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Thought you might all like a laugh before Chrimbo.
This is absolutely true, some of it is totally uncalled for but funny as hell!!
I was 20, had my own car and a hot Irish boyfriend (who sadly isn't with us anymore) and knew everything and sod all!!
Aiden had been to Ireland to see his granny before Christmas, she wasn't coming over for some reason, and she had decided, for reasons best known to herself that a 2 hour drive from Limerick (co. Kerry) to Cobh (co Cork) and a 12 hour crossing to Swansea was a quicker journey for Our Hero then a 3 hour drive to to Dublin and an hour crossing to Holyhead.
I volunteered to collect Gallant Irishman and drove, no mobile phone, RAC card in hand and cig in mouth, to Swansea to collect him.
This is where the fun starts. My car was a 1 litre Austin Metro! She could do hills, slowly, and when she got to speed, would cruise happily and only had a tape deck! i had all my tapes stacked on the passenger seat and was quite happily pooteling along Marylebone Road (this is where Bill is saying OMG this isn't going to be good) and headed off up the A40 towards the "short cut" to the M4.
I get to the Northolt... and come face to face with a rolling road block and US marines with whacking great machine guns pointed at me (well I thought the road had been empty.
I stop and am questioned, where am I going... to get my boyfriend from the ferry in Swansea.
Where have I come from? London.
They rooted through my car and put the sniffer dog in it (she found a tennis ball and a half eaten bonio that she claimed as hers.. and she loved the idea of the sarnies in the glove box!!)
As this is happening, a plane landed, and I realised I was watching Airforce One land.
I was allowed past and had the road to myself.. I began to worry, this was the 23rd December for heaven's sake... where was everyone? I took the Maidenhead road and joined the M4, expecting tailbacks, delays, you name it... nothing! I followed the road to Membury Services.. pulled in for a coffee.. and sat there... for an hour while the idiots who can't park a car any more than I can fly a plane to'd and fro'd trying to park. I watched as a man with a caravan reversed daintily in to a lampost, and then jumped up and down on his hat screaming abuse at said lampost for being there!!
I listened as Little Billy told all and sundry, in no uncertain terms, that "I NEED A WEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE!!" and watched as either a drunken rugby or football team all piled in to a minibus. pushed in by the only sober one (the driver thankfully) and waited till they left the space I needed, gaining a 21 bum salute out the window for it, and parked..
COFFEE!! I dashed in.. and my jaw dropped, the cafe's were all chocka, the queue for the ladies went round the corner.. so me being me, and never having had an iota of this phenomina called shame, I grabbed a passing gentleman and said, "Is there anyone in the blokes bog?" He said no, but went to double check. I followed him, shouting "DON'T MIND ME BOYS, SEEN ONE SEEN 'EM ALL!" and used the loo.. followed by irish dancing women who simply didn't have the nerve to do it themselves.
I went back to the car, coffeeless, but desperate to get to Wales and my man, and left the car park, my space taken by a group of grateful Irish jigging women who jigged off in to the sunset.
I rejoined the motorway, and followed the road across the Severn Bridge when I realized.. I had no map for Wales.. I was LOST!
Well.. come on woman think, the first town you see, you stop and ask directions.
I saw a sign for Gwasanaeth. I had no idea what part of Wales it was, but if I could get there, I would ask how get to Swansea port. The sign read Gwasanaeth 5 miles... I watched as the miles lowered, and suddenly it went fro 1 mile.. to 13! The town had moved!! Again I followed the sign, got to a mile and it moved... to 10 miles! What was this place? The Welsh Brigadoon???
Eventually I saw a sign for the port, and in I went. Aiden's boat docked in an hour, and there was the sign again Gwasanaeth!
I asked an official, "Where exactly is that place??"
When he saw the sign, and stopped laughing at me, he kindly explained that Gwasanaeth in English means....... Service Station.
The boat arrived and off came my very bedraggled looking Irishman, with suitcases and tinsel round his neck.. and smelling very strongly of fish and seagull crap! Just to add to our joy... God put the tap on and it POURED with rain! just as Aiden had decided to strip to the waist and change his stinky clothes!
We bundled in to the Magic Metro (his name on it not mine) and began our drive home. I regaled him with my tales of the moving Welsh town and he opened one eye sleepily and said "Much as I love you and the fact you have driven here to me.. I did have a train ticket!" I could have quite mercifully slapped him!!!
We joined the London bound M4, nothing else could go wrong.. could it?? Oh yes it could!!! I hit fog.
When I say I hit fog, this was like the cartoons where you hit the fog, and bounce off! Aiden woke almost instantly and said "The second you feel tired, we swap drivers. No arguments woman!" I found a set of headlights that seemed wide enough to shield me and I followed them, hoping against hope it was going to London.
We followed for a while when I realised the wide load's lights were showing up the signs, it read SERVICES and the load was heading for them. GREAT idea!! We went in to the services, the fog lifted and I realised that I was at the reading Oracle and that I was following a huge low loader with the biggest tank (as in Sherman tank) I had ever seen on the back!
The police arrived, and annouced that due to a HUGE accident, the M4 was shut until further notice, so we rang our parents and got back in the car and both fell asleep. We woke up the early hours of Christmas Eve, to tapping on the window, and a kindy Burger King worker with coffee and the words, "the road's reopened, coffees are on us, Merry Christmas!"
We thanked her, walked about to ease cramped muscles and headed off to London, we got to my mum's house and crept in like church mice, to be greeted with 2 sets of parents siblings and my gran.. all a little tipsy, having a hoolie!!
They took one look at us and said "You do realise that not only did Aiden have a train ticket.. His uncle Eamonn has been at Holyhead for 6 hours waiting for him.. Aiden laughed, and pointed at the speakers. We all had a good laugh at the fact all we could hear was Chris Rea telling us how wonderful it was to be "Driving home for Christmas!!"
This is absolutely true, some of it is totally uncalled for but funny as hell!!
I was 20, had my own car and a hot Irish boyfriend (who sadly isn't with us anymore) and knew everything and sod all!!
Aiden had been to Ireland to see his granny before Christmas, she wasn't coming over for some reason, and she had decided, for reasons best known to herself that a 2 hour drive from Limerick (co. Kerry) to Cobh (co Cork) and a 12 hour crossing to Swansea was a quicker journey for Our Hero then a 3 hour drive to to Dublin and an hour crossing to Holyhead.
I volunteered to collect Gallant Irishman and drove, no mobile phone, RAC card in hand and cig in mouth, to Swansea to collect him.
This is where the fun starts. My car was a 1 litre Austin Metro! She could do hills, slowly, and when she got to speed, would cruise happily and only had a tape deck! i had all my tapes stacked on the passenger seat and was quite happily pooteling along Marylebone Road (this is where Bill is saying OMG this isn't going to be good) and headed off up the A40 towards the "short cut" to the M4.
I get to the Northolt... and come face to face with a rolling road block and US marines with whacking great machine guns pointed at me (well I thought the road had been empty.
I stop and am questioned, where am I going... to get my boyfriend from the ferry in Swansea.
Where have I come from? London.
They rooted through my car and put the sniffer dog in it (she found a tennis ball and a half eaten bonio that she claimed as hers.. and she loved the idea of the sarnies in the glove box!!)
As this is happening, a plane landed, and I realised I was watching Airforce One land.
I was allowed past and had the road to myself.. I began to worry, this was the 23rd December for heaven's sake... where was everyone? I took the Maidenhead road and joined the M4, expecting tailbacks, delays, you name it... nothing! I followed the road to Membury Services.. pulled in for a coffee.. and sat there... for an hour while the idiots who can't park a car any more than I can fly a plane to'd and fro'd trying to park. I watched as a man with a caravan reversed daintily in to a lampost, and then jumped up and down on his hat screaming abuse at said lampost for being there!!
I listened as Little Billy told all and sundry, in no uncertain terms, that "I NEED A WEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE!!" and watched as either a drunken rugby or football team all piled in to a minibus. pushed in by the only sober one (the driver thankfully) and waited till they left the space I needed, gaining a 21 bum salute out the window for it, and parked..
COFFEE!! I dashed in.. and my jaw dropped, the cafe's were all chocka, the queue for the ladies went round the corner.. so me being me, and never having had an iota of this phenomina called shame, I grabbed a passing gentleman and said, "Is there anyone in the blokes bog?" He said no, but went to double check. I followed him, shouting "DON'T MIND ME BOYS, SEEN ONE SEEN 'EM ALL!" and used the loo.. followed by irish dancing women who simply didn't have the nerve to do it themselves.
I went back to the car, coffeeless, but desperate to get to Wales and my man, and left the car park, my space taken by a group of grateful Irish jigging women who jigged off in to the sunset.
I rejoined the motorway, and followed the road across the Severn Bridge when I realized.. I had no map for Wales.. I was LOST!
Well.. come on woman think, the first town you see, you stop and ask directions.
I saw a sign for Gwasanaeth. I had no idea what part of Wales it was, but if I could get there, I would ask how get to Swansea port. The sign read Gwasanaeth 5 miles... I watched as the miles lowered, and suddenly it went fro 1 mile.. to 13! The town had moved!! Again I followed the sign, got to a mile and it moved... to 10 miles! What was this place? The Welsh Brigadoon???
Eventually I saw a sign for the port, and in I went. Aiden's boat docked in an hour, and there was the sign again Gwasanaeth!
I asked an official, "Where exactly is that place??"
When he saw the sign, and stopped laughing at me, he kindly explained that Gwasanaeth in English means....... Service Station.
The boat arrived and off came my very bedraggled looking Irishman, with suitcases and tinsel round his neck.. and smelling very strongly of fish and seagull crap! Just to add to our joy... God put the tap on and it POURED with rain! just as Aiden had decided to strip to the waist and change his stinky clothes!
We bundled in to the Magic Metro (his name on it not mine) and began our drive home. I regaled him with my tales of the moving Welsh town and he opened one eye sleepily and said "Much as I love you and the fact you have driven here to me.. I did have a train ticket!" I could have quite mercifully slapped him!!!
We joined the London bound M4, nothing else could go wrong.. could it?? Oh yes it could!!! I hit fog.
When I say I hit fog, this was like the cartoons where you hit the fog, and bounce off! Aiden woke almost instantly and said "The second you feel tired, we swap drivers. No arguments woman!" I found a set of headlights that seemed wide enough to shield me and I followed them, hoping against hope it was going to London.
We followed for a while when I realised the wide load's lights were showing up the signs, it read SERVICES and the load was heading for them. GREAT idea!! We went in to the services, the fog lifted and I realised that I was at the reading Oracle and that I was following a huge low loader with the biggest tank (as in Sherman tank) I had ever seen on the back!
The police arrived, and annouced that due to a HUGE accident, the M4 was shut until further notice, so we rang our parents and got back in the car and both fell asleep. We woke up the early hours of Christmas Eve, to tapping on the window, and a kindy Burger King worker with coffee and the words, "the road's reopened, coffees are on us, Merry Christmas!"
We thanked her, walked about to ease cramped muscles and headed off to London, we got to my mum's house and crept in like church mice, to be greeted with 2 sets of parents siblings and my gran.. all a little tipsy, having a hoolie!!
They took one look at us and said "You do realise that not only did Aiden have a train ticket.. His uncle Eamonn has been at Holyhead for 6 hours waiting for him.. Aiden laughed, and pointed at the speakers. We all had a good laugh at the fact all we could hear was Chris Rea telling us how wonderful it was to be "Driving home for Christmas!!"
