Advice Please

[jax007]

Re: Advice on shared parenting

will update this thread in due course (if thats ok)

Of course - be interested to hear what transpires

Just for information - my son-in-law and his ex ALWAYS want to see the child (Carmen) on Christmas Day so one year he has her Christmas Eve until 12 o'clock midday Christmas Day and then he takes her to her mum's and they alternate that each year. There is now a new baby cousin on my son-in-law's side and my daughter has had a little girl so this yearwhen Carmen had to leave all her presents and her little cousin and sister she was distraught - all because it's about what mum and dad want and not what's best for the child, ie she stays all day Christmas Day with one or other parent. But neither of them will budge!!! It also affects my daughter coming to stay with me for Christmas because of this daft half-day thing!! It's worth thinking about however hard it is for the parent.

Let us know how you get on - and best of luck.

[Celestine]

Re: Advice on shared parenting

Liam, welcome to Legal Beagles

Sorry to hear you're experiencing these problems with your ex partner and your unborn baby.
Firstly, it's good to see a dad in this sort of situation being proactive and positive about wanting to support your child. This trait will serve you well in the battles ahead.

If upon proving paternity, you petition for residency of or access to your child, you would be very likely to be granted limited access. e.g. Once a week, probably supervised by mum up to baby is 1yr old. You would be unlikely to get overnight access before that as it would probably confuse the child and would be difficult if she/he is breast fed. As the child grows, you would probably get better access if all goes well.
To achieve any access, you will need to go to court. You will not get financial help and a full scale residency battle can cost thousands....so you would have to self represent. Not as daunting as it sounds but definitely worth preparing for.

HOWEVER, a court will not grant residency to a parent who is hostile towards the other parent. This is not deemed in the best interests of the child.
This often means the balance of favour is against the petitioner; who is perceived as seeking change and causing disruption to the mother and child.

You say your ex is out of contact. You need to contact her, but only to send a message of support and help if she needs you for anything. Tell her she will be a great mum, tell her to eat well and take care of herself. She clearly has some issues, that with support maybe she can become more settled. To do this unborn child the biggest favour you can, try everything to support her mum.

Forget anger, forget the cheating, forget her moods, there is a little innocent baby on the way, who will benefit hugely if her parents can communicate and be friends. The relationship is over.......so none of the negative stuff really matters now.
If you can achieve the above, you'll give your child a better chance AND if this ends up in court will show you to be a good father.

On a practical note, keep that diary and keep copies of EVERYTHING.

Best of luck

[Liam88]

Re: Advice on shared parenting

thanks for the kind words.

little bit scary hearing that i might only end up with limited access that will be supervised :/

i think i might have to try and sort this between us then, even though thats going to be a hard task, funny you should mention about eating well etc, i was the only one out of the two of us that bothered to read the the pregnancy packs and when i tried to `educate` her about eating the right foods and quitting smoking i got my head bit off. dont get me wrong, shes not a bad person shes just going about things the wrong way and making her life more difficult just as much as she is for me, iv spent months trying to get her out of this rutt but she just wont change, far too stubborn.

very irritating and upsetting that basically all she needs to do is ignore me and refuse to let me in and the most i could get is one day a week? wheres the justice? im only young and asif this is daunting enough for us, oh well will have to take it as it comes.

i think in my experience of knowing her this will either go one of two ways,

she gives birth and the fact that shes got a baby there in front of her will give her a wake up call and she decides to play fair

or

she sticks to her guns, carrys on being stubborn to the point where she doesnt care less about me or the fact i need to see/know/care for/raise my child as much as my child needs me, afterall this pregnancy has given her a child thats shes wanted for a while and as a bonus her family seem to be giving her the love and support they didnt before.

i really do feel used and helpless now i cant help thinking that she wont inform me of when shes going into labour, i keep wondering what surname she will put on the birth certificate, or even if i will have any say in the babys name now.

:/

[Celestine]

Re: Advice on shared parenting

thanks for the kind words.

little bit scary hearing that i might only end up with limited access that will be supervised :/
I want you to go forward in this with realistic expectations, if you're a fantastic dad and she uses you for free childcare whilst she goes out partying or working ......you could end up with a lot more. This is a LONG process, like the life ahead of your child, don't expect quick results, be patient, play the long game!

i think i might have to try and sort this between us then, even though thats going to be a hard task, funny you should mention about eating well etc, i was the only one out of the two of us that bothered to read the the pregnancy packs and when i tried to `educate` her about eating the right foods and quitting smoking i got my head bit off. Excellent, good to hear. Keep supporting her in this waydont get me wrong, shes not a bad person shes just going about things the wrong way and making her life more difficult just as much as she is for me, iv spent months trying to get her out of this rutt but she just wont change, far too stubborn. Now the relationship is over, the friendship HAS to begin, you two have so many shared future experiences, try everything to start that sincere friendship, don't give up, just be supportive, reserved, non judgemental (hard), practically helpful and thoughtful. Sounds like you already have the head start on being sensible, she'll get there eventually.

very irritating and upsetting that basically all she needs to do is ignore me and refuse to let me in and the most i could get is one day a week? wheres the justice? im only young and asif this is daunting enough for us, oh well will have to take it as it comes.

If you can deal with this responsibly and patiently, it will be the making of your future as a dad

i think in my experience of knowing her this will either go one of two ways,

she gives birth and the fact that shes got a baby there in front of her will give her a wake up call and she decides to play fair

or

she sticks to her guns, carrys on being stubborn to the point where she doesnt care less about me or the fact i need to see/know/care for/raise my child as much as my child needs me, afterall this pregnancy has given her a child thats shes wanted for a while and as a bonus her family seem to be giving her the love and support they didnt before.

Hopefully the experience of having a baby will transform her, my 18 week old is asleep upstairs and he has been totally life changing!

i really do feel used and helpless now i cant help thinking that she wont inform me of when shes going into labour, i keep wondering what surname she will put on the birth certificate, or even if i will have any say in the babys name now.

Try and establish some form of communication. A supportive letter, a card, a pregnancy gift? Maintain this in a 'non stalky' manner! No threats, nothing legal, just support.....all will lay an excellent legal foundation if you are denied access in the future.
btw, what is your home, job, situation?

:/

Keep us informed of how you get on.

[jax007]

Re: Advice on shared parenting

Liam I wholeheartedly endorse everything Celestine has said .... this is a marathon .. not a sprint, so be prepared for the long haul.

As Celestine says, she may be grateful to you for taking care now again whilst she goes out to enjoy herself (how old is she btw?)

Take each day as it comes and try not to look ahead too far - one day a week, if you're lucky, is better than nothing to begin with. Prove you're a good dad and you could get this extended over time.

Patience is a virtue ... little lady isn't here yet.

Just get yourself fully prepared for the inevitable and give love, support and kindness where you can - it will stand you in good stead for the tough times ahead.

Chin up .....

[Liam88]

Re: Advice on shared parenting

wow, celestine spot on.

Now the relationship is over, the friendship HAS to begin

i think il change my approach to this, your absolutely spot on, rather than point scoring and thinking the worst i think il take a deep breathe and go about it this way, im going to try hard to explain to her that indeed the relationship is over but but we have to build a friendship from it and another good point by suggesting a letter, il draft something up tomorrow. i think that would (as silly as it sounds) mean a lot to her and hopefully show her something.

im due to move out on my own in the coming month/months and job situation is that im unemployed at the moment, im an electrician by trade but theres nothing out there, i do a bit of work for my dad at the moment which keeps me afloat.

@jax thanks for the kind words and yes il definitely be preparing. zoe is 20 btw.

[Celestine]

Re: Advice on shared parenting

Excellent attitude shift Liam. Made my day to see how you've reassessed the real situation

You're going to do really well and are showing great evidence of being a lovely dad....which is fantastic because you are doing all of this for your gorgeous future son or daughter.
Zoe is very young, sounds like she's had a tricky past.....the baby will change everything, hopefully for the better. Be there for her, no matter what, boost her confidence, keep your boundaries and above all else.....be patient and persevering.

xxx

[Liam88]

Re: Advice on shared parenting

had a letter from a solicitor this morning acting on her behalf.

basically says that i have been making unreasonable demands towards zoe and later goes on to say that if i continuer to bully and threaten her she will seek an injuction. ofcourse all untrue.
regarding contact she is proposing 2 days a week, wednesday and saturday for 2 hours each. they also say i will not be told anything bar when she goes into labour and that im not welcome there.

at my lowest now, feel sick.. as for the bullying and threatening, as i said previously i expected this kind of dirty trick.

cant get in touch with CAB, obviously i need to get a solicitor but what do i stand to gain by that? surely 4 hours per week is not all im entitled to?

[Amethyst]

Re: Advice on shared parenting

You need a specialist family solicitor - you might be entitled to legal aid so you could try contacting community legal advice in the first instance The Directory - Find a legal adviser

I'd keep up with Celestines previous advice, of course this solicitors letter was decided and written before you decided to try a different tack xx Try and keep that up, this may just be a knee jerk reaction to what went before - sadly you have no rights as things stand so you just have to try be the bigger person and allow her to come round in her own time once babies here. Trying to push things now may push her to seek the injunction so quietly find out what your rights might be and what options you have and basically just be patient, however hard it might be now it will pay off in the long term.

[Liam88]

Re: Advice on shared parenting

You need a specialist family solicitor - you might be entitled to legal aid so you could try contacting community legal advice in the first instance The Directory - Find a legal adviser

I'd keep up with Celestines previous advice, of course this solicitors letter was decided and written before you decided to try a different tack xx Try and keep that up, this may just be a knee jerk reaction to what went before - sadly you have no rights as things stand so you just have to try be the bigger person and allow her to come round in her own time once babies here. Trying to push things now may push her to seek the injunction so quietly find out what your rights might be and what options you have and basically just be patient, however hard it might be now it will pay off in the long term.

thanks for the link.

the letter basically says to leave her alone which i will now, mainly because i dont want to give her any reason to file for an injuction so if i dont contact her at all there wont be anyway for her to make anything up. im so upset about this, bullying, threatening and unreasonable? ive done nothing but try with that girl, i spent £50 on her on valentines days, i booked us in at a nice restaurant to which she couldnt be bothered to go to and all she does is think about herself and hide behind her vindictive mother.

4 hours a week? my family wont even get to see my daughter or not much of..its just really frustrating. theres not a cat in hell`s chance she`l come around or change

i basically need to keep up seeing the baby at her house for 4 hours a week and not put a foot wrong for a year and then apply for shared parenting? something i probably wont even get then?

great

[Sapphire]

Re: Advice on shared parenting

Hi Liam I'm sorry its come to this, but you must try to keep a level head, try looking at it in a different way hun, whether its a divorce or in my case a breakdown of relationship and he wanted my house or as in your case a breakup with a child involved, all of this is really nothing else but a massive game of Poker and its the biggest bluffer that wins, so what you need to do now is hold the better hand and concentrate on the long game.
Remember the one who holds the better hand of cards and bluffs best comes out on top, so now turn it on its head and relate it to your situation, you search for a better solicitor (the better hand of cards) and you stay calm at all times (the bluffing bit) and you'll come out on top, ok it will seem like its all taking far, far too long, it will drive you to distraction but remember the prize at the end and that prize is to have equal access and rights to your baby.
I think all the struggle will be more than worth going through.
Here's a big ((((Hug)))) because you deserve it.

[Liam88]

Re: Advice on shared parenting

Hi Liam I'm sorry its come to this, but you must try to keep a level head, try looking at it in a different way hun, whether its a divorce or in my case a breakdown of relationship and he wanted my house or as in your case a breakup with a child involved, all of this is really nothing else but a massive game of Poker and its the biggest bluffer that wins, so what you need to do now is hold the better hand and concentrate on the long game.
Remember the one who holds the better hand of cards and bluffs best comes out on top, so now turn it on its head and relate it to your situation, you search for a better solicitor (the better hand of cards) and you stay calm at all times (the bluffing bit) and you'll come out on top, ok it will seem like its all taking far, far too long, it will drive you to distraction but remember the prize at the end and that prize is to have equal access and rights to your baby.
I think all the struggle will be more than worth going through.
Here's a big ((((Hug)))) because you deserve it.

thankyou, a lot.

im having a look for solicitors now, will arrange an appointment and get all my things together, so far i have the letter iv received from zoes solicitor, i plan on making a few notes about a few points in the letter on a separate piece of paper, i also have the diary to take with me, sounds silly but would a receipt for the flowers and chocs i bought her for valentines day be worth printing off and taking with me also? kind of shows im not the threatening bully im being made out to be and might stand for something when i deny these allegations? i definitely need to be prepared for anything else they decide to chuck my way.

i must say you lot have been really good to me, more than a source of info anyway! thanks everyone.

[Celestine]

Re: Advice on shared parenting

Right, the solicitors letter received does not change anything, it's a knee jerk, fear reaction.....they are EXPECTING you to be awkward because you are being treated BADLY. See it for what it is, daft human nature.

So, you have to react positively. Yes, you can get a solicitor, but personally I wouldn't bother yet. You can respond to the solicitors letter yourself, it's a great opportunity for you to demonstrate your willingness to be supportive and reasonable.

If you send her a solicitors letter, even pleasantly worded, it will set the 'battle lines', once solicitors get involved in residency/access cases, they tend to stay involved. (mainly because they like to engage in legal banter solely designed to wind up their opposition!)

You have certain legal rights, that is not in any doubt, but there is little point 'returning fire' this early in the skirmish.

If you can get a solicitors appointment for free (some will for an initial consult), then go along and get some advice.....but really you'll be fine for now.

Ignore the allegations of bullying and harassment, yes, deny them formally but politely in your letter, apologise if any aspect of your behaviour has been misinterpreted but that all you care for now is the health, well being and happiness of Zoe and your child. Do not let it wind you up.

"4 hours a week? my family wont even get to see my daughter or not much of..its just really frustrating. theres not a cat in hell`s chance she`l come around or change"


It is frustrating but stop saying she won't change, you can patiently bring her round, it's a slow process, but she will eventually realise you are NOT a threat, CAN help with baby, CAN support her....I don't know many single mums who would willingly forsake extra support and help with a baby?! You can negotiate a visit for your family...perhaps at the park for a walk?
Receipts for flowers and chocs will not prove or disprove bullying btw, the letter needs to focus on the future, not the past.

If you want help drafting a nice friendly but formal letter just shout.

[Liam88]

Re: Advice on shared parenting

your right (again)

interesting point about the solicitors letter and hanging fire in regards to sending one, i really want to sort this between us and i was about to ask for some help in a letter if you wouldnt mind and then read your offer! really appreciate that you seem to word things right.

who knows i might just get to be there while my baby girl is being born!!

thankyou a million for your help

[jax007]

Re: Advice on shared parenting

That's the spirit Liam - just stay as sweet as you are.

By all means get yourself advice on your rights, etc but don't go waving them in her face - not yet awhile anyway.

As Celestine says - draft a reply to the solicitor's letter and post it up for help before you send it.

As hard as it may be, do try and be patient and not expect too much too soon.

Goodness - at least she's actually OFFERING you access - she could have denied it completely. Use it as a springboard to furthering a better relationship with Zoe and more access to baby in time. I think it's a brilliant start - whatever she offers accept it graciously and build on it and just try to keep things amicable for baby's sake.

Take care