Urgent advice needed please

[Ozeki]

Hi everyone I hope you are okay I want to ask advice regarding a situation I am in in 2019 my husband passed away are used his life insurance to pay a big part of my mortgage so now my mortgage is around 58,000 I now have a new boyfriend who started law school in a different part of the country. he gave me an ultimatum that if I want to be with him I need to sell the house now, get married with him and start trying for a baby. He expects me to use part of the house money to pay for a nanny and half the rent( we will have to rent). I mention that all his savings will you go on his studies. I am 38 and he is 44. my question is if we get married and then divorced what happens with the money from the house I would have in the bank or with the house if we already put those money towards a new house? would they split in half even if he didn't participate at all and everything comes from my poor husbands death? as I said he gave me an ultimatum and I have to let him know by Monday. we've only started dating in February and this relationship has many good parts but has also been quite turbulent. he went through a divorce three years ago and his wife took everything for from him and their 10 years old son died of cancer, so now he justifies his pressure by saying that if I keep the house that shows I'm not committed to the relationship and he's scared he's gonna lose his next child like he lost his first (if i will keep the child and split from him/stay in my house). He suffers with trauma from that and a few other things that happened to him.I mention I have no children. he also does not want to sign a prenup. I do love this man a lot.
Last thing to mention is that his studies are in the south of the country, whereas my job is in Birmingham ( but i live in gloucestershire) and although I work from home I will have to do the occasional trip to the office, and because I suffer with ME( chronic fatigue syndrome) and fibromyalgia, travelling is very hard for me not to mention that moving and pregnancy would have a massive effect on my health also, and he doesn't really believe in this illness anyway. He thinks is all in my head .what do you advise me to do?

[ostell]

Drop him

[Ozeki]

Its too hurried, isnt it?

[echat11]

One of the most important considerations has to be your health.

[Celestine]

Oh my goodness....RUN.
There are so many red flags here, please do not move and commit in this manner.
What about HIS commitment to you? Why is it all one way and why so rushed?

You've been through enough, your health should take priority, you would lose ALL autonomy if you took this move and his conduct suggests he knows that and is aggressively pushing you into this arrangement.

We don't often get warnings like this before the damage is done, please don't ignore these red flags. XXX

[Ozeki]

Yes, he does know i can easily be manipulated and i know he corners me on purpose. The only problem is i love him.
But yes, he is a very complicated person, i think he suffers with some form of autism, and sometimes he is very sweet but sometimes he just shuts himself in his room for days. I also remained pregnant as soon as we slept together ( he had a vasectomy and did not know it failed) and i aborted 1: because of my health and how i would not be able to cope:2 he initially wanted the baby then changed his mind.

the way he justifies his commitment is: you will have a comfortable life once im a barrister( which will be in 4 years!) .

[Ozeki]

I was hoping someone would also answer the legal questions please?

thank you so much, Celestine for your warm response. Xxx

[Celestine]

On the legal front, there are certain things you can do to protect your position BUT none of them offer an absolute guarantee and money would be 'lost' in the process of co-habiting, having a child etc.
You could explore a pre-nuptial agreement as well as a co-habitation agreement.
Generally speaking, your rights (as the money holder) will be more eroded by marrying than co-habitation. Everything becomes a bit more 50/50 after marriage and pre-nups are only 'persuasive on the UK courts, not binding'.

Aside from money, the biggest threat to you (and him) is emotional and health impacts of negative consequences. It is the hardest human skill to force your head to take control when your heart is grabbing the reins. Please also remember that you are still grieving, this new man has potentially 'artificially' filled that chasm, so you are especially vulnerable to poor decisions in this state.

Also, lastly, the legal profession is in tatters. Criminal barristers are becoming an endangered species and civil/corporate barristers start in their 20s to climb the career ladder. A late law student in his 40s is deluding himself that he has a successful future. Sorry to be so blunt, but it is important you hear the reality of his career 'future' when it's your finances supporting that ambition. Huge hugs to you X

[Ozeki]

He pays for his studies.
i agree, he chose the worst career path, but he is very stuborn ( and very clever, he has a phd).
As you said, i am all over the place, my mum also died suddently in october last year at 57 years old, and im just numb and all over the place, leaf in the wind.

Thank you again for your warm advice. xx

[islandgirl]

Take care. Let him go and live where he studies and then return to you. If he loves you he will. If he won't...you know the answer. Do not get marred yet! If he loves you he will be happy to do this. Love is not about money. Your whole future is tied up in your home - do not give it away. Good luck.

[Matty B]

Call me a cynic if you like and maybe a heartless one at that but do you know for certain that his ex took everything and indeed even about his son- you read much worse stories (for example people inventing 9/11 survival and loss stories).

It might be that all the above is true and it has left him deeply scared but if that is the case he needs some professional help - at the moment I think you need a barge pole to keep some distance. Sorry if that sounds hard .

Also- do you want a baby? there is absolutely nothing wrong in saying you don't. I love kids just can't eat a whole one :-)

[ostell]

A failed vasectomy? I found an article that says chances are 0.03% Are you sure he's had the op? Suggesting trying for a baby when he has claimed to have had a vasectomy is not a very clever action.

if you don't conceive again then what will he do? Move on to someone that can provide his alleged lost son.

when I read your post I surmised that here is someone living off the partner while they do what they want to do. Seen my daughter go through this

Having a PhD doesn't make him sensible and a nice person.

If you remain with him then stay where you are and then let him move in with you when he has qualified and found a job and is helping with the running of your household

[Ozeki]

Initially he did not say lets try for a baby.
I never wanted children so I've been careful all my life and have never been pregnant before. relying on the fact he had a vasectomy ( he did show me the appointment email and said he never went the second time around to check if it was successful) we did not use protection and to our surprise I remained pregnant so now he knows he's fertile and wants a baby. after I had abortion I suddenly got the strong urge to be pregnant again and have my baby . The urge is still very strong ( my abortion was at the end of april).

He is a very complex individual. He is not a bad person, but i think he is just damaged emotionally. Plus the autistic traits. My husband was so transparent , adored me and treated me with so much respect, care and love.

Well, yes, first he said that if i dont conceive again its fine, but then he said if i dont, he will find a younger woman, because he wants another child and see him grow up.

[DE DOGS]

Drop him

And although I don't personally know him what you have said is enough, He is known as a control freak, don't worry but ask his previous lady why she went off with everything Take care

[Celestine]

Well, yes, first he said that if i dont conceive again its fine, but then he said if i dont, he will find a younger woman, because he wants another child and see him grow up.

That tells you everything you need to know that your heart does not want to hear.

Beware of so called clever people, anyone who feels the need to tell you they are clever may well be so, but emotionally they are not clever at all, quite the reverse.

You sound like an intelligent, kind, grieving young woman, I hope a group of random internet strangers can give you the strength to hold on to your identity and independence because even though we don't know you, everything you have been brave enough to share, tells us how much risk you are at with this situation.