Joke of the day

[Sapphire]

Re: Joke of the day

Chinese DoctorWhile in China, a man is very sexually promiscuous and does not use a condom all the time. A week after arriving back home in the States, he wakes one morning to find his penis covered with bright green and purple spots.

Horrified, he immediately goes to see a doctor. The doctor, never having seen anything like this before, orders some tests and tells the man to return in two days for the results.The man returns a couple of days later and the doctor says: 'I've got bad news for you --- you've contracted Mongolian VD. It's very rare and almost unheard of here. We know very little about it.'The man looks a little perplexed and says: 'Well, give me a shot or something and fix me up, Doc.'The doctor answers: 'I'm sorry, there's no known cure. We're going to have to amputate your penis.'The man screams in horror, 'Absolutely not ! I want a second opinion.'The doctor replies: 'Well, it's your choice. Go ahead if you want but surgery is your only choice.'

The next day, the man seeks out a Chinese doctor, figuring that he'll know more about the disease. The Chinese doctor examines his penis and proclaims: 'Ah, yes, Mongolian VD. Vely rare disease.'

The guy says to the doctor: 'Yeah, yeah, I already know that, but what can we do? My American doctor wants to operate and amputate my penis!'

The Chinese doctor shakes his head and laughs: 'Stupid Amelican docta, always want to opelate. Make more money that way. No need to opelate!''Oh, Thank God!' the man replies.'Yes,' says the Chinese doctor, 'You no worry ! Wait two weeks. Faw off by itself!

[Mochamoos]

Re: Joke of the day

An elderly married couple scheduled their annual medical examination the same day so they could travel together.

After the examination, the doctor then said to the elderly man, "You appear to be in good health. Do you have any medical concerns you would like to ask me?"

"In fact I do," said the elderly man. "After I have sex with my wife the first time, I am usually hot and sweaty, and then, after I have sex with her the second time, I am usually cold and chilly."

The doctor said he would make a note of that and see what some lab tests revealed.

After examining the elderly lady, the doctor said, "Everything appears to be fine. Do you have any medical concerns that you would like to discuss with me?"

The lady replied that she had no questions or concerns.

The doctor then asked, "Your husband had an unusual concern. He claims that he is usually hot and sweaty after having sex the first time with you and then cold and chilly after the second time. Do you know why that could be?"

"Oh that crazy old fart!" she replied. "That is because the first time is usually around July and the second time is usually in December!"

[Mochamoos]

Re: Joke of the day

This elderly lady went to the doctor for a check-up. Everything checked out fine. The old lady pulled the doctor to the side and said, "Doctor, I haven't had sex for years now and I was wondering how I can increase my husband's sex drive."
The doctor smiled and said, "Have you tried to give him Viagra?"
The lady frowned. "Doctor, I can't even get him to take aspirin when he has a headache," she claimed.
"Well," the doctor continued, "Let me suggest something. Crush the Viagra into a powder. When you are giving him coffee, stir it into the coffee and serve it. He won't notice a thing."
The old lady was delighted. She left the doctor's office quickly.
Weeks later the old lady returned. She was frowning and the doctor asked her what was wrong. She shook her head.
"How did it go?" the doctor asked.
"Terrible, doctor, terrible."
"Did it not work?"
"Yes," the old lady said, "It worked. I did as you said and he got up and ripped his clothes off right then and there and we made mad love on the table. It was the best sex that I'd had in 25 years."
"Then what is the problem, ma'am?"
"Well," she said. "I can't ever show my face in McDonald's again."

[Paule]

Re: Joke of the day

Sean Connery was interviewed by Michael Parkinson, and bragged that despite being 72 years of age, he could still have sex 3 times a night.

Cilla Black,who was also a guest, looked intrigued. After the show, Cilla says, "Sean, if I'm not bein too forward, I'd luv to 'ave sex with yer. Lets go back to my ouse, we could 'ave a lorra fun.

So they went back to her place. After a couple of drinks they went off to bed and had an hour of mad passionate sex together.

Afterwards, Sean says,"If you think that was good, let me shleep for half an hour, and we can have better shex. But while I'm shleeping, hold my balls in your left hand and ma willie in your right hand".

Cilla looks a bit perplexed, but says "Okay".

He sleeps for half an hour, awakens, and they have even better sex than before.

Then Sean says, "Cilla, that was wonderful. But if you let me shleep for an hour, we can have the besht shex yet. You'll have to......." "I know Sean. Yer want me to 'old onto yer bat 'n balls again. No problem hun".

Cilla complies with the routine. The results this time are absolutely mind blowing. Once it's all over, they have a drink, Sean lights a cigarette and Cilla asks "Sean, tell me, dis 'oldin yer balls in one hand and yer willie in de other - does it really stimulate yer that much?"

Sean replies, "No not at all Cilla, but the last time I shlept with a scouser, she stole ma wallet !"

[scottishlass]

Re: Joke of the day

Dave came home from the pub late one Friday evening stinking drunk,
> >>as
> >>he often did, and crept into bed beside his wife who was already
> >>asleep.
> >>He gave her a peck on the cheek and fell asleep.
> >>
> >>When he awoke he found a strange man standing at the end of his bed
> >>wearing a long flowing white Robe.
> >>
> >>"Who the hell are you?" demanded Dave, "and what are you doing
> >>in my bedroom?"
> >>
> >>The mysterious man answered "This isn't your bedroom and I'm St
> >>Peter."
> >>
> >>Dave was stunned "You mean I'm dead!?!! That can't be, I have so
> >>much
> >>to live for, I haven't said goodbye to my family, I haven?t
> >>finished my
> >>billing out. . . you've got to send
> >>me back straight away."
> >>
> >>St Peter replied "Yes, you can be reincarnated but there is a
> >>catch.
> >>
> >>We can only send you back as a dog or a hen."
> >>
> >>Dave was devastated, but knowing there was a farm not far from his
> >>house, he asked to be sent back as a hen.
> >>A flash of light later he was covered in feathers and clucking
> >>around
> >>pecking the ground.
> >>
> >>'This ain't so bad" he thought until he felt this strange feeling
> >>welling up inside him.
> >>
> >>The farmyard rooster strolled over and said "So you're the new hen,
> >>how
> >>are you enjoying your first day here?"
> >>
> >>"It's not so bad" replies Dave, "but I have this strange feeling
> >>inside
> >>like I'm about to explode."
> >>
> >>"You're ovulating" explained the rooster, "don't tell me you've
> >>never
> >>laid an egg before?"
> >>
> >>"Never!" replies Dave.
> >>
> >>"Well just relax and let it happen"
> >>
> >>So he did and after a few uncomfortable seconds later, an egg pops
> >>out
> >>from under his tail. An immense feeling of relief swept over him
> >>and his
> >>emotions got the better of him as he experienced motherhood for the
> >>first time.
> >>When he laid his second egg, the feeling of happiness was
> >>overwhelming and he knew that being reincarnated as a hen was
> >>the best thing that ever happened to him . . . Ever!!!
> >>
> >>The joy kept coming and as he was just about to lay his third egg
> >>he
> >>felt an enormous smack on the back of his head and heard his wife
> >>shouting...
> >>
> >>"Dave, wake up you drunken bast4rd, you've sh!t the bed

[PJ69]

Re: Joke of the day

The day finally

arrived.

�

Forrest Gump dies and goes to Heaven.

�

He is at

the Pearly Gates, met by St. Peter himself. �However, the gates are closed,

and Forrest approaches the gatekeeper.

St. Peter said, "Well, Forrest, it is certainly good to see you.

�

We have heard a lot about you � I must

tell you, though, that the place is filling up fast, and we have been administering an entrance examination for everyone.

�The test is short, but you have to pass it before you can get into Heaven."

Forrest responds, "It sure is good to be here, St. Peter, sir.

�

But nobody ever told me about any entrance exam.

�I sure hope that the test ain't too hard.


Life was a big enough test

as it was."



St. Peter continued, "Yes, I know, Forrest, but the test is only three questions.

�

First:

What two days of the week begin with the letter T?

�

Second:


How many seconds are there in a year?

�

Third:

What is God's first name?"



Forrest leaves to think the questions over.

�He returns the next day and sees St. Peter, who waves him up, and says, "Now that you have had a chance to think the questions over, tell me your answers"

Forrest replied, "Well, the first one -- which two days in the week begins with the letter "T"? �Shucks, that one is easy

.

�

That would be Today and Tomorrow."

!

The Saint's eyes opened wide and he exclaimed, "Forrest, that is not what I was thinking, but you do have a point, and I guess I did not specify, so I will give you credit for that answer.

�

How about the next one?" asked St. Peter.

"How many seconds in a year? Now that one is harder," replied Forrest, but I thunk and thunk about that, and I guess the only answer can be twelve."



Astounded, St. Peter said, "Twelve? Twelve? �Forrest, how in Heaven's name could you come up with twelve seconds in a year?"



Forrest replied, "Shucks, there's got to be twelve:

January 2nd, February 2nd, March 2nd... "



"Hold it," interrupts St. Peter.

�

"I see where you are going with this, and I see your point, though that was not quite what I had in mind....but I will have to give you credit for that one, too.

�Let us go on with the third and final question. Can you tell me God's first name"?

"Sure," Forrest replied, "it's Andy."



"Andy?" exclaimed an exasperated and frustrated St Peter.



"Ok, I can understand how you came up with your answers to my first two questions, but just how in the world did you come up with the name Andy as the first name of God?"

"Shucks, that was the easiest one of all," Forrest replied.

�"I learnt it from the song, "ANDY WALKS WITH ME, ANDY TALKS WITH ME, ANDY TELLS ME I AM HIS OWN."

St.

Peter opened the Pearly Gates, and said: "Run Forrest, run."

[calamity jane]

Re: Joke of the day

THE TYPICAL MALE DECISION PROCESS

THE TYPICAL MALE DECISION PROCESS
A man is dating three women and wants to decide which to marry. He decides to give them a test. He gives each woman a present of £5000 and watches to see what they do with the money.

The first does a total makeover. She goes to a fancy beauty salon, gets her hair done, new make up and buys several new outfits and dresses up very nicely for the man. She tells him that she has Done this to be more attractive for him because she loves him so much.

The man was very impressed.

The second goes shopping to buy the man gifts. She gets him a new set of golf clubs, some new gizmos for his computer, and some expensive clothes.

As she presents these gifts, she tells him that she has spent all the money on him because she loves him so much. Again, the man is impressed.

The third invests the money in the stock market. She earns several times the £5000. She gives him back his £5000 and reinvests the remainder in a joint account. She tells him that she wants to save for their future because she loves him so much. Obviously, the man Was impressed.

The man thought for a long time about what each woman had done with the money, and then he. . . . . . .

















. . . . married the one with the biggest tits.

[stevokenevo]

Re: Joke of the day

Hope you all had a nice bank holiday break ;-)

A man is driving along the motorway with his wife in the passenger seat. During the drive, the wife gets an idea. She starts taking off her clothing piece by piece and tossing them out the window.
The guy is shocked but aroused. She gets her shoes, socks, etc. and chucks them out. Finally, she whips her underwear off and throws it all out onto the motorway. The guy is laughing and leering at her. He looses control of the car in the process and crashes into a barrier at the side.
Unfortunately, the air-bag doesn't go off on his side, and he finds himself wedged in under the steering wheel. "Help, go get help......aggghhhh, I'm stuck", he shouts.
"But I have no clothes on. What'll I do ?", she screams.
"Here", he says wiggling his foot, "Take my shoe and put it over your crotch. It'll have to do, love. Quick, hurry!"
She takes the shoe off his foot and places it over her crotch and gets out of the car, limping and shouting for help. After a few hundred yards of yelling and running a trucker notices this naked hysterical woman holding a shoe over her crotch, and pulls over.
"What's seems to be the trouble?", he asks.
"Help me", she screams, "My husband is stuck".
"If he's stuck up that far I'm afraid I can't help you."

[Mochamoos]

Re: Joke of the day

pmsl

[Mochamoos]

Re: Joke of the day

The poor guy walks up to the rich guy's house. He's down on his luck and needs some money. He rings the doorbell. "Hi there, I'm down on my luck, need some money, and I was wondering if you have any work I could do for you?" The rich Guy decides to give him a break, and says: "Sure, my porch needs painting. I'll pay you 50 dollars to do it for me." "Sure thing, Mister, I'll get started right away!" Time passes, until... "Hey Mister, I'm all done painting!" "Well, here's your 50 dollars" "Thanks, and by the way, it's a Ferrari, not a Porsche."

[scottishlass]

Re: Joke of the day

I urgently needed a few days off work, but I knew the Boss would not allow me to take leave..

I thought that maybe if I acted 'CRAZY' then he would tell me to take a few days off.

So I hung upside down on the ceiling and made funny noises.

My co-worker (Sipho) asked me what I was doing. I told him that I was pretending

to be a light bulb so that the Boss would think I was 'CRAZY' and give me a few days off.

A few minutes later the Boss came into the office and asked
'What are you doing?' I told him I was a light bulb.

He said, 'You are clearly stressed out. Go home and recuperate for a

couple of days.' I jumped down and walked out of the office...

When my co-worker (Sipho) followed me, the Boss asked him
'...And where do you think you're going?'

(You're gonna love this.....)

.


.

.


He said, 'I'm going home too, I can't work in the dark.'

[Tools]

Re: Joke of the day

not exactly a joke but here goes........

[ByTheWay]

Re: Joke of the day

A couple, both into their 80s, goes to a sex therapist's office. The doctor asks, 'What can I do for you?
The man says, 'Will you watch us have sexual intercourse, and give us your opinion?'

The doctor raises both eyebrows, but he is so amazed that such an Elderly couple is asking for sexual advice that he agrees.

When the couple finish, the doctor says, 'There's absolutely nothing wrong with the way you have intercourse.' He thanks them for coming, wishes them good luck, charges them £50, and says goodbye.

The next week, however, the couple return and ask the sex therapist to watch again. The sex therapist is a bit puzzled, but agrees. This happens several weeks in a row. The couple make an appointment, have intercourse with no problems and pay the doctor, then leave.

Finally, after 5 or 6 weeks of this routine, the doctor says, 'I'm sorry, but I have to ask. Just what are you trying to find out?'

The old man says, 'We're not trying to find out anything. She's married and we can't go to her house. I'm married and we can't go to my house.. Travelodge charge £93. The Hilton charges £139. We do it here for £50, and I get £45 back from BUPA.'

[calamity jane]

Re: Joke of the day

On July 20, 1969, as commander of the Apollo 11 Lunar Module, Neil Armstrong was the first person to set foot on the moon. His first words after stepping on the moon, 'That's one small step for a man, one giant leap for mankind,' were televised to Earth and heard by millions. But just before he re-entered the lander, he made the enigmatic remark: 'Good luck, Mr. Gorsky.'

Many people at NASA thought it was a casual remark concerning some rival Soviet Cosmonaut. However, upon checking, there was no Gorsky in either the Russian or American space programs. Over the years many people questioned Armstrong as to what the 'Good luck Mr. Gorsky' statement meant, but Armstrong always just smiled.

On 5 July, 1995, in Tampa Bay, Florida, while answering questions following a speech, a reporter brought up the 26-year-old question to Armstrong. This time he finally responded. Mr. Gorsky had died and so Neil Armstrong felt he could answer the question. In 1938 when he was a kid in a small Midwest town, he was playing baseball with a friend in the backyard. His friend hit a fly ball, which landed in his neighbour's yard by the bedroom windows.
His neighbours were Mr. and Mrs. Gorsky. As he leaned down to pick up the ball, young Armstrong heard Mrs.Gorsky shouting at Mr. Gorsky. 'Sex! You want sex?! You'll get sex when the kid next door walks on the moon!'

[ByTheWay]

Re: Joke of the day

sorry, this joke just does not want to show up for somee reason grrrrr!!



SMART ARSED ANSWER
It was mealtime during a flight on a British Airways plane: 'Would you like
dinner?' the flight attendant asked the man seated in the front row.
'What are my choices?' the man asked.
'Yes or no,' she replied.

SMART ARSED ANSWER 2
A lady was picking through the frozen turkeys at a branch of Sainsbury's store but she couldn't find one big enough for her family.
She asked a passing assistant, 'Do these turkeys get any bigger?'
The assistant replied, 'I'm afraid not, they're dead.'

SMART ARSED ANSWER 3
The policeman got out of his car and the boy racer he stopped for speeding, rolled down his window.
'I've been waiting for you all day,' the bobby said.
The kid replied, 'Yes, well I got here as fast as I could.'
When the policeman finally stopped laughing, he sent the kid on his way without a ticket.

SMART ARSED ANSWER 4
A lorry driver was driving along on a country road. A sign came up that read ' Low Bridge Ahead.' Before he realised it, the bridge was directlyahead and he got stuck under it..
Cars are backed up for miles. Finally, a police car comes up.
The policeman got out of his car and walked to the lorry's cab and said to the driver,
'Got stuck, eh?'
The lorry driver said, 'No, I was delivering this bridge and ran out of petrol!'

SMART ARSED ANSWER OF THE YEAR 2006
A teacher at a polytechnic college reminded her pupils of tomorrow's final exam.
'Now listen to me, I won't tolerate any excuses for you not being here tomorrow.
I might consider a nuclear attack or a serious personal injury, illness, or a death in your immediate family, but that's it, no other excuseswhatsoever!'
A smart-arsed chappie at the back of the room raised his hand and asked,
'What would happen if I came in tomorrow suffering from complete and utter sexual exhaustion?'
The entire class was reduced to laughter and sniggering. When silence was restored, the teacher smiled knowingly at the student, shook her head and sweetly said, 'Well, I suppose you'd have to write the exam with your other hand.'