Caring For Elderly Relatives

[Jester]

Seeing some of the threads here, I would suspect that somebody knows where I can find the following information to help me make an informed decision.

Background
Over the last 10 days, my Mother-In-Law (who is her 80's) health has deteriorated rapidly. So much so, that she is now totally confused most of the time and has no idea what is going on (she seems to be re-living 10 years ago as she believes her husband is still alive - he died 7 years ago). We initially thought it may be down to a urine infection, but the doctor prescribed her anti-biotics that would have cleared that up several days ago. She is off for blood and urine tests later today to see if anything else may be causing this. However, I have sat down with my better half and discussed with her that her Mother may simply be showing worsening signs of Alzheimers or Dementia. As my better half has worked in care homes for more than 25 years, she recognises that this may be the case as she has seen it so many times before. As she is no longer capable of looking after herself, she is now living with us. My better half's brothers are coming down this weekend as the three of them need to get together and sort out how they are going to deal with her affairs as she is no longer capable of dealing with them herself. In my view, they need to seek 'powers-of-attorney' over their Mother's affairs on the grounds that she can no longer make any such decisions herself.

So, as it looks like her Mother is probably going to need 24x7 care from now on, we have two options.

1. She goes into a care home where she will get 24x7 care. Problem is that my better half, having worked in care for over 25 years, knows how poorly some (but by no means all) carers treat the people under such care. Therefore, that is not something she wants to readily consider.

2. As my better half is already more than qualified to look after her Mother, then another option is for her to give up her care job and instead care for her mother full-time. The problem with this option is that we cannot afford for her to give up work as we need the money coming into the household.

I am aware of things such as Carer's Allowance and Attendance Allowance. These are things that would help if my better half were to become her Mother's full-time carer. But I very much doubt that those alone would make up the shortfall of her giving up her job to provide full-time care. So my question is if anyone knows where we can get further information on what help we may be able to get on this. I presume the first step is Social Services, but I am also sure that much of this kind of information is probably already out there on the internet somewhere. So any pointers/advice would be greatly received.

Thanks

[enaid]

Re: Caring For Elderly Relatives

Hi Jester,
Well it appears to me as Dementia but only a brain scan can accurately diagnose that.

Age Uk http://www.ageuk.org.uk/home-and-car...ce-for-carers/

Carers Uk http://www.carersuk.org/

These both are full of advice and help with what you are entitled to.

Direct Payments maybe an option but assessments are needed to obtain this http://www.nhs.uk/CarersDirect/guide...tpayments.aspx

My daughter is in receipt of Direct payments so am a bit clued up on that if you need help.

You should also check the benefits calculators see just what you are entitled to if your wife does give up work.

[Jester]

Re: Caring For Elderly Relatives

Hey Enaid,

Been a long time eh ?

I'd be very surprised if we can claim any benefits. I am considered a high-earner (through Gormless George's eyes as he also stopped our Child Benefit) so benefits simply would not come into the equation. As you will recall, I got into serious financial problems a few years ago when I was unemployed for 18 months. It meant I had to enter into an IVA and so every penny is accounted for these days. Though the light at the end of the tunnel is that I only have just over a year left on the IVA and I will be totally debt-free for the first time in years !!

I am also unsure how it would on the IVA agreement if my better half were to voluntarily give up her job to care for her mother. That's another angle we have to seriously consider.

I shall have a read of your links first and see what sense I make of them.

Thanks

[ostell]

Re: Caring For Elderly Relatives

I believe the carers allowance is NOT means tested, nor is the attendance allowance. It's not a lot but it's a start

[enaid]

Re: Caring For Elderly Relatives

Carers allowance is taxable and you are only allowed to earn up to £100 per week while in receipt of it. You must also be looking after the person for at least 35 hours per week.

There are also certain rights for carers while in work, it may be worth looking at your wife doing less hours and getting carers allowance.(crrently £58.45 per week)
https://www.gov.uk/carers-allowance/eligibility

It may also help if her mum got direct payments to pay someone else to look after her while your wife went to work.

The Lasting Power of Attorney is something else you can do yourself, I did it for my dad so know it can be done lol.
https://www.gov.uk/power-of-attorney/overview

[Jester]

Re: Caring For Elderly Relatives

Thanks. Have been reading from the links above, and also went to the agecymru website (cos we live in Wales) as things are slightly different here. Got some stuff to think about, but won't be able to do much until we know she is diagnosed as having Alzheimers or Dementia.

The Power Of Attorney site is interesting. However, it talks about how the power of attorney is signed over. It does state how one gains Power Of Attorney if that PoA is being sought over someone who is incapable of making decisions for themselves (as is the case with the MiL as she has no idea what is going on around her most of the time)

BTW, our Miniature Dachshund doesn't like me being a Border Collie. He has asked if I can be something smaller

[enaid]

Re: Caring For Elderly Relatives

It would need to be assessed if your mum in law has Capacity, that is she can make a decision, believe me when I say that some of the things thats happened to my dad you would think not, but according to the 'experts' he has, so his decisions are his own.

http://www.adviceguide.org.uk/wales/...ental_capacity

Hopefully your mum in law can understand what you are trying to do for her and all has to be witnessed and people informed about the LPA that can object if they see fit.

[Jester]

Re: Caring For Elderly Relatives

Thanks for all the information. I have now had a chance to properly read through those websites and so we can start acting on the advice. The MIL had blood and urine tests last Thursday, so hopefully they should have the results at my GP on Monday. We really have to do something. Everybody in the house is completely stressed and exhausted through watching over her 24x7. We have to do everything in shifts as she has no idea where she is or what she is doing. In the evenings, I go to bed at 8pm and am then up by 1.30am so that my better half can go to bed and get some sleep. The reason we have to do this is because the MIL has a habit of getting up at night and wandering around the house and we are afraid she is going to hurt herself. The other evening she was trying her hardest to walk through a wall. Yesterday morning I found her at 4am trying to open the back door because she thought her bedroom was in the garden shed !!

This morning, it seemed to have been quiet. I was up at 1.30am as usual and did not hear a thing from the MIL. My better half got up at 9am and went in to check on the MIL, only to find her NOT in bed, but sleeping in a cardboard box on the floor with her dressing gown on top as a blanket. When she was woken up, she had absolutely no idea what anyone was talking about when we asked her why she was sleeping in a cardboard box. As far as she was concerned, she was in her bed. She has got a lovely bruise on her back from when she 'climbed into bed' in her cardboard box.

I think that once we have an official diagnosis from the GP, then maybe we can then approach our local social services and see what help we can get. One thing for sure is that we cannot carry on like this. It is slowly killing us all. My better half is scared that I am going to end up having another heart attack on top of the problems we currently have with the MIL !!

[Sapphire]

Re: Caring For Elderly Relatives

My auntie had vascular dementia and my poor uncle looked after her, you would not believe the things she did, one night she got up and cooked a roast dinner in the early hours, another night she let herself out and was found near naked walking down the middle of the road, thankfully they lived in a village, she also would want to play 'bonfires' in the house, she threw things at me if I visited, it was awful. In the end my uncle had to take the decision to have her taken into a care home, then she got worse and was in hospital, not long later she passed away.
Sorry hun, I think that upon hearing what your MIL is doing now it won't be long before you all have the very same decision to make.

[MissFM]

Re: Caring For Elderly Relatives

Thanks for all the information. I have now had a chance to properly read through those websites and so we can start acting on the advice. The MIL had blood and urine tests last Thursday, so hopefully they should have the results at my GP on Monday. We really have to do something. Everybody in the house is completely stressed and exhausted through watching over her 24x7. We have to do everything in shifts as she has no idea where she is or what she is doing. In the evenings, I go to bed at 8pm and am then up by 1.30am so that my better half can go to bed and get some sleep. The reason we have to do this is because the MIL has a habit of getting up at night and wandering around the house and we are afraid she is going to hurt herself. The other evening she was trying her hardest to walk through a wall. Yesterday morning I found her at 4am trying to open the back door because she thought her bedroom was in the garden shed !!

This morning, it seemed to have been quiet. I was up at 1.30am as usual and did not hear a thing from the MIL. My better half got up at 9am and went in to check on the MIL, only to find her NOT in bed, but sleeping in a cardboard box on the floor with her dressing gown on top as a blanket. When she was woken up, she had absolutely no idea what anyone was talking about when we asked her why she was sleeping in a cardboard box. As far as she was concerned, she was in her bed. She has got a lovely bruise on her back from when she 'climbed into bed' in her cardboard box.

I think that once we have an official diagnosis from the GP, then maybe we can then approach our local social services and see what help we can get. One thing for sure is that we cannot carry on like this. It is slowly killing us all. My better half is scared that I am going to end up having another heart attack on top of the problems we currently have with the MIL !!

Hello Jester

I am so very sorry to see what you are going through.

It's a road with which I am horribly familiar and it's a rocky one.

You need to get a firm diagnosis of dementia - urine and bloods will not do (except to rule out infection etc.), as said above you need a brain scan (and don't be palmed off with "age-related brain shrinkage" as being irrelevant). You also need a Consultant Geriatric Psychiatrist. This is because funding for your MiL's actual needs will be unlikely to be available without a medical diagnosis and you must gear everything (fight for this) to clinical need rather than what the "system" claims is available.

However much you love your MiL and feel a huge responsibility towards her (you clearly have both in spades), it is not necessarily the best route, from her point of view, for you to dedicate your lives to her care at home; what you have described above is a family in a state of emergency - and this can only go on for so long before one or all of you implodes.

I'm sorry to state the obvious but the situation is not retrievable and you need to look to having a happy family life - if you sacrifice yourselves and your married life to look after MiL will it really be any better for her? Sleeping in shifts, constant hypervigilance - you can't carry on like this - no-one can. You expend all your energy - sacrifice your family life - and the proportionate benefit to MiL is more than likely in the minus.

Your wife clearly has a realistic overview of the "care" system and will know that there are also some good places (and you can put your energies into improving these).

Care varies enormously from county to county but if you can find a care home with a "flagship" EMI unit - where there is little staff turnover and the ethos is geared towards "client" need rather than staff convenience etc. - it may well be much better for your MiL and certainly for the family as a whole. The time you spend with her would be quality time and you would not both be used empties.

Just my opinion, based on experience esp mistakes - I really hope it helps, that you don't mind me saying it and FWIW my heart bleeds for you.:_tighthug__by_darkm

[Inca]

Re: Caring For Elderly Relatives

Jester..please accept my sympathies for what you and your family are going through......when the parent becomes the child the whole world is out of kilter.

[Jester]

Re: Caring For Elderly Relatives

Thanks for the concern.

Next week is gonna be the clincher. My better half has to return to work (albeit on reduced hours) whilst my job is taking me away 'oop North' (where it's grim) for a couple of days. So, her care for the morning hours are, unfortunately, gonna have to be left in the hands of my kids. Of course, when I say kids, they are actually 22, 20 & 16. But still, they find it traumatic to say the least, having to care for their Mamgu (Gran to those not fortunate enough to be Welsh) in this way - especially when they have to guide her to the toilet and tell her what she needs to do once there !!

Anyone know where I can get some cheap valium .... lol (at least I still have my sense of humour !!)

[Inca]

Re: Caring For Elderly Relatives

Anyone know where I can get some cheap valium .... lol (at least I still have my sense of humour !!)

Odd you should say that!!! :rofl:
My FIL caused chaos when his brain got affected by cancer,,bless him...He smashed a crash mat alarm system to bits 'cos it wouldn't shut up'!!..They put his bed next to the sockets and he completely undid the whole thing,,God knows how but he had demolished it.He insisted there were squirrels at the bottom of his bed,,they were his feet in brown socks.

[charitynjw]

Re: Caring For Elderly Relatives

Anyone know where I can get some cheap valium .... lol (at least I still have my sense of humour !!)

Odd you should say that!!! :rofl:
My FIL caused chaos when his brain got affected by cancer,,bless him...He smashed a crash mat alarm system to bits 'cos it wouldn't shut up'!!..They put his bed next to the sockets and he completely undid the whole thing,,God knows how but he had demolished it.He insisted there were squirrels at the bottom of his bed,,they were his feet in brown socks.

Where, exactly, did they hide their nuts?

On second thoughts, don't answer that - too much info!

[Jester]

Re: Caring For Elderly Relatives

I want to know why Charity is such a sex maniac and always goes for the nuts. I think we should be told !