What if ...?

[Kitiara]

We are currently in the process of applying for residency of my Partners 9 year old son, and 2 weeks ago we had the first court hearing, during which the contact order was amended so that I could collect *L* if my Partner was unable due to work commitments. He has to attend a meeting on Friday, and so we informed *L*s mum that I would be picking him up last night and she has said that she will not release him to me. My query is .... if when I arrive she still refuses, what can I do about it, is it something that the police could help with? She will be in breach of the contact order (for the 3rd time and the judge warned her in court 2 weeks ago this will not be tolerated again). I dont want to cause *L* any upset, but at the same time, she can't keep disregarding court orders, could she be arrested for this?

[Celestine]

Re: What if ...?

In short, No.
Unless a Judge has attached Powers Of Arrest to a Court Order, then her breach can only be brought to the Judges attention at the next Hearing.
If she refuses to allow the pic up, document that somehow e.g. an email/text/letter to her and get the issue in front of the Judge asap.

Theoretically, she is committing contempt of court and the Judge may well send her to prison for a short time. However, this happens rarely, so don't get too excited!

[Kitiara]

Re: What if ...?

Thanks Cel!

She keeps breaking the Contact Order AND the Parental Responsibilities order, and at the last hearing the Judge actually said to her "We the Judges make these orders, you obey them, do I make myself clear?" to which she nodded and mumbled "yes", he then did a "Judge Judy" and put his glasses on the end of his nose, looked over them and said again " Do - I - make - myself - clear?" It seems that she has no intention of complying with either of the orders until someone actually takes her to task with something more than a slap on the hand, there is a 9 year old child desperate to live with his Dad, and she will not let him, purely to spite his Dad, this is not about her caring for *L* its about hating his Father!

[labman]

Re: What if ...?

It's always so sad when it is the children who are used as weapons to fight the adults' battles. I've seen it over and over unfortunately.

[Inca]

Re: What if ...?

You won't get any pleasure from having her arrested hun,,cos the little one will know all about it,she will make sure of that.
Ask her to drop him off to you,(which she will refuse to do,,of course)
Ask her what alternative arrangements she can come up with as it's his Dads access time (she won't have any)
Don't lose your rag with her,,patronise her,because even though she is being a pain in the rump,she is playing straight into your hands,,and by doing that in front of her son she is losing the war.Kids don't forget.
Of course her consideration isn't about loving her son,,it's about despising his Dad and you.
Custody is a slowly slowly catchy monkey game.always be the ones with 'clean hands' and the day will come.

Been there,,done that to such a degree that my STEP children have no contact with either of their biological parents now.(me and the Dad divorced) but still regard me as Mum and treat me as such.

Regards

Nikki

[Kitiara]

Re: What if ...?

Thank you for your kind (and wise) words Inca, much appreciated. His Mum has a problem with me because her son calls me "Mummy" although she wont admit this. She told the courts at the hearing 2 weeks ago that she has "issues" with me regarding her son's safety. This was all because a few weeks ago when *L* hurt his leg, I joked that I would cut it off to stop it hurting, *L* knew it was a joke, even saying a while later should he fetch a knife as it was still hurting, when he told his Mum, she said told him she was going to cut my f**ing head off (charming woman!). When we were in court *L* told CAFCASS that he loved me, loved spending time with me and felt safe with me, something he doesnt feel with his Mum. I have never hurt *L*, I love him to bits, and we have a really good relationship, with lots of hugs and kisses etc.

I don't want her arrested, no one would gain from that, least of all *L*, but she does need to know she can't keep breaking the court orders. She has an "I'm above the law and can do what I like" attitude, while in court she eventually agreed to me picking *L* up when the Judge pointed out that it was unrealistic to expect his Dad to always be able due to the nature of his work, she at first refused, but when pressed by the Judge as to why she had a problem with me picking him up, she said "because of the annimosity" (there has never been any annimosity from me!), the Judge then said "if you don't want any annimosity, dont cause any!) She has 3 other children, aged 24, 21 & 20 with *L* being the youngest at 9 (all with different Fathers none of which have any contact with them), *L* is the 3rd of her 4 children who wants to leave, the 2 oldest have no contact with her at all - which says something about her parenting skills!

Its just so frustrating knowing that *L* wants to live with his Dad and me, we want him to live with us, even SHE knows he wants to live with us, but she wont give him up out of spite, if she was fighting this out of love, I could understand it, but nothing she does is in *L*'s best interests and the poor little mite is distraught that he can only spend 48 hours every other weekend with us, sobbing uncontrollably when we drop him off.

Sorry .... ramble over!

Kit

[Inca]

Re: What if ...?

You ramble away hun,,I been where you are and by christ it's frustrating..my OH has a 13yr old girl,,same type of mother,,sodding useless..She wants to live with us but my health precludes that but she is always here.She tried playing us all off against each other at one point,,so I stopped seeing her,I don't play games I'm too old lol My own sons Dad was as useless as meat pie to a vegan,now my son never bothers with him,,can't stand his wife either,,although,back in the day,when I could move I dragged her out the bath by the hair cos she slapped my sons leg !!! Now they are the losers cos my kid is 24 and a darling (at times). Your little one will live with you,the courts won't put up with too much more of her thinking she is above the law..My OH went to court for access cos the old boot stopped us seeing her,,mum didn't turn up for hearings,Cafcass,nothing and the Judge ruled totally in our favour.Shes the same 3 kids by 3 dads..older 2 in and out of prison now.Bloody scary that some people are allowed to reproduce isn't it.?

Any time you want to vent hun,,feel free,,,we all got broad shoulders

xxxxxxxxxx

[Sapphire]

Re: What if ...?

Hiya and welcome, as Inca says you carry on venting as much as you want to we're all here for you. Oh and by the way, all these people that say that having kids is the hardest job in the world are talking rubbish, they should try being a Step Parent its harder than anything, most of the time you get abused and you do it for the love of your partner, then one day the child or children in question talk to like a human being, confide in you and even better start to include you in things, that's when everything that's gone on in the past becomes 'worth it'.
I promise you it gets better, you just need to get the mum sorted.

[Inca]

Re: What if ...?

Oooooh I so could sort out the mother,,,I'm proper evil,,,and I have WAYYYYYY too much time on my hands lol,,but I'm too young and far too fine to do 'porridge'

[Kitiara]

Re: What if ...?

Ohh Sapphire .. you are so right about being a Step parent being harder than a biological parent, I don't think I cried half as much over my own 2 kids (23 & 20) as I have over *L* and his Mothers antics. He is such a loving child, he will sit on my lap for hours while we watch tv, and is forever coming and giving me cuddles and telling me he loves me. He craves attention all the time as he doesn't get it at home, his Mum & her new husband sit on their computers all day (15 hours is about the norm) and poor old *L* has to either play on his own laptop or xbox, or sit quietly entertaining himself. The house is a complete pigsty with 3 dogs that very rarely go out so you can imagine what the house smells like! During the summer holidays we had him for the last 2 weeks, the previous 4 weeks he never left the house except for a couple of trips to Tesco, they never even took him to the local park (which less than a 5 minute walk from their house) but managed to take themselves for a weeks holiday to Cornwall when he came over to us.

This Residency order is costing us a fortune (been told to expect it to cost around £10k - gulp) but *L* is so worth it, it just annoys me that his Mum is on legal aid and so not paying a penny towards any of this, and seems inclined to drag it out as long as possible, in court 2 weeks ago we should have been finished at around 12.30, because she decided to argue over me being allowed to pick *L* up when his Dad is detained at work we didn't finish until 3.30 (our Barrister charges £230 per hour!). When the Judge asked her why she objected, she said she had "issues" with me being alone with her son, this is the same son who's interview with CAFCASS had just been read to the court stating how much he loved me and how he felt safe with me but not with his Mum! The judge basically told her she was being unrealistic and that I was in her son's life, he obviously had deep feelings for me and to "accept it and get over it" <<< the Judge's actual words! Its this order that my original post refered to .. she had said she was not going to hand him over to me, however our Solicitor contacted hers to "remind her" about disobeying the Judge again and lo and behold, suddenly I can pick him up - but she wont hand him over, her hubby is going to meet me at the door (not really sure why anyone has to "hand him over", he is quite capable of opening a front door and his Mum doesn't come to the door when his Dad picks him up!)

Sorry ... rambling yet again just so bl**dy frustrated!

[Inca]

Re: What if ...?

So,,BigBadHubbyWubby is doing the 'handover' (ridiculous term to use)

Knock the door,,make no eye contact with him,ask L if he has everything,,and off you pop (thats what would happen in a real scenario )

Sooooo,,knock the door,prepare for a frosty reception,probably a bit of barracking to get you to rise to the bait,ask L if he has everything,,answer the stooopid questions the foolish man asks,,politely but firmly,,and walk away the bigger person.....cos you are..but if the fool makes stupid statements like 'We want him back early,,ask Why? and when he says 'cos we do' tell him you will pass the message on to his FATHER and he will decide what's what.

He has no reason to talk to you,after all,,he is in the same position as you,,STEP parent,,and if you can't make requests or decisions,then neither can he,,can't have it both ways can they??

I take it they are on benefits?? and therein lies the real reason they won't let L live with you (if they are),kids are cash..simple as that

Keep ur pecker up hun

Nikki xxxxxxxxxx

[Kitiara]

Re: What if ...?

Thanks yet again for the wise words Inca, its nice to have someone who understands, it's dificult for me at the moment to vent all my frustrations as my Partner is really stressing over his son and I don't want to make him feel any worse. I don't really have anyone I can talk to properly about how frustrated I am, as everyone in the family is too involved and too close and friends don't really understand, I'm sure they think we are exagerating when we tell them some of the things she has done or said (they really would make your hair - or more likely your toes curl!!)

Kit xxx

[Inca]

Re: What if ...?

YOU HAVE US HUN,, always.....this mob on LB keep me sane in this topsy turvy world,,mine is in full spin at the moment but as long as my little family is fed,watered,warm and safe nothing is insurmountable xxxxxxxxx

Nik xxxxxx

[Kitiara]

Re: What if ...?

Thanks Inca

Way I'm heading I could soon be asking Admin for access to the secure sites .. or a secure room (padded of course!) as I am sure I will be "venting" some more before the final hearing set for 12th April next year lol

Kit xxx

[Inca]

Re: What if ...?

12th April huh?? My moneys on Mother peeing Judge off way before then
My stepkids mum went to court for access,,which we were in no way denying,,she put her application in,,got it granted because,,,,SHE ASKED FOR 2 WEEKS A YEAR!!No weekends,no weekdays,,no Xmas,nothing..2 weeks a year!!

I had to BEG her to see her kids more,to ring them etc,,and she now wonders why they don't bother with her .