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Hi all,
I’m having some difficulty at work and would be grateful of any help. I am a 31 year old male, I work in retail and was suspended and given a letter inviting me to a disciplinary hearing. This stems from an incident that occurred this past Friday between myself and a female member of staff that is 20 years old, I had attempted to tell her that I’m done with her other than on a professional level but I would appreciate it if she would stay away from me in public areas such as a bar. The conversation got heated, ended and the next thing is I have a complaint against me.
Her complaint is that she has been harassed and bullied by myself in the workplace. I know this particular girl for the past 3 years and we were at one stage very close friends. She had come from a broken home and I would look out for her and make sure she enrolled in school classes, attempted to boost her confidence, little things like that to the point where she had titled me her ‘best friend’. She at one point confided in me that her at the time boyfriend my have been off with another girl. I gave her advice, told her what I thought and said I’d support any decision that she made. Part of her complaint now seems to be that I got involved in her personal life?
Our friendship became strained over the years, partly because of this ex-boyfriend, because I did develop feelings for her and she had told me that she really cared for me. I also began to think on the advice of my friends that this girl was using me for what she could get.
About a month before Christmas we had an argument as to one of her holidays. Later that night she was in a bar, I approached her to tell her that she could have the holiday but she refused to acknowledge who I was to the point whereby one of her friends kicked a chair at me. I left the table and hadn’t spoken to her since other than to give her instruction in the workplace. She had made a statement in work that she was uncomfortable with me and our shifts were changed. I had no problem with this and cut my losses. A few days ago in the same bar I was with my friend when she walked in. I turned away from her and enjoyed my night, at the end she approached my friend who was standing directly in front of me and threw her arms around him. Surely a female can not state that she is uncomfortable around you, that she is harassed and bullied, and then approach your company in a bar while you stand there a foot from her person? She said she appreciated the fact that I did not approach her but surely I am entitled to the same courtesy on a professional or personal level. In fact my letter states that she feels “scared in my presence at times”. I take the at times to be when it suits her to say so.
I made this statement today as part of the investigation to address my employer’s comments that I was too emotionally attached to her and that I cared too much, to partly apologise for any hurt feelings and to be allowed to actually make the change and distance her in my life.
You do become emotionally attached when a girl tells you:
When a girl texts you at 3pm to ask if you’re ok? When you respond yes are you? Her reply is that the previous night someone dropped some Rohypnol or some other such substance into her drink, waited for it to take effect and then took her down an alleyway. Apparently even being told by the staff that they’d had a problem with someone date-raping their female customers. The initial contact on this subject of asking was I ok, was a clear cry for help, swearing me to secrecy that I wouldn’t tell her family. And when something like that happens, You do care.
When a girl holds on to you for hours while you wipe an endless flow of rolling tears from her eyes. When on the same night as she leaves with her ‘friends’, who smirk in the doorway like a group of hawks circling the parapets, and she clutches on to you so tightly, buries her head in your chest, then looks you directly in the eyes, tears once again streaming down her cheeks and proclaims that “These are the people you’re supposed to protect me from”. The incontrovertible truth is that you do become emotionally attached and you do care. To not care would be emotionally callous and inhuman.
It’s hard not to feel aggrieved when after the time and emotion I invested in another person is degraded with the words, “I used to really care about you but our friendship was a mistake, I regret every second of it.” This collective grouping of these choice words in that consecutive order took anything that was left.
When you buy what someone else is selling and you become emotionally attached and you do care, you hand someone the keys to do that to you. Close friends told me she was playing games and she was using me. I admittedly refused to listen and in doing so became the willing accomplice to my own destruction. My intention on that day was signify change, but change is not instantaneous. Change needs to be quantified, calculated, and weighed against alternatives and in doing so I should hope I can change my own bad fortune, my own errors of omission and inattention, my own faults.
I did not berate her, if anything I complimented her work ethic and her abilities. I said I liked the girl, called her “fantastic” and described her as possessing an inexorable quality. In fact from the beginning of my friendship with her I noticed her potential. I attempted to take this girl that didn’t seem to realise her positive attributes and suggest she draw confidence from them, that she was more than just average.
I post this because as mentioned I did have feelings for her, and I agree that my above statement might have been emotional but that I was trying to illustrate that I cared because I was made to. Since December I was attempting to put my life back together, I had made the decision that I would not be her get out of jail free card anymore, I would not be her guide, that she was responsible for whatever happened to her on her watch. I have just started dating a great girl and now it seems as one final parting shot her grievance stands to cost me everything, my livelihood, my friendships, my new relationship, my home and my reputation.
I understand that this is a messy situation and I would be grateful for any advice or help that is offered. I had invested time, emotion and finances in her, much of which was graciously accepted and appreciated at the time. My letter today stated that I had given her unwanted gifts, but they didn’t seem to be unwanted at the time. It seems that this employee has pulled out everything she can to get me based on a friendship that turned sour over a period of time. I contended that I cared because I was made to care, that there were always two people in this equation, so two people were responsible. I should also state that we remained on a friendly and talkative basis right up until a month ago, yet the letter states "over several months".
Thanks to anyone who answers…
I’m having some difficulty at work and would be grateful of any help. I am a 31 year old male, I work in retail and was suspended and given a letter inviting me to a disciplinary hearing. This stems from an incident that occurred this past Friday between myself and a female member of staff that is 20 years old, I had attempted to tell her that I’m done with her other than on a professional level but I would appreciate it if she would stay away from me in public areas such as a bar. The conversation got heated, ended and the next thing is I have a complaint against me.
Her complaint is that she has been harassed and bullied by myself in the workplace. I know this particular girl for the past 3 years and we were at one stage very close friends. She had come from a broken home and I would look out for her and make sure she enrolled in school classes, attempted to boost her confidence, little things like that to the point where she had titled me her ‘best friend’. She at one point confided in me that her at the time boyfriend my have been off with another girl. I gave her advice, told her what I thought and said I’d support any decision that she made. Part of her complaint now seems to be that I got involved in her personal life?
Our friendship became strained over the years, partly because of this ex-boyfriend, because I did develop feelings for her and she had told me that she really cared for me. I also began to think on the advice of my friends that this girl was using me for what she could get.
About a month before Christmas we had an argument as to one of her holidays. Later that night she was in a bar, I approached her to tell her that she could have the holiday but she refused to acknowledge who I was to the point whereby one of her friends kicked a chair at me. I left the table and hadn’t spoken to her since other than to give her instruction in the workplace. She had made a statement in work that she was uncomfortable with me and our shifts were changed. I had no problem with this and cut my losses. A few days ago in the same bar I was with my friend when she walked in. I turned away from her and enjoyed my night, at the end she approached my friend who was standing directly in front of me and threw her arms around him. Surely a female can not state that she is uncomfortable around you, that she is harassed and bullied, and then approach your company in a bar while you stand there a foot from her person? She said she appreciated the fact that I did not approach her but surely I am entitled to the same courtesy on a professional or personal level. In fact my letter states that she feels “scared in my presence at times”. I take the at times to be when it suits her to say so.
I made this statement today as part of the investigation to address my employer’s comments that I was too emotionally attached to her and that I cared too much, to partly apologise for any hurt feelings and to be allowed to actually make the change and distance her in my life.
You do become emotionally attached when a girl tells you:
When a girl texts you at 3pm to ask if you’re ok? When you respond yes are you? Her reply is that the previous night someone dropped some Rohypnol or some other such substance into her drink, waited for it to take effect and then took her down an alleyway. Apparently even being told by the staff that they’d had a problem with someone date-raping their female customers. The initial contact on this subject of asking was I ok, was a clear cry for help, swearing me to secrecy that I wouldn’t tell her family. And when something like that happens, You do care.
When a girl holds on to you for hours while you wipe an endless flow of rolling tears from her eyes. When on the same night as she leaves with her ‘friends’, who smirk in the doorway like a group of hawks circling the parapets, and she clutches on to you so tightly, buries her head in your chest, then looks you directly in the eyes, tears once again streaming down her cheeks and proclaims that “These are the people you’re supposed to protect me from”. The incontrovertible truth is that you do become emotionally attached and you do care. To not care would be emotionally callous and inhuman.
It’s hard not to feel aggrieved when after the time and emotion I invested in another person is degraded with the words, “I used to really care about you but our friendship was a mistake, I regret every second of it.” This collective grouping of these choice words in that consecutive order took anything that was left.
When you buy what someone else is selling and you become emotionally attached and you do care, you hand someone the keys to do that to you. Close friends told me she was playing games and she was using me. I admittedly refused to listen and in doing so became the willing accomplice to my own destruction. My intention on that day was signify change, but change is not instantaneous. Change needs to be quantified, calculated, and weighed against alternatives and in doing so I should hope I can change my own bad fortune, my own errors of omission and inattention, my own faults.
I did not berate her, if anything I complimented her work ethic and her abilities. I said I liked the girl, called her “fantastic” and described her as possessing an inexorable quality. In fact from the beginning of my friendship with her I noticed her potential. I attempted to take this girl that didn’t seem to realise her positive attributes and suggest she draw confidence from them, that she was more than just average.
I post this because as mentioned I did have feelings for her, and I agree that my above statement might have been emotional but that I was trying to illustrate that I cared because I was made to. Since December I was attempting to put my life back together, I had made the decision that I would not be her get out of jail free card anymore, I would not be her guide, that she was responsible for whatever happened to her on her watch. I have just started dating a great girl and now it seems as one final parting shot her grievance stands to cost me everything, my livelihood, my friendships, my new relationship, my home and my reputation.
I understand that this is a messy situation and I would be grateful for any advice or help that is offered. I had invested time, emotion and finances in her, much of which was graciously accepted and appreciated at the time. My letter today stated that I had given her unwanted gifts, but they didn’t seem to be unwanted at the time. It seems that this employee has pulled out everything she can to get me based on a friendship that turned sour over a period of time. I contended that I cared because I was made to care, that there were always two people in this equation, so two people were responsible. I should also state that we remained on a friendly and talkative basis right up until a month ago, yet the letter states "over several months".
Thanks to anyone who answers…
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