advice re visitation.

[Hurricane Puffrose]

My sister is divorced, there is a history of domestic abuse, both physical and mental.
She has twin girls aged 11, and her ex is more interested in Titch than he is Tosh.
He calls Titch his litle darling, and carries her about on his shoulders etc, Tosh is told she is an idiot, and can do no right, she's told shes a waste of space and all she will do as an adult is push a pram etc.

He is constantly making sexual references to my sister and is pestering her to get back together, its not going to happen so don't worry, but if she goes against his wishes, she has threats of legal action against her, him going for total custody etc.

He is a drunk and abusive so, personally I doubt that he will be awarded this, but my sister is agrophobic due to him, so the idea of going to a court makes her physically sick.

She has on previous occasions had the police out due to him, he locked both girls in the house whilst drunk and shouted they could brig him out in a box before the girls went home.
She has made an agreement that he will have the girls Tuesday evenings and they will sleepover on Sat nights. She doesnt like them going to his home, but the contact centre she asked for help wont accomidate him due to his behaviour, drinking and his violent nature.. so shes stuck. She asked her solicitor about this and was screamed at for mentioning his record, saying she was being unreasonable yet admiting if she hadnt mentioned it, she could have been in a hell of a lot of trouble for endangering other children.

Today the girls came home crying that their dad had told them, mums is going to be sick forever (cos shes got a cold) along with the usual foul mouthed abuse against her. What we need to ask is, how does my sister go about getting an injuction against him, as hes more or less said we get back together and it will all stop.
She has spoken to his solicitor and he STILL doesnt get the idea!

Her solicitor treats her like a waste of time. How old is a child allowed to make the desicion of wether they see their father, Titch wants to see him, Tosh asked me why he cant just fall off the earth!

the only court influence is that he has contact with his kids but due to his unsociable hours it is left to them as parents to comprimise.

[FTW Mamuskills]

Re: advice re visitation.

1: A change of solicitor is required. He is clearly an idiot. Despite streotypical views that fly around about solicitors, a good one is informative and compassionate.

2: A childs age is irrelevant, it is their understanding and genuine feelings that carry the most weight. As im sure you are aware, many kids will say one thing because its the answer they feel someone wants to hear so if your sisters children speak to someone from Cafcass or an equivalent she needs to fill them with the reassurance that they can be 100% open and honest safe in the knowledge that these organisations arent going to force them to do anything.

3: A persons past is still factual information and highly relevant, if someone poses a risk to the children and or your sister then it does need to be highlighted, the solicitor should know that should legal action proceed, certain safeguarding checks will need to be performed and then justified by the offending party.

4: If court does occur, she will need to arrive early and ask for a confidentiality room as all family courts now offer these (but on a first come first serve basis).

5: An injunction could be taken out by her against her ex so he cannot come near her, this way he cannot get near the children while they are with your sister. If there are worries over contact at school ect, speaking to them can often help

[Hurricane Puffrose]

Re: advice re visitation.

thanks hun

she spoke with CAFCASS, the woman sat with the twins, and a phsycoligical report of the girls, and said Oh but think of the FUN daddy can give you and how unhappy he will be not to see you both again, you dont want daddy sad do you??!!

This was after seeing him lay in to his female solicitor in court.

On certain things he is a half decent father, he ups the girls pocket money if they come to me on holiday, he asked for my details so he knew where his kids were which is fair so im not doing the I dont like the bloke so hes an idiot part, he rang my sister when I was bringing them home to tell me the A1 was shut at the M18, and to take the M1 for a bit (he messed up where I live, so he CAN be considerate, but he does things like drink 8 pints while on a day out and then gets stroppy and the girls are terrified of him.

Tosh cant stand him, she rang me and said Aunty will you listen to my school report cos dad wont belive its me thats done it.

I just want my sister to enjoy her kids without the fear of them coming home hysterical that hes said something about her because she wont go back to him.. maybe i read too much take a break!

[FTW Mamuskills]

Re: advice re visitation.

As silly as it sounds, this guy has got contact centre written all over him. I should know too lol. Even the staff have said to me that i shouldnt be in that situation but for him it is a great observational point where all complications are put to one side and he can interact with the children. That said, Tosh is clearly set in opinion and that should be respected.

As for these Cafcass workers (dare i say a bunch of buffoons) they do need to approach children in an age appropriate mannor and not treat everyone like they are 3 years old.

My partners kids biological father does not see the kids and has not for over 2 years (his loss, and i consider them my own). He liked to throw down the booze and leave the kids home alone ect. Rather than stopping him seeing them, i had a friendly (genuinely friendly) word with him and explained to him that he must respect the fact they are children and cannot be left alone and the drinking would have to stop as it was effecting how he was with the children and they were reluctant to see him. Ironically we have not seen him since. It was later we discovered the physical assaults the kids had experienced.

[Hurricane Puffrose]

Re: advice re visitation.

Hubby is like you hun, he LOVES children.
When he first met the girls he went down on his knees, arms out, and said BIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIG HUGS!
They ran. totally terrified. It turned out, I had cooked somethig and they didnt like it, they were terrified that he was going to slam the plates in to their faces as their father does.
Now they call him Uncle Dafty, which he loves.. Tosh has said to me, Aunty when I become an astronaut, will you come ad see me blast off.. im going to say yes, but we need a lot of tickets now.. theres other people that need invites!

[Sapphire]

Re: advice re visitation.

We have a friend going through similar situation, the guy loves to stop off on his way home from work and have ONE pint in the pub, yep just the one, because of this the judge classed him as alcohol dependent and refused him access to his kids. I personally think your sister should change her solicitor asap and stop contacting his solicitor, she needs to tell the new one everything, every little detail and of course stress about his drinking, his abusive behaviour and of course make sure she says how worried she is for the childrens safety and their mental welfare. I think that it maybe wise that you or someone else who's stronger than her goes with her to the solicitor and make sure that she says everything, in fact I'd go as far as writing everything down beforehand so that nothings forgotten.
I know that the next suggestion may not be popular but has she reported him to people like social services, family courts and even the police, she really needs to make sure all these people know that she is in fear of him and what he can do, all of this needs documenting down and if sadly something does happen then at least they are all aware and should act accordingly. I know that when I was in fear of my ex I reported it to the police, I was given a domestic abuse officer who supported me and I was also given a panic button. Somehow I think that maybe your sister has not been exploring all the options and you need to guide her.

[FTW Mamuskills]

Re: advice re visitation.

Hubby is like you hun, he LOVES children.
When he first met the girls he went down on his knees, arms out, and said BIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIG HUGS!
They ran. totally terrified. It turned out, I had cooked somethig and they didnt like it, they were terrified that he was going to slam the plates in to their faces as their father does.
Now they call him Uncle Dafty, which he loves.. Tosh has said to me, Aunty when I become an astronaut, will you come ad see me blast off.. im going to say yes, but we need a lot of tickets now.. theres other people that need invites!

Ill take some of those tickets . Valid point from sapphire i must say.

[Nikolai]

Re: advice re visitation.

Yeah, time for a new solicitor, one who is going to fight her corner rather than accuse her of being unreasonable. The interests of the child are supposed to be paramount, how is forcing a child to have contact against her wishes in the best interests of the child? Some CAFCASS officers can appear blind to reality.

[bluebottle]

Re: advice re visitation.

I have to agree with the advice to seek out a new solicitor. The one your sister has at the moment, Puff, should be reported to the Solicitors Regulation Authority (SRA). CAFCASS are a waste of space and, in some cases, a menace. Taking account of all of the circumstances you have revealed in your posts on this thread, in my considered judgement, your sister needs to apply to her local County Court for a Prohibitory Injunction under Section 3, Protection from Harassment Act 1997. It might be a good idea for your sister to speak to the police who have had to be called out to deal with your brother-in-law's behaviour. You would be surprised how supportive the police can be in such cases, especially if it means a troublesome individual is being legally-restrained by the courts and they are given the means to deal with it. Although the law's approach to domestic violence has come forward, in my considered judgement, it still falls well short of offering adequate and proper protection those those in an abusive relationship.

The first step for your sister, in my judgement, would be to speak to the police and advise them she is going to speak to a solicitor with a view to obtaining an injunction under the Protection from Harassment Act 1997 and see if they are willing to provide evidence of their involvement to the court. If it's going to help them deal with his behaviour, I cannot see them refusing point-blank to help. Many police forces, these days, have a Domestic Violence Team, which Sapphire refers to in her post (Domestic Abuse Officer), and they can be of considerable help in protecting vulnerable spouses and children in situations like this. These teams work very closely with Social Services and Child Protection Teams and your sister should not be afraid to ask for help. As for the agoraphobia, this can be dealt with by means of Cognitive Behavioural Therapy (CBT) and a referral to the Clinical Psychology Department of your sister's local Hospital or Community NHS Trust by her GP would help.