Worried Dad

[Gimili]

I could use some advice. I have been seperated for over two years.

Me and my ex agreed to joint custody which with us both working shifts was tough but we managed.

Approximately 8 months ago she got a new job working 9 to 5 which meant the kids now spend more time her its less disruptive and we dont have to rely on family as much. I made it clear im also trying to find a job with similar working hours so we can get back to 50/50.

The children have always been registered as living with me in the family home and as im still single and earn less i can claim tax credits which i half with her. She now wants the children registered as living with her.

This would also mean we would lose tax credits as she has a new partner and they dont qualify. She did try and change the our sons choice of new school a few months ago...something we had always agreed on.

Where do i stand? Can she just simply register them as living with her.

I still have them every other weekend. Monday to friday. Every third week i pick them up from school and drop them off in the evening all week. School holidays i take time off and other odd days shifts allowing.

Financially im struggling.

If i lose the tax credits as well im not sure how i will cope apart from doing loads of overtime which in turn means less time with the kids.

Too many sleepless nights over this. Please help

[Amethyst]

Hi, Welcome to the forum.

I think it's not clear in your post, sorry, where the children do live most of the time... I think from what you have said they stay with you alternate weekends ( Friday after school to Monday morning ), you have them for the evenings after school until bedtime one week a month, and have them full time at periods during the holidays ? but they do actually live with their mum the majority of the time?

https://www.gov.uk/hmrc-internal-man...nual/tctm02204 has details on the 'normally living with' test - check the next page on there too for slightly more detail.

Has she said why she wants to change? is that something to do with the school choice issue?

Have you discussed the tax credit issue with her, and child benefit etc, and the affect losing that would have on your finances ( and thus ability to assist with the children financially etc) ? You live in the 'family home' - presumably you stayed in the house you lived in together with the children before you separated ? Was that rented or owned jointly?

Also, when you say agreed to joint custody ( shared ) was that just informal discussion after you separated or have you a written agreement / court order etc ?

[Gimili]

Hi, yes thats the current set up for where the kids live. Previous to her new job they would spend at least half the time here.

I have tried explaining about the tax credits and the impact it would have...the response is 'its not just about the money'

It was an informal arrangement. There are some emails confirming this.

I made it very clear that this arrangement after she got this new job would be temporary and that it would go back to 50/50.

I cannot think of any reason for her to want to register them there apart from changing schools without my permission.

[Gimili]

As for the house its still a joint mortgage however i pay the full amount. She stopped paying when she left. She said i could keep the house as long as it was left to the kids which obviously it would be.

[Setmefree3]

if you have parental responsibility, even as the non-resident parent - you have the right to be consulted over important issues such as:

• Changing schools
• Going on holidays with others/other organisations etc
• Serious medical issues
• Changing surname
• Emigration
• Their marriage
• Adoption

The following people automatically have parental responsibility:

• All birth mothers
• Fathers married to the mother at the time the child was born
• Fathers who are not married to the mother, but are registered on the child’s birth certificate. The registration or re-registration must have taken place on or after 1 December 2003
• Civil partners and partners of mothers registered as the child’s legal parent on the birth certificat

[Gimili]

Yes we were married at the time the kids were born.

so what would happen if i didnt give consent to change schools?

[Setmefree3]

First step from my experience would be family mediation to demonstrate that you want matters resolved before going down the official road. And if you can’t agree some other options are.

1. Specific Issue Order - Is an application to court which deals with something specific regarding a child. Specific issue orders can include looking into at which school the child attends.
2. Prohibited Steps Order - This is an order to stop someone exercising their parental responsibility for a child. A prohibited steps order can be useful for parents who think that the other parent is going to move their child from one school to another. It is possible to ask a court to make an order to stop this.

[Gimili]

Thank you.

the school issue has never made any sense to me. The choice we made for his secondary school is a 2 minute walk from my house and a 3 minutes drive from my ex's. Its also close to my daughters primary school.

changing my sons school would mean a 40 minute round trip by car or nearly an hour each way by bus for him...whilst my daughter would be finishing at the same time but 20 minutes away.

Unless of course she plans to change my daughters school as well.

at least i know there is a route to follow.

[Setmefree3]

The most important thing in all of this is your kids happiness and what they want. At a certain age, which in some cases can be as young as 10-12 a child can be evaluated as competent to decide what he or she wants. Hope it all works out for you.

[MrMarlow]

I went to court for my children just over 18 months ago and my son came to live with me full time, whilst my daughter was split between us 50/50, as at 10 years old, that is what she wanted, so whilst a court will generally take what a child wants as their final guideline from 13 years of age, they do listen to children younger.

If you end up fighting it out in a court room regarding school placements, just note that an argument will be about more than location and proximity to your homes.

I had that battle with my ex because one school was near her, and one near me. Luckily, my fight was never about proximity to my home, as I drive and I'd drive them to whatever school they chose, but I won on the grounds that the school near me is currently top 3 in the city and within the top 100 in the country. The school near her has bad OFSTED reports and has constant fighting outside the school gates at the end of school, etc.

As a parent, I would say that you should do some research into both schools and focus more on what's best for your child than focusing on your ex partner wanting to change the plan - it could be that her plan could mean they get a better education - and whilst the location difference is a pain between the children's schools, you could perhaps look for your daughter too - maybe there is a school for her, local to the same one, that is achieving better gradings?

Obviously, it's easy to say this without knowing how much it would really impact you, your ex partner, or the children, or even whether one school is better than the other.

Having been through this, I can sympathise and I wish you all the best in finding a resolution.

[Setmefree3]

I had 50/50 with my children. At the age of ten my son decided he wanted to come and live with me and nobody had a problem with it, so he has been with me ever since. My daughter at the age of seventeen also said she wanted to come and live with me. So now I’ve got my son,daughter and grandson all living with me. Life does tend to turn around eventually.