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International separation / divorce / children
Hi there
I'm new to the forum - I've read the guidance, but please excuse any lapses in LegalBeagles etiquette.
I am looking for some guidance please. Best place to start is probably with my circumstances.
I am a UK male, and have been married to my foreign national (non-EU) wife for 12 years. We have two primary-age children who are also British citizens. Our formal, legal marriage was in UK, although we did have a church ceremony in her country a few months later.
We met when I was working abroad, and have also spent some time in another country, but have for the last six years been habitually resident in the UK. My wife has indefinite leave to remain as a UK resident, and is eligible to apply for British citizenship. My job is in UK, and mine is the sole income. The kids are at school here, and we speak English at home.
We moved to a new area (in UK) last year to allow me to pursue a change of job. We moved away from the city to a more rural area, and as a consequence our social circles were broken. My wife has failed to adjust, and become frustrated and lonely, and feels trapped - which I can understand. It was a bad move for us as a family, and I committed to looking for another job to enable us to move again - of course these things don't happen immediately.
The wife and our two children has gone to my wife's home country for two months this summer, and I've just returned from visiting them for a 2-week break. Whilst there I discovered that my wife has been having an affair. The "other man" is from a different country (EU), and she had known him previously from a few years before. I found out that he had been to see her for 4-5 days whilst she was abroad with the kids, but before I arrived. He was masqueraded as a friend's father in front of my kids, but I do know they spent time alone with each other. I also know that he has sent her money before and since.
I told her that I knew about it. She was upset and angry, and threw a lot of blame at me for allowing to happen. The bad change of locations, her loneliness, my behaviour being more practical than romantic - it has been the worst year of her life. She told me she was not physically unfaithful, which I'm prepared to accept but honestly I don't know. She was quite clear that she does not know how she can come back to UK at the end of the summer and again be trapped.
I can forgive. I accept my role in her emotional state, and I can work on my behaviours to be more emotionally connected, and we can do some mediation / counselling. I still love her, and I dearly want to protect our family unit. I have spoken to my employer about immediately changing location.
She is clearly at a decision-making junction. She knows what I am doing to put things right, and is giving me very positive feedback when we talk and message (she is still abroad). But she is still in contact with the other man, he is still sending her money, and I am sure they are discussing what the future might look like between them.
I don't know, however I suspect that she intends to come to UK and be with me "for the sake of the children", and buy herself time to decide what she's doing. I can still hold out some hope that I can win back her affections.
But I am also nervous that she might file for divorce, and is currently lining that up. This could be the reason for the money transfers. And this is where I am looking for some guidance.
My specific questions are as follows:
- if she files via an overseas court, I believe I have the right to respond that the appropriate jurisdiction is in the UK, based on residency, where the marriage originated, and my nationality. Is this correct? I'm fearful of being summoned to divorce proceedings in another country, and the potential impact on any outcome.
- assuming we can proceed in UK, is there any significant disadvantage to being the respondent? I imagine she would file on irreconcilable differences, but I have evidence of her unfaithfulness. However I don't wish to initiate proceedings if we can actually get back together.
- if we divorce, my wife's ability to remain in UK is unclear, as her residency is on the basis of her intention to live with me in the UK. Her moving abroad, either to be with the "other man" or to return to her home country, in both cases would mean moving away from an English-speaking environment. This will have an impact on the children's education, especially the elder child who has special needs and an EHCP. How might a court view custody arrangements in such circumstances?
I would be grateful for any advice, either on the specific questions above or more generally, or even to point me to some existing resources. If a little more background is required to be able to advise, please let me know (forum or DM).
My overriding desire is to find a way to save my marriage, but I also want to be sure I'm taking necessary precautions as to what might be happening.
Many thanks in advance.
I'm new to the forum - I've read the guidance, but please excuse any lapses in LegalBeagles etiquette.
I am looking for some guidance please. Best place to start is probably with my circumstances.
I am a UK male, and have been married to my foreign national (non-EU) wife for 12 years. We have two primary-age children who are also British citizens. Our formal, legal marriage was in UK, although we did have a church ceremony in her country a few months later.
We met when I was working abroad, and have also spent some time in another country, but have for the last six years been habitually resident in the UK. My wife has indefinite leave to remain as a UK resident, and is eligible to apply for British citizenship. My job is in UK, and mine is the sole income. The kids are at school here, and we speak English at home.
We moved to a new area (in UK) last year to allow me to pursue a change of job. We moved away from the city to a more rural area, and as a consequence our social circles were broken. My wife has failed to adjust, and become frustrated and lonely, and feels trapped - which I can understand. It was a bad move for us as a family, and I committed to looking for another job to enable us to move again - of course these things don't happen immediately.
The wife and our two children has gone to my wife's home country for two months this summer, and I've just returned from visiting them for a 2-week break. Whilst there I discovered that my wife has been having an affair. The "other man" is from a different country (EU), and she had known him previously from a few years before. I found out that he had been to see her for 4-5 days whilst she was abroad with the kids, but before I arrived. He was masqueraded as a friend's father in front of my kids, but I do know they spent time alone with each other. I also know that he has sent her money before and since.
I told her that I knew about it. She was upset and angry, and threw a lot of blame at me for allowing to happen. The bad change of locations, her loneliness, my behaviour being more practical than romantic - it has been the worst year of her life. She told me she was not physically unfaithful, which I'm prepared to accept but honestly I don't know. She was quite clear that she does not know how she can come back to UK at the end of the summer and again be trapped.
I can forgive. I accept my role in her emotional state, and I can work on my behaviours to be more emotionally connected, and we can do some mediation / counselling. I still love her, and I dearly want to protect our family unit. I have spoken to my employer about immediately changing location.
She is clearly at a decision-making junction. She knows what I am doing to put things right, and is giving me very positive feedback when we talk and message (she is still abroad). But she is still in contact with the other man, he is still sending her money, and I am sure they are discussing what the future might look like between them.
I don't know, however I suspect that she intends to come to UK and be with me "for the sake of the children", and buy herself time to decide what she's doing. I can still hold out some hope that I can win back her affections.
But I am also nervous that she might file for divorce, and is currently lining that up. This could be the reason for the money transfers. And this is where I am looking for some guidance.
My specific questions are as follows:
- if she files via an overseas court, I believe I have the right to respond that the appropriate jurisdiction is in the UK, based on residency, where the marriage originated, and my nationality. Is this correct? I'm fearful of being summoned to divorce proceedings in another country, and the potential impact on any outcome.
- assuming we can proceed in UK, is there any significant disadvantage to being the respondent? I imagine she would file on irreconcilable differences, but I have evidence of her unfaithfulness. However I don't wish to initiate proceedings if we can actually get back together.
- if we divorce, my wife's ability to remain in UK is unclear, as her residency is on the basis of her intention to live with me in the UK. Her moving abroad, either to be with the "other man" or to return to her home country, in both cases would mean moving away from an English-speaking environment. This will have an impact on the children's education, especially the elder child who has special needs and an EHCP. How might a court view custody arrangements in such circumstances?
I would be grateful for any advice, either on the specific questions above or more generally, or even to point me to some existing resources. If a little more background is required to be able to advise, please let me know (forum or DM).
My overriding desire is to find a way to save my marriage, but I also want to be sure I'm taking necessary precautions as to what might be happening.
Many thanks in advance.
