Contact Order & CAFCASS

[AllanKevin]

Hi Amethyst, thanks for asking....the first hearing went ok.

My ex tried to have the hearing adjourned stating that the papers had gone to the wrong address and also she had to pick the kids up from school at 3.30 (the time of the hearing) laughable as she is self employed and always works until at least 6 on that day, and her mum always picks the kids up anyway.

They even persisted trying to adjourn as we were sat in front of the judge. He gave them short shrift and refused their application to adjourn as it was in the best interests of the children to "crack on" As expected (my solicitor pre warned me ) my ex lied and stated the children didnt want to see me and the eldest child was scared of me.

I was not expecting that bit at all. It would be funny if it wasnt so sad as I am the one that rarely raises his voice and I never idulge in the screaming and shouting antics my ex is prone to. Its a worry as the ex does her utmost to disrupt what little contact I have, at the moment I only really get to see the youngest child (I have 2 girls of 8 and 9 years old) up to January this year I had them overnight on Fridays unles my ex decided she was taking them somewhere.

Quite often the girls would bring a friend for sleepovers and sometimes they would bring a friend each. There was never a problem and often it was even easier with 4 of them as they got on with whatever game they were playing.

In January my Mum was in hospital and because of the limitations imposed by my ex wasnt getting to see her grandchildren. One day whilst collecting the eldest girl from school (her sister was off sick) she asked if her friend could come and this time I refused as I wanted to take her to see her gran in hospital for half an hour. She had a bit of a tantrum because her friend couldnt come and said she wanted to be taken home. I took her home to her mums and tried to explain to her that it was unfair to expect her friend to be able to come every single time and not very nice that she was refusing to come unless her friend came along too. I was calm and thought what I was saying was pretty reasonable.

However a few days later she phoned me from my exes mobile and screamed abuse at me....it was like listening to my ex speaking through my daughter. Instead of doing the decent thing and backing what I had said my ex used it against me and has now convinced the child that I dont love her. Also at the same time stopping any overnight contact at all with either child. The youngest wants to see me as often as she can but her mother goes out of her way to stop it....usually by arranging things for her to do and places to go during "my" time with her. So its not just a case of her not promoting contact with dad but her actively stopping it. Of course theres loads more but maybe here isnt the place.

My solicitor seems pretty good and seems to have a very accurate grasp of the situation, they have seen it all before I suppose? Now I am in the position of having to wait 16 weeks for Cafcass to do their report and I worry about what further damage will be done in the meantime. Its awful that it comes to this when the matter could be easily sorted by both parents working together. I thought she would stop being as hard work as she was regarding my contact when the final hearing of the divorce was out of the way.

She did very well out of it all and yet she has got even worse. I honestly think it all comes down to the fact I have never reacted in anyway to all her nonsense since seperation and that I even took it on the chin when I got completely spanked financially (I have spoken to enough solicitors since to know I came out very badly indeed) She know the only way she can really hurt me is though the children and thats what she persists in doing. I just hope Cafcass and the judge can see through all the nonsense.

I didnt mean to make such a long reply, this is a subject I could go on about forever :sad1:

[PlanB]

Re: Lowells BW Legal Statutory Demand Urgent- WON!!!

I didnt mean to make such a long reply, this is a subject I could go on about forever

Do you want to start a new thread on this because I would like to contribute my thoughts. I have been an ex-wife and a stepmother so I've seen it from all angles. My daughter refused point black to stay with her father unless she brought a friend along. It gave her some sense of continuity.

We both took the view that it was all about Her and not Me or Him. Access often got scuppered when she had a ballet exam or a tennis tournament at the last minute. In the early days we did have countless court orders which were all ignored when chickenpox kicked in or something a court can't legislate for. She was always telling me she hated her father because she thought that showed her loyalty to me. She didn't really hate him, she hated the pair of us for disrupting her whole world. It gets very complicated in a child's head.

[AllanKevin]

Re: Lowells BW Legal Statutory Demand Urgent- WON!!!

Hi Plan B, yes I will probably start a thread at some point. At the moment I seem to spend just about all my time talking and writing about my kids and the lack of contact with them. I have a lot to write out for my solicitor so will probably start a thread when I have done that.

I understand what you mean re continuity and having their friends over etc. For the most part it wasnt a problem and I actually enjoyed it as it made my time with the kids more "normal" somehow and surprisingly it was easier with 3 or 4 than just the 2 of them. We had lots of great trips and went all sorts of places and a lot of old friends came out of the woodwork after my seperation and they had kids of the same ages etc and there was a lot of invites to various things...kids parties, camping, etc etc And I think thats where the problem started in that my children were enjoying time with their dad and I dont think the ex was expecting that. And thats where the problems started, I thought I was doing quite well with them and then bit by bit it all started. Theres so many incidents I cant begin to mention them all...she would take them away in the summer holidays for 2 weeks and also arrange stuff either side of the holidays trips away etc (without herself on some occasions) so I would only see them twice in the full 6 weeks. My mum had a place in Portugal where we would holiday as a family approx 3 weeks every year. The last time we went was 2010 and she refused to let them go with me in 2011 saying they could go the following year. Of course in 2012 she refused again and the same this year even though both girls wanted to go (for just one week) She will text me hours before I am due to collect the girls to say "they arent coming as they have made other arrangements" when I see them the following week they tell me "we had to go to trafford centre with Mummy" The girls often say that mummy says "Daddys not a nice person, Lazy, Selfish, Nasty, Cant look after us" and so on.

You have to remember I spent 16 years with this woman and I know her very well and the reason we seperated is I couldnt tolerate her nastiness any longer, not just towards me but to others around us. Quite by accident a year or so back I discovered correspondance between my ex and her best friend where they discussed in great detail how "stopping me seeing the kids would show me and hurt me more than anything" the same conversation discussed at length how ill my mother was and "how much better it will be if she dies soon" this simply because I would inherit the property in Portugal and that would be thrown into the divorce pot along with the house that up to a few years ago was in my mothers name (the ex got 75%) of that in the divorce along with about £30k worth of stuff that she never paid a penny towards. I am not bothered about that, its just things as my mum used to say. She even invented large debts to family and friends to get even more in the divorce....again thats "just things" and I never lost a moments sleep because of it. But the thing with my children is a whole different ball game and she knows that.

This is a woman who (small selection here) a week after telling the kids were were seperating had moved to another town 7 miles away and then days after they had returned to school after the summer holidays moved the eldest child (6 years old at that time) to another school leaving the youngest (5 at the time) at the original school. They are very close and were hearbroken when told of the seperation. Within a week they were seperated from each other for the following 6 months until a place was found at the new school for the youngest. A few months later I went to collect both girls for tea one evening, they got in the car in floods of tears and handed me a letter that they said "will upset you" The letter had been discussed with them (hence the tears) and stated they wouldnt be allowed to stay overnight with me again.....this was due to an earlier disagreement I had with the ex. She had previously stopped any contact with the children because I had taken the girls to see their cousins and their aunty, simply my ex didnt like the aunty because she had divorced my exes brother (violent behaviour amongst other things) Simply the ex didnt like the fact that my girls could see their cousins through me and not just her. My ex constantly makes sure I know I can have contact / holidays if I pay her.....I pay her through the csa and she isnt happy with the amount. I have umpteen texts from her saying I cant expect contact unless I pay more than I do. Its almost comical as I have been in very poor finacial state for the last few years and have managed to have a 1 week holiday in 2 years whilst my ex has managed 6 weeks in Greece, 1 week in Rome, a week in San Francisco, a week in Las Vegas, a week in Spain and countless city breaks etc in the same timescale. My mum died at Easter and she even sent me a text saying I should send her some money from the insurance payout!!! I pointed out she didnt have any insurance and it was me who had to pay for her funeral and all the stuff related to probate and she could contribute if she wanted to....she didnt reply.

The whole thing is very worrying and I still try to be reasonable with her and reach out saying enough is enough and its harming the kids but it falls on deaf ears. Its harming the kids and is truly awful. They are definitely confused by it all. I still have regular (ish) contact with my youngest and shes always happy to come and we are very close even given the limitations of time. However I do worry as she seems to be relishing the role of being the good girl by coming every week and having daddy to herself, she clams up when I mention the elder girl almost as if she doesnt want her to come as she alone gets all the attention.

I really dont know where its all going to end, I do know its doing damage to the both of them and somehow the ex seems oblivious or blames me for it all. Ive spent over 2 years fighting to be just a small part of my childrens life without really getting anywhere without solicitors/court etc.

Maybe I should start that thread?

[PlanB]

Re: Lowells BW Legal Statutory Demand Urgent- WON!!!

Maybe Admin will move these last few posts to a new thread to save you the bother of starting a new one If you'd like that then send a PM to Amethyst or Celestine.

What I can say is that my daughter is now 28 years old and she hasn't seen or spoken to her father for 9 years. I decided that at eighteen it was her decision on what to do. We rarely speak about those post divorce days but when we do she says she was so confused and tried to please both parents which ended up with her upsetting herself.

I also had two step-daughters in my life from the ages of 8yrs and 10yrs. They couldn't have been more different. One loved me and one loathed me but I was the same *me* only getting different reactions. One of them refused to see her father (my husband at the time) and only reconnected with him when she had her first baby a decade later.

I'm told boys handle parents' divorce better. Maybe we woman are prone to be more manipulative starting at a very early age :drama:

[Inca]

Re: Lowells BW Legal Statutory Demand Urgent- WON!!!

Hi......yep...a new thread on this would be great cos boy,oh,boy I can relate to your situation and can tell you exactly what your ex is playing at and can probably predict her next moves.
I'm a twice divorced Mum of one son,,stepmum to a 26yrold girl & 23 yr old boy(=2nd husband) and my latest addition is a nr 15yr old girl who has Satans Mistress as a mother

[Inca]

Re: Contact Order & CAFCASS

Thankyou Amethyst xxxxxx

[Inca]

Re: Contact Order & CAFCASS

I'm a bit tired tonight to go through your post and rip your ex's actions apart bit by bit but I will give you a few pointers to start with.
Firstly...keep a diary..record every event,every conversation,keep every text,every email,don't miss anything out..dates..times etc etc
And most importantly..keep 'clean hands'..by this I mean do NOT rise to any bait..it's a big ask but it'll do your case the world of good. If your children try discussing Mum with you tell them firmly but kindly that you and Mummy are the grown ups and they are too young and precious to have to worry and fret about what the 'big people' are doing,but that you love them and will always protect them.
Don't allow yourself to become a 'soft touch'...your ex seems to be calling all the shots here,,and she will abuse that privilege at every opportunity.
Check out a website called Families Need Fathers...there's great advice on there and I,,along with many other Beagles,,have experience in this sorry situation and will help out as much as we can

[AllanKevin]

Re: Contact Order & CAFCASS

Hi again, its been an hectic few weeks. Yes my ex is fairly predictible with her behaviour! A common them is she constantly arranges things for them to do when its supposed to be my time with them, more often than not its stuff like going to Blackpool pleasure beach and suchlike and quite often its with other kids that my too enjoy being with. Its putting the kids in the position of choosing between a day with me or a big day out with all their friends etc. It happens all the time and I get a text from the ex the day before (sometimes a few hours before) I am meant to be seeing the kids to say "The girls have made other arrangements" Funnily enough that seems to have stopped since we were in court! I got my exes statement a couple of days ago, I have never seen anything like it....she has made 30 different points (though a lot of them are the same thing) and 90% of it is totally untrue, the rest is a very exagerated account of very minor things. Its unbelievable.

[Inca]

Re: Contact Order & CAFCASS

You should send your ex a text/email asking her exactly and precisely what it would take for you to get regular uninterrupted access to your children (and if she's dopey enough she will commit to the written word that it's all about money,,that would be worth it's weight in gold as the remit is maintenance doth not mean contact and vice versa)