What can a father do?

[cameo]

Hi all, I'd like some opinions from fathers (& mothers- but I'm sure their advice will be less forgiving!) concerning my daughter and her father, and legally what he can do to see her. To cut a long story short, he was a long term partner, but we had split up when I fell pregnant and had not been living together for over a year. He has done what he thinks is an attentive job during my pregnancy, but to be honest, he's been more worry and stress than its worth. He made things very difficult for me to organise my life in prep fit the baby, and all the while he was cultivating and supplying cannabis, so was never there, but claimed he was making money for our future. He thinks he has been helpful throughout my daughters life so far, as he has travelled back and forth to see her every weekend, and has bought nappies, wipes and my fridge stocked {with his illegal money}. He missed the registration appointment because he was hungover, and I went ahead with it because we'd waited three weeks for the appointment, which he actually booked! Since then i've just had grief from him about the middle name I chose for my daughter. He turned up off his face on coke when she was a week old, and has constantly been stoned around her {I let him smoke outside, because he has always smoked and i've been a soft touch with him for seven years...I thought our daughter would really make him grow up}...so, at Christmas, he moved in properly, said he was looking for a job, and was running out of weed. I should point out here that he is currently on bail awaiting sentencing for his illegal activities, and so his personal stash had run dry. To compensate he drank heavily for two nights, being sick. The second night, he came in very abusive, wobbling around with our daughter and I called the police to take him away. They did gladly. Despite all this, I still very sorry for the poor bugger. I see no hope for him, he has no rights to our daughter but claims he loves her, etc, and will likely be going to prison. His parents are lovely people, and I ain't want them to suffer for his stupidity, but they will never be able to have my daughter alone as they are not capable of looking after her. They are sweeping his problems under the carpet and think that I'll just give in to whatever their son wants me to do. I would like my daughter to have a father, and he is good with her, but he won't stop smoking and drinking to spend time with her. How should I go about giving him access? My Mum thinks I should make a stand and let him go to court to fight for her, he doesn't have a leg to stand on, does he?

[MissFM]

Re: What can a father do?

So sorry Cameo - what a challenging situation. What do you actually think is best for your daughter? (and no, I don't believe he has "a leg to stand on" bar MAYBE strictly supervised access).

[cameo]

Re: What can a father do?

Its so tricky. I don't want to deny him a daughter, or deny her a Dad, but over the last seven years he has let me down time and time again. All I have asked is that he get a stable job and not smoke weed during the day when he's with her. Is that so unreasonable? I don't really know how the court procedure works, and if I can handle the stress of it? He will hate me forever, but I'm so fed up of being walked on, I cannot help him any more. How do I go about refusing him? Would it be possible to arrange supervised visits in a contact centre IF he phases a drugs test without going to court? ...this is so Jeremy Kyle its unreal...I just don't know what to do for the best. Is be interested to know what other people would do? I want to be brutal to get him to start acting responsibly, but I'm also aware he has a psycholgical addiction that he needs serious help for. He has refused that short of help, so I feel like I have no option. He is making me out to be the baddy, and

[cameo]

Re: What can a father do?

..he's just waiting for me to say 'you're not seeing her'.

[MissFM]

Re: What can a father do?

bump

[labman]

Re: What can a father do?

Hello Cameo,

Thank you for posting about what is a very difficult situation. I can't answer yours for you, I don't think anyone can tell you what you should or should not do. I admire you for coming here to get some opinions though.

Having said I can't answer your problem, I can tell you about my situation. I married my wife eight years ago and took on her six year old daughter who I consider my own, and she sees me as her Dad - it's great! My wife also has a son who is much older - he's now 32, so was in his very early 20's when I first met him - he was living with his girlfriend and their son. His girlfriend fell pregnant with their son aged 14, so for obvious reasons he is not named on the birth certificate as the father.

My stepson is both an alcoholic and a drug addict. During the time I've known him he has had every opportunity and all possible support to overcome his addictions. Sadly, despite all the love and support in the world, he has continuously let both himself and all his family down, especially his partner and his son who have taken the worst of both his drunkenness and being out of his head on a cocktail of drugs.

At the end of the Summer / early Autumn his partner finally called it a day after countless efforts to help him recover. Even his son feels ashamed of him. He moved in with us, but once he started bringing drugs into our house and getting violent to the point of us having an armed response unit to our house as he pulled a large kitchen knife out and threatened to kill me with it, we too had to give up on him and throw him out. It was hard, but it was the right thing to do. He had made our lives a living hell.

We don't know the ending yet. He has yet to hit absolute rock bottom. Then, and only then do I believe he might do something to try to turn his life around, if he doesn't kill himself first.

What I know for sure is that until he wants to overcome his addictions, no amount of help will succeed.

You say you don't know much about the court system. Well, our experience has been that they will not put him in prison. The Magistrates have said they would if he re-offended, but even their words proved to be empty ones. He is living on various couches and we have no contact with him anymore. Hopefully one day that may change, but not until he has done something to prove a real intent to address his issues.

As I say, I cannot say what is right for your situation; ultimately only you can decide that. However, for my nephew and his mother, turfing my stepson out of her house and cutting ties was the best thing she ever did. You need to consider the long term situation for your daughter and what sort of upbringing you want for her. You then need to ask yourself honestly what chance the father has of living up to his responsibilities as a Dad. Behaviours witnessed and experienced in the early years of a child's life play a real part in moulding their entire future.

Ours is just one experience, others may have different ones. Whatever you choose, I hope it works well for you, and most importantly that huge responsibility you now have - your daughter. Good luck.

[cameo]

Re: What can a father do?

Thank you so much for sharing labman, your situation rings a chord with mine, and I do believe that my babys father has not hit rock bottom either- my mother has always said that this needs tho happen before it gets better. Prison will not help him, he its not scared of prison. He may be scared that I will stop him from seeing his daughter, but it obviously hasn't clicked that I mean business on this one, as he's burning his bridges by sending me abusive messages still. I doubt his parents would cut him off completely....his Dad is not pleased, but his mother is constantly backing him, as she is deluded to how he really is....and this just encourages his deluded sense that he isn't in the wrong.

[Eloise01]

Re: What can a father do?

You are still trying to solve his problems and "fix" him. You obviously still care about him (although I will admit that I can't fathom why), and you are trying to find a way to change him - i.e. not addicted, not abusive, and someone who holds down a job and looks after his family in a responsible manner. The only person who has a shot at changing him is him, and there is little evidence that he wants to change. He is none of the things you need or want, and he cannot be these things for your daughter. And equally to the point, you cannot afford him to be around you as the person he is - he uses drugs; he drinks to excess; he is abusive; he will soon have, if he doesn't already have, a criminal record - how long will it be before social services is knocking on your door?

You need to do what is necessary for yourself and your daughter to safeguard your position and look after yourselves. If he eventually ever does see life from a different perpective and shows that he can be a responsible father, then that will be a bonus. But you cannot make that happen. Only he can do that.

[Inca]

Re: What can a father do?

Hiya and to LegalBeagles
Drugs are available in prison and as a junkie he knows that,so prison holds no threat,he's only 'taking a career break' from his activities cos he got caught and knows he's being watched....for now.

No,,never let your child be alone with his parents,his Mum will let him do what he wants with her,,you must be present all the time.
Go to the C.A.B,,or speak to your Health Visitor,get the legal ball rolling,go to court and only agree (if thats what you want) to him having supervised access unless and until he can prove he is drug and drink free (they will test him). You daughters health and safety MUST come first..He is making threats because he knows he doesn't have a cats chance in Hell of winning any court battle,you hold all the Aces as you are her Mum.
Do not,,under any circumstances,weaken your resolve,,(we all do it hun,,we have the 'but I loved him once' feeling)
When your daughter starts asking awkward questions tell her the truth (obviously water it down until shes old enough to understand properly,'Daddy did a naughty thing etc')
For reasons I won't say on here but trust me it's true,I have vast experience of your situation (within my family).
Stick to your guns,,your childs mental health is a priority,what happens from now on will become her memories ( as already stated).
Good Luck and Well Done for being so brave to share your story,,enjoy your little girl,,they grow up too quickly xx

[enquirer]

Re: What can a father do?

He is going to destroy your child. What more do you need to know?

[leclerc]

Re: What can a father do?

Its so tricky. I don't want to deny him a daughter, or deny her a Dad, but over the last seven years he has let me down time and time again. All I have asked is that he get a stable job and not smoke weed during the day when he's with her. Is that so unreasonable? I don't really know how the court procedure works, and if I can handle the stress of it? He will hate me forever, but I'm so fed up of being walked on, I cannot help him any more. How do I go about refusing him? Would it be possible to arrange supervised visits in a contact centre IF he phases a drugs test without going to court? ...this is so Jeremy Kyle its unreal...I just don't know what to do for the best. Is be interested to know what other people would do? I want to be brutal to get him to start acting responsibly, but I'm also aware he has a psycholgical addiction that he needs serious help for. He has refused that short of help, so I feel like I have no option. He is making me out to be the baddy, and

I would seek legal advice on the situation as some have suggested on here. The difficulty for the courts to decide is because it must always consider "what is in the interests of the child" and that can sometimes differ from what the residential parent, so to speak, may believe. I think you need legal advice and I hope you have a record of "incidents" with your former partner which may be helpful in any court case.

[cameo]

Re: What can a father do?

Enquierer! It is so awful to say it, but it is true! I have messages from him staying that he will tell her what a b**tch I am when she's older!
You are all so right, on paper, he is detestable, but he is still her father, and although he is a danger to her when drunk and using drugs, when he is at his best he is fabulous with her, and you can see how much she loves his attention when he plays with her. Its just the biggest shame in the world for her and for him that he can't turn his life around! But, his abuse towards me and his attitude to life is just unforgivable. He hasn't seen her for over a week now, and texts once or twice a day to ask how she's doing. Today he also said that he should have a job next week and wants to come up and see her, and add his name to the birth certificate! He must think, I'll just let that happen...without a word of sorry for anything! I really need to keep reminding myself of exactly what he's put us throuugh. I'm just finding u it so hard to be difficult, when deep down I know he deserves a lot less....I despair at what will become of him.

[cameo]

Re: What can a father do?

Leclerc, thanks. The police have been called to 'domestics' in the past between us, and i've kept all recent abuse via text. He its being investigated by soca, so the police are well aware of his personal profile. I'm so embarrassed it has come to this, and feel awful for my daughter already! Do you think perhaps letting him visit the house to see her as much as he wants\ can do providing he doesn't drink or smoke while he's here is a good idea, until his sentencing in April? He may go to prison then anyway...?

[enquirer]

Re: What can a father do?

... he is a danger to her when drunk and using drugs ...

You know the truth. Act before the nightmare becomes a reality.

... and add his name to the birth certificate!

He's thinking ahead, and it doesn't sound good.

I really need to keep reminding myself of exactly what he's put us through.

Yes, you do.

I despair at what will become of him.

You have limited time and limited resources. Put them where they matter.

[cameo]

Re: What can a father do?

Thank you. Does anyone know the law regarding breastfed babies and overnight stays with the father? In the event he does clean himself up and is given regular access, can I object due to her need to nurse at bedtime?