ex husband and contact

[archer_66]

ok long story ill try and tell it fast!
got divorced 10 yrs ago. he was very controlling and abusive as well as unfaithful
i had one child from him and 2 from a previous relationship.
i was advised by the police to get a court order as he kept taking our son and saying he wasnt sure when hed bring him back... so i did this and got a residence order that finishes when hes 16( hes 13 now)
hes always been late picking him up and dropping him off, and this has been very stressful in itself.
hes never paid a penny for him , although when i had to claim income support around 7 yrs ago i did give names of both dads on the income support form,nothing was ever done
his dad has enjoyed holidays abroad every yr and is buying his own house, hes remarried and paid for IVF. they have 3 young kids oldest being about 1and a half. this last yr contact has been irratic as my son doesnt feel wanted when hes at his dads and his dad says bad things about me and upsets him. he decided in dec my son wanted the contact shortened to just every other saturday instead of every other sat and sunday(no over night was in place)
his dad replied saying it wasnt worth his time picking him up just for the 4 hours . he then said a couple of weeks after that he had lost his job and couldnt afford to pick him up and drop him off, and that if he wanted to go to his dads id have to take him! this making me look once again like the bad person
i said i couldnt afford to ( im on low wages and tax credits)
i have 2 children at home one at uni.
my son went to see his dad sunday just gone as he missed his sisters
he came back upset saying his dad would pick him up but id have to bring him back from now on. which ive said i cant do. his dad says he has 3 kids to look after and it will take food out of their mouths if he brings him back
he can however afford michael jackson tickets and tina turner tickets and a new laptop!!
so this is making me look like the bad one as hes told our son he can come whenever he likes if i bring him back!! so ... my son said sunday.... you just dont want me to see my dad!
i have explained to him i am on a very tight budget and cant afford any more drains on my money
where do i stand on this? its written in the court order his dad is to pick him up and drop him off
he moved out of birmingham to be by his wifes family about 7 yrs ago.
the school have put him on a waiting list for counselling due to the emotional problems that have arisen due to all this .ill have to find the letter out and ask them to get a move on
any ideas??

[strugglingmum]

Re: ex husband and contact

Hi Archer, ouch I thought you were male for some reason up to now :tinysmile_aha_t:
I'm really sorry to hear you're having problems and would love to be able to give you a hug (now I know you're female) lol

At the moment it seems theres a lot of mind games still going on from your ex and that's obviously affecting you and your son both and I cant really offer any constructive advice just sympathetic advice. I know mediation can often sort problems out have you ever thought of finding out if there's anything like this available to you? Also, have you been (or been back to) the csa to help with the financial costs?

I do hope you're ok and do get back in control of the situation soon. xx

[archer_66]

Re: ex husband and contact

lol yea its not the first time ive been called a man !
no i havent been back to csa cos i know he'll start messing about and ill be out of pocket and struggling more. i just wish he would start being a proper dad instead of playing games cos the person hes hurting the most is my son and it breaks my heart.

we had mediation when the court order was set up cos he was unreasonable and they sorted it out fairly but hes dropped a day off from the original order and now he really cant be bothered in my opinion
thing is i shouldnt have to force him to have contact with his son i dont understand men
*sighs*
thanks for the virtual hug SM its well needed
are you going to the meet in june? i know youve prob already said somewhere but am having a blonde week!! lol

[Mochamoo]

Re: ex husband and contact

Jeez Archer xx What a git!!!!! does he know (care)he is hurting his son???


other than CSA route to get more money in Im not sure, have you had a free consultation with a family solicitor to see what they say?

[archer_66]

Re: ex husband and contact

well its not really the money cos ive been coping so long without it im sort of used to it... its the fact hes making excuses not to pick our son up and putting it all on me as usual
and no mochamoo he doesnt care .. you wouldnt want to know what he did while we were married hes a nasty piece of work, to him its a game to try and get people to like him better my other son grew up thinking i didnt love him cos my ex told him constantly while he was growing up, i didnt know at the time though
and hes done it to my youngest one as well but he knows its not true
getting divorced was the best thing i ever did shame i took so long getting round to it

[Happyolddog]

Re: ex husband and contact

Hey Archer,

Sorry you are getting such crap from your ex, he sounds like an emotionally corrupt git. By giving things to your son he is buying affection, try explaining this to your son. At 13 I am sure he is bright enough to understand this concept and how it upsets you. Also tell your ex to stop buying affection and rather support your son by financially contributing to his upbringing.

Best wishes,
Hod..Liam..

btw, I was in no doubt that you are a woman.

[strugglingmum]

Re: ex husband and contact

lol yea its not the first time ive been called a man !
no i havent been back to csa cos i know he'll start messing about and ill be out of pocket and struggling more. i just wish he would start being a proper dad instead of playing games cos the person hes hurting the most is my son and it breaks my heart.

we had mediation when the court order was set up cos he was unreasonable and they sorted it out fairly but hes dropped a day off from the original order and now he really cant be bothered in my opinion
thing is i shouldnt have to force him to have contact with his son i dont understand men
*sighs*
thanks for the virtual hug SM its well needed
are you going to the meet in june? i know youve prob already said somewhere but am having a blonde week!! lol

Ok hun, first off your fine being blonde, me too. I dont want to offer legal advice etc because i only know a little, but you absolutely MUST go back to the CSA regardless of what you think the sooner you make conatct the sooner you can claim back, just like the bank charges ok?

Secondly, yes he is messing with your head but he wants to see his dad by the sounds of it, are you entitled to legal aid at all? if so go and see a solicitor, if not let me try and find one for you that will give you a free half hour, you need to get this contact sorted. Your son is 13, he is actually old enough now to make up his own mind in the courts eyes and quite possibly cafcass will deal with this and probably be able to help you with the conact issues. Cafcass is the agency that deals with mediation between families and children. I hope this helps. xx

[archer_66]

Re: ex husband and contact

haha you knew i was female? what gave it away...?
and those things he bought.... they werent for our son they were for himself... he doesnt buy our son things , he didnt even get a birthday card last yr
xx
------------------------------- merged -------------------------------
SM i think we went to cafcass before many yrs ago
thing is the court order states he is to fetch him and bring him back at certain times but now hes changing the game plan. i dont think the order is enforceable cos ive tried before.
our son wants to see his dad cos of his sisters theyre only little bless them and he loves them. but hes in emotional turmoil
the legal aid i had to pay towards last time and i cant afford it now. i used to have 4 part time jobs before i had my last child...
ill phone councellor tomorrow see if they can push him up the list .. they told me to let them know if things change... thanks all for your kind words and advice
xx

[strugglingmum]

Re: ex husband and contact

haha you knew i was female? what gave it away...?
and those things he bought.... they werent for our son they were for himself... he doesnt buy our son things , he didnt even get a birthday card last yr
xx
------------------------------- merged -------------------------------
SM i think we went to cafcass before many yrs ago
thing is the court order states he is to fetch him and bring him back at certain times but now hes changing the game plan. i dont think the order is enforceable cos ive tried before.
our son wants to see his dad cos of his sisters theyre only little bless them and he loves them. but hes in emotional turmoil
the legal aid i had to pay towards last time and i cant afford it now. i used to have 4 part time jobs before i had my last child...
ill phone councellor tomorrow see if they can push him up the list .. they told me to let them know if things change... thanks all for your kind words and advice
xx

Hun, you can go back to court at any time if you want, also, you can stop conatct at any time, that i shouldn't say but you can stop that order and force your ex to take you back to court.
Your son is now old enough to let this be dealt with totally without your or your exe's opinion. If you refuse to take your son for conact, although you may have problems with your ex stamping his feet, there isnt anything he could do,he would have to take you back to court. This would be a problem for him because it would cost him. Cafcass would then again get involved and given your sons age and the timescale he would probably be 15 before they make a decision.
It's your choice hun, if your son wants to see him then think about this otherwise stop contact and let your ex follow it up.

[archer_66]

Re: ex husband and contact

thats the problem SM my son wants to see him cos of his sisters being there.he doesnt get fed while his there and he does nothing with him. but he wants to see his sisters
my son has a few times refused to go to his dads . its getting less and less so im hoping itll stop eventually.
he saw his dad boxing day last yr and then the sunday just gone.
the counselling is there to start to help him with how to cope better with the situation and wont get involved in court action which is fine. he needs help to sort things out in his head. at least then hes got someone neutral to get opinions off
right im off to bed, ive been awake since 3am..getting old i think
thanks all
xx

[strugglingmum]

Re: ex husband and contact

thats the problem SM my son wants to see him cos of his sisters being there.he doesnt get fed while his there and he does nothing with him. but he wants to see his sisters
my son has a few times refused to go to his dads . its getting less and less so im hoping itll stop eventually.
he saw his dad boxing day last yr and then the sunday just gone.
the counselling is there to start to help him with how to cope better with the situation and wont get involved in court action which is fine. he needs help to sort things out in his head. at least then hes got someone neutral to get opinions off
right im off to bed, ive been awake since 3am..getting old i think
thanks all
xx

Hope you feel better in the morning hun, pm me anytime if you want to let off steam xxx

[righty]

Re: ex husband and contact

Believe when I say I've seen his type before & none of them have been good

Let me begin by stating that as unfortunate as it is he doesn't give a toss about your son nor does he care about the emotional problems he's causing, he just want's to cause you as much grief as possible.

& as your NOT relying on him to support your son my advice is stop making your son available & the sooner the better.

Your kid won't be fooled if you force his father to see him it'll simply make him feel worse & bearing in mind what's already happening if forced his father will be even more vindictive toward him & you.There appears to be no benefit in continuing contact so dump him.

You may be surprised how well your son reacts knowing he won't be put through anymore grief by being made to feel unwanted

[ed.]

Re: ex husband and contact

I can only relate so far as an uncle and cousins, and how he expects them to make the effort to see him, rather than the other way round.

I'm with Righty almost completely here.

The more effort you go to, the more you put yourself in the position as being the one who tries, then fails, the one who breaks the promise to your son that he'll enjoy the trip etc. This is obviously what this poor excuse for a man actually wants (whether he even realises it or not - and I do doubt that, stupidity isn't always a conscious effort it can come naturally and you have to be pretty stupid to use your own flesh and blood as a weapon in my opinion).

I suppose that's the only bit I'm not as convinced about as Righty......but that is the only bit and maybe that comes from me speaking to my unc over his immature desire to want to see that his kids haven't turned against him by seeing them make the effort, without him realising his own actions ARE turning them against him.....if that makes sense.

If the idiot doesn't make the effort, as Righty says ignore him. Forget him, because he's potentially causing more harm to your son than he could if he wasn't around full stop. Your son will grow into a man (realise what his dad is really like and don't mistake the fact that when the sisters grow up they could realise aswell) and if he is going round to see the sisters more than the dad, they'll have a future together.

And there's one person who'll be left out of that in the main......and it won't be you.

Make yourself availble to them, but stop making yourself available to him.

[Amethyst]

Re: ex husband and contact

archer hun, i have to say i agree with the boys on this.

The court order is for when he has him, if he wants to see him he has to make the effort and collect him and return him.

You also need to talk to your son about everything and yes you will feel like the baddy and be hit out at but he'll know that you are looking out for him, I know my kids feel like crap when they overhear me asking their dad when he's going to come see them next. Its getting longer and longer between visits. I do get fed up making excuses for him I just explain he's really busy and its a long way for him to come. When he does have them he tells them awful things about me.

Do something with the kids yourself at weekends and forget your ex until he decides he actually wants to see him and is prepared to put the effort in without mind games. Let him do the running. The court order isnt that he MUST have him on x, x and x is it? its that he must bring him back on time when he does have him.

[Luminol]

Re: ex husband and contact

Archer, Im sorry to hear of your woes, and the effect its having on your little boy.

Have you thought of a different angle, I do agree with the above few posts especially Ame but understand your little boy might be upset with this, and probably cant understand why his Dad wont put in the effort, this maybe a long shot, but have you considered speaking to your ex's wife maybe she will be able to understand 'as a mother' and shed some light on the issue.

As I said its a long shot, but may give you another option before stopping contact, at least you'll of tried everything.

Lumi x ((hug))