Joke of the day

[stevokenevo]

Re: Joke of the day

Glesga mortuary

A man who just died is delivered to a Glasgow mortuary wearing an
expensive, expertly tailored black suit. Big Tam the mortician asks the
deceased's wife how she would like the body dressed. He points out that
the man does look very good in the black suit he is already wearing.

The widow, however, says that she always thought her husband looked his best in blue. She gives Tam a blank cheque and says, 'I don't care what it costs, but please have my husband in a blue suit for the viewing.'

The woman returns the next day. To her delight she finds her husband
dressed in a gorgeous blue suit with a subtle chalk stripe; the suit
fits him perfectly. She says to Tam, 'Whatever the cost, I'm very
satisfied. You did an excellent job and I'm very grateful. How much did
you spend?' To her astonishment, Tam presents her with the blank cheque. 'Nae charge', he says.

'No, really, I must pay you for the cost of that exquisite blue suit!'
she says. 'Honestly, hen', Tam says, 'it didnae cost nothin. You see, a
deid gentleman of about your husband's size was brought in shortly after
you left yesterday, and he was wearing an attractive blue suit. I asked
his missus if she minded him going to his grave wearing a black suit
instead, and she said it made nae difference as long as he looked nice.'



'So, I just switched their heids.'

[ByTheWay]

Re: Joke of the day

Gotta love the Irish!



Two Irishmen walk into a pet shop in Dingle. They head to the bird
section and Gerry says to Paddy, "Dat's dem."
The owner comes over and asks if he can help them.
"Yeah, we'll take four of dem dere little budgies in
dat cage up dere, " says Gerry.

The owner puts the budgies in a cardboard box.Paddy and Gerry pay for the birds, leave the shop and get into Gerry's truck to drive to the top of the Connor Pass.


At the Connor Pass, Gerry looks down at the 1000 foot drop and says, "Dis looks like a grand place."

He takes two birds out of the box, puts one on each shoulder and jumps off the cliff.

Paddy watches as the budgies fly off and Gerry falls all the way to the bottom, killing himself stone dead.


Looking down at the remains of his best pal, Paddy shakes his head and says,

"Fook dat. Dis budgie jumping is too fook'n dangerous for me!"



]WAIT, THERE'S MORE. .

Moments later, Seamus arrives up at Connor Pass. He's been to the pet shop too, and walks up to the edge of the cliff carrying another cardboard box in one hand and a shotgun in the other.
"Hi, Paddy. Watch dis," Seamus says.

He takes a parrot from the box and lets him fly free. He then throws himself over the edge of the cliff with the gun.
Paddy watches as half way down, Seamus takes the gun and shoots the parrot. Seamus continues to plummet down and down until he hits the bottom and breaks every bone in his body.

Paddy shakes his head and says, "And I'm never trying dat parrotshooting either! "



IT IS NOT OVER YET.


Paddy is just getting over the shock of losing two friends when Sean appears. He's also been to the pet shop and is carrying a cardboard box, out of which he pulls a chicken. Sean then takes the chicken by its legs and hurls himself off the cliff and disappears down and down until he hits a rock and breaks his spine. Once more Paddy shakes his head. "Fook dat, lads. First dere was Gerry with his budgiejumping, den Seamus parrotshooting. . .
and now Sean and his fook'n hengliding! "

[Amethyst]

Re: Joke of the day

"Fook dat. Dis budgie jumping is too fook'n dangerous for me!"

Too bloody right

[Paule]

Re: Joke of the day

lol

[setmefree]

Re: Joke of the day

What do call an Englishman holding a bottle of champagne after a Six Nations game? Waiter.



Rhys: Doctor, I can’t stop singing the Green, Green Grass of Home. Doctor: That sounds like Tom Jones syndrome.
Rhys: Is it common?
Doctor: It’s not unusual.



An English politician was giving a speech in Aberystwyth. He said: “I was born an Englishman. I have been an Englishman all my life, and I will die an Englishman!”
“What’s wrong, boyo?” shouted a voice from the crowd.“Got no ambition, have you?”



Tourist in Barmouth: Have you got anything in the shape of motor car tyres?

Storekeeper: Oh, yes. We've got lifebuoys, invalid cushions, funeral wreaths and doughnuts.

[stevokenevo]

Re: Joke of the day

Ah married life

3 women: one engaged, one a mistress, and one married, are chatting about their relationships and decide to amaze their men....that night all three will wear a leather bodice S & M style, stiletto's and a mask over their eyes .


After a few days they meet again.....


The engaged girlfriend: 'the other night, when my boyfriend came back home, he found me with the leather bodice, 12 cms stilettos and mask. He saw me he said: 'you are the woman of my life, I love you'...then we made love all night long


The mistress: Ah! me too, the other night I met my lover in the office and I was wearing the leather bodice, mega stilettos, mask over my eyes and a raincoat, when I opened the raincoat... he did not say anything.....but we had wild sex all night


The married one: 'the other night I sent the kids to stay at my mothers for the night, I got myself ready: leather bodice, super stilettos and mask over my eyes....my husband comes back from work, opens the door and says:…………….



…………………..



'Alright Batman,



what's for dinner...?'

[Guest]

Re: Joke of the day

I don't follow football, so have no idea who this guy is, aside from what I have read, but these quotes are priceless.

Gordon Strachan on Wayne Rooney: "Its an incredible rise to stardom, at 17 you’re more likely to get a call from Michael Jackson than Sven Goran Eriksson."

Reporter: "Gordon, Do you think James Beattie deserves to be in the England squad?"
Strachan: "I dont care, I’m Scottish"

Reporter: “Gordon, can we have a quick word please?”
Strachan: “Velocity” [walks off]

Reporter: "Welcome to Southampton Football Club. Do you think you are the right man to turn things around?"
Strachan: "No. I was asked if I thought I was the right man for the job and I said, “No, I think they should have got George Graham because I’m useless.”"

Reporter: "Is that your best start to a season? "
Strachan: "Well I’ve still got a job so it’s far better than the Coventry one, that’s for sure."

Reporter: "Are you getting where you want to be with this team? "
Strachan: "We’re not doing bad. What do you expect us to be like? We were eighth in the league last year, in the cup final and we got into Europe. I don’t know where you expect me to get to. Do you expect us to win the Champions League?"

Reporter: "Gordon, you must be delighted with that result? "
Strachan: "You’re spot on! You can read me like a book."

On Augustine Delgado - Strachan: "I’ve got more important things to think about. I’ve got a yogurt to finish by today, the expiry date is today. That can be my priority rather than Agustin Delgado."

Reporter: "This might sound like a daft question, but you’ll be happy to get your first win under your belt, won’t you? "
Strachan: "You’re right. It is a daft question. I’m not even going to bother answering that one. It is a daft question, you’re spot on there."

Reporter: "Bang, there goes your unbeaten run. Can you take it? "
Strachan: "No, I’m just going to crumble like a wreck. ‘ll go home, become an alcoholic and maybe! jump of a bridge. Umm, I think I can take it, yeah."

Reporter: "There’s no negative vibes or negative feelings here? "
Strachan: "Apart from yourself, we’re all quite positive round here. I’m going to whack you over the head with a big stick, down negative man, down."

Reporter: "Where will Marion Pahars fit into the team line-up? "
Strachan: "Not telling you! It’s a secret."

Reporter: "You don’t take losing lightly, do you Gordon? "
Strachan: "I don’t take stupid comments lightly either."

Reporter: "So, Gordon, in what areas do you think Middlesbrough were better than you today?"
Strachan: "What areas? Mainly that big green one out there…."

[stevokenevo]

Re: Joke of the day

I don't follow football, so have no idea who this guy is, aside from what I have read, but these quotes are priceless.

This guy is the manager of my team, the mighty Glasgow Celtic!!

Incidently, he is the first Celtic manager to win 3 league titles in a row since the late great Jock Stein.

:okay:

[Guest]

Re: Joke of the day

Absolutely priceless!

[ByTheWay]

Re: Joke of the day

Four friends, who hadn't seen each other in 30 years, reunited at a party

After several drinks, one of the men got up to use the rest room.

Those who remained talked about their kids.

The first guy said, 'My son is my pride and joy. He started working at a successful company at the bottom of the barrel. He studied Economics and Business Administration and soon began to climb the corporate ladder and now he's the president of the company. He became so rich that he gave his best friend a top of the line Mercedes for his birthday.'

The second guy said, 'Darn, that's terrific! My son is also my pride and joy. He started working for a big airline, then went to flight school to become a pilot. Eventually he became a partner in the company, where he owns the majority of its assets He's so rich that he gave his best friend a brand new jet for his birthday.'

The third man said: 'Well, that's terrific! My son studied in the best universities and became an engineer. Then he started his own construction company and is now a multimillionaire. He also gave away something very nice and expensive to his best friend for his birthday: A 30,000 square foot mansion.'

The three friends congratulated each other just as the fourth returned from the rest-room and asked: 'What are all the congratulations for?'

One of the three said: 'We were talking about the pride we feel for the successes of our sons. ...What about your son?'

The fourth man replied: 'My son is gay and makes a living dancing as a stripper at a nightclub.'

The three friends snickered said: 'What a shame...what a disappointment.'


The fourth man replied: 'No, I'm not ashamed. He's my son and I love him.
And he hasn't done too bad either. His birthday was two weeks ago, and he received a beautiful 30,000 square foot mansion, a brand new jet and a top of the line Mercedes from his three boyfriends.'