Mediation advice

[barty9]

Hi,

I was disappointed to see my ex out having a drink on Friday evening whilst her parents were looking after my little girl which was usually my overnight contact time....
I feel like it was blatant rubbing salt into my wounds of limited contact time just because she can! would this be something I should bring up in mediation in the next coming weeks?

I want to be the first person to be asked to look after my daughter should she want a night out.

[Inca]

Re: Mediation advice

Hi and welcome to LegalBeagles.
If you have mediation appointments set up then yes,,you can ask (not demand) to have your child when her Mum goes out but she can also say No,
Has your contact been set by the court?

[barty9]

Re: Mediation advice

thanks for your reply inca... we will have a joint contact mediation meeting in around 2 weeks time. sadly i have been messed around with regard to contact time with my daughter which is now down to 12 hours per week . I think it will most likely move onto a court date next year.

[Inca]

Re: Mediation advice

If I tell you you're lucky to get 12 hours without a court ordered contact arrangement please don't think I'm being harsh.It's a sad fact of separation/divorce that kids invariably get used as pawns/weapons.
Do you think your ex will attend mediation? Who instigated the mediation? This is a link to 'families need fathers'
www.fnf.org.uk..
Also try and source some proper legal advice,,these cases have a nasty habit of turning in WW3 very very quickly.

[barty9]

Re: Mediation advice

At the moment it has been all my own doing to seek more contact time. It started with a firm but fair letter from a solicitor about 3 months ago with a reply from her to question my cleanliness and hygiene in the house!

We have both had mediation as individuals and next up is the group meeting which i think she will attend but i am unsure we will come to an agreement. I am definitely up against it because she works for the constabulary alongside her father and her mother has only recently retired from the force.

[MissFM]

Re: Mediation advice

Hi Barty

Can't add to Inca's good counsel except to entreat you to remain as conciliatory and friendly as possible, always keeping in mind that your daughter's interests are the important ones here, even if your ex seems to be spoiling for a fight (don't get drawn in!). In my experience, in the absence of any pressing reason to the contrary, the courts would normally look at broadly equal contact/custody as best for the child - ie your daughter would come to you, say, every other weekend and one weeknight on a regular but flexible basis. Obviously, with very young children/babies the time away from the parent who is considered the main carer may differ.

Are Cafcass involved? It should make no difference how well connected your ex-wife is - just your daughter's best interests. Again, access to both parents is nowadays considered best for children.

The other reason I'd like to add my two penny worth is to put in a plea for Grandparents who tend to treasure time spent with their Grandchildren and vice versa. Maybe the Grandparents particularly asked to have the child that evening and your ex took the opportunity to go out rather than any other agenda?

Good luck.

[Inca]

Re: Mediation advice

Ok,,lets break this down and see if and where we can offer advice,,but please bear in mind anything said by us is only garnered by life experiences..this is NOT legal advice and should not be treated as such.
A few questions for you (you don't have to answer of course but it helps chronologically)

1....Are you and the ex married?
2....Are you named on the childs Birth Certificate?
3....How old is the child?
4....How long ago did you split with the ex?
5....Did you live together as a family?
6....Was the split amicable? (I'm thinking not but maybe things have changed)

And I totally concur with MissFM,,grandparents on BOTH sides should be allowed to play an active role in a childs life regardless of the parents animosity towards each other.

Thats enough questions to start with..feel free to tell me to mind my own business

[barty9]

Re: Mediation advice

Thank you so much for your input:

1....Are you and the ex married? No
2....Are you named on the childs Birth Certificate? Yes
3....How old is the child? 19 months
4....How long ago did you split with the ex? 11 months
5....Did you live together as a family? No
6....Was the split amicable? (I'm thinking not but maybe things have changed)
Relatively amicable – I have always just wanted a greater contact time with my daughter which has been consistently denied and changed.
I currently live in the family home with which an offer was made yesterday and I requested a night to sleep on it…. again contact time was denied at the doorstep because I wouldn’t make my mind up immediately.

[barty9]

Re: Mediation advice

Hi MissFM - I really appreciate your response during this difficult time. CAFCASS are not involved but unfortunately a doorstep argument regarding contact time was reported to the police early last month and in turn social services wrote me a letter. It was alleged that i had shouted and caused my daughter distress (this was not true because she was upstairs in her cot having a nap) A verbal recommendation was made by social services to my ex to cease my overnight contact time (one Friday overnight) ... I now continue to do the merry dance which is being put in front of me.

All i am seeking is more consistent and equal contact time with our daughter.

Hi Barty

Can't add to Inca's good counsel except to entreat you to remain as conciliatory and friendly as possible, always keeping in mind that your daughter's interests are the important ones here, even if your ex seems to be spoiling for a fight (don't get drawn in!). In my experience, in the absence of any pressing reason to the contrary, the courts would normally look at broadly equal contact/custody as best for the child - ie your daughter would come to you, say, every other weekend and one weeknight on a regular but flexible basis. Obviously, with very young children/babies the time away from the parent who is considered the main carer may differ.

Are Cafcass involved? It should make no difference how well connected your ex-wife is - just your daughter's best interests. Again, access to both parents is nowadays considered best for children.

The other reason I'd like to add my two penny worth is to put in a plea for Grandparents who tend to treasure time spent with their Grandchildren and vice versa. Maybe the Grandparents particularly asked to have the child that evening and your ex took the opportunity to go out rather than any other agenda?

Good luck.

[Inca]

Re: Mediation advice

Contact denied at doorstep? Can you expand on this please.
I'm a bit confused,,you didn't live together but you are living in/trying to sell the 'family home'?
What 'contact' is agreed between you? (even if ex is denying it)
Has there been any 'violence' between you and your ex (physical and/or verbal)?
As regards the ex's family working in the constabulary,,yes it may give them the upper hand as regards accessing legal advice but that should be all.
You HAVE to make sure you don't say or do anything that can and will be used against you when/if this ends up in court.
Are you employed?

[barty9]

Re: Mediation advice

Contact denied at doorstep? Can you expand on this please. – This for me was purely down to me not making a decision yesterday on the sale of the house. (I usually have my daughter Monday for one hour but this was rearranged due to an incident at nursery)

I'm a bit confused,,you didn't live together but you are living in/trying to sell the 'family home'? sorry I wasn’t clear - we lived for 2 years in the family home before separating December 2012.


What 'contact' is agreed between you? (even if ex is denying it)
For 10 months it was Monday 1 hour 5:30pm – 6:30pm, Wednesday 1 hour 5:30pm – 6:30pm, Friday overnight from 5:30pm until Saturday 5pm.
With the recent unhelpful input from social services it has been decieded that overnight contact should cease. Friday and Saturday now look like this:
Friday 1 hour 5:30pm – 6:30pm
Saturday 8am – 5pm
Has there been any 'violence' between you and your ex (physical and/or verbal)? No physical or verbal violence – we have of course bickered over silly things like washing the dishes or cleaning the bathroom but nothing that would warrant any intervention.

As regards the ex's family working in the constabulary,,yes it may give them the upper hand as regards accessing legal advice but that should be all.
You HAVE to make sure you don't say or do anything that can and will be used against you when/if this ends up in court. – thanks, I am trying my very best to keep a lid on things.
Early on in the relationship breakdown I was requested to stop sending frequent text messages which I immediately heeded the warning.

Are you employed? – yes full time Mon-Fri

[Inca]

Re: Mediation advice

5....Did you live together as a family? No
I'm a bit confused,,you didn't live together but you are living in/trying to sell the 'family home'? sorry I wasn’t clear - we lived for 2 years in the family home before separating December 2012.

You appear to be contradicting yourself Barty ?????

[barty9]

Re: Mediation advice

i read this incorrectly, apologies, - we did live together as a family until December 2012. My ex then moved to her parents house to live with our daughter.

[barty9]

Re: Mediation advice

First mediation meeting complete and I am pleased to announce I will go back to having overnight contact time with our daughter as a result of my ex happy with my continued calm attitude. Behaving like a robot with absolutely no emotion has worked!

Perhaps the meeting was a reminder that contact time really matters to both parents. I am ecstatic overnight contact time once a week has been restored. Second mediation meeting will be next month because that is all I can really afford. I do hope that the balance in contact time will even itself out and that I avoid going to court altogether. Happy Christmas to one and all from a very happy Daddy.

[MissFM]

Re: Mediation advice

That's wonderful news, Barty! :HOXmasFelf007: Congratulations and very well done on maintaining your cool.

I hope a corner has now been turned for you all - wishing you lovely times ahead with your daughter and a very

Happy Christmas!:fireside: