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1 Christmas Story 1
(1) This section applies if it is after 6pm on 24 December.
(2) No creature may move in the house.
(3) St Nicholas may provide services if a stocking is, with reasonable care, hung by the chimney.
(4) In this section—
“creature” includes mouse,
“move” includes stirring,
“house” includes all through the house.
2 Christmas Song 2
(1) This section applies if—
(a) it is 26 December,
(b) there is snow lying round about,
(c) the moon is shining, and
(d) it is cold.
(2) A person entitled to universal credit must collect wood.
3 Christmas Song 3
(1) A person must ensure that the passage is decorated with an appropriate amount of Ilex aquifolium.
(2) A person (whether or not the person mentioned in subsection (1)) must be happy at the relevant time.
(3) In subsection (2) “the relevant time” means the season.
4 Christmas Song 4
(1) This section applies if it is before 12 noon on 25 December.
(2) Three vessels designed or adapted for travel on water may each—
(a) approach the viewer, and
(b) carry two passengers.
(3) The passengers referred to in subsection (2)(b) are to be—
(a) the Virgin Mary,
(b) Christ.
5 Christmas Song 5
(1) A person must watch out.
(2) A person must not—
(a) cry,
(b) pout.
(3) Subsection (4) provides further information about the reasons for the duties contained in subsections (1) and (2).
(4) The relevant person is arriving at a place which has a population—
(a) larger than a village, but
(b) smaller than a city.
(5) The relevant person must—
(a) make a list,
(b) check the information contained in the list two times.
(6) The relevant person must ascertain—
(a) who has been naughty,
(b) who has been nice.
(7) In this section “relevant person” means Santa Claus.
6 Christmas Song 6
(1) The relevant persons must make reasonable efforts to secure the outcome mentioned in subsection (3).
(2) “Relevant persons” means 3 persons who are—
(a) from places situated on the right hand side of a person facing north, and
(b) each of a rank—
(i) greater than viceroy,
(ii) lesser than emperor.
(3) The outcome referred to in subsection (1) is to follow the star.
(4) The duty in subsection (1) includes, in particular—
(a) bearing gifts,
(b) crossing—
(i) field and fountain,
(ii) moor and mountain.
7 Christmas Song 7
(1) Subsections (2) and (3) apply if—
(a) a person (“I”) gives another person (“you”) a heart (“it”),
(b) the thing mentioned in paragraph (a) occurs on 25 December,
(c) the period of 1 day has elapsed since the occurrence of the thing mentioned in paragraph (a), and
(d) you gives it away.
(2) Subsection (3) applies for the purpose of—
(a) preventing, or
(b) reducing the likelihood of,
tears.
(3) After the expiry of the period of 1 year beginning with the date on which the circumstances mentioned in paragraphs (a) and (b) of subsection (1) occur, I is to give it to a person who satisfies the requirement set out in subsection (4).
(4) That requirement is that the person is someone special.
8 Christmas Song 8
(1) Subsections (4) and (5) apply if both Condition A and Condition B are satisfied.
(2) Condition A is that it is a time in the period of 24 hours immediately preceding 25 December.
(3) Condition B is that a person (“I”) is detained in temporary custody because of excess consumption of alcohol by I with a view to I’s recovery from such consumption.
(4) A male individual who has attained the age of 60 (“an old man”) may communicate to I the fact that Condition A is not likely to be satisfied again in relation to the old man.
(5) After complying with subsection (4)—
(a) the old man may sing a song relating to the illegal production of alcohol at high elevation, and
(b) I may—
(i) turn I’s face to the opposite direction from that in which the old man is situated, and
(ii) dream about another person.
9 Christmas Song 9
(1) The things mentioned in subsection (3) may happen if (and only if) the answer to each of the questions contained in the table in subsection (2) is “yes”.
(2) Those questions are—
Questions
1. Is each person affixing a receptacle for presents to a structure the purpose of which is to maintain support for a building?
2. Is a person dressed in red and white being conveyed by an animal (Rangifer Tarandus) whose nasal protuberance is red?
3. Does the person mentioned in question 2 exceed a speed of 100 mph on the person’s conveyance?
4. Do mythical beings prevent the person mentioned in question 2 from becoming incapacited by reason of excess consumption of alcohol?
(3) These are the things—
(a) it is 25 December,
(b) all persons on the premises are entertained,
(c) those persons are contemplating events which have not yet occurred, and
(d) a less than material part of the day mentioned in paragraph (a) has elapsed.
10 Christmas Song 10
(1) Male individuals who have been entertained must—
(a) rest,
(b) not be dismayed,
(c) remember that the specified event occurred for the specified purpose, and
(d) consent to receive information about comfort and joy.
(2) In this section—
“the specified event” is that Christ our saviour was born on 25 December,
“the specified purpose” is that of saving persons from Satan’s power following a contravention by those persons.
1 Christmas Story 1
(1) This section applies if it is after 6pm on 24 December.
(2) No creature may move in the house.
(3) St Nicholas may provide services if a stocking is, with reasonable care, hung by the chimney.
(4) In this section—
“creature” includes mouse,
“move” includes stirring,
“house” includes all through the house.
2 Christmas Song 2
(1) This section applies if—
(a) it is 26 December,
(b) there is snow lying round about,
(c) the moon is shining, and
(d) it is cold.
(2) A person entitled to universal credit must collect wood.
3 Christmas Song 3
(1) A person must ensure that the passage is decorated with an appropriate amount of Ilex aquifolium.
(2) A person (whether or not the person mentioned in subsection (1)) must be happy at the relevant time.
(3) In subsection (2) “the relevant time” means the season.
4 Christmas Song 4
(1) This section applies if it is before 12 noon on 25 December.
(2) Three vessels designed or adapted for travel on water may each—
(a) approach the viewer, and
(b) carry two passengers.
(3) The passengers referred to in subsection (2)(b) are to be—
(a) the Virgin Mary,
(b) Christ.
5 Christmas Song 5
(1) A person must watch out.
(2) A person must not—
(a) cry,
(b) pout.
(3) Subsection (4) provides further information about the reasons for the duties contained in subsections (1) and (2).
(4) The relevant person is arriving at a place which has a population—
(a) larger than a village, but
(b) smaller than a city.
(5) The relevant person must—
(a) make a list,
(b) check the information contained in the list two times.
(6) The relevant person must ascertain—
(a) who has been naughty,
(b) who has been nice.
(7) In this section “relevant person” means Santa Claus.
6 Christmas Song 6
(1) The relevant persons must make reasonable efforts to secure the outcome mentioned in subsection (3).
(2) “Relevant persons” means 3 persons who are—
(a) from places situated on the right hand side of a person facing north, and
(b) each of a rank—
(i) greater than viceroy,
(ii) lesser than emperor.
(3) The outcome referred to in subsection (1) is to follow the star.
(4) The duty in subsection (1) includes, in particular—
(a) bearing gifts,
(b) crossing—
(i) field and fountain,
(ii) moor and mountain.
7 Christmas Song 7
(1) Subsections (2) and (3) apply if—
(a) a person (“I”) gives another person (“you”) a heart (“it”),
(b) the thing mentioned in paragraph (a) occurs on 25 December,
(c) the period of 1 day has elapsed since the occurrence of the thing mentioned in paragraph (a), and
(d) you gives it away.
(2) Subsection (3) applies for the purpose of—
(a) preventing, or
(b) reducing the likelihood of,
tears.
(3) After the expiry of the period of 1 year beginning with the date on which the circumstances mentioned in paragraphs (a) and (b) of subsection (1) occur, I is to give it to a person who satisfies the requirement set out in subsection (4).
(4) That requirement is that the person is someone special.
8 Christmas Song 8
(1) Subsections (4) and (5) apply if both Condition A and Condition B are satisfied.
(2) Condition A is that it is a time in the period of 24 hours immediately preceding 25 December.
(3) Condition B is that a person (“I”) is detained in temporary custody because of excess consumption of alcohol by I with a view to I’s recovery from such consumption.
(4) A male individual who has attained the age of 60 (“an old man”) may communicate to I the fact that Condition A is not likely to be satisfied again in relation to the old man.
(5) After complying with subsection (4)—
(a) the old man may sing a song relating to the illegal production of alcohol at high elevation, and
(b) I may—
(i) turn I’s face to the opposite direction from that in which the old man is situated, and
(ii) dream about another person.
9 Christmas Song 9
(1) The things mentioned in subsection (3) may happen if (and only if) the answer to each of the questions contained in the table in subsection (2) is “yes”.
(2) Those questions are—
Questions
1. Is each person affixing a receptacle for presents to a structure the purpose of which is to maintain support for a building?
2. Is a person dressed in red and white being conveyed by an animal (Rangifer Tarandus) whose nasal protuberance is red?
3. Does the person mentioned in question 2 exceed a speed of 100 mph on the person’s conveyance?
4. Do mythical beings prevent the person mentioned in question 2 from becoming incapacited by reason of excess consumption of alcohol?
(3) These are the things—
(a) it is 25 December,
(b) all persons on the premises are entertained,
(c) those persons are contemplating events which have not yet occurred, and
(d) a less than material part of the day mentioned in paragraph (a) has elapsed.
10 Christmas Song 10
(1) Male individuals who have been entertained must—
(a) rest,
(b) not be dismayed,
(c) remember that the specified event occurred for the specified purpose, and
(d) consent to receive information about comfort and joy.
(2) In this section—
“the specified event” is that Christ our saviour was born on 25 December,
“the specified purpose” is that of saving persons from Satan’s power following a contravention by those persons.
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