Joke of the day

[Paule]

Re: Joke of the day

What do you call a scottish cloakroom attendant

Angus MacOatup

[ByTheWay]

Re: Joke of the day

This is very REAL and very IMPORTANT, so I am passing it on to everyone I know. Please pass it on to the people you care about, relatives, friends classmates or former classmates. It is important they be aware of this danger.




Never
Never
Never
Never
Ever...


























..fart in a wet suit!

[stevokenevo]

Re: Joke of the day

Paddy's pregnant sister was in a terrible car accident and went into a deep coma. After being in the coma for nearly six months, she wakes up and sees that she is no longer pregnant. Frantically, she asks the doctor about her baby.

The doctor replies, 'Ma'am, you had twins; a boy and a girl! The babies are fine now, but they were poorly at birth and had to be christened immediately. Your brother came in and named them.'

The woman thinks to herself, 'Oh suffering Jesus no, not mi' brother! He's a bloody clueless ignoramus!' Expecting the worst, she asks the doctor, 'Well, what's my daughter's name?'

'Denise,' says the doctor. The new mother is totally relieved.

'Wow, that's a beautiful name. I guess I was wrong about my brother. I like Denise.' Then she asks, 'What's the boy's name?'

'Denephew'.

[stevokenevo]

Re: Joke of the day

Young Glasgow lad moved to London and went to Harrods looking for a job.


'Do you have any sales experience?' asked the manager. 'Oh Aye; uff
dunnabitta sales stuff back up eh road anat, ah'eh barras anat, know?',
nodded the young weegie.


The manager liked the lad, so he gave him the job.


The young Scot's first day was challenging and busy, but he got through it.


After the store was locked up, the manager came down to see how he was
settling in. 'So... how many sales did you make today'? He smiled at the
boy.


The weegie said: 'Jist the wan'.


The manager was immediately disappointed. 'Wh-a-a-t? Just one? Harrods's
sales people average 20 or 30 sales a day! Dear me! Oh well, how much was
the sale for, anyway'?


'£101,237.64' said the lad.


The Harrods manager choked. 'Blimey... One hundred and one thousand, two
hundred and thirty-seven pounds and sixty four pence! What in hell did you
sell him?'


'Well, first ah selt him a wee fish hook, then a medium fish hook, and then
ah selt him a new fishing rod. Then ah asked him where he was gawin'
fishing, and he said down at the coast, so I telt him he would need a boat.


We went down to the boat department and I selt him that twin-engined Power
Cat... then he said he didn't think his wee Honda Civic could pull it, so I
took him down to car sales and I selt him a dinky 4x4 Suzuki...'.


The manager was now incredulous. 'Wait a minute; you mean to tell me.... a
guy came in here to buy a small fish hook but you sold him a boat AND a
four-by-four?'


'Naw naw, big man... he came in tay buy a box of tampons furries missus and
Ah said.........'Well pal, seein' as how yer weekend's f**ked, ye might as
well go fishing...''.

[MrLuvaLuva]

Re: Joke of the day

Thats the best joke ive ever heard!!

[ByTheWay]

Re: Joke of the day

WICOE
(Women In Charge Of Everything)
is proud to announce the opening of its
EVENING CLASSES FOR MEN!
ALL ARE WELCOME
OPEN TO MEN ONLY
Note: due to the complexity and level of difficulty, each course will accept a maximum of eight participants
The course covers two days, and topics covered in this course include:
DAY ONE

HOW TO FILL ICE CUBE TRAYS
Step by step guide with slide presentation

TOILET ROLLS- DO THEY GROW ON THE HOLDERS?
Roundtable discussion

DIFFERENCES BETWEEN LAUNDRY BASKET & FLOOR
Practicing with hamper ( pictures and graphics)

DISHES & CUTLERY; DO THEY LEVITATE/FLY TO KITCHEN SINK OR DISHWASHER BY THEMSELVES?
Debate amongst a panel of experts

REMOTE CONTROL
Losing the remote control - Helpline and support groups

LEARNING HOW TO FIND THINGS
Starting with looking in the right place instead of turning the house upside down whilstshouting - Open forum


DAY TWO

EMPTY MILK CARTONS; DO THEY BELONG IN THE FRIDGE OR THE BIN?
Group discussion and role play

HEALTH WATCH; BRINGING HER FLOWERS IS NOT HARMFUL TO YOUR HEALTH
PowerPoint presentation

REAL MEN ASK FOR DIRECTIONS WHEN LOST
Real life testimonial from the one man who did

IS IT GENETICALLY IMPOSSIBLE TO SIT QUIETLY AS SHE PARALLEL PARKS?
Driving simulation

LIVING WITH ADULTS; BASIC DIFFERENCES BETWEEN YOUR MOTHER AND YOUR PARTNER
Online class and role playing

HOW TO BE THE IDEAL SHOPPING COMPANION
Relaxation exercises, meditation and breathing techniques

REMEMBERING IMPORTANT DATES & CALLING WHEN YOU'RE GOING TO BE LATE
Bring your calendar or PDA to class

GETTING OVER IT; LEARNING HOW TO LIVE WITH BEING WRONG ALL THE TIME
Individual counselors available

[scottishlass]

Re: Joke of the day

PMSLmsl:

[scoobydoo]

Re: Joke of the day

Brilliant!!!

[ByTheWay]

Re: Joke of the day

The Vibrator

AS A WOMAN PASSED HER DAUGHTER'S CLOSED BEDROOM DOOR, SHE HEARD A STRANGE BUZZING NOISE COMING FROM WITHIN.
OPENING THE DOOR, SHE OBSERVED HER DAUGHTER GIVING HERSELF A REAL WORK-OUT WITH A VIBRATOR.
SHOCKED, SHE? ASKED: 'WHAT IN THE WORLD ARE YOU DOING?'

THE DAUGHTER REPLIED: 'MOM, I'M THIRTY-FIVE YEARS OLD, UNMARRIED, AND THIS THING IS ABOUT AS CLOSE AS I'LL EVER GET TO A HUSBAND.
PLEASE, GO AWAY AND LEAVE ME ALONE.'

THE NEXT DAY, THE GIRL'S FATHER HEARD THE SAME BUZZ COMING FROM THE OTHER SIDE OF THE CLOSED BEDROOM DOOR.
UPON ENTERING THE ROOM, HE OBSERVED HIS DAUGHTER MAKING PASSIONATE LOVE TO HER VIBRATOR.
TO HIS QUERY AS TO WHAT SHE WAS DOING,

THE DAUGHTER SAID: 'DAD I'M THIRTY-FIVE, UNMARRIED, AND THIS THING IS ABOUT AS CLOSE AS I'LL EVER GET TO A HUSBAND PLEASE,
GO AWAY AND LEAVE ME ALONE.'

A COUPLE DAYS LATER, THE WIFE CAME HOME FROM A SHOPPING TRIP, PLACED THE GROCERIES ON THE KITCHEN COUNTER,
AND HEARD THAT BUZZING NOISE COMING FROM, OF ALL PLACES, THE LIVING ROOM.

SHE ENTERED THAT AREA AND OBSERVED HER HUSBAND SITTING ON THE COUCH, DOWNING A COLD BEER, AND STARING AT THE TV.

THE VIBRATOR WAS NEXT TO HIM ON THE COUCH, BUZZING LIKE CRAZY.

THE WIFE ASKED: 'WHAT THE HELL ARE YOU DOING?'

THE HUSBAND REPLIED:



(wait for it!)














'I'M WATCHING FOOTBALL WITH MY SON-IN-LAW.....

[scottishlass]

Re: Joke of the day

:rofl:

[Mochamoos]

Re: Joke of the day

1. Never, under any circumstances, take a sleeping pill and a laxative on the same night.

2. If you had to identify, in one word, the reason why the human race has not achieved, and never will achieve, its full potential, that word would be "meetings."

3. There is a very fine line between "hobby" and "mental illness."

4. People who want to share their religious views with you almost never want you to share yours with them.

5. You should not confuse your career with your life.

6. Nobody cares if you can't dance well. Just get up and dance.
(This one is very important)

7. Never lick a steak knife.

8. The most destructive force in the universe is gossip.

9. You will never find anybody who can give you a clear and compelling reason why we observe daylight savings time.

10. You should never say anything to a woman that even remotely suggests that you think she's pregnant unless you can see an actual baby emerging from her at that moment.

11. There comes a time when you should stop expecting other people to make a big deal about your birthday. That time is age 11.

12. The one thing that unites all human beings, regardless of age, gender, religion, economic status or ethnic background, is that, deep down inside, we ALL believe that we are above average drivers.

13. A person, who is nice to you, but rude to a waiter, is not a nice person. (This is very important. Pay attention. It NEVER fails.)

14. Your friends love you anyway.

15. Never be afraid to try something new. Remember that a lone amateur built the Ark. A large group of professionals built the Titanic.

16. Thought for the day: Men are like fine wine . They start out as grapes; and it's up to the women to stomp the crap out of them until they turn into something acceptable to have dinner with.

[Mochamoos]

Re: Joke of the day

President Mbeki meets with the Queen of England. He asks her,
"Your Majesty, how do you run such an efficient government? Are
there any tips you can give to me?"
"Well," says the Queen, "the most important thing is to surround
yourself with intelligent people."
Mbeki frowns. "But how do I know the people around me are really
intelligent?"
The Queen takes a sip of tea. "Oh, that's easy. You just ask them
to answer an intelligence riddle."
The Queen pushes a button on her intercom. "Please send Tony Blair
in here, would you?"
Tony Blair walks into the room. "Yes, my Queen?"
The Queen smiles. "Answer me this, please, Tony. Your mother and
Father have a child. It is not your brother and it is not your
sister.
Who is it?"
Without pausing for a moment, Tony Blair answers, "That would be
me."
"Yes! Very good," says the Queen.
Back in Cape town , President Mbeki asks to speak with vice
president Zuma.
"Answer this for me. Your mother and your Father have a child.
It's not your brother and it's not your sister. Who is it?"
"I'm not sure," says Zuma. "Let me get back to you on that one."
Zuma goes to his advisors and asks everyone, but none can give him
an answer. Finally, he ends up at the V&A Waterfront and bumps into
Mark Lottering.
Zuma looks around to see if anyone can overhear them, and he
whispers, Mark! Can you answer this for me? Your mother and father have a
child and it's not your brother or your sister. Who is it?"
Mark whispers back, "That's easy. It's me!"
Zuma smiles and says "Thanks!"
Zuma goes back to Parliament to speak with Pres Mbeki. "Say, I did
some research and I have the answer to that riddle. It's Mark
Lottering."
Mbeki gets up, stomps over to Zuma, and angrily yells into his
face, "No, you idiot! It's Tony Blair!

[calamity jane]

Re: Joke of the day

A man and his wife are awakened at 3 o'clock in the morning by
a loud pounding on the door in Glasgow. The man gets up and goes to the
door where a drunken stranger, standing in the pouring rain,
is asking for a push. "Not a chance," says the husband, "it is
3 o'clock in the morning! He slams the door and returns to bed
"Who was that?" asked his wife.
"Just some drunken guy asking for a push," he answers.
"Did you help him?" she asks.
"No, I did not, it's 3 o'clock in the morning and it is
pouring out there!" "Well, you have a short memory," says his wife.
"Can't you remember about three months ago when we broke
down, and those Maryhill guys helped us? I think you should help
him, and you should be ashamed of yourself!" The man does as
he is told, gets dressed, and goes out into the pounding rain.
He calls out into the dark, "Hello, are you still there?"
"Yes" comes back the answer.
"Do you still need a push?” calls out the husband.
"Yes, please!" comes the reply from the dark.
"Where are you?" asks the husband.
"Over here on the swing!" replies the drunk?


A Swede, an Irishman and a Scotsman take their wives golfing....
The Swede's wife steps up to the tee and, as she bends over to place her ball, a gust of wind blows her skirt up and reveals her lack of underwear.
"Good God, woman! Why aren't you wearing any skivees?" Oleg demanded.
Well, you don't give me enough housekeeping money to afford any."
The Swede immediately reaches into his pocket and says, "For the sake of decency, here's a 50. Go and buy yourself some underwear."
Next, the Irishman's wife bends over to set her ball on the tee. Her skirt also blows up to show that she, too, is wearing no undies.
"Blessed Virgin Mary, woman! You've no knickers. Why not?"
She replies, "I can't afford any on the money you give me."
Patrick reaches into his pocket and says, "For the sake of decency, here's a 20. Go and buy yourself some underwear!"
Lastly, the Scotsman's wife bends over. The wind also takes her skirt over her head to reveal that she, too, is naked under it.
"Sweet mudder of Jaysus, Aggie! Where the frig are yer drawers?"
She too explains, "You dinna give me enough money tae be able tae affarrd any."
Murdo reaches into his pocket and says, "Well, fer the love 'o decency, here's a comb..... Tidy yerself up a bit."

A couple made a deal that whoever died first would come back and inform the other of the afterlife. Their biggest fear was that there was no afterlife.
After a long life, the husband was the first to go, and true to his word he made contact, "Mary. Mary."
"Is that you, Fred?"
"Yes, I've come back like we agreed."
"What's it like?"
"Well, I get up in the morning, I have sex, I have breakfast, off to the golf course, I have sex, I bathe in the sun, and then I have sex twice. I have lunch, another romp around the golf course, then sex pretty much all afternoon. After supper, golf course again. Then have sex until late at night. The next day it starts again."
"Oh, Fred you surely must be in heaven."
"Not exactly, I'm a rabbit in Suffolk."

[ByTheWay]

Re: Joke of the day

Duties of Wives!

Three men were sitting together bragging about how they had
Given their new wives duties.

Terry had married a woman from America, and bragged that he
had told his wife she needed to do all the dishes and housework.
He said that it took a couple days but on the third day he came
home to a clean house and the dishes were all washed and put away.

Jimmie had married a woman from Canada. He bragged that he had
given his wife orders that she was to do all the cleaning, dishes, and
the cooking. He told them that the first day he didn't see any results, but
The next day it was better. By the third day, his house was clean, the
dishes were done, and he had a huge dinner on the table.

The third man had married a Welsh girl. He boasted that he
told her that her duties were to keep the house cleaned, dishes washed,
laundry and ironing twice a week, lawns mowed, windows cleaned and hot
meals on the table for every meal. He said the first day he didn't see
anything, the second day he didn't see anything, but by the third day most
of the swelling had gone down and he could see a little out of his
left eye, just enough to fix himself a bite to eat, load the dishwasher, and
call a handyman.
God Bless Welsh Women

[calamity jane]

Re: Joke of the day

Men Are Like...

...place mats
they only show up when there's food on the table.

...mascara
they usually run at the first sign of emotion.

...bike helmets
they're good in emergencies but usually just look silly.

...government bonds
they take so long to mature.

...copiers
you need them in reproduction but that's about it.

...lava lamps
fun to look at it but not all that bright.

...bank accounts
without a lot of money they don't generate a lot of interest.

...high heels
they're easy to walk on once you get the hang of it.

...curling irons
they're always hot and always in your hair.

...mini skirts
if your not careful they'll creep up your legs.

...handguns
keep one around long enough and your gonna want to shoot it.