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Hello everyone, on the 16th March I have my assessment for PIP at my home. I have written down the answers to the questionnaire and I was wondering if someone could look through them and see if I am hitting the descriptors and if not, how I can re-word them.
My mental health problems began when I was a child and were caused by the effects of childhood sexual abuse, mental abuse and physical abuse by my step dad.
It’s a long read and graphic at times on the additional information part.
Q1 – About professionals I see
1. Main health care professional, , Community Psychiatric Nurse, ***** Hospital, Worksop. TEL: 01909 502001
2. Consultant Psychiatrist, Dr , ******Hospital, *****, TEL: 01909 502001
3. G.P, Dr S *****
I hardly see my GP, but Dr ****** is always up to date as my Nurse and Psychiatrist send him letters updating him on my conditions and medications but Dr ***** has been supporting me since the court case and still does, he was a rock as he was the only person I had at the time and he got me through it.
Q2 – About your health conditions or disabilities
I suffer from moderate to severe depression, I also suffer from moderate to severe anxiety and I also suffer from post-traumatic stress disorder, I often suffer severe panic/anxiety attacks as well as feeling suicidal, agoraphobia as well, and generalized anxiety disorder, I also suffer from obsessive compulsive disorder, all this can cause confusion, severe anger and rage, I am also asthmatic.
I currently take 150mg of Amitriptyline at night as it works both as an antidepressant and a sedative, on the 9th February 2014 I was prescribed Lamotrigine to help stabilize my moods, the dose will gradually build up over the next 12 months, I currently take 100mg.I find it extremely hard to operate the following day as the amitriptyline is strong and I am sedated most of the day.
Q3 – Preparing Food
I am unable to prepare food as it’s not safe for me to do so, over the past few years my kitchen has been on fire due to me leaving the gas cooker on unattended and food burning as well as items falling on to the gas hobs such as boxes and plastic bottles causing black smoke to come in to my living room, this has happens because I cannot concentrate on anything and I forget and I only realize when the smoke is filling up my flat which could potentially kill me as well as fire and could spread to the other flats in the block I live in. I used to have a microwave but that also caused problems, I would put the wrong items in such as plastic pots which would melt as they were not suitable for a microwave and burn and cause more smoke as well as burning food, I also put tin foil in there once to help cook some food but that cause huge sparks and blew my microwave up and tripped all the electricity. I live of cereal and sometimes don’t even eat at all.
Q4. Eating and Drinking
I originally said this was not applicable but I misread the guidance notes. I need to be reminded and prompted to eat which is done by my CPN. I usually live off cereals as I am unable to cook safely. Most of the time I do under eat
Q5. Managing Treatments
I constantly forget to take my medications, such as anti-depressant’s, sleeping medication and anti-anxiety medication which makes my conditions worse, I fall deeper in to depression which can cause me to think and plan suicide, it can also make me extremely angry and my anxiety will rocket up making everything worse, I will suffer from severe anxiety attacks that I cannot control and which last a long time and when I do remember that I forgot to take the medications I will take more doses of it to catch up which again can make things worse as some of the medications can make me drowsy if I over dose, over dosing is dangerous and can cause death, over dosing on the anti-anxiety medication that I do often makes me feel on the edge, it makes me angry, makes me want to go and attack someone with a knife, makes me hyper active which is not good with my conditions, the adrenaline rush I sometimes get will make me more determined to attack someone with deadly force.
Amitriptyline makes me extremely drowsy the next day, I struggle to function but it’s the only medication that barely helps my sleeping problems and depression.
Q6. Washing and Bathing
I can go weeks without washing or bathing because I forget to, I cannot concentrate or even remember to bathe or wash and in the past when I have remembered to run a bath but I forget its running and the water would over flow which would flood my bathroom and my hall way causing damage. I will wear the same clothes for weeks as well, which includes underwear, I don’t do this on purpose, it’s because I don’t remember due to my mental health, it’s not my fault.
Q7. Managing Toilet Needs
After releasing my bowels I always tend to forget to clean myself afterwards and this can go on for weeks. As I explained on question 6 I can go weeks without bathing and without changing my clothes, it’s not very hygienic but I can’t help it, it’s my mental health.
Q8. Dressing and Undressing
As I said on another section, I wear the same clothes for weeks which begin to smell bad after a while.
Q9. Communicating
I do have a phone phobia, even though I have a mobile phone I hardly pick it up, even when my CPN or GP has called I get too anxious to pick it up but sometimes I do pick up with my CPN calls me but it does make me anxious, but I do need a phone in case I need to call the crisis team if I feel suicidal etc and I have their numbers. When I do speak to my GP, CPN or Psychiatrist I tend to mumble and they are unable to understand what I am saying so I have to repeat myself.
Q10. Reading
I have problems with reading at times, I do need glasses but I don’t want to go to opticians as I am too anxious. Often I can’t understand letters so I just throw them away, most are from debt collection agencies and utility companies chasing money for bills but this also could be letters from healthcare professionals which I need to discuss with them when I see them to try and understand what they meant.
Q11. Mixing with other people
I cannot deal with social situations what so ever, I cannot be in crowds or surrounded by a lot of people as I will get very anxious and anxious for me turns in to anger and I will get aggressive and violent with people, I will provoke people to start fights and I will get violent and pick up weapons and attack people with them and I would use deadly force if I had too and it wouldn't phase me what so ever. I can barely cope seeing my CPN on visits and she's only with me for one hour and I begin to get mad, this is also the same when I see my psychiatrists, after ten minutes I begin to get annoyed and I start being rude to her and asking questions trying to provoke a situation and in November 2013 when I had to see a Dr because I was border line suicidal I nearly started a fight with him but he left the room and I was asked to leave but he phoned the crisis team for me. I can't help this but after 22 years of physical abuse by my step dad this is what I have become. If I have to leave my flat now for any reason I will carry a weapon with me, a 4.4 inch knife I own or scalpel to protect myself in case anyone tries to attack me or provoke me I know it's illegal to carry weapons but I’d rather protect my life and I would use it if I had too and it wouldn't phase me.
Q12. Making decisions about money
I am in debt with the water company which is over £300, same with Electricity and with District Heating, When my medication was erratic I got in to a lot of debt with phone companies and with online catalogues, I am in debt with them towards £4,000. I cannot control my money what so ever, I order a small amount of cereal and milk and some bleach, most of the order is Corn Flakes or cheerio’s, Milk and Sugar which is what I live on. I always forget to pay my phone bill and it gets cut off but I need my phone to be working in case my CPN calls me or my GP or if I need to call the crisis team.
Q.13 Going Out
I very, very rarely!!! Go out at all as it means I need to travel on the bus or train and in day light. I travel by taxi now to appointments to see my psychiatrist which is door to door. I can't travel to places I know any more because since the trial I know people who live in the vicinity as it could lead to someone attacking me and me attacking back with a weapon and getting arrested for assault or for murdering someone and having a dangerous weapon on me and going to prison for it. I have to travel to Worksop by Taxi to see my psychiatrist and this puts my anxiety through the roof, I have to over medicate myself with Diazepam and Pregabalin (no longer on Pregabalin) which is not safe at all but I only have an appointment every few months with her but I once got a lift by my CPN . I cannot go to places I don't know because I don't know where I would be, if people I knew were there who would want to harass or attack me because of what happened during the trial, I could attack people if I felt threatened as I would carry weapons with me if I had to go out, such as my 4.4 inch knife, a stanley knife etc and would use them if I had too and it wouldn’t phase me at all, this is how bad my mental health is getting.
I have tried going out as risks need to be taken but it never ends will.
It will cause psychological distress, anxiety and panic to go out anywhere, I get my prescriptions delivered now because I can’t go out, I have to over dose on diazepam and previously pregabalin to see my Psychiatrist which is not safe but I have no choice, it’s a door to door taxi service which takes me weeks to mentally prepare for.
On the 9th November 2014 I went out for dinner with the only few remaining family members which took over dosing on propranolol and diazepam which wasn’t safe, at the restaurant I was bumped in to purposely and aggressively when I was sitting down by another family member who happened to be there at the same time with other people, upon my instinct I picked up my steak knife and I was going to stab him, I would have stabbed him if my uncle didn’t stop me otherwise I would be in prison now, this is why I can’t go out or be in public as I will have aggressive behaviour for no apparent reason and will I attack people, which could be deadly. I tried to go out and see how I would do mentally and it didn’t go well at all as you can tell, its best for me to not go out as I am a danger to the public.
A lot of the time if I was out, I would want to try and end my life by jumping in front of a speeding car, van, lorry or train etc to end my life quickly. What my step dad did to me has caused me severe psychological damage and mental anguish which is severely impacting my adult life.
On the evening of the 19th December 2014 I confronted someone who had been trying to intimidate me for the past few weeks, I was wearing a balaclava and put my 4.4 inch knife to their throat and told them to stop or face the consequences. This is how mentally unstable I am coming, people need to take what I am saying seriously and I mean my health care professionals, DWP etc.
In January 2015 I was again being harassed by people sat in a transit van in the car park next to where I live, I again put on my balaclava and went around the back of the car park and sneaked up next to the van and used the glass smashing mechanism on the end of my life to smash the windscreen.
On the 19th February I attacked 5 people with a titanium baseball bat for playing really loud music, I injured 4 of them badly, they were all drunk and attacked me so I protected myself with force and I will do it again, I then followed one of them home 2 hours later and I set his car on fire and threatened to burn his down with him in it if he ever tried anything like that again, and believe me, I would.
I am getting worse, it’s best for me to isolate myself before I kill someone, I am not safe to be in public.
Q.14 Moving Around
I often have problems walking as I can become really dizzy on the verge of fainting, this is due to the medication and it one of the side effects, anxiety causes the exact same problem because it’s that severe, it can cause breathlessness which can make my asthma worse. I also lose concentration when I do have to go out and I cross major roads without checking and I have killed nearly several times because of this, it’s not safe for me to go out at all.
Q15 Additional information
PLEASE SEE THE ATTACHED DOCUMENTS FOR ADDITIONAL INFORMATION.
Why I am the way I am, explained below but it is a long read, it started after childhood trauma including sexual abuse, physical abuse and mental abuse by my step dad.
This has caused severe physiological damage.
My mental health problems began when I was a child and were caused by the effects of childhood sexual abuse, mental abuse and physical abuse by my step dad.
I am the youngest of four brothers and I was sexually and physically and mentally abused as a child. For a period of 7 years I was molested by my step dad who used to pull my pyjamas bottoms down whilst sleeping and holding my penis doing masturbating motions with it, he frequently put his penis in my mouth as well as penetrating his penis in to my anus. The physical abuse lasted for a very long time, most of the time he would hit me that hard and for that long that I would go out of consciousness and when I came back around I would be violently vomiting because he had beaten me that bad, he would hit my head off my bedroom wall until I was unconscious, he was also like this with my other three older brothers but I seem to get the worst of it, this lasted until my teens and has had a severe effect on my mental health, I have been suffering from depression since being a child and attempted to take my life on several occasions because of it but was unsuccessful. I never had support from any one because I was scared to speak up about it because my step dad is that violent, however my mother never once intervened during this and she let it happen over and over again. I was hit with mental bars as well as thick leather belts and I often had buckle indentations on my body, he would throw me around rooms where I would get my head hit off walls until I was unconscious and when I came around I would be vomiting. When I was a child until my teens I used to lock myself in my small bedroom, with the windows closed and the lights off, even during summer just on my laptop and only coming out to shower or to go to school, I would eat the dinner made for me when everyone went to bed to stay out the way to try and prevent things happening to me. I used to get called a hermit until people realized why I did it and sympathized with me when they knew the whole story.
After my GCSE’s in 2006 I went to America to visit my Aunt and Uncle and cousins in Mississippi and I went back again in November 2006 and during that visit something serious was found out and because of the severity of it I told my aunt (mothers sister) what happened to me because my step dad had said on the phone that my Uncle (mothers sisters husband) should never be able to see his children again (two boys 1 year old and 2 year old at the time) because of what my Uncle did to his step daughter (Aunts daughter, 16 at the time) and this made me see red because of what he said and my aunt had asked me if my step dad had done anything to me and she sat me down outside and asked me what he had did to me and I told her everything and the next day she phoned my mother up and told my mother what I had said and she confronted my step dad who denied everything and when I got back home it was as if nothing had ever happened and nothing more was said about it.
A couple of years later my two eldest brothers had children, a boy and a girl and I felt that I needed to protect them from my step dad because I didn’t want them going through what I had to go through, even though they were really young at the time. In January 2010 I came back home from a New Year’s Eve party and I walked in to the living room where my step dad had my niece on his lap (mother was out at the time) with his hands near her genitals and his fingers were placed to make you think that he had been touching her genitals as she had a baby grow on and the sides of her nappy where her genitals are was pulled out a little. When I saw this is made me see red and started giving me flash backs due to the abuse he gave me and I eventually left the family home and moved out and started slowly reporting to the Police what happened to me. Over the next few months after several interviews he was eventually arrested and charged as the Crown Prosecution Service said there was sufficient evidence to charge him and send him to trial but during this, my cousin (Step dads’ sister’ daughter) also reported to the Police similar things that happened to me, he raped her at Centre Parks in the late 1980’s and again raped her at a house in Nottingham but was too scared to tell anyone and she held on to this for over 16 years, he also molested her as a child. It took 12 months to get the case to the Crown Court in Nottingham and after a three week trial he was found guilty and sentenced to prison for 4 and a half years, he was also put on the sex offenders register for life and was also given a SOPO order which is a Sexual Offence Protection Order which means he can’t be near any one age 18 years old or younger but this is usually 16 but Judge Sampson thought it was necessary to make it 18 due to the nature of the abuse. I had to attend the trial for 3 days on the stand whilst I was cross examined but I had to attend 7 days as I had to wait in the Witness Care Unit at the court in case I had to go up early.
For the year leading up to the trial I was constantly threatened and harassed by my ‘family’ as the majority of them branded me a liar, only one family member had stuck by me all the way through the trial. This caused me to get in to a very deep depression and again I attempted to take my own life but my Uncle who supported me, found me and stopped me from doing it. My mother had threatened to stab my cousin because of all this to try and make her drop her accusations but this did not work. When I left the ‘Family’ home the only property I could get was on the same road as the ‘Family’ home and every time they would drive past my house they would slow down to try and look in my windows to try and intimidate me but this did not work but just made me more anxious and eventually my house was attacked as someone thrown a brick though my window and a week or so after that someone tried getting in to my house by hammering my door severely but left when they couldn’t get through but the Police were called. I was also attacked one night when I was posting a letter at night back to the Police, I was attacked by 4 people in an alley way however I fought them off and they ran off and this was reported as well but the Police couldn’t do much but I know they were my brothers and another person. After the attack I planned to commit suicide by jumping in front of a freighter train that runs each night at 10 and I travelled to the tracks but the train must have already gone past.
After 24 years of this abuse, I am on the edge and I can’t take this anymore and I have plans of ending my life, I just can’t take it anymore, I have lost all energy to fight this. I have pushed away any friends I had, I can’t leave my house anymore and only do via taxi to psychiatrist because I lose concentration and over the past few years I have nearly been killed 10 times because I walk out in the main roads and nearly get hit by cars travelling at high speeds, I wanted to end my life in May 2014 and walked out in to the road with a speeding bus coming however a member of the public pulled me back, my psychiatrist is aware of this and my CPN. I cannot cook anymore because I forget I am cooking anything and there has been 5 occasions over the past few years where my kitchen has been on fire and has caused damage and put my life as even more risk. I mainly eat only cereals now as I can’t be trusted using cookers, toasters etc. I can sometimes go weeks without bathing as I forget too and when I do run a bath I forget it’s running at the water over flows in my bath room and floods and causes damage and I only notice this when I eventually go back in that direction. I wear the same clothes for weeks at a time without washing them, I cannot leave my house during the day, I have felt that bad and anxious and depressed to leave my house, I have signed up to an online pharmacy to get my prescriptions delivered by mail. I am a danger to the public because I get angry and aggressive easily over the smallest things, I have attacked the public with bricks and mental bars in the past but I cannot help this what so ever, I become severely violent and enraged, I have an axe and I would not hesitate to put it thorough someone's skull who either tries to threaten me or who I feel threatened by, I am mentally unstable and cannot be around the public because I could kill someone and not think anything about it. If I do have to go out now I will carry a weapon like my 4.4 inch knife a Stanley knife or Scalpel with me just in case I get attacked and I will use it with deadly force if needed, I keep a titanium baseball bat near my front door and a meat cleaver in case anything happened and I would use deadly forced. I had anger counselling in school because I attacked teachers and students and the Police had to be involved. My uncle who was the one to support me during the trial and after had a very similar childhood to me and during his late teens and through his twenties and thirties he was arrested several times for attempted murder and tried in court, he also committed serious assaults using knifes, swords, hammers and crowbars and he would kill someone if he wanted too and it wouldn’t phase him and I feel I am going to very same way and I don’t want to spend the rest of my life in prison for taking someone’s life or just by beating someone that much that I nearly do.
I first reported the sexual abuse, physical abuse, and the mental and emotional abuse to the Police in February 2010 and in May 2010 I went to see my new GP, Dr Simon Allen at Meden Medical Services as I was in need of anti-depressants and sleeping tablets and anxiety tablets and originally he put me on 10mg Citalopram for depression, 30mg x 3 a day of Propranolol and 50mg of Amitriptyline at night to help me sleep but over the next few visits I had to try other anti-depressants and eventually I was put on 50mg of Sertraline in place of Citalopram, 40mg x 3 of Propranolol for Anxiety and 100mg of Amitriptyline at night to help me sleep because my problems got that bad, but since seeing my psychiatrist I tried mirtazapine but had an allergic reaction to it, I was on 50mg of Trazadone for depression which went up to up to 100mg after two weeks but I had a severe allergic reaction to it so I had to come off it, I was also on 150mg of Pregabalin twice a day for anxiety but this ended as it wasn’t working that much. I am now on 150mg Amitriptyline at night for depression and insomnia and 100mg of Lamotgine in the morning to help with mood stabilisation and this is due to be raised over the next 12 months. I also take 5mg of Diazepam when needed in case my depression gets a lot worse or my anxiety gets worse, I have also been diagnosed with severe Agoraphobia and PTSD. In May 2010 my GP also referred me to a service in Nottinghamshire called Let’s Talk Well Being and I had my initial assessment in June 2010 and I was told that counselling would be the best way forward but I never heard anything back from them and I had to go back to my GP to re-apply and I had another assessment and this time I was told that Cognitive Behavioural Therapy would be the best path to take and in November 2011 I started this with Mr ****** ***** but I struggled to attend sessions as they were in Warsop which is a two 15 minutes away from me and I either had to walk there across main roads or get the bus but as I explained earlier I can’t walk anywhere and I had problems with the bus because it’s a limited service in to Mansfield and it gets very busy and on one occasion I started to feel anxious and I started to get very angry and I just ran off the bus before I started attacking other passengers. I was sweating profusely and I was vomiting when I got off the bus. The service through Mr ***** was only a 12 session treatment plan and Mr ****** told me that I would need a lot more longer term care and he discharged me from his service in March 2012 and referred me to the Mental Health team at Kings Mill in Mansfield and in October 2012 I had an assessment with them and Mr Mark ****** insulted me, didn’t really care what I told him, ignored me and told me that I behave like a child and that I should be able to attend any appointment anywhere when this isn’t the case and if he read my notes he would of known how bad I am. I eventually got a letter back from Mr ******* outlining key points and told me that I would need to attend sessions and I can’t miss any and that if I did he would discharge me so I had no choice but to complain to the NHS head office in Nottingham and I had to fight more to get more therapy and they were not having it for a while but I requested that I be sent to **** Mental Health Team instead in Worksop and I eventually got a letter from them telling me I had been assigned to a new worker called **** *****. When I first met *** she explained to me that when they received the referral and read what Mr E****** had put about me, they were very angry and could understand why I was as well and called him UN professional. I have only had a couple of appointments with ****** because of my own health and her own. I also cancelled some appointments due to the severity of my condition but I have attended the majority. ***** told me that I am going to need long term care and that it’s going to be a long healing process and that we are going to work on my time and she doesn’t want to rush anything and wants me to get better. I also mentioned to ***** that I need to see a psychiatrist and after nearly 4 years of waiting I got assigned to Dr *****based at Bassetlaw Hospital and I had my initial appointment with Dr ****** in February 2014 then a further appointment in March 2014 due to issues with a new medication that Dr ***** prescribed for me that I didn't react well with and that medication is Mitrazapine. I feel something is going UN diagnosed in my head and that I need more support so I don’t attempt to kill someone like my Uncle does, he has been seeing one for over 15 years now and still struggles severely.
In February 2015, after reacting badly to a medication called Trazadone, I was put on a mood stabiliser called Lamotrigine, I take 100mg at night and this will be raised over the next two months if it does work, if it doesn’t my psychiatrist will try me on another mood stabiliser.
I am also in the process of moving out of ******* to help me with my Anxiety and T***** has contacted the housing department at ****** County Council but she told me this could take a while as there are long lists, in January 2013 I was placed in the lowest band with Bassetlaw which is Band E, they refused medical grounds application as I don't live in the area even though all my support is in the ***** Area. T***** has also contacted the charity Framework to see if they can help me too. I am currently band 2 with ***** District Council and I have been since November 2011 and I am no way closer to getting moved even at band 2, band 1 is the highest, and this isn't even in the area I need to go in too. In December 2014 I signed up for the housing register in Sheffield as I have found out members of my ‘family’ reside in Worksop so it’s not safe for me.
I am currently getting ESA with the Support Group component (A4E also agree I am no way near ready for work) and I feel it would be best to stay on this for the foreseeable future as I need long term care and treatment and because I have severe mental health problems, and my CPN and Psychiatrist agree with this, that I am not suitable for work for the foreseeable future. I have over 23 years of severe mental health problems because of my step dad. By getting the support from ESA and now my CPN T*** and my psychiatrist I finally am starting to see the light at the end of a very dark tunnel, I have only been getting treatment sick January 2013 with my CPN and we’ve only had a few appointments, then February 2014 with my psychiatrist but progress is slow for obvious reasons, because my mental health is that bad, it is giving me slight hope and is slightly stopping me from wanting to end my life but only slightly, it’s going to be a long road to recovery and I need all the support I can get. I am also getting DLA because of my problems and that has recently been extended to 2015, however I will need to apply for PIP which I think I am eligible for in 2015 as my DLA will expire then. My GP after all this time is still sticking by me and agrees with **** and my psychiatrist that I need long term support and he will support me to every step of the way and will write any reports to back this up if needed and will also issue me with sick notes. I also have support from my local MP. I am not sitting on my back side drinking alcohol all day like a lot of people do, I don’t take illegal drugs like heroin like some people do when they’re on ESA, I don’t drink alcohol that often and the only time I have in the past is to try and end my life by drinking that much in a short space of time that I poison myself. I am trying my best to get better as I have explained but I need support and the support I am getting now is the most I have had in years and it’s helping me a lot but time is needed. The NHS haven’t really cared and I have had to fight and fight to get where I am today with them.
I would greatly appreciate if you could take all of the above in to consideration as well as the medical reports/evidence!!!!!! As it shows I am still in need of the same benefits and support I am currently receiving. I am trying to get mentally well again but it's proving severely difficult, you can see all the appointments I have had with health care professionals, I am not sitting around waiting for this to fix itself like a lot of people do, who take drugs and are alcoholics who do nothing about their mental health.
My mental health problems began when I was a child and were caused by the effects of childhood sexual abuse, mental abuse and physical abuse by my step dad.
It’s a long read and graphic at times on the additional information part.
Q1 – About professionals I see
1. Main health care professional, , Community Psychiatric Nurse, ***** Hospital, Worksop. TEL: 01909 502001
2. Consultant Psychiatrist, Dr , ******Hospital, *****, TEL: 01909 502001
3. G.P, Dr S *****
I hardly see my GP, but Dr ****** is always up to date as my Nurse and Psychiatrist send him letters updating him on my conditions and medications but Dr ***** has been supporting me since the court case and still does, he was a rock as he was the only person I had at the time and he got me through it.
Q2 – About your health conditions or disabilities
I suffer from moderate to severe depression, I also suffer from moderate to severe anxiety and I also suffer from post-traumatic stress disorder, I often suffer severe panic/anxiety attacks as well as feeling suicidal, agoraphobia as well, and generalized anxiety disorder, I also suffer from obsessive compulsive disorder, all this can cause confusion, severe anger and rage, I am also asthmatic.
I currently take 150mg of Amitriptyline at night as it works both as an antidepressant and a sedative, on the 9th February 2014 I was prescribed Lamotrigine to help stabilize my moods, the dose will gradually build up over the next 12 months, I currently take 100mg.I find it extremely hard to operate the following day as the amitriptyline is strong and I am sedated most of the day.
Q3 – Preparing Food
I am unable to prepare food as it’s not safe for me to do so, over the past few years my kitchen has been on fire due to me leaving the gas cooker on unattended and food burning as well as items falling on to the gas hobs such as boxes and plastic bottles causing black smoke to come in to my living room, this has happens because I cannot concentrate on anything and I forget and I only realize when the smoke is filling up my flat which could potentially kill me as well as fire and could spread to the other flats in the block I live in. I used to have a microwave but that also caused problems, I would put the wrong items in such as plastic pots which would melt as they were not suitable for a microwave and burn and cause more smoke as well as burning food, I also put tin foil in there once to help cook some food but that cause huge sparks and blew my microwave up and tripped all the electricity. I live of cereal and sometimes don’t even eat at all.
Q4. Eating and Drinking
I originally said this was not applicable but I misread the guidance notes. I need to be reminded and prompted to eat which is done by my CPN. I usually live off cereals as I am unable to cook safely. Most of the time I do under eat
Q5. Managing Treatments
I constantly forget to take my medications, such as anti-depressant’s, sleeping medication and anti-anxiety medication which makes my conditions worse, I fall deeper in to depression which can cause me to think and plan suicide, it can also make me extremely angry and my anxiety will rocket up making everything worse, I will suffer from severe anxiety attacks that I cannot control and which last a long time and when I do remember that I forgot to take the medications I will take more doses of it to catch up which again can make things worse as some of the medications can make me drowsy if I over dose, over dosing is dangerous and can cause death, over dosing on the anti-anxiety medication that I do often makes me feel on the edge, it makes me angry, makes me want to go and attack someone with a knife, makes me hyper active which is not good with my conditions, the adrenaline rush I sometimes get will make me more determined to attack someone with deadly force.
Amitriptyline makes me extremely drowsy the next day, I struggle to function but it’s the only medication that barely helps my sleeping problems and depression.
Q6. Washing and Bathing
I can go weeks without washing or bathing because I forget to, I cannot concentrate or even remember to bathe or wash and in the past when I have remembered to run a bath but I forget its running and the water would over flow which would flood my bathroom and my hall way causing damage. I will wear the same clothes for weeks as well, which includes underwear, I don’t do this on purpose, it’s because I don’t remember due to my mental health, it’s not my fault.
Q7. Managing Toilet Needs
After releasing my bowels I always tend to forget to clean myself afterwards and this can go on for weeks. As I explained on question 6 I can go weeks without bathing and without changing my clothes, it’s not very hygienic but I can’t help it, it’s my mental health.
Q8. Dressing and Undressing
As I said on another section, I wear the same clothes for weeks which begin to smell bad after a while.
Q9. Communicating
I do have a phone phobia, even though I have a mobile phone I hardly pick it up, even when my CPN or GP has called I get too anxious to pick it up but sometimes I do pick up with my CPN calls me but it does make me anxious, but I do need a phone in case I need to call the crisis team if I feel suicidal etc and I have their numbers. When I do speak to my GP, CPN or Psychiatrist I tend to mumble and they are unable to understand what I am saying so I have to repeat myself.
Q10. Reading
I have problems with reading at times, I do need glasses but I don’t want to go to opticians as I am too anxious. Often I can’t understand letters so I just throw them away, most are from debt collection agencies and utility companies chasing money for bills but this also could be letters from healthcare professionals which I need to discuss with them when I see them to try and understand what they meant.
Q11. Mixing with other people
I cannot deal with social situations what so ever, I cannot be in crowds or surrounded by a lot of people as I will get very anxious and anxious for me turns in to anger and I will get aggressive and violent with people, I will provoke people to start fights and I will get violent and pick up weapons and attack people with them and I would use deadly force if I had too and it wouldn't phase me what so ever. I can barely cope seeing my CPN on visits and she's only with me for one hour and I begin to get mad, this is also the same when I see my psychiatrists, after ten minutes I begin to get annoyed and I start being rude to her and asking questions trying to provoke a situation and in November 2013 when I had to see a Dr because I was border line suicidal I nearly started a fight with him but he left the room and I was asked to leave but he phoned the crisis team for me. I can't help this but after 22 years of physical abuse by my step dad this is what I have become. If I have to leave my flat now for any reason I will carry a weapon with me, a 4.4 inch knife I own or scalpel to protect myself in case anyone tries to attack me or provoke me I know it's illegal to carry weapons but I’d rather protect my life and I would use it if I had too and it wouldn't phase me.
Q12. Making decisions about money
I am in debt with the water company which is over £300, same with Electricity and with District Heating, When my medication was erratic I got in to a lot of debt with phone companies and with online catalogues, I am in debt with them towards £4,000. I cannot control my money what so ever, I order a small amount of cereal and milk and some bleach, most of the order is Corn Flakes or cheerio’s, Milk and Sugar which is what I live on. I always forget to pay my phone bill and it gets cut off but I need my phone to be working in case my CPN calls me or my GP or if I need to call the crisis team.
Q.13 Going Out
I very, very rarely!!! Go out at all as it means I need to travel on the bus or train and in day light. I travel by taxi now to appointments to see my psychiatrist which is door to door. I can't travel to places I know any more because since the trial I know people who live in the vicinity as it could lead to someone attacking me and me attacking back with a weapon and getting arrested for assault or for murdering someone and having a dangerous weapon on me and going to prison for it. I have to travel to Worksop by Taxi to see my psychiatrist and this puts my anxiety through the roof, I have to over medicate myself with Diazepam and Pregabalin (no longer on Pregabalin) which is not safe at all but I only have an appointment every few months with her but I once got a lift by my CPN . I cannot go to places I don't know because I don't know where I would be, if people I knew were there who would want to harass or attack me because of what happened during the trial, I could attack people if I felt threatened as I would carry weapons with me if I had to go out, such as my 4.4 inch knife, a stanley knife etc and would use them if I had too and it wouldn’t phase me at all, this is how bad my mental health is getting.
I have tried going out as risks need to be taken but it never ends will.
It will cause psychological distress, anxiety and panic to go out anywhere, I get my prescriptions delivered now because I can’t go out, I have to over dose on diazepam and previously pregabalin to see my Psychiatrist which is not safe but I have no choice, it’s a door to door taxi service which takes me weeks to mentally prepare for.
On the 9th November 2014 I went out for dinner with the only few remaining family members which took over dosing on propranolol and diazepam which wasn’t safe, at the restaurant I was bumped in to purposely and aggressively when I was sitting down by another family member who happened to be there at the same time with other people, upon my instinct I picked up my steak knife and I was going to stab him, I would have stabbed him if my uncle didn’t stop me otherwise I would be in prison now, this is why I can’t go out or be in public as I will have aggressive behaviour for no apparent reason and will I attack people, which could be deadly. I tried to go out and see how I would do mentally and it didn’t go well at all as you can tell, its best for me to not go out as I am a danger to the public.
A lot of the time if I was out, I would want to try and end my life by jumping in front of a speeding car, van, lorry or train etc to end my life quickly. What my step dad did to me has caused me severe psychological damage and mental anguish which is severely impacting my adult life.
On the evening of the 19th December 2014 I confronted someone who had been trying to intimidate me for the past few weeks, I was wearing a balaclava and put my 4.4 inch knife to their throat and told them to stop or face the consequences. This is how mentally unstable I am coming, people need to take what I am saying seriously and I mean my health care professionals, DWP etc.
In January 2015 I was again being harassed by people sat in a transit van in the car park next to where I live, I again put on my balaclava and went around the back of the car park and sneaked up next to the van and used the glass smashing mechanism on the end of my life to smash the windscreen.
On the 19th February I attacked 5 people with a titanium baseball bat for playing really loud music, I injured 4 of them badly, they were all drunk and attacked me so I protected myself with force and I will do it again, I then followed one of them home 2 hours later and I set his car on fire and threatened to burn his down with him in it if he ever tried anything like that again, and believe me, I would.
I am getting worse, it’s best for me to isolate myself before I kill someone, I am not safe to be in public.
Q.14 Moving Around
I often have problems walking as I can become really dizzy on the verge of fainting, this is due to the medication and it one of the side effects, anxiety causes the exact same problem because it’s that severe, it can cause breathlessness which can make my asthma worse. I also lose concentration when I do have to go out and I cross major roads without checking and I have killed nearly several times because of this, it’s not safe for me to go out at all.
Q15 Additional information
PLEASE SEE THE ATTACHED DOCUMENTS FOR ADDITIONAL INFORMATION.
Why I am the way I am, explained below but it is a long read, it started after childhood trauma including sexual abuse, physical abuse and mental abuse by my step dad.
This has caused severe physiological damage.
My mental health problems began when I was a child and were caused by the effects of childhood sexual abuse, mental abuse and physical abuse by my step dad.
I am the youngest of four brothers and I was sexually and physically and mentally abused as a child. For a period of 7 years I was molested by my step dad who used to pull my pyjamas bottoms down whilst sleeping and holding my penis doing masturbating motions with it, he frequently put his penis in my mouth as well as penetrating his penis in to my anus. The physical abuse lasted for a very long time, most of the time he would hit me that hard and for that long that I would go out of consciousness and when I came back around I would be violently vomiting because he had beaten me that bad, he would hit my head off my bedroom wall until I was unconscious, he was also like this with my other three older brothers but I seem to get the worst of it, this lasted until my teens and has had a severe effect on my mental health, I have been suffering from depression since being a child and attempted to take my life on several occasions because of it but was unsuccessful. I never had support from any one because I was scared to speak up about it because my step dad is that violent, however my mother never once intervened during this and she let it happen over and over again. I was hit with mental bars as well as thick leather belts and I often had buckle indentations on my body, he would throw me around rooms where I would get my head hit off walls until I was unconscious and when I came around I would be vomiting. When I was a child until my teens I used to lock myself in my small bedroom, with the windows closed and the lights off, even during summer just on my laptop and only coming out to shower or to go to school, I would eat the dinner made for me when everyone went to bed to stay out the way to try and prevent things happening to me. I used to get called a hermit until people realized why I did it and sympathized with me when they knew the whole story.
After my GCSE’s in 2006 I went to America to visit my Aunt and Uncle and cousins in Mississippi and I went back again in November 2006 and during that visit something serious was found out and because of the severity of it I told my aunt (mothers sister) what happened to me because my step dad had said on the phone that my Uncle (mothers sisters husband) should never be able to see his children again (two boys 1 year old and 2 year old at the time) because of what my Uncle did to his step daughter (Aunts daughter, 16 at the time) and this made me see red because of what he said and my aunt had asked me if my step dad had done anything to me and she sat me down outside and asked me what he had did to me and I told her everything and the next day she phoned my mother up and told my mother what I had said and she confronted my step dad who denied everything and when I got back home it was as if nothing had ever happened and nothing more was said about it.
A couple of years later my two eldest brothers had children, a boy and a girl and I felt that I needed to protect them from my step dad because I didn’t want them going through what I had to go through, even though they were really young at the time. In January 2010 I came back home from a New Year’s Eve party and I walked in to the living room where my step dad had my niece on his lap (mother was out at the time) with his hands near her genitals and his fingers were placed to make you think that he had been touching her genitals as she had a baby grow on and the sides of her nappy where her genitals are was pulled out a little. When I saw this is made me see red and started giving me flash backs due to the abuse he gave me and I eventually left the family home and moved out and started slowly reporting to the Police what happened to me. Over the next few months after several interviews he was eventually arrested and charged as the Crown Prosecution Service said there was sufficient evidence to charge him and send him to trial but during this, my cousin (Step dads’ sister’ daughter) also reported to the Police similar things that happened to me, he raped her at Centre Parks in the late 1980’s and again raped her at a house in Nottingham but was too scared to tell anyone and she held on to this for over 16 years, he also molested her as a child. It took 12 months to get the case to the Crown Court in Nottingham and after a three week trial he was found guilty and sentenced to prison for 4 and a half years, he was also put on the sex offenders register for life and was also given a SOPO order which is a Sexual Offence Protection Order which means he can’t be near any one age 18 years old or younger but this is usually 16 but Judge Sampson thought it was necessary to make it 18 due to the nature of the abuse. I had to attend the trial for 3 days on the stand whilst I was cross examined but I had to attend 7 days as I had to wait in the Witness Care Unit at the court in case I had to go up early.
For the year leading up to the trial I was constantly threatened and harassed by my ‘family’ as the majority of them branded me a liar, only one family member had stuck by me all the way through the trial. This caused me to get in to a very deep depression and again I attempted to take my own life but my Uncle who supported me, found me and stopped me from doing it. My mother had threatened to stab my cousin because of all this to try and make her drop her accusations but this did not work. When I left the ‘Family’ home the only property I could get was on the same road as the ‘Family’ home and every time they would drive past my house they would slow down to try and look in my windows to try and intimidate me but this did not work but just made me more anxious and eventually my house was attacked as someone thrown a brick though my window and a week or so after that someone tried getting in to my house by hammering my door severely but left when they couldn’t get through but the Police were called. I was also attacked one night when I was posting a letter at night back to the Police, I was attacked by 4 people in an alley way however I fought them off and they ran off and this was reported as well but the Police couldn’t do much but I know they were my brothers and another person. After the attack I planned to commit suicide by jumping in front of a freighter train that runs each night at 10 and I travelled to the tracks but the train must have already gone past.
After 24 years of this abuse, I am on the edge and I can’t take this anymore and I have plans of ending my life, I just can’t take it anymore, I have lost all energy to fight this. I have pushed away any friends I had, I can’t leave my house anymore and only do via taxi to psychiatrist because I lose concentration and over the past few years I have nearly been killed 10 times because I walk out in the main roads and nearly get hit by cars travelling at high speeds, I wanted to end my life in May 2014 and walked out in to the road with a speeding bus coming however a member of the public pulled me back, my psychiatrist is aware of this and my CPN. I cannot cook anymore because I forget I am cooking anything and there has been 5 occasions over the past few years where my kitchen has been on fire and has caused damage and put my life as even more risk. I mainly eat only cereals now as I can’t be trusted using cookers, toasters etc. I can sometimes go weeks without bathing as I forget too and when I do run a bath I forget it’s running at the water over flows in my bath room and floods and causes damage and I only notice this when I eventually go back in that direction. I wear the same clothes for weeks at a time without washing them, I cannot leave my house during the day, I have felt that bad and anxious and depressed to leave my house, I have signed up to an online pharmacy to get my prescriptions delivered by mail. I am a danger to the public because I get angry and aggressive easily over the smallest things, I have attacked the public with bricks and mental bars in the past but I cannot help this what so ever, I become severely violent and enraged, I have an axe and I would not hesitate to put it thorough someone's skull who either tries to threaten me or who I feel threatened by, I am mentally unstable and cannot be around the public because I could kill someone and not think anything about it. If I do have to go out now I will carry a weapon like my 4.4 inch knife a Stanley knife or Scalpel with me just in case I get attacked and I will use it with deadly force if needed, I keep a titanium baseball bat near my front door and a meat cleaver in case anything happened and I would use deadly forced. I had anger counselling in school because I attacked teachers and students and the Police had to be involved. My uncle who was the one to support me during the trial and after had a very similar childhood to me and during his late teens and through his twenties and thirties he was arrested several times for attempted murder and tried in court, he also committed serious assaults using knifes, swords, hammers and crowbars and he would kill someone if he wanted too and it wouldn’t phase him and I feel I am going to very same way and I don’t want to spend the rest of my life in prison for taking someone’s life or just by beating someone that much that I nearly do.
I first reported the sexual abuse, physical abuse, and the mental and emotional abuse to the Police in February 2010 and in May 2010 I went to see my new GP, Dr Simon Allen at Meden Medical Services as I was in need of anti-depressants and sleeping tablets and anxiety tablets and originally he put me on 10mg Citalopram for depression, 30mg x 3 a day of Propranolol and 50mg of Amitriptyline at night to help me sleep but over the next few visits I had to try other anti-depressants and eventually I was put on 50mg of Sertraline in place of Citalopram, 40mg x 3 of Propranolol for Anxiety and 100mg of Amitriptyline at night to help me sleep because my problems got that bad, but since seeing my psychiatrist I tried mirtazapine but had an allergic reaction to it, I was on 50mg of Trazadone for depression which went up to up to 100mg after two weeks but I had a severe allergic reaction to it so I had to come off it, I was also on 150mg of Pregabalin twice a day for anxiety but this ended as it wasn’t working that much. I am now on 150mg Amitriptyline at night for depression and insomnia and 100mg of Lamotgine in the morning to help with mood stabilisation and this is due to be raised over the next 12 months. I also take 5mg of Diazepam when needed in case my depression gets a lot worse or my anxiety gets worse, I have also been diagnosed with severe Agoraphobia and PTSD. In May 2010 my GP also referred me to a service in Nottinghamshire called Let’s Talk Well Being and I had my initial assessment in June 2010 and I was told that counselling would be the best way forward but I never heard anything back from them and I had to go back to my GP to re-apply and I had another assessment and this time I was told that Cognitive Behavioural Therapy would be the best path to take and in November 2011 I started this with Mr ****** ***** but I struggled to attend sessions as they were in Warsop which is a two 15 minutes away from me and I either had to walk there across main roads or get the bus but as I explained earlier I can’t walk anywhere and I had problems with the bus because it’s a limited service in to Mansfield and it gets very busy and on one occasion I started to feel anxious and I started to get very angry and I just ran off the bus before I started attacking other passengers. I was sweating profusely and I was vomiting when I got off the bus. The service through Mr ***** was only a 12 session treatment plan and Mr ****** told me that I would need a lot more longer term care and he discharged me from his service in March 2012 and referred me to the Mental Health team at Kings Mill in Mansfield and in October 2012 I had an assessment with them and Mr Mark ****** insulted me, didn’t really care what I told him, ignored me and told me that I behave like a child and that I should be able to attend any appointment anywhere when this isn’t the case and if he read my notes he would of known how bad I am. I eventually got a letter back from Mr ******* outlining key points and told me that I would need to attend sessions and I can’t miss any and that if I did he would discharge me so I had no choice but to complain to the NHS head office in Nottingham and I had to fight more to get more therapy and they were not having it for a while but I requested that I be sent to **** Mental Health Team instead in Worksop and I eventually got a letter from them telling me I had been assigned to a new worker called **** *****. When I first met *** she explained to me that when they received the referral and read what Mr E****** had put about me, they were very angry and could understand why I was as well and called him UN professional. I have only had a couple of appointments with ****** because of my own health and her own. I also cancelled some appointments due to the severity of my condition but I have attended the majority. ***** told me that I am going to need long term care and that it’s going to be a long healing process and that we are going to work on my time and she doesn’t want to rush anything and wants me to get better. I also mentioned to ***** that I need to see a psychiatrist and after nearly 4 years of waiting I got assigned to Dr *****based at Bassetlaw Hospital and I had my initial appointment with Dr ****** in February 2014 then a further appointment in March 2014 due to issues with a new medication that Dr ***** prescribed for me that I didn't react well with and that medication is Mitrazapine. I feel something is going UN diagnosed in my head and that I need more support so I don’t attempt to kill someone like my Uncle does, he has been seeing one for over 15 years now and still struggles severely.
In February 2015, after reacting badly to a medication called Trazadone, I was put on a mood stabiliser called Lamotrigine, I take 100mg at night and this will be raised over the next two months if it does work, if it doesn’t my psychiatrist will try me on another mood stabiliser.
I am also in the process of moving out of ******* to help me with my Anxiety and T***** has contacted the housing department at ****** County Council but she told me this could take a while as there are long lists, in January 2013 I was placed in the lowest band with Bassetlaw which is Band E, they refused medical grounds application as I don't live in the area even though all my support is in the ***** Area. T***** has also contacted the charity Framework to see if they can help me too. I am currently band 2 with ***** District Council and I have been since November 2011 and I am no way closer to getting moved even at band 2, band 1 is the highest, and this isn't even in the area I need to go in too. In December 2014 I signed up for the housing register in Sheffield as I have found out members of my ‘family’ reside in Worksop so it’s not safe for me.
I am currently getting ESA with the Support Group component (A4E also agree I am no way near ready for work) and I feel it would be best to stay on this for the foreseeable future as I need long term care and treatment and because I have severe mental health problems, and my CPN and Psychiatrist agree with this, that I am not suitable for work for the foreseeable future. I have over 23 years of severe mental health problems because of my step dad. By getting the support from ESA and now my CPN T*** and my psychiatrist I finally am starting to see the light at the end of a very dark tunnel, I have only been getting treatment sick January 2013 with my CPN and we’ve only had a few appointments, then February 2014 with my psychiatrist but progress is slow for obvious reasons, because my mental health is that bad, it is giving me slight hope and is slightly stopping me from wanting to end my life but only slightly, it’s going to be a long road to recovery and I need all the support I can get. I am also getting DLA because of my problems and that has recently been extended to 2015, however I will need to apply for PIP which I think I am eligible for in 2015 as my DLA will expire then. My GP after all this time is still sticking by me and agrees with **** and my psychiatrist that I need long term support and he will support me to every step of the way and will write any reports to back this up if needed and will also issue me with sick notes. I also have support from my local MP. I am not sitting on my back side drinking alcohol all day like a lot of people do, I don’t take illegal drugs like heroin like some people do when they’re on ESA, I don’t drink alcohol that often and the only time I have in the past is to try and end my life by drinking that much in a short space of time that I poison myself. I am trying my best to get better as I have explained but I need support and the support I am getting now is the most I have had in years and it’s helping me a lot but time is needed. The NHS haven’t really cared and I have had to fight and fight to get where I am today with them.
I would greatly appreciate if you could take all of the above in to consideration as well as the medical reports/evidence!!!!!! As it shows I am still in need of the same benefits and support I am currently receiving. I am trying to get mentally well again but it's proving severely difficult, you can see all the appointments I have had with health care professionals, I am not sitting around waiting for this to fix itself like a lot of people do, who take drugs and are alcoholics who do nothing about their mental health.
