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DON'T waste money on expensive iPods. Simply think of your favourite tune and hum it. If you want to switch tracks, simply think of another song you like and hum that instead.
CINEMA goers: Please have consideration for pirate DVD viewers by having a **** before the film starts.
RAPPERS: Avoid having to say "know what I'm sayin'" all the time by actually speaking clearly in the first place.
DON'T waste money on expensive paper shredders to avoid having your identity stolen. Simply place a few dog poos in the bin bags along with your old bank statements.
WORRIED that your teeth will be stained after a heavy night drinking red wine? Simply drink a bottle of white wine before going to bed to remove the stains.
SOLDIERS: Invest in a digital camera to avoid all that court martial tomfoolery after a trip to Trueprint.
MURDERERS: Need to dispose of a body? Simply parcel it up and post it to yourself via DHL. You will never see it again.
CRIMINALS: When fleeing from the police, run with your right arm sticking out at a 90-degree angle, wrapped in a baby mattress, in case they set one of their dogs on you.
EMPLOYERS: Avoid time-consuming job interviews by immediately tossing 90 percent of the applicants' CVs into the bin.
MEN: When listening to your favourite CD, simply turn up the sound to the volume you desire; then turn it down three notches. This will save your wife from having to do it.
GAMBLERS: For a new gambling opportunity, try sending a £50 note to yourself by Royal Mail.
BANGING two pistachio nutshells together gives the impression that a very small horse is approaching.
BLIND PEOPLE: Give yourself at least a chance of seeing something by not wearing heavy dark glasses all the time.
GRATED cheddar cheese from the supermarket can be squashed tightly together with the fingers to produce a block of cheese, ready for slicing or grating.
ALCOHOL makes an ideal substitute for happiness.
DRIVERS: If a car breaks down or stalls in front of you, beep your horn and wave your arms frantically. This should help the car start and send them on their way.
PREVENT burglars stealing everything in the house while you're asleep by simply moving everything into your bedroom when you go to bed. In the morning, simply move it all back again.
CAR THIEVES: Don't be discouraged when nothing is on view. All the valuables are usually hidden in the glove box or under a seat.
DEPRESSED people: Instead of attempting suicide as a "cry for help", simply shout "Help!", thus saving money on paracetamol, etc.
MOTORISTS: Avoid getting prosecuted for using your phone whilst driving. Simply pop your mobile inside a large shell and the police will think you are listening to the ocean.
SHOES last twice as long if only worn every other day.
SINGLE men: Convince people that you have a girlfriend by standing outside Etam with several bags of shopping, looking at your watch and occasionally glancing inside.
BOIL an egg to perfection without costly egg timers by popping the egg into boiling water and driving away from your home at exactly 60mph. After 3 miles, phone your wife and tell her to take the egg out the pan.
ALCOHOLICS: Don't worry where the next drink is coming from. Go to the pub, where a large selection is available at retail prices.
McDONALD'S: Make your brown carrier bags green so they blend in with the countryside after they've been thrown out of car windows.
Thought they might brighten up a dreary Monday morning.
CINEMA goers: Please have consideration for pirate DVD viewers by having a **** before the film starts.
RAPPERS: Avoid having to say "know what I'm sayin'" all the time by actually speaking clearly in the first place.
DON'T waste money on expensive paper shredders to avoid having your identity stolen. Simply place a few dog poos in the bin bags along with your old bank statements.
WORRIED that your teeth will be stained after a heavy night drinking red wine? Simply drink a bottle of white wine before going to bed to remove the stains.
SOLDIERS: Invest in a digital camera to avoid all that court martial tomfoolery after a trip to Trueprint.
MURDERERS: Need to dispose of a body? Simply parcel it up and post it to yourself via DHL. You will never see it again.
CRIMINALS: When fleeing from the police, run with your right arm sticking out at a 90-degree angle, wrapped in a baby mattress, in case they set one of their dogs on you.
EMPLOYERS: Avoid time-consuming job interviews by immediately tossing 90 percent of the applicants' CVs into the bin.
MEN: When listening to your favourite CD, simply turn up the sound to the volume you desire; then turn it down three notches. This will save your wife from having to do it.
GAMBLERS: For a new gambling opportunity, try sending a £50 note to yourself by Royal Mail.
BANGING two pistachio nutshells together gives the impression that a very small horse is approaching.
BLIND PEOPLE: Give yourself at least a chance of seeing something by not wearing heavy dark glasses all the time.
GRATED cheddar cheese from the supermarket can be squashed tightly together with the fingers to produce a block of cheese, ready for slicing or grating.
ALCOHOL makes an ideal substitute for happiness.
DRIVERS: If a car breaks down or stalls in front of you, beep your horn and wave your arms frantically. This should help the car start and send them on their way.
PREVENT burglars stealing everything in the house while you're asleep by simply moving everything into your bedroom when you go to bed. In the morning, simply move it all back again.
CAR THIEVES: Don't be discouraged when nothing is on view. All the valuables are usually hidden in the glove box or under a seat.
DEPRESSED people: Instead of attempting suicide as a "cry for help", simply shout "Help!", thus saving money on paracetamol, etc.
MOTORISTS: Avoid getting prosecuted for using your phone whilst driving. Simply pop your mobile inside a large shell and the police will think you are listening to the ocean.
SHOES last twice as long if only worn every other day.
SINGLE men: Convince people that you have a girlfriend by standing outside Etam with several bags of shopping, looking at your watch and occasionally glancing inside.
BOIL an egg to perfection without costly egg timers by popping the egg into boiling water and driving away from your home at exactly 60mph. After 3 miles, phone your wife and tell her to take the egg out the pan.
ALCOHOLICS: Don't worry where the next drink is coming from. Go to the pub, where a large selection is available at retail prices.
McDONALD'S: Make your brown carrier bags green so they blend in with the countryside after they've been thrown out of car windows.
Thought they might brighten up a dreary Monday morning.
