Please don’t judge!

[Help21]

I have been employed by my employer for 17 months. During my employment I entered into a relationship with an employee (both had other partners).

On several occasions I would try to end the relation ( have txt messages to prove this) but he would use coercive control in order for me to continue. He would declare his love very early on in the relationship, he would tell me his partner had numerous affairs also, she had been physically abusive to him on occasion. I would feel really sorry for him. I’m still unsure if all the above is true or he’s narcissist with a plan. However I’ll live & learn. I have taxes messages confirming the above also.

Anyway I fell pregnant as a result of the affair. He told me he was going to leave, not for me but for the baby, to be a dad. However he would like to date me once things had settled. Again sold me a future. I told him if he would like to be involved then he can, he chose to be involved. Again txt messages with confirmation of this. He stated that he would tell him partner after Christmas ( currently being September early October at this stage) & that I must keep it quiet till then. Again used coercive/ manipulation in order to do this. But subtle, saying how much he needs to be with his children at the minute & he’s not in the right headspace right now. Again messages of this. I reluctantly agreed. I miscarried 12 weeks into the pregnancy. I were absolutely devastated. He would then continue with his marriage like the whole thing never happened. He would still try to continue with the affair on a regular basis whilst buying a house with his partner.

We would share an office. His partner works for the same company but for a different department, our paths never crossed in work. He would still use manipulation& coercive control for me to keep the affair & miscarriage a secret. He would discourage me confiding in anybody about the miscarriage, tell me I could talk to him, “ we were going through this together” he would say, he would even cry at times. He would only make himself available during work times, in between calls & emails other colleagues being present it were very difficult to confide & talk to him about my struggles of keeping things bottled up. I were really struggling at this point. Having to pretend daily that none of this were happening were difficult. This control last months. Every day for months we would argue because I would need to confide in friends/family about my struggles but he would state that if I do his wife would find out, I would lose my job or at best be moved departments. It would affect the rest of the department, he were basically telling me it’s easier for me to bottle it up so the truth doesn’t be revealed because of the impact it will have on others including him.

In a desperate state. An emotional mess I would continue to keep the secret. Anyway. I decided to tell my partner & his of the affair. His partner informed my & his manager the same day. The manager then informed the rest of the department of the reasons why I had taken sick leave ( the affair) I didn’t give permission for this. I have text messages from another colleague confirming this. I raised a grievance for manipulation & coercive control against my colleague. Since I have done that I have had several meeting with managers & HR. Who have come to the following conclusion; I am to work from home ( I’m not in favour of this)doing work for another area( not the job I was employed to do) whilst the other employee returns to office to carry out his duties, they feel it’s unfair on the employee’s partner for me to return to base (although we don’t have any contact) they have told me that the colleague I was having the relationship with has made a statement ( not sure if it’s a grievance or a timeline of events) stating I had also been manipulating & coercive towards him.

Not sure in what sense this would be. No details or examples have been given to me. But HR & line managers are keen for both sides to be dropped, they in fact the best way forward is for me to be re deployed to another department again something I don’t want to do. All while the other employee stays in his role. He is of a higher pay band than myself. He always stated I am far easier to replace than him. I have already been replaced by a temporary working a week after I took leave. Now I feel like they want me to drop my grievance & take a new job because it’s easier to replace me than him!

I do not think it’s fair, I fully accept I did wrong but so did he. Why am I being the only one to make sacrifices. Please any advice. I don’t mind the honest truth about the affair, I get it however we all make mistakes!

thank you in advance

[echat11]

Hi Help21

This site doesn't judge.

I'm sure ULA will provide some useful advice.

ULA

[MIKE770]

better you paragraph the posting people may take time to read it not unravel it.

[EnglandPi]

Deleted

[Help21]

EnglandPi Thank you for your comment. I’ve taken your comments onboard. Thankfully as this relationship is a private issue & not a work related issue this shouldn’t result in anybody being sacked from their job! Ps where is your Halo, it appears to be missing just like your first comment!?!

[Help21]

MIKE770 thank you, I wasn’t sure if there were a C. Count. Can I edit post. It is very difficult to read. I understand!

thank you

[MIKE770]

bottom blue bar on your posting is an edit click on that and then space/ paragraph

[ULA]

Hi Help21 I want to reassure you this is a site that does not judge and our aim is to provide practical legal advice. I am just going to spend some time reviewing your initial post and then come back to you.

I will just quickly edit for you as I am reading it through.

[Help21]

ULA Thank you, I’ve just tried but it times me out

I expected some grief. Thank fully the member is quiet now.

[ULA]

A first question to ask is whether your company has a policy regarding relationships at work, I assume not as the manager and his partner worked together albeit in different departments? However, if the company does it would be good to understand whether they set out what course of action is taken if a relationship does develop between colleagues at work.

It is always difficult for a company to manage these situations to the satisfaction of both parties, particularly when a partner of one also works for the same company. Both of you are claiming coercive and manipulative behaviour and for the company it becomes a she said/he said situation and one that potentially they cannot make a judgement on as to which party is more at fault. I would say this is not their call anyway, the relationship was a personal matter, as you say and the company cannot come down on one side or the other, however what they have to do is manage the impact of what has happened on the running of the department, making sure that it continues to run effectively for the business. They also have to take into account the grievance that has been raised, however they need to consider how much of that relates to the personal relationship rather than what is work related.

In coming to any decision on how to resolve this issue consideration has to take account of three people you, the manager and his partner and it is clear that in coming to any solution the company wants to ensure that they retain all three of you in the company. In all honesty, they were never going to allow you and the manager to continue in the same department, this would be untenable for both of you and would also potentially have a detrimental effect on the rest of the colleagues in that team. Therefore, one of you has to be moved and the company would have to consider what is best for the business and will have the least impact on the running of that department. In this case the decision has been that the manager stays in the department and you need to be found a new position. Do not take this as a judgement on your ability that you are being redeployed to a different team, it is a positive that they know your skills can be utilised in another team.

I know that you are not happy about being asked to work from home, however is the role that you are going to, one that can be effectively carried out from home?
Do the rest of that team work from the office or are they working a hybrid model?
I think you need to find out what process there is in place for contact with the team on a regular basis?
Could you speak to HR and establish whether at some point in the future you would be allowed to work from the office?

In terms of employment law, the company has done nothing wrong, they are managing a difficult situation and tried to ensure that the three of you will have little or no reason to interact with each other in the future. As I said earlier, the company was put into a difficult situation and whatever they decided I doubt whether they could have come up with a solution that suited both of you.

I can appreciate that after all you have been through, to you this feels unfair, particularly given your understandable emotions around how you feel you were treated by this manager in the relationship. This was a business decision by the company based on the fact that you could not continue working together and without judging who was right or wrong in a private matter.

I am not sure if this helps but if you have any questions then just come back to this thread.

[Help21]

Hi,

Thank you for your response.

no,no policy in place with regards to relationships in the work place.

The relationship between myself & the other party was not my manager, it was a colleague. Just a higher pay band.

I do feel like it is a personal issue rather than a work issue, however when threats to my job were made in a way to silence me, I felt that it then became a work issue.

no issues with regards to the running of the department until I told the truth. The manager then informed the rest of the team about my relation with the other colleague. It was currently on sick leave at this point. He explained the reasons why I were on sick leave. Is this a breach in confidentiality?

my role can be done from home but with difficulty, the other party is clinical but doesn’t necessarily need to be office based. I would always spend limited time in the office.

HR are involved, however I feel that they are just looking at the easiest option for them rather than acknowledging that a member of staff has actually been using manipulation & using coercive control to another whilst threading them with their job.

I am happy to work from home for the short term however not permanent just for the sake of convenience. I am also happy to apply for other roles but again not for convince to them in order to brush it under the carpet whilst the other employee continues in his role whilst I’m the one being made to make all the changes.

I also feel like I shouldn’t out of principle, the employee threaten me this would happen. We were both wrong not just me.

kind regards

[ULA]

Thank you for confirmation there is no policy in place which means I do not need to get details of that.

Sorry that i misunderstood from your post that it was a department colleague not the manager.

How long ago was it that he started to make the threats in regard to your job and when did you raise the grievance?

Did you raise the grievance after the affair became knowledge in the company?

You appear to be in dialogue with HR, have you raised the issue of breach of confidentiality by your manager in regard to him revealing the detail of the sickness absence? If not then you need to do so and it will then be up to them to investigate and decide on whether any action will be taken.

I am going offline now so and will not be immediately availalbe to respond to any post. Will try and login later in the weekend.

[Help21]

He would make threats throughout the relationship, not necessarily in a aggressive tone.l, but would continually make me aware that he is held in a higher regard than myself. After the miscarriage I would tell him daily that I needed to confide in somebody, I was really struggling, keeping grief like that bottled up was not good.

I would tell him I need to tell the truth, I want to fix me, my relationship & I couldn’t do that by living a lie. “ tell the truth it becomes your past, tell a lie it become your future” he would then be really aggressive, tell me how it would massively impact him with his home life, him financially, our mangers mental health would impact, lots of reasons why.

That would put pressure on me to keep quiet because I cared for him, I didn’t want to hurt him but I needed help, I also didn’t want to cause any more issues at work so I did as he said. He knew what so say. Then he would be overly nice to me, win me over in order to silence me. This happened for around 7 months.

I raised the grievance two days after I broke the news to my family. The following day my manager informed the team. I have raised this issue with HR. Both myself & the other Colleague & his partner were off with leave & would not be returning in the near future. HR feel that manager did not break confidentiality as they said it was in the interest of the team, they say they didn’t want our colleagues to find out from somebody else, however know body else knew but even still I feel he could of explained that we are both off due to personal issues, & he would discourage any contact or if they hear of any rumours to not get involved or comment.

I don’t feel he needed to divulge everything, the manager also got his information from the colleague s partner, which wasn’t intact factually correct & this is the version he has given to the department. The manager has intact created Chinese whispers.

Ok no worries, thank you for all your help.