Dad Jokes :)

[charitynjw]

Did you hear the one about the cannibal who dumped his girlfriend?

[charitynjw]

I'm in the doghouse ..........again!

MIL was round at ours yesterday.
She said she's finally decided........she wants to be cremated.
"No probs", says I.......

...."grab yer coat, then!"

What?

[charitynjw]

This Xmas I'm buying the OH a wooden leg.

Obviously not as the main prezzie.......it's just a stocking filler!

[charitynjw]

Bloke goes into a pub....he's got a scabby looking dog, a piece of string for a lead.
"We only allow guide dogs in here" says the landlord.
"This is a guide dog" says the bloke.
"Don't give me that" says the landlord, "Guide dogs are usually German Shepherds, or Labradors"
"*Beep*ing Hell" says the bloke, "Not again...what have they given me this time?!"

[Setmefree3]

Three dogs are at the vet in the waiting room.

When the first dog asks the second dog what he's in for.

He answers, "My master bought a brand new carpet the other day, and at the first opportunity I soiled it, so now I've been brought here to be put to sleep. So what are you here for?"

The first dog replies grimly, "I'm also being put to sleep. My master had a table with a collection of expensive vases and while I was chasing my tail I accidently bumped into the table and broke them all."

The two dogs then look over and ask the third dog what he's in for.

The third dog answers, "The reason I'm here is the other day my master stepped out of the shower and she bent over. I couldn't resist, so I jumped her from behind and took her like a wild animal!"

"So I guess you're also here to be put to sleep?" says the first dog.

The third dog answers, "Nope, I'm here to get my nails done."

[Setmefree3]

The other day, Miss SETMEFREE3 asked me to pass her lipstick but I accidentally passed her a glue stick. She still isn't talking to me.

[Setmefree3]

And the lord said unto John, "Come forth and you will receive eternal life". John came fifth and won a toaster.

[charitynjw]

Guy, in terrible pain, goes to the doctor.
Doc examines him & says "I've got good news & bad news for you"
"What's the good news?"
"They'll probably name the disease after you!"

[Setmefree3]

A gentleman is preparing to board a plane, when he hears that the Pope is on the same flight. “This is exciting,” thinks the gentleman. “Perhaps I'll be able to see him in person.” Imagine his surprise when the Pope sits down in the seat next to him. Shortly after take-off, the Pope begins a crossword puzzle. Almost immediately, the Pope turns to the gentleman and says, “Excuse me, but do you know a four letter word referring to a woman that ends in ‘unt?’” Only one word leaps to mind. “My goodness,” thinks the gentleman, “I can't tell the Pope that. There must be another word.” The gentleman thinks for quite a while, and then it hits him. Turning to the Pope, the gentleman says, “I think the word you're looking for is ‘aunt.’” “Of course,” says the Pope. “Do you have an eraser?”

[charitynjw]

A gentleman is preparing to board a plane, when he hears that the Pope is on the same flight. “This is exciting,” thinks the gentleman. “Perhaps I'll be able to see him in person.” Imagine his surprise when the Pope sits down in the seat next to him. Shortly after take-off, the Pope begins a crossword puzzle. Almost immediately, the Pope turns to the gentleman and says, “Excuse me, but do you know a four letter word referring to a woman that ends in ‘unt?’” Only one word leaps to mind. “My goodness,” thinks the gentleman, “I can't tell the Pope that. There must be another word.” The gentleman thinks for quite a while, and then it hits him. Turning to the Pope, the gentleman says, “I think the word you're looking for is ‘aunt.’” “Of course,” says the Pope. “Do you have an eraser?”

I thought that RCs don't do 'rubbers'?

[Setmefree3]

I thought that RCs don't do 'rubbers'?

Durex me to accept that ;-)

[Setmefree3]

Did you know that the man who invented the knock knock jokes, actually won the no-bell prize.

[Amethyst]

Ahhh I do love this thread on a morning ... cheery start to the day xxxx

[Setmefree3]

A Sunday school teacher is concerned that his students might be a little confused about Jesus, so he asks his class, "Where is Jesus today?"

Steven raises his hand and says, "He's in Heaven."

Mary answers, "He's in my heart."

Little Johnny waves his hand furiously and blurts out, "He's in our bathroom!"

The surprised teacher asks Little Johnny how he knows this.

"Well," Little Johnny says, "every morning, my father gets up, bangs on the bathroom door and yells 'Jesus Christ, are you still in there?!'"

[charitynjw]

Ok, time to plumb new depths!


What's pink & wrinkly & hangs out yer underpants?



Yer mum!