I am not sure what to do for the best.

Cheers

[MissFM]

Re: Father Gaining Contact After Eight Years

Hi D of N

My instinct would be to write the heartfelt letter.

I can't see what advantage there would be in springing anything upon them - they need to see you coming in a spirit of reconciliation, rather than as a threat out of the blue.

Whatever you do now is a new beginning and a foundation for your daughter's perception of you for the rest of your lives, so you need to behave with complete integrity. x:_tighthug__by_darkm

[Disciple of Nagash]

Re: Father Gaining Contact After Eight Years

Thank you MissFM :tinysmile_grin_t:

That's what I was thinking of, that even if there was just the slightest chance this could be resolved without going to court that I should attempt it. The difficulty would be the letter, I would want to make my intentions clear, but not come across as threatening which is going to be the hard part. I don't hold any grudges towards my ex, however I strongly suspect that they have not forgiven or forgotten, my niece saw them the other day and they recognised her and apparently the looks directed towards her were not pleasant. I had hoped after 8 years things might have moved on a little.

[MissFM]

Re: Father Gaining Contact After Eight Years

Yes - what might have happened is that their attitude has hardened and you have been demonised, which is maybe understandable.

My personal view is that, if you write in a spirit of supplication and wishing to put things right it might work.

Even if it doesn't (work), it seems the right thing to do and I don't think you have anything to lose, whereas blasting into court without trying the alternative route might be perceived as threatening.

[Disciple of Nagash]

Re: Father Gaining Contact After Eight Years

Hi again. I have spent some time and come up with the following letter. It is a little short but I thought it best to be straight to the point. I would really appreciate any feedback:

It has been nearly eight years since we last spoke, and I imagine that a letter out of the blue like this will come as something of a shock. I know your first reaction might be to ignore this, but please I urge you to read the letter as it contains important information regarding XXXX.

To start with would like to clarify one thing; this letter is not in any way intended to be threatening or aggressive, and if anyway it comes across as that I apologise in advance. My intent behind sending this letter is to try and open some kind of communication between us, and also so you are aware of my intentions.

To come straight to the point, I would like to begin seeing XXXX and to become part of her life again. Since I last saw her all those years ago, not a day has gone by in which I haven’t thought about her and missed her. I am not sure what you believe I wanted back then, but I never wanted to be out of her life and I certainly never stopped loving her.

In the years in between I have a few times tried to find XXXX, but unfortunately my lack of funds and the distance made things extremely difficult. I know this is perhaps not sufficient reason, but at the time I thought I was doing the best I could.

Things have now changed. In the past few years I have managed to achieve financial stability, and in due course I have now relocated back to the XXXX area, with one of my main aims to find and become part of XXXX’s life again. My initial thoughts were to immediately progress through the courts, but after reconsideration I did not think it was fair to you or XXXX to get a courts summons out of nowhere.

So I decided to send this letter, on the off chance that you would perhaps be willing to at least talk to me. I don’t want to come barging in XXXXs life by the courts if I can help it, I would much prefer if we could somehow discuss it and avoid a situation that will no doubt be very stressful for both of us. I have no idea how you feel towards me, but I can honestly say I hold no grudges or anger towards you, I am just a father wanting to get to know his daughter.

I have no misconceptions that in itself that would be a slow process, and would have to start off small and go from there. Again if we could talk, this is something we could discuss and come to an agreement on, with a plan that both of us would be comfortable with. In the end if we can at least be civil with one another I am sure it would be best for everyone, especially XXXX. If we could come to an agreement, from my end I would be more than happy to discuss other things other than just visitation if you wanted. For example additional financial support, as I know things like school trips etc can build up to be very expensive.

I really hope you will at least think about this, and even if we just talk and not commit to anything it would be a step in the right direction. I would be more than happy to meet with you, and if you wanted to bring someone like your Mum / partner etc, I wouldn’t have a problem with that. From that discussion we can then at least be both clear on where we stand and go from there.

In the event you do want to reply to me, I can be contacted at the following email address: TBC

Once again, I hope this letter does not come across badly, but that you can see I don’t want to cause trouble, I only want to see XXXX. I really hope to hear off you soon.

Yours faithfully


Does that come across ok?

[MissFM]

Re: Father Gaining Contact After Eight Years

It certainly melted my heart, DofN :hug:

You should edit out your daughter's name on forum (towards the end - last sentence, in fact).

Maybe yours faithfully is a little formal? "Yours sincerely" or even something more personal?

[Disciple of Nagash]

Re: Father Gaining Contact After Eight Years

Thank you for the feedback, I was really unsure! Hopefully if it melted yours it might do the same for my ex's.

I know what you mean about the ending, I just wasn't sure what would be appropriate. I'll go with sincerely instead as I can't think of another alternative that isn't too personal.

Thanks again

[MissFM]

Re: Father Gaining Contact After Eight Years

xxxx

[Disciple of Nagash]

Re: Father Gaining Contact After Eight Years

I might be going a bit mad, but didn't your post contain suggested alterations, as now there are just x's?

[MissFM]

Re: Father Gaining Contact After Eight Years

Sorry Dof N - yes I did make a couple of suggestions then had second thoughts as it's from your heart not mine so I removed the post!

I was just slightly worried that the mention of court and stress might come across as a veiled threat but it was possibly overthinking x

(If you want me to put it back, I will - it's just impossible to fully comprehend all the possible resonances without being you)