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This was written by a 98 yr old woman and sent to her bank, her bank manager thought it was amusing enough to have it published in the Times 
Dear Sir,
I am writing to thank you for bouncing my cheque with which I endeavoured to
pay my plumber last month. By my calculations, three 'nanoseconds' must have
elapsed between his presenting the cheque and the arrival in my account of the
funds needed to honour it. I refer, of course, to the automatic monthly
deposit of my Pension, an arrangement, which, I admit, has been in place for
only thirty eight years. You are to be commended for seizing that brief
window of opportunity, and also for debiting my account £30 by way of penalty
for the inconvenience caused to your bank.
My thankfulness springs from the manner in which this incident has caused me to
rethink my errant financial ways. I noticed that whereas I personally
attend to your telephone calls and letters, when I try to contact you, I am
confronted by the impersonal, overcharging, pre-recorded, faceless entity which
your bank has become. From now on, I, like you, choose only to deal with
a flesh-and-blood person.
My mortgage and loan payments will therefore and hereafter no longer be
automatic, but will arrive at your bank by cheque, addressed personally and
confidentially to an employee at your bank whom you must nominate. Be
aware that it is an offence under the Postal Act for any other person to open
such an envelope. Please find attached an Application Contact Status
which I require your chosen employee to complete. I am sorry it runs to
eight pages, but in order that I know as much about him or her as your bank
knows about me, there is no alternative. Please note that all copies of
his or her medical history must be countersigned by a Solicitor, and the
mandatory details of his/her financial situation (income, debts, assets and
liabilities) must be accompanied by documented proof.
In due course, I will issue your employee with PIN number which he/she must
quote in dealings with me. I regret that it cannot be shorter than 28
digits but, again, I have modelled it on the number of button presses required
of me to access my account balance on your phone bank service. As they say,
imitation is the sincerest form of flattery.
Let me level the playing field even further. &When you call me, press
buttons as follows:
1 - To make an appointment to see me.
2 - To query a missing payment.
3 - To transfer the call to my living room in case I am there.
4 - To transfer the call to my bedroom in case I am sleeping.
5 - To transfer the call to my toilet in case I am attending to nature.
6 - to transfer the call to my mobile phone if I am not at home.
7 - To leave a message on my computer (a password to access my computer is
required. A password will be communicated to you at a later date to the
Authorized Contact.)
8 - To return to the main menu and to listen to options 1 through to 8.
9 - To make a general complaint or inquiry, the contact will then be put on
hold, pending the attention of my automated answering service. While this
may, on occasion, involve a lengthy wait, uplifting music will play for the
duration of the call.
Regrettably, but again following your example, I must also levy an
establishment fee to cover the setting up of this new arrangement.
May I wish you a happy, if ever so slightly less prosperous, New Year.
Your Humble Client
LOL 98!!!
Doesn't she make you proud!!
Dear Sir,
I am writing to thank you for bouncing my cheque with which I endeavoured to
pay my plumber last month. By my calculations, three 'nanoseconds' must have
elapsed between his presenting the cheque and the arrival in my account of the
funds needed to honour it. I refer, of course, to the automatic monthly
deposit of my Pension, an arrangement, which, I admit, has been in place for
only thirty eight years. You are to be commended for seizing that brief
window of opportunity, and also for debiting my account £30 by way of penalty
for the inconvenience caused to your bank.
My thankfulness springs from the manner in which this incident has caused me to
rethink my errant financial ways. I noticed that whereas I personally
attend to your telephone calls and letters, when I try to contact you, I am
confronted by the impersonal, overcharging, pre-recorded, faceless entity which
your bank has become. From now on, I, like you, choose only to deal with
a flesh-and-blood person.
My mortgage and loan payments will therefore and hereafter no longer be
automatic, but will arrive at your bank by cheque, addressed personally and
confidentially to an employee at your bank whom you must nominate. Be
aware that it is an offence under the Postal Act for any other person to open
such an envelope. Please find attached an Application Contact Status
which I require your chosen employee to complete. I am sorry it runs to
eight pages, but in order that I know as much about him or her as your bank
knows about me, there is no alternative. Please note that all copies of
his or her medical history must be countersigned by a Solicitor, and the
mandatory details of his/her financial situation (income, debts, assets and
liabilities) must be accompanied by documented proof.
In due course, I will issue your employee with PIN number which he/she must
quote in dealings with me. I regret that it cannot be shorter than 28
digits but, again, I have modelled it on the number of button presses required
of me to access my account balance on your phone bank service. As they say,
imitation is the sincerest form of flattery.
Let me level the playing field even further. &When you call me, press
buttons as follows:
1 - To make an appointment to see me.
2 - To query a missing payment.
3 - To transfer the call to my living room in case I am there.
4 - To transfer the call to my bedroom in case I am sleeping.
5 - To transfer the call to my toilet in case I am attending to nature.
6 - to transfer the call to my mobile phone if I am not at home.
7 - To leave a message on my computer (a password to access my computer is
required. A password will be communicated to you at a later date to the
Authorized Contact.)
8 - To return to the main menu and to listen to options 1 through to 8.
9 - To make a general complaint or inquiry, the contact will then be put on
hold, pending the attention of my automated answering service. While this
may, on occasion, involve a lengthy wait, uplifting music will play for the
duration of the call.
Regrettably, but again following your example, I must also levy an
establishment fee to cover the setting up of this new arrangement.
May I wish you a happy, if ever so slightly less prosperous, New Year.
Your Humble Client
LOL 98!!!
Doesn't she make you proud!!
