Child access problem

[stunner1901]

Hi and thanks in advance for reading

My son has suffered an irreconcilable split from his ex and our granddaughter is now a pawn in their game.

His ex is denying him access saying that he is untrustworthy as he drinks and does smoke weed ( never when he is with his daughter) although she also drinks and her family smoke weed in the house!!!

We have spoken to CAB and they have pointed us towards the local mediation team but there are a number of issues I need to clarify

1. - she is saying he can only see her with the mum there - is this acceptable?

2. - He is paying 50 a week maintenance although cab advised only 36 is needed. This should enable over night stays which he doesn't get. He has asked for 2 hours every other Saturday and one night in the week at the mums convenience. Again is this unreasonable?

3. - We have threatened court proceedings for both parental and grandparental access. Are there any pitfalls we should be aware of?

4 - The big issue is he has been stupid and spent her half of their shared mortgage savings account. The bank issued a cheque in just my sons name and he spent all of it instead of paying her share. I am right to say this would be a straight county court issue or could it be used against him in the access fight? I ask because this is also a reason she is using to deny him access.

5. - I'm just hoping to ensure we have all corners covered as she comes from a very wealthy family who can afford expensive solicitors and unfortunately, we are a working class family who will probably need to self-represent.


again thanks in advance
Steve

[wales01man]

Re: Child access problem

Duplicate

[wales01man]

Re: Child access problem

First thing is to stop the Dope smoking that's a good reason for her to oppose any contact,Then seek some advice if there is money on there side you may need some help /
Don't let it become a war between them its the Child that matters

[stunner1901]

Re: Child access problem

Thanks

He knows the dope has gotta stop but catch 22 he's heartbroken and it's comfort, etc., etc. but he will stop

i have text her personally and said let's be sensible but it falls on deaf ears. All she wants to do is slag him off.

The daughter is 9 months old and she still says she is too young to be away from her mum!! Very neurotic and stupid and vindictive.


she attacked my son in the street outside our house a fortnight ago in front of neighbours who said we should press assault charges!, she was that wild !!

both of them to blame but she won't listen to reason just using baby as weapon

[MissFM]

Re: Child access problem

1. - she is saying he can only see her with the mum there - is this acceptable? It's acceptable for her to insist on visits being supervised for the child's sake.

2. - He is paying 50 a week maintenance although cab advised only 36 is needed. This should enable over night stays which he doesn't get. He has asked for 2 hours every other Saturday and one night in the week at the mums convenience. Again is this unreasonable? How much he pays and contact with his child are separate issues - he is not "buying" access to his child.

3. - We have threatened court proceedings for both parental and grandparental access. Are there any pitfalls we should be aware of? Yes - please don't do this, it will be an own goal.

4 - The big issue is he has been stupid and spent her half of their shared mortgage savings account. The bank issued a cheque in just my sons name and he spent all of it instead of paying her share. I am right to say this would be a straight county court issue or could it be used against him in the access fight? I ask because this is also a reason she is using to deny him access. Stealing from the mother of his child is unlikely to endear him to a judge.

5. - I'm just hoping to ensure we have all corners covered as she comes from a very wealthy family who can afford expensive solicitors and unfortunately, we are a working class family who will probably need to self-represent. What you need to do, IMVHO, is build bridges and not inflame the situation any further. Your son should hold his hands up and grovel if necessary, stop the drugs and prove that he values his daughter sufficiently to radically change his ways. He should pay his ex back the money he took from her, too.

I'm really sorry if this sounds harsh, Stunner, but assure you it is kindly meant. I can quite understand why your son's ex feels dreadfully betrayed and incandescent with rage.

If you want to help, DON'T TEXT. Send her a handwritten, well-considered letter from the heart saying how much your granddaughter means to you and to your family and how you and your son are willing to do whatever it takes to be a part of her life. Above all, express regrets for mistakes made and hope that she can forgive for the child's sake.

I also don't think 9 months old is that mature - babies of that age are often not ready to stay away from their mothers (or primary carers) - overnight can feel like an eternity.

Good wishes, above all. x

[stunner1901]

Re: Child access problem

Hi MissFM

Not what I hoped for tbh but oh well.

Could I ask you to elaborate though pls.

1. Will a judge pass that as a condition? I feel it is a serious attack on the morality of our family for that to be enforced.

2. The point CAB made was he is not seeing her as he deserves to? Again would this not be looked at by a judge?

3. Why would it be an own goal? Surely we have a right and ,even due to his wrongdoings, we as grandparents have a right to see our granddaughter?

4. Stealing is perhaps harsh but yes I do agree to this but surely she cannot deny access on these grounds.

5. She will not budge on her terms, we can only see as stated and with her present. IMO they are both very much to blame, him for being stupid and her for being over controlling so why should the mother get to call all the shots? She will not accept payments other than cash which I've refused to allow him to do because we need a paper trail to cover him and then in the next breath says " he hasn't paid". No win situation

These are the reasons I have sought your expert help!!

Surely as the father being away from the mum is not that hard??? And the clinginess has been created through the mums neuroticism


i am am not questioning your knowledge just very frustrated that she gets to call the shots all the time. We watched our son be destroyed by the way he was treated

very hard and very upsetting sorry!!!

Again thanks

Stunner x

[MissFM]

Re: Child access problem

Hi MissFM

Not what I hoped for tbh but oh well.

Could I ask you to elaborate though pls.

1. Will a judge pass that as a condition? I feel it is a serious attack on the morality of our family for that to be enforced.

2. The point CAB made was he is not seeing her as he deserves to? Again would this not be looked at by a judge?

3. Why would it be an own goal? Surely we have a right and ,even due to his wrongdoings, we as grandparents have a right to see our granddaughter?

4. Stealing is perhaps harsh but yes I do agree to this but surely she cannot deny access on these grounds.

5. She will not budge on her terms, we can only see as stated and with her present. IMO they are both very much to blame, him for being stupid and her for being over controlling so why should the mother get to call all the shots? She will not accept payments other than cash which I've refused to allow him to do because we need a paper trail to cover him and then in the next breath says " he hasn't paid". No win situation

These are the reasons I have sought your expert help!!

Surely as the father being away from the mum is not that hard??? And the clinginess has been created through the mums neuroticism


i am am not questioning your knowledge just very frustrated that she gets to call the shots all the time. We watched our son be destroyed by the way he was treated

very hard and very upsetting sorry!!!

Again thanks

Stunner x

Hi Stunner,

Yes, I do have huge sympathy with you and your family :hug:. To a certain extent my previous post was a "Devil's advocate" stance - and it's just my (not legally qualified) opinion, others may see things quite differently.

However, I think you do have to look very circumspectly at what you hope to achieve and the best means to that end. In my experience, that would be to lower the temperature as much as possible so that everyone can think more clearly - and drawing up battle lines tends to have the opposite effect.

The only thing that really matters is that your granddaughter's interests come first and access to both parents is generally considered by the courts to be in the best interests of the child. Supervised access would be more of a gateway (I would hope) and a starting point to more regular, unsupervised visits.

Yes, a judge can rule for this and the drug/alcohol use would be a good enough reason in general.

As a grandparent I am horrified that we actually have few, if any, legal rights to see our grandchildren but hope that this will soon be changing. I can see that all the hurt and anger is raw and intense all round - please do try to take a long view and aim for reconciliation, even if it means eating (indigestible) humble pie. It doesn't really matter who's right or who's wrong - just a happy long term result, which will mean compromise and active goodwill all round.

You might find Families Need Fathers http://www.fnf.org.uk/ a very useful resource.

[wales01man]

Re: Child access problem

The mother and her mother seem to be calling all the shots here problem is they not be willing to reach any agreement that suits both parents.
You and the father need some good sensible advice maybe a Solicitor .
On this Forum there are members who have experience of cases exactly as yours they will come on and help but you have to realise Children easily become a weapon between 2 parents and a long drawn out battle full of accusations ensues

[jami Mullen]

Re: Child access problem

great discussion

[Shirley Temple]

Re: Child access problem

My daughter is going through a similar situation, but the opposite way around,
she split from the dad last week unsure of the reasons why,
On Friday just gone thinking she was doing the right thing she asked the dad if he wanted to collect their son on Friday morning and bring him back Sat morning (child is 8 months old),
As soon as he was back at his house he sent a text saying he was not handing him back n she was never gonna see her son again, I had my daughter I tears over the phone to me,,, she called the police and they put her throught to the police in his county who informed her that because the little boy was in a safe/clean and warm enviroment and the father was on the birth certificate there was nothing they could do and if she tried to forcefully take the baby back she would be charged with kidnap,
we had a very long weekend, went to see a solicitor who informed her that the police in his county were wrong they should have got the child back, her county police escorted her to get her son that day,,,,,,,
The point to this long story I want to make is as seeing how upset my daughter was over the weekend I can understand how any mother would not let her child out of her sight to start with and the baby needed his mum,,, my grandson did nothing but screamed the whole weekend for his mummy so in my opinion a night away from their mummy at their age is not fair to the child, they need their mummy at that age,,
sorry if this is not what you wanted to hear xxx