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We have a complex situation with my stepson that we could really use some advice on.
For context:
My partner (referred to here as Phil) and his then-wife (referred to here as Jan) separated around 9 years ago. Jan planned on moving back from Wales to the Channel Islands and Phil reluctantly agreed on her taking their son with her; some rules were agreed upon between themselves beforehand to ensure regular contact etc., and it was also agreed that their son (referred to here as F) would be allowed to choose which parent to live with once he was 10 years old. Phil has kept up regular child maintenance payments plus additional costs (school uniform & trips, extra curricular activities, etc) and has also paid for all of the costs associated with Fs visitation- for the past 8 years this has typically consisted of F spending 1 or two weeks in Wales, roughly 6-8 times each year, with my partner or myself travelling to and from the Channel Islands to chaperone him.
Jan has consistently tried to obstruct contact between F and his dad, and has generally made things difficult whenever she could; she has occasionally been helpful and accommodating, but it has been rare unfortunately. She's cut contact, blocked our numbers etc, more times than I could keep track of as a way of trying to blackmail Phil into higher maintenance payments, even though the correct amount has always been paid. There is no court order in place with regard to their son, however, in their divorce proceedings, Jan had originally asked to include a residency order for their son but agreed for this to be removed, so we do have proof that there is no legal standing residency order in place.
Our current issue:
In May 2021, after a period of personal difficulties, Jan asked that we could have F come and stay with us for "an extended period of time" as she was not coping well. There had been some major upheaval in her personal circumstances over year or so prior, and F had been displaying some extreme and unpleasant behaviour which was getting increasingly worse and worse, and so it was agreed that we would have him stay with us until further notice. We've tried to approach the subject a few times in the past but it just ended with us not having contact with him for weeks and threats of not allowing him to leave the island for a visit in Wales, so obviously we jumped at this chance to have him come stay with us. We agreed to help out however we could with regard to regular contact, visitation, etc., and F moved in with us full time in June 2021. We got him enrolled in school, he made some friends, and settled in pretty quickly. In August, F expressed that he would like to continue living with us instead of returning to his mothers home, and after some discussion between all of us, it was decided amicably that F would remain in Wales, with the situation being reviewed again in a years time so he could again have the chance to say if he would like to continue living in Wales or move back to the Channel Islands.
Over the past 9 months, our relationship with Jan has unfortunately deteriorated as she feels we are not doing enough to ensure regular contact is maintained- F has a phone, but is very temperamental with it and it is also broken so it often turns off sporadically, & sometimes its days or weeks before we can get it working again (10 year olds & phones don't mix well!) so he has missed her calls or texts on quite a few occasions unfortunately, however he hasn't been able to contact her through any other means as she blocked both mine and my partners numbers months ago and refused to unblock us until last week.
When it comes to F visiting her in the Channel Islands: There have been two visits in 9 months- we paid for Fs flights and drove him to the airport etc., but she is furious that we aren't willing to 1) pay for her flights to/from the UK mainland in order for her to chaperone him, or 2) chaperon him ourselves. We've tried reasoning with her and have explained that even driving F to the airport is at least an 10 hour round trip for us (her round trip, flights included is around 4 hours) but she feels like we've tricked her as "this isn't what was originally offered", even though no specifics were mentioned at the time. We have records of all of the texts that outline what was help we offered etc.
As a side note: Jan pays no child maintenance to us. We are also unable to apply for basic Child Benefit allowance as she refuses to send us his birth certificate number, so we have no financial help for F at all, and so all costs for the travel that we have offered are very much from our own pockets.
So, the problem...
This morning I received a message from Jan stating that F will be moving back to her home in June as this was agreed between her and Phil last year, which it wasn't. She says that she isn't able to maintain this arrangement, partly because of the financial stress, but also because we have not been helpful enough with the contact/visitation side of things. She also says the emotional stress is too much for both her and her other children/F's younger siblings and she needs to have all of her children living together again. In the lengthy explanation she's given for needing him to move back to her home, there is absolutely no mention of what he wants or needs, which is to continue living with us. He is thinking about which high school to go to next September etc, and she has even asked him if he wants to move back with her or stay here, and he made it very clear that he wants to stay here. Each time she brings it up with him and he tells her he's happy here etc, she gets very cold toward him and guilt trips him with long messages about how hard it is to be away from him and how much it hurts that he doesn't want to go back, etc.
I'm worried that she will try to either convince him to move back to her home, or even try to force him if he wants to stay here with us. Is it possible for her to do this? If we cannot come to an agreement on this issue, what should our next steps be?
Thanks!
For context:
My partner (referred to here as Phil) and his then-wife (referred to here as Jan) separated around 9 years ago. Jan planned on moving back from Wales to the Channel Islands and Phil reluctantly agreed on her taking their son with her; some rules were agreed upon between themselves beforehand to ensure regular contact etc., and it was also agreed that their son (referred to here as F) would be allowed to choose which parent to live with once he was 10 years old. Phil has kept up regular child maintenance payments plus additional costs (school uniform & trips, extra curricular activities, etc) and has also paid for all of the costs associated with Fs visitation- for the past 8 years this has typically consisted of F spending 1 or two weeks in Wales, roughly 6-8 times each year, with my partner or myself travelling to and from the Channel Islands to chaperone him.
Jan has consistently tried to obstruct contact between F and his dad, and has generally made things difficult whenever she could; she has occasionally been helpful and accommodating, but it has been rare unfortunately. She's cut contact, blocked our numbers etc, more times than I could keep track of as a way of trying to blackmail Phil into higher maintenance payments, even though the correct amount has always been paid. There is no court order in place with regard to their son, however, in their divorce proceedings, Jan had originally asked to include a residency order for their son but agreed for this to be removed, so we do have proof that there is no legal standing residency order in place.
Our current issue:
In May 2021, after a period of personal difficulties, Jan asked that we could have F come and stay with us for "an extended period of time" as she was not coping well. There had been some major upheaval in her personal circumstances over year or so prior, and F had been displaying some extreme and unpleasant behaviour which was getting increasingly worse and worse, and so it was agreed that we would have him stay with us until further notice. We've tried to approach the subject a few times in the past but it just ended with us not having contact with him for weeks and threats of not allowing him to leave the island for a visit in Wales, so obviously we jumped at this chance to have him come stay with us. We agreed to help out however we could with regard to regular contact, visitation, etc., and F moved in with us full time in June 2021. We got him enrolled in school, he made some friends, and settled in pretty quickly. In August, F expressed that he would like to continue living with us instead of returning to his mothers home, and after some discussion between all of us, it was decided amicably that F would remain in Wales, with the situation being reviewed again in a years time so he could again have the chance to say if he would like to continue living in Wales or move back to the Channel Islands.
Over the past 9 months, our relationship with Jan has unfortunately deteriorated as she feels we are not doing enough to ensure regular contact is maintained- F has a phone, but is very temperamental with it and it is also broken so it often turns off sporadically, & sometimes its days or weeks before we can get it working again (10 year olds & phones don't mix well!) so he has missed her calls or texts on quite a few occasions unfortunately, however he hasn't been able to contact her through any other means as she blocked both mine and my partners numbers months ago and refused to unblock us until last week.
When it comes to F visiting her in the Channel Islands: There have been two visits in 9 months- we paid for Fs flights and drove him to the airport etc., but she is furious that we aren't willing to 1) pay for her flights to/from the UK mainland in order for her to chaperone him, or 2) chaperon him ourselves. We've tried reasoning with her and have explained that even driving F to the airport is at least an 10 hour round trip for us (her round trip, flights included is around 4 hours) but she feels like we've tricked her as "this isn't what was originally offered", even though no specifics were mentioned at the time. We have records of all of the texts that outline what was help we offered etc.
As a side note: Jan pays no child maintenance to us. We are also unable to apply for basic Child Benefit allowance as she refuses to send us his birth certificate number, so we have no financial help for F at all, and so all costs for the travel that we have offered are very much from our own pockets.
So, the problem...
This morning I received a message from Jan stating that F will be moving back to her home in June as this was agreed between her and Phil last year, which it wasn't. She says that she isn't able to maintain this arrangement, partly because of the financial stress, but also because we have not been helpful enough with the contact/visitation side of things. She also says the emotional stress is too much for both her and her other children/F's younger siblings and she needs to have all of her children living together again. In the lengthy explanation she's given for needing him to move back to her home, there is absolutely no mention of what he wants or needs, which is to continue living with us. He is thinking about which high school to go to next September etc, and she has even asked him if he wants to move back with her or stay here, and he made it very clear that he wants to stay here. Each time she brings it up with him and he tells her he's happy here etc, she gets very cold toward him and guilt trips him with long messages about how hard it is to be away from him and how much it hurts that he doesn't want to go back, etc.
I'm worried that she will try to either convince him to move back to her home, or even try to force him if he wants to stay here with us. Is it possible for her to do this? If we cannot come to an agreement on this issue, what should our next steps be?
Thanks!
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