The Mental Health Hotline

[Kafka]

If found this again recently. An old one, but still funny.
It can help to keep you smiling even when you're stuck on the phone trying to get through to actually speak to a person.

Hello
Welcome to the Mental Health Hotline:

• If you are Obsessive-Compulsive, press 1 repeatedly
• If you are Co-Dependent, please ask someone to press 2 for you
• If you have Multiple Personalities press 3, 4, 5 and 6
• If you are Paranoid, we know who you are and what you want, stay on the line so we can trace your call
• If you are Delusional, press 7 and your call will be transferred to the Mother Ship
• If you are Schizophrenic, listen carefully and a small voice will tell you which number to press
• If you are Manic-Depressive, it doesn't matter which number you press, noone will answer
• If you are Dyslexic, press 96969696969696
• If you have a Nervous Disorder, please fidget with the # button until a representative comes on the line
• If you have Amnesia, press 8 and state your name, address, phone number, date of birth, social security number and your mother’s and grandmother’s maiden names
• If you have Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder, slowly and carefully press 911
• If you have Bi-Polar Disorder, please leave a message after the beep, or before the beep, or after the beep. Please wait for the beep
• If you have Short-Term Memory Loss, please try your call again later
• If you have Low Self Esteem, please hang up. All our representatives are busy.

[Imagine]

Grrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrr Keep pressin' 7 and the mother ship's not comin'! Grrrrrrrrrrrrr!!!!!!!!!!!!

[Tempty]

LOL I was reading this while waiting for snotty woman at vodfone to finally take me off hold and re-instate my phone....... paid the damn bill 2 days ago!!!!

Sooooooo wanted to start reading this out when she took me off LOL (ya know in that monotone recorded tone they allways use) had to bite me tounge a bit when she finally came back