Help please - family court and non mol

[Coconutmilk]

Hi all
I have used this forum before for consumer advice very successfully (so thank you) but I am now in a tricky family court situation.

I separated with my husband 4 years ago. Initially everything with regards to family contact was ok - we had a family based arrangement for our two children and they saw him very regularly and he paid maintenance on time.

About a year ago things changed, he has ongoing addiction issues and flies between alcohol, drugs and gambling as an addiction. To cut a long story short, he stole money from me twice for his habits, I tried to support him through it, he has ended up losing his job several times as he didn’t turn up to work, is in trouble with landlord as owes money and basically has now got some undiagnosed mental health issues. He has made suicidal threats regularly and started to fixate on me as the route of all his problems which then over spilled on to my new partner and our child together.

I continued to try and maintain contact for the children but they were being let down at short notice or not being collected at all as he wouldn’t have money for taxis or transport (as he had lost his vehicle due to non payment). If I didn’t take them to him on demand or do what he wanted he would send abusive texts for hours after. When they did go there they sometimes weren’t fed properly and were not supervised correctly at all as he slept a lot. The school had contacted me to say they were noticing deteriorating behaviour from my eldest child in the days after a weekend at their fathers. After more suicidal messages and emergency services being involved I decided not to allow the children to go to their fathers for contact whilst his mental health seemed so bad and offered contact at one of his family members instead - which he refused multiple times. This caused the abuse towards myself to escalate to an unbearable level.

It all culminated in me applying for an non molestation order earlier this year which was agreed ex parte and when the return hearing was set, my ex partner showed up and agreed for the order to stay in place as he agreed he had been abusive, and continued to be abusive about me to my solicitor in court. He has breached the order multiple times since it was served and ended up being arrested for this.

I self funded the court as earnt £20 a week too much for legal aid, but my solicitor tried to arrange a contact arrangement with him at the return hearing as this seemed to be a sticking point. I expressed concerns over his addictions and spiralling mental health and therefore offered every other weekend 9-5 Saturday and Sunday at one of his family members houses and I would drop the children and collect them so he didn’t have to spend money on collecting them etc. He agreed to this begrudgingly but then once out of court he was able to contact my children as agreed by phone and started to emotionally abuse them by saying I had done all this to hurt them and I was a bad person and bad mother for doing this (they are 7 and 8). He also refused to organise the third party contact and then just told the children I was stopping them seeing him and he didn’t know what was going on or why I was doing it.

In the meantime he was due to attend court for the sentencing of breach of non molestation order and for sentencing for a drug driving offence - of which he failed to attend court for so the police contacted me to say there is an active warrant for his arrest and he will be found eventually and remanded until they can get him to court.

I alerted his family to this but they didn’t seem bothered and I have asked them to help with his apparently declining mental health but they won’t - they just give him money for alcohol and pay his food shopping. I have now made the decision that all contact must stop as it is a declining situation and isn’t appearing to get any better. Especially whilst there is an active arrest warrant, the school have advised that it is not a good idea for the children to see or speak to him whilst that is active, regardless of the other emotional abuse.

I have sent an email to one of his family advising the reasons why and that I need him to sort the police stuff out and get mental health support before I can do anything with contact. I’ve contacted a contact centre for support with mediation via emails to him but they won’t touch the referral as he is wanted by the police and not abiding by the law anyway so they don’t think he will abide by their rules.

All I can think of doing is applying for a child contact arrangement myself - as I don’t believe he will do it due to finances etc, as I know it’s important my children have some sort of relationship with their father - and I feel if I do that maybe the court can order him to get help and sort himself out and it will be coming from the court, not me, so he won’t see me as the evil person taking his children away?

I’ve indicated I am happy to do this but need to wait until the end of the month for payday as I cannot afford the fee for lodging it and I will need to represent myself as I cannot afford a solicitor.

I would be grateful for any advice on anyone who has been or is going through something similar and also any advice on the family court process and how I can ensure my children are protected as I believe it would be useful to have supervised contact initially - but also he needs to make sure he gets his health and addictions under control properly. I don’t want to go to court and look like I am bashing him - I want him to get help and be the good father I know he is capable of being with help.

[Peridot]

Hi Coconutmilk,
How worrying for you and the children. It seems you are doing everything you can to allow contact to take place, in the circumstances. All the suggestions you have made to enable contact would appear reasonable. Ultimately the welfare of the children is paramount. While their dad is going through the issues he is currently it does seem appropriate for a contact centre to be used, although I can understand why they have a possibly have a problem with the outstanding warrant.
I appreciate you want the children to have a relationship with their dad however, he evidently has some issues he needs to address before free contact can happen. I'm sorry to sound harsh but these are his problems he needs to address and not yours. Until he accepts that he needs to address these problems and tries to get help himself it would appear there is little else you can do, other than protect the children as far as you are able to.
I'm not sure why you feel you should make the contact application. You can't force him nor can the Court force him to seek the help he evidently needs. If he applies for contact then all the facts will be looked at, probably CAFCASS would be involved to assess what all parties want and consider what is best for the children and then proposals for restarting contact can be looked at. I suspect similar options to those you have already suggested would be the starting point ie contact centres, other family members being involved in contact etc, but the outstanding warrant will also have to be dealt with and until he admits he has a problem and is addressing it I can't see how direct contact can continue.
Yes the children are entitled to a relationship with their father but this can continue indirectly until he is in a better place. Indirect contact letters and cards maybe telephone calls at arranged times may be appropriate at this stage.
It could be worth your seeking some face to face advice for this from a child law specialist just to get the options straight in your mind as to how best to deal with the situation as it is currently. There are many firms that will provide a reduced fee or free half hour to give you an overview of what the options are and this may be a good starting point for you?
I admire your desire to maintain the children's relationship with their father and for looking at a variety of options to maintain their contact with him. It is so often the other way around that contact is being prevented for the most minor of reasons (which is clearly not the case here). However, sometimes no matter how hard you try you can't help someone until they help themselves.
Here if you need any further pointers or support in this difficult situation.

[Coconutmilk]

Peridot Thank you. I know if he got the correct help and support that he would be able to turn this around but I am also aware that he is the only person who can do it. I guess me thinking of filing the court order myself is so that I can show my children in the future that I didn’t decide just to write their father out of their lives and that I tried my hardest to have him involved, I never want them to feel I didn’t do my best for them to have a relationship with him. But if the court cannot make him get help then it seems pointless a me paying out to force an order that he won’t be too concerned about. I know he wants to see them as and when it suits him, but at the moment he isn’t in a safe or stable place physically or mentally and I have to safeguard them from that.
Hopefully all contact ceasing may give him the final rock bottom push to make changes to his lifestyle so that he can recover. I have still been sending birthday cards/Easter cards to him from the children and they are writing diaries with my help so that when they next see or speak to him - whether that be weeks or months - they can update him on their lives and school etc. If he makes an application to court I think that would signify some sort of recovery in his mental state and addictions - so that would actually be a positive thing - so maybe currently it is best that I do nothing more than I currently am and sit and wait and hope that he pulls through this.

[Peridot]

Hi again,
You are an inspiration and clearly trying to do the best for all concerned. Having had dealings in the past in family court situations I can say it was very rare to find a parent who seemed so focussed on maintaining their children's relationship with the other parent when there are evidently significant and justifiable issues for preventing it. More often than not it would be a parent refusing contact for the most minor infraction.
You will be able to explain things when the children are older and they will understand in time. Hopefully your ex will realise you aren't preventing him seeing his children indefinitely and will seek the help he needs. Maybe keeping a diary yourself wouldn't be a bad idea for future reference and to show the children in the future if appropriate?
Hopefully there will be happier times ahead for all concerned. Here if need support.

[Coconutmilk]

Peridot many thanks for your kind words. A diary for myself is a good idea to reflect and also for the future for the children to see when they are old enough to process it. I sincerely hope and pray my ex husband gets the help and support he needs when he realises he needs it and in time he will see clearer how none of this has been to hurt him but to try and keep the children stable.