Tweet
It can be difficult to cut back at Christmas, so we should be thankful for anything that makes it that little bit easier. As the holiday looms, let's take time to be grateful for our expanding commitment to health and safety.
Though derided in certain sections of the national press as a scourge that sucks the fun out of the British way of life, health and safety actually provides a useful framework for killing off traditions that have become irritating, expensive or too much like hard work. Instead of saying a curt "thanks, but no thanks" to the Girl Guides who have petitioned to sing carols in the town hall, you can pretend you really want them to come while claiming that your insurers are very concerned about access to the emergency exits.
How can you break it to the nerds from the local "militia" that no one wants them to fire their reproduction muskets in the town square this year? Tell them it breaks noise pollution laws. Need to cancel that Boxing Day fun run for financial reasons? Let those council risk assessors do your dirty work. Can't afford decorations for the shopping precinct? Simply ban ladders.
Our extensive health and safety regulations mean more of us than ever will be able to enjoy a cheap and cheerful, cotton-wool Christmas: no fancy-dress raft races, no candlelight services, no home-baked cakes, no live music, no swimming, no grotto, no farm animals. Just a glass of port, a mince pie and a festive episode of Never Mind the Buzzcocks. Thank you, the nanny state.
Recession-busting tip: You can make your own "port" by adding a measure of supermarket vodka to ordinary red wine. In fact, vodka can be used to liven up most soft drinks, and it's not bad on your cornflakes in the morning, either.
What's going cheap right now: Personal appearances by Robert Kilroy-Silk (many dates still available), reading glasses, belts, soap.
guardian.co.uk © Guardian News & Media Limited 2008 | Use of this content is subject to our Terms & Conditions | More Feeds
More...
