ASK YODA

[Master Yoda]

Re: ASK YODA

My interest is in the future because I am going to spend the rest of my life there.
Charles Kettering, Social Philosopher

[Master Yoda]

Re: ASK YODA

There is no class so pitiably wretched as that which possesses money and nothing else.
Andrew Carnegie

[Master Yoda]

Re: ASK YODA

I feel sorry for people who don’t drink. They wake up in the morning and that’s the best they are going to feel all day.
Frank Sinatra

And THAT from someone who never had a CCJ waiting for him on the doormat.

[Master Yoda]

Re: ASK YODA

Mr K. Hunt 13 October 2010
The Bank Manager
Lloyds TSB Bank
High Street
Slough

Dear Bank Manager,

Account Master Yoda
Account No. 12345678


I am writing to thank you for bouncing the direct debit I have set up to pay my personal loan with Santander this month. By my calculations some three seconds must have elapsed between bouncing the direct debit and the arrival in my account of the funds needed to honour it. I refer, of course, to the automatic monthly deposit of my entire salary, an arrangement which, I admit, has only been in place for eighteen years.
You are to be commended for seizing that brief window of opportunity and also for debiting my account with £8.00 by way of penalty for the inconvenience I caused to your bank. Santander have also charged me £45.00 for the bounced direct debit. My thankfulness springs from the manner in which this incident has caused me to re-think my errant financial ways. You have set me on the path of fiscal righteousness.

No more will our relationship be blighted by these unpleasant incidents, for I am restructuring my affairs, taking as my model the procedures, attitudes and conduct of your bank. I can think of no greater compliment, and I know you will be excited and proud to hear it.

To this end, please be advised about the following changes:

First, I have noticed that whereas I personally attend to your telephone calls and letters, when I try to contact you I am confronted by the impersonal, ever-changing, pre-recorded, faceless entity which your bank has become. From now on I, like you, choose only to deal with a flesh and blood person.

My mortgage and loan repayments will, therefore and hereafter, no longer be automatic, but will arrive at your bank, by cheque, addressed personally and confidentially to an employee of your branch, whom you must nominate. You will be aware that it is an offence for any other person to open such an envelope.

Please find attached an Application which I require your chosen employee to complete. I am sorry it runs to eight pages but in order that I know as much about him or her as your bank knows about me, there is no alternative. Please note that all copies of his or her medical history must be certified by a solicitor and that the mandatory details of his/her financial situation (income, debts, assets and liabilities) must be accompanied by documented proof.

In due course I will issue your employee with a PIN number which he/she must quote in all dealings with me. I regret that it cannot be shorter than 28 digits but, again, I have modelled it on the number of button presses required to access my account balance on your phone bank service. As they say, imitation is the sincerest form of flattery.
Let me level the playing field even further by introducing you to my new telephone system, which you will notice, is very much like yours. My authorised contact at your bank, the only person with whom I will have any dealings, may call me at any time and will be answered by an automated voice.

By pressing Buttons on the phone, he/she will be guided thorough an extensive set of menus:

1. To make an appointment to see me
2. To query a missing repayment
3. To make a general complaint or inquiry
4. To transfer the call to my living room in case I am there; Extension of living room to be communicated at the time the call is received.
5. To transfer the call to my bedroom in case I am still sleeping. Extension of bedroom to be communicated at the time the call is received.
6. To transfer the call to my toilet in case I am attending to nature. Extension of toilet to be communicated at the time the call is received.
7. To transfer the call to my mobile phone in case I am not at home.
8. To leave a message on my computer. To leave a message a password to access my computer is required. Password will be communicated at a later date to the contact.
9. To return to the main menu and listen carefully to options 1 through 8. The contact will then be put on hold, pending the attention of my automated answering service. While this may on occasion involve a lengthy wait, uplifting music will play for the duration. This month I've chosen a refrain from The Best Of Woody Guthrie:

"Oh, the banks are made of marble With a guard at every door And the vaults are filled with silver That the miners sweated for"

After twenty minutes of that, our mutual contact will probably know it by heart. On a more serious note, we come to the matter of cost.

As your bank has often pointed out, the ongoing drive for greater efficiency comes at a cost. A cost which you have always been quick to pass on to me. Let me repay your kindness by passing some costs back.

First, there is the matter of advertising material you send me. This I will read for a fee of £12.00 per page. Inquiries from your nominated contact will be billed at £8.00 per minute of my time spent in response.
Any debits to my account, as, for example, in the matter of the penalty for the dishonoured direct debit, will be passed back to you.
My new phone service runs at £1.00 a minute (even Woody Guthrie doesn't come for free), so you would be well advised to keep your inquiries brief and to the point.
Regrettably but again following your example, I must also levy an establishment fee to cover the setting up of this new arrangement.
Yours faithfully,
Master Yoda

[stephen88]

Re: ASK YODA

yoda can you tell me the best independent debt charity which can offer an iva?

[Master Yoda]

Re: ASK YODA

Stephen88

Master Yoda's Top 4 Debt Charities

Debt Advice Foundation

Citizens Advice

CCCS

National Debtline

One to avoid is the JJJS, Jabba's Judge & Jury Service, an infamous intergalactic debt collection agency masquerading as a debt charity, which lands debtors with CCJs, or County Court Jabbas, and hunts them down like renegade Jedi.


Best for you to seek advice as to whether an IVA is the best way to go it is. A debt management plan often better is.

[stephen88]

Re: ASK YODA

what about an independent charity that isn't funded by creditors or government?

[The Debt Star]

Re: ASK YODA

Good question this is and meditate on it I shall. Most of the debt charities are bankrolled by the Empire.

However Christians Against Poverty (CAP) is I believe an independent charity. Try them you might. Although operate a postcode lottery for clients they do. :

[Master Yoda]

Re: ASK YODA

Empty cans make the most noise.

[jonny88]

Re: ASK YODA

I am pretty confident that there is no such thing as an independent charity that would offer an iva as the charity would need to be paid for by someone at some level.

[Master Yoda]

Re: ASK YODA

I am pretty confident that there is no such thing as an independent charity that would offer an iva as the charity would need to be paid for by someone at some level.

Contact CAP direct and find your answer you shall. Charities rely on private donations and I believe that CAP is not subsidized by lenders, unlike the CCCS.

Only a Sith deals in absolutes.
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We must all suffer from one of two pains: the pain of discipline or the pain of regret. The difference is discipline weighs ounces while regret weighs tons
Jim Rohn

[Master Yoda]

Re: ASK YODA

Patience and tenacity of purpose are worth more than twice their weight of cleverness.
-Thomas Huxley

[Master Yoda]

Re: ASK YODA

[Master Yoda]

Re: ASK YODA

Be more concerned with your character than your reputation, because your character
is what you really are, while your reputation is merely what others think you are.
John Robert Wooden (October 14, 1910 – June 4, 2010)

[Master Yoda]

Re: ASK YODA

"I really do think that any deep crisis is an opportunity to make your life extraordinary in some way."
Martha Beck, Author