Father wanting access to daughter

[1982evo]

Hi There,

I'm new to this site and I'm desperate to be able to see my daughter who is 3 years old.

I have been properly separated from my ex girl friend for nearly 2 years. I wont go into the whole life story of the last 3 years, as I could be here typing for a while.

Ok, I'm 29, I work full time, i provide/support my daughter and I can only really see my little girl at weekends. I have a very close releshionship with her (Daughter). Now my ex girlfriend has said that I'm not aload to see her out of the blue. Now she will say that i use drugs. I have in the past, but don't now and certainly since I became a father, wouldn't dream of doing them again. I moved on in life when she was born really. I can prove this through any form of testing too.

She is being very un reasonable (I believe this has all come about because she found out I was seeing another women) and saying I have to go through a contract centre. I don't want my daughter to have to go there and I will go to any lengths to see her.

My ex has a fair bit of experience in all this because she has a 9 year old boy and she did the exact same thing to the father of him because I witnessed it all.

I know there is always two sides to a story. But I don't think this is fair on my little girl, more than anything.

What do I need to do? This is breaking my heart!!

Thanks

[TUTTSI]

Re: Father wanting access to daughter

Have you applied to the courts for access?

Also have you tried mediation?

I found this on Google http://www.separateddads.co.uk/
A Site Written By Separated Dads For Separated Dads...









This site has been written by a number of separated dads who have one thing in common - we all went through a traumatic time after we split with our partners. We have another thing in common - we emerged from the long and arduous process of separation stronger than ever and are enjoying life again.
Due to the legal nature of separation, we have also had the legal content written by a family law solicitor and a family law barrister to ensure accuracy. We hope we can help you overcome the challenges of separation, and below we have created an overview covering many of the stages you will encounter, with many useful links.


1. What To Do First

After the break up, you'll find will yourself experiencing a range of different emotions, practical problems and legal issues that may be difficult to deal with – especially if children are involved. Some of the things that may be on your mind are: your financial future; how to fund two homes; the possibility of losing contact with your children; worrying about the children will handle it; finding somewhere to live; still having feelings for your ex; staying involved in the family activities you’ve always enjoyed together; forming new relationships in the future; the impact it may have on your work...

It might seem early days but you need to focus on the practicalities as well as working through your emotions to try to avoid hostility from your ex and the possibility of losing contact with your kids.


2. How To Tell The Kids

Telling the children is the first and possibly the most difficult step to take. Your break up and the possibility of facing a whole new way of life is frightening enough for you but will seem terrifying to the kids. Children are smart and will know that something is wrong. They have lost the security of having both their parents around and face the prospect of having to spend time in a different home with just one parent.


3. Deciding Who Gets What

If you manage to negotiate a successful split of your time with the children, property and assets successfully – you’ve done extremely well! Getting this part done easily is very rare. If you agreed arrangements amicably at the beginning, then keep a note of everything and if necessary get the document witnessed and show it to a solicitor (your first appointment is often free or relatively inexpensive). For the majority of couples, this part of the break up process is the hardest to resolve. If you’re finding it difficult to keep your emotions out of the negotiation process the next step is to try mediation. This is what a solicitor will recommend to you before you consider taking any court action.


4. Attempting Mediation

Mediation is a meeting with a neutral third party to try and resolve problems before the matter reaches court. The court will often accept the terms agreed at mediation if it's worked. Try and approach mediation with an open mind and avoid using it as a forum for direct confrontation and accusation. Give mediation a try, as there is nothing to lose if it doesn't work, but much to be gained if it does.


5. Or Negotiation

From the start of trying to settle arrangements and for that matter after the court decision, negotiation will be an ongoing process. There will probably be times when arrangements for the children have to be changed due to unforeseen events, or circumstances dictate that some extras will need to be paid for. Therefore, maintaining a good relationship with your ex (and your children), will make these times far easier. Always try to remember that the children's interests have to remain at the centre of any decisions. Try and put any resentments you may have aside.


6. The Family Court and CAFCASS

If initial negotiations fail, you will probably have to get matters resolved in the courts. The legal system and the court process are fairly alien to most of us. It’s easy however, to get clued up on your rights and legal responsibilities as a father and how the family court process works. Fathers are not always given a fair hearing in the family court (and 'Separated Dads' has written to the government about this), so it’s vital to get to know the system and and ensure you are well prepared.

Your solicitor will help you prepare your case for court, but you might also find other bodies like CAFCASS are involved in submitting their own reports. The CAFCASS family report often has a lot of influence in the family courts. CAFCASS workers will interview both of the parents and also the children. They may also interview others involved with the children including social workers, health workers, teachers or even relatives. The CAFCASS report will indicate whether contact should be allowed and/or how much.


7. Legal Help

Lawyers are not cheap, so you need to be sure you’re getting the best value for money. Choose a lawyer that specialises in family law, and has extensive court experience. Get recommendations from friends who’ve been through a similar experience and list some questions to ask at your first meeting, to get a good idea of what it is likely to cost and what your lawyer will do for you.

How do you know your solicitor is doing the right things and what can you do if they are not performing as well as you think they should? A good solicitor will answer your requests quickly and keep you regularly updated on your case. If you’re not happy you are perfectly entitled to ‘sack’ them and change to another solicitor.


8. What if You Can't Afford Legal Representation?

If you cannot afford a solicitor you may be entitled to legal aid but you must be claiming benefits to get it. The government is in the process of changing the rules on legal aid, so keep an eye on these pages for updates. Another option if you cannot afford to pay for full legal help is to choose legal representation for certain parts of your case.


9. How About Representing Yourself?

You can also perform the whole process yourself - preparing a case and representing yourself in court. The family courts are interested in doing what’s best for the children, so are keen to hear what each party has to say. If you do decide to represent yourself, there are various forms that you’ll need to complete and submit to the courts (these are all downloadable from HM courts website). Briefly, you'll need Children Act Form C1, for a residence order, contact order, specific issue order, a parental responsibility order or a prohibited steps order. If you succeed at court and the order is not complied with or you want to amend it then you can submit form C79. If your ex moves away and you want to discover your child’s whereabouts, you will need Children Act Form C4.

If you do decide to represent yourself you can take what’s called a McKenzie friend (a non-legally qualified person who can sit with you during a court a hearing) to the hearing. They can assist you with taking notes, organising documents and making suggestions but can't address the court directly.


10. What if the Court Order is Not Upheld?

This is a common problem with many separated dads and one that prompts most comments on our facebook page. What can you do when a court order is in place but your ex partner persistently flouts it? There are some tactics you can employ here, but many of the legal options are expensive. The main thing is to try and remain calm and focus on the final outcome - your time with your children. If relations with your ex become hostile, you may find they turn to false accusations to help them achieve what they want. You’ll need to keep records of every time you are denied access at your prescribed time and take someone with you as a witness, especially if you are being accused of violence, harassment or abuse. Take all the information back to the courts and inform them that the court order has been breached.


11. What About Emotions and the Psychological Impact?

The shock of the initial break up with your partner, together with the stress of fighting to spend time with your children, or disputes over money, can really take its toll. You will experience a whole range of emotions from denial, to anger, to guilt and grief. You do need to be able to acknowledge your emotions and look after yourself, so that you are strong enough to get through it and move on to the final stages of acceptance and re-invention. You will eventually be able to examine things deteriorated - and you can use this to move on and concentrate on building your relationship with your children.


And Finally...

You will eventually get to a more stable point in your life, where you manage to spend some time with your children. This is where the practicalities kick in... making sure you're made aware of what's happening with their schooling; planning things to do with them at when you have them; how to handle Christmas; accepting your ex has a new partner and introducing the kids to yours.

Whatever the question, we hope you'll find yourself coming back to separated dads for the answers.

[The Debt Star]

Re: Father wanting access to daughter

A thoughtful and helpful post Tutts.

[leclerc]

Re: Father wanting access to daughter

Or this one: Families Need Fathers

Helpline between 6pm and 10pm

[1982evo]

Re: Father wanting access to daughter

Thanks for this guys - I guess I need to go and have a chat with a solicitor really!

Thanks again!

[Celestine]

Re: Father wanting access to daughter

Yes, you should. Given that you have a good history (precedent) of reasonable access to your daughter, a court will take a dim view of this being change on a whim. Very damaging and confusing to your young daughter.
Do not fear the drugs allegations, that's a classic example of bad mouthing.
Mediation will be offered as a first option; which you should take up.
If that fails, then the courts and the welfare officers will decide and you will have a very strong case for improved access on what you previously had.
Good luck x

[1982evo]

Re: Father wanting access to daughter

Yes, you should. Given that you have a good history (precedent) of reasonable access to your daughter, a court will take a dim view of this being change on a whim. Very damaging and confusing to your young daughter.
Do not fear the drugs allegations, that's a classic example of bad mouthing.
Mediation will be offered as a first option; which you should take up.
If that fails, then the courts and the welfare officers will decide and you will have a very strong case for improved access on what you previously had.
Good luck x

Thank you very much - That is just what I needed to hear!!

x

[TUTTSI]

Re: Father wanting access to daughter

I would also start making your notes, dates times that you have had access to your little girl, dates and times that she has stopped you and not allowed you to have your visitation as all this will be required to show how unreasonable she is being when you visit the solicitor and make application to court. It is important to establish that she is being very difficult.

You have every right to see your child.

By the way has your ex girlfriend ever taken drugs?

[Celestine]

Re: Father wanting access to daughter

Just a tip, forget everything about drugs and anything else negative by the way.

Residency battles are NOT won by proving an ex is a bad person/parent, they are won by proving that you are a good parent who will support the other in their parenting.

A court will not award residency to a parent who will alienate the other parent. So all statements have to be positive and supportive NOT critical at all.

I know this may seem weird and counter intuitive but trust me, I have fought and won a paternal residency battle and I learned some amazing stuff from the experience.

[1982evo]

Re: Father wanting access to daughter

I would also start making your notes, dates times that you have had access to your little girl, dates and times that she has stopped you and not allowed you to have your visitation as all this will be required to show how unreasonable she is being when you visit the solicitor and make application to court. It is important to establish that she is being very difficult.

You have every right to see your child.

By the way has your ex girlfriend ever taken drugs?

Yes my ex girlfirend has taken drugs before and she drinks, and I don't drink.

Looking at Celestine advise - Not sure whether this is something I should even be worring about - I want to see her so bad it hurts and thats all I want, plus I pay my ex a resonable amount each month (CASH) towards maintenance. Just before she stopped me from seeing her. I lent her a large amount of money so she could secure a privatly rented house.

She was a completly differnent person when asking for that money. I'm not sure if all this is relevant. Just trying to give you some idea of what she is like.

All I wanna do is see my little girl, push her in the right driection in life and sport. As I made a big mistake when I was younger of not paying attention at PRIVATE school.

I'm not interested in a battle or an arguement. Winning means nothing to me. I just want to see her, have an impact on her up bringing and provide for her. Oh and spoil her of course. Lol. Can't be simpler!!

Thank you both

[Celestine]

Re: Father wanting access to daughter

Be incredibly careful of paying maintenance by cash, I've seen dozens of cases of chaps being hounded by the CSA for maintenance they've already paid but can't prove.

Ironically, they often do this to help the mum in claiming benefits!!

Keep paying the maintenance even during this dispute, but do it by cheque, photocopy each cheque and keep a record that tallies with your bank statements.

Sounds like you've got the right approach in terms of your true intentions towards your daughter AND your ex. Clearly your ex does NOT like you having a new lady.....sad.

xxx

[Bill-K]

Re: Father wanting access to daughter

Oddly, it was the appearance of a spammer that brought this thread to my attention. I have 2 daughters, and a marriage held together by sellotape. OUR daughters are what keeps us together. I know I would die if that sellotape broke, and I lost my daughters as well as my wife.

From what I have read, Evo - it looks like this lady knows the rules, and how to play by them - she's been there and got the T-shirt. There is an emotional side to all this, of course, but it looks like you may find yourself having to fight this in the cold hard light of the courtroom strip-lights.

On the one hand - do NOT lose your grip on the emotional side of this. BUT, on the other hand - play the game by the rules dictated by 'The System.'

I have known Cel, Tuttsi and LeClerc for some years, now, and I have every confidence in their advice. I particularly notice Cel's observation that this turn of events may have been sparked by your recent attachment to another lady. Take that as a compliment, sir, in that your 'ex' still has a problem in seeing you as a 'free' man.

If we're playing hardball, now, then you might want to consider the psychological aspects of that, methinks....