Hi

[Paige93]

Difficult EX partner being difficult regarding childcare.
do I have to sing a letter written by them?

[Peridot]

Hi Paige93,
We're going to need a bit more information to see if we can give you any pointers. What is the letter that you are being asked to sign and what are the issues that are causing difficulties with childcare?

[Paige93]

So we've agreed on a Rota for childcare and his days. But the letter also has put in the letter that I need to sign to say that I can't obstruct him from applying for a passport and can't obstruct him from taken her abroad. Which atm I don't feel happy signing. As I feel like these can be discussed when that time arises .. also he is saying that it's my responsibility to drop her off and pick her up from her house. The background is that we had a baby together then he was having an affair and keft us for another woman .. he pays child maintince and he sees her 2 times a week. I have done mist tjings that he has asked within reason but I just find that everytime things seem to be going well he starts asking yet more demands just making things difficult for me .. hope that makes sense
thank you

[Peridot]

Hi Paige93,
Well done for managing to reach agreement on a large part of maintaining contact between your ex and your daughter.
I don't think it is unreasonable to expect discussions to take place at the time if he wishes to take your child abroad on holiday for example. Does the child have a passport already or is this something that would need to be arranged?
I assume he is on the birth certificate so has parental responsibility for the child? How old is your child?
You know your ex better than us of course, but would he accept an amended agreement, maybe something along the lines of Holidays to be agreed in advance and that you agree not to unreasonably withhold your permission for foreign holidays with the father?
Does he have any plans at the moment to take the child abroad on holiday or do you suspect this has a control element to it?
Sorry more questions than answers. It is of course in the child's best interest to have a relationship with both parents and that would include holidays together in the usual course of things but in my view it isn't unreasonable for that to be an ad hoc arrangement as there are so many things to sort out re childcare etc and the cost of last minute changes to arrangements if he felt it appropriate to give you a weeks notice for example, let alone nursery and school commitments.

[Paige93]

No doesn't have a passport yet . And yes he is on the birth certificate.
they are 18 months old.
I have a feeling he is wanting to take her away as in the letter he has stated 3 times about holidays and passports.
At the moement I just feel.like it's no appropriate for him to be taken her away when she is so little and,when he can't even go a week without trying to argue with me or be difficult and with his actions he isn't showing me that her best interests are his priority.

[Peridot]

Hi Paige93,
Really tough for you. At this time, bearing in mind your daughter's age, in my opinion it should be a discussion to be had when the holiday is possibly happening not written in stone that you will allow it whenever he feels the urge so to speak. Maybe keep the door open to ad hoc arrangements regarding holidays in the future. As far as a passport is concerned the application would require her birth certificate which I assume you have, or would it be possible for you to get her a passport and keep it with you?
Just thoughts, if you are really worried this could degenerate between you and your ex maybe see if you can find a family lawyer for a free half hour or reduced fee appointment just to discuss what options there are and what would be seen as reasonable by the Courts. It may just put your mind at rest knowing you would be backed in law if push came to shove. It probably won't come to that and it is always best if parents can try and reach agreement between them selves but it may make you feel more secure in the decisions you make now, if you see what I mean.
We're here if you need a sounding board or guidance.

[Paige93]

thank you, and also really quick question.
who's responsibility is it to pick her up and drop her off?
I personally feel the times that I need to be dropping her off and picking up aren't fair on her as they are super early and too late. it takes him 20 mins from his house to mine and because im living with parents they are there to to be able to look after her until im home, but he is saying its shared so I need to do it 50% of the time which if im not working or in the area then I would but based on the times that I get home I feel that its better for her for him to be picking her up and dropping her off.
hope that makes sense
many thanks

[Peridot]

Hi again,

It is one of the arrangements that should be agreed between you. 50/50 split doesn't always work depending on parents working lives or personal circumstances the relevant point is about the child's contact with the parent however that can be agreed. Will he not entertain the idea of more convenient arrangements and potentially more time for him to spend with his daughter? At the end of the day this should all be about what is best for her and if the early and late starts are disrupting her then maybe another solution needs to be found?

It does seem he is being a bit dogmatic about things. There needs to be flexibility on both sides for any arrangement to work. Some weeks it may not be convenient for a usual pick up and changes have to be made. Hopefully with time and once he realises you're not preventing contact he may calm down a bit and be more flexible.

It can be so difficult for all concerned trying to strike the right balance enabling good contact between the child and the parent they don't live with, that then also fits with the commitments the parent with more care has to deal with. It does not have to be a 50/50 split as far as collection and drop off is concerned but what works for you both, I'm afraid. Of course the Courts can decide all of these things for you if an application is made but it is stressful and costly. I would never advise this if there is a chance you can deal with matters between yourselves, even if it takes a while for things to bed in.

Maybe have a look at getting some free/reduced fee initial face to face advice so you know your options if things do go south. Hopefully things will improve and you'll both reach agreement in the longer term.