I found this interesting

[scoobydoo]

"Charles Saatchi, on the other hand, appears to fit the category of the avoidant bully; a person who fears rejection rather than abandonment – perhaps because they felt unloved by a mother who kept them at arms’ length with irritability or aggression.

The child deals with the growing expectation of being spurned by getting their rejection in first.

The odd twist to the background of most abusers – and one that appears to defy logic – is that they will inflict violence on a partner in a warped attempt to keep them.
Afterwards, the offender will be so pitifully remorseful, the partner feels empowered and confers forgiveness.

For a time the power balance is reversed, but inevitably the cycle will start again. "



I read this today and found it very interesting. I have worked with a person who I have considered to be a bully for many years - but have only retaliated when he has been very aggressive as a defence reaction really. A lot of people have been intimidated him but we have all learned to live with it as up to recently he owned the company. But reading this just summed up a recent occurance. He wrote a stinging untrue unprofessional email to my self and a co-director. Then called me in to apologise . But as soon as he said sorry , almost in tears,he immediately insulted me by accusing me of having a "flinty" personality meaning I was sharp and argumentative.I do stand my ground sometimes but found his comments very annoying and of course I then told him I had only ever been rude when he has been rude to me first. Very true! So the cycle starts again .


So I thought the above comments rang very true. Anyone else had similar experience? ( and no I dont consider my situation as bad as Nigellas!)

[bluebottle]

Re: I found this interesting

Bullies are motivated by fear and it is usually fear of their shortcomings and inadequacies being exposed that motivates them to bully. Another motivating factor is jealousy of someone who is popular or more knowledgeable than the bully. In my experience, children who bully, more often than not, come from a family background where domestic violence or physical or psychological abuse is the norm.

[Hurricane Puffrose]

Re: I found this interesting

I used to work with a guy who hated the idea of a woman on British Rail, he would call me the Bird, the Wench and if he wanted me would shout STRUMPET down the platform to me.

I found out he had been left by his wife to raise 3 boys, and hated women as a sex, and so I became more laddish towards him, he would call me a name, I would return the favour.

One night, he was assaulted on the platform, and being reasonably slim at the time, I slid in and dragged him out, which earnt me a grudging "Thanks lass!" I thought I had made progress until I was dealing with a complaint and he barged past me snarling, Bloody women!!

I have been in Nigella's shoes, and I would love to tell her to leave him, that he DOESNT love her cos if he did, he wouldn't have hit her, but.. until she loves herself no one can do it for her!

[scoobydoo]

Re: I found this interesting

I get the feeling in her case if it had not been in the papers she would not have left.Which is quite sad.

I thought in my work situation it was sometimes my fault - as I wont put up with rudeness or being spoken down to-hence any problems in the work relationship were placed firmly at my door. Then we had a business mentor for a while who told my boss to his face he was a controlling bully. It did work for a while - then he slipped back into old habits

[Hurricane Puffrose]

Re: I found this interesting

there is always an underlying reason.

I cannot abide people walking behind me, freaks me out. I have been known to stop dead and make someone pass me, and I hope Nigella can be spared that.

The man I referred to use to wait until I had someone ask me a question and then push me out the way growling, Man thing this!

He did it one day and snapped "I suppose you're going to cry now" so I stuck out my Irish chin and snapped back "No but you will if you ever push me in to a door again Darling!"

[scoobydoo]

Re: I found this interesting

its hard to be sympathetic though when you are on the receiving end dont you think?

[Hurricane Puffrose]

Re: I found this interesting

oh god yeh!!
Fully agree with that!

I would sit and say to my boss "I don't care if he is a single dad, he's a NUMPTY!!" and then hate myself for it! I know it's hard and you must hate the person that has hurt you, but hurting someone else that knew nothing about it....

I even tried saying to him "You know, you've done an awesome job with your kids!" and i got "Alone yes."

[scoobydoo]

Re: I found this interesting

We have a customer who is the most rude and obnoxious man. Then I found out that his wife had run of with his kids and set up home - with another woman. That explained a lot - but still no excuse for taking it out on everyone else! His poor little man pride had been severely dented.

[Hurricane Puffrose]

Re: I found this interesting

yes its very sad.

I had one lovely lady who used to travel every day and one night she looked radiant, she asked for my full name and hugged me and said "new start from now"

I got a letter 6 weeks later, she had been a beaten wife and I would sit and hug her, say dont put up with it!! leave him!!

She had enough one night, packed her bags and went to America,..with his younger brother! kinda made me smile

[charitynjw]

Re: I found this interesting

http://www.mirror.co.uk/news/uk-news...aatchi-1981983

[Sapphire]

Re: I found this interesting

Having been on the receiving end of a 'Charles Saatchi' I can only say that no one will leave until the time is right for them.

[Inca]

Re: I found this interesting

I bet you find it hard to believe that Gobby Me was a severely battered wife.....so much so that the final beating landed me in ICU,,broken and battered BUT strong because just before the final blows I had drawn my fist back and punched him so hard in the face I fractured his cheekbone and ruptured his eardrum.
That punch gave me freedom,belief and finally COURAGE,,cos it does take courage to stand up to a bully.

[scoobydoo]

Re: I found this interesting

Crikey Inca, that IS courage ! I cant imagine what it must be like to live with someone who could do that. Did you only ever retaliate that once? And was he clever enough to make you think on previous occasions you were to blame for what happened. I worked with a girl once whose partner was absolutely charming -until he got the ring on her finger. Then she started coming into work with various injuries. She quite quickly ran out of excuses for them and luckily she got out quite quick - but it was so strange that he did nothing until they got married.

[scoobydoo]

Re: I found this interesting

I do wonder what my ex-boss is like at home . The worse he did to me was to be very aggressive right up in front of my face - very intimidating swearing and trying to get me to back into a corner - but without laying a finger on me. But I have heard him say actually really horrible things about his children ( who are actually lovely) . In fact for a long time he called his daughter "it" . I think that shows a real nasty side . I suppose you never know what goes on behind closed doors. Then another day he will come in and be completely lovely. Probably to keep you on your toes.

[Inca]

Re: I found this interesting

Oh,,he was glorious when we met..I was divorced with a young son,he was divorced with 2 kids,he had custody. He painted his ex wife as the Devil Incarnate and as she only saw her kids for one week a YEAR I believed him. What I didn't know was she was so bloody terrified of him she agreed to anything to keep him away.
He invited me to a wedding with him,,when I got there it was OUR wedding..with 2 of his friends as witnesses,and I stupidly went along with it..no family or friends..it seemed so decadent..so outrageously romantic..such a HUGE mistake.
The gentle playful pushes became that much harder,,holding my hand REALLY tightly when we were visiting my family and other such things..........I wasn't allowed to even speak to my Dr alone...he had to be there.
I kept quiet for the kids sake but they knew..
And yep,,I hit back only once..and I knew that when he got up from that punch I was in trouble...but it was worth it cos it freed me. He got arrested and I was safe...
If I ever saw him again I couldn't guarantee his safety....I'm a different person now.