The Joke Thread

[Delta]

Problem neighbours

We have a huge council house in our street.

The extended family is run by a grumpy old woman with a pack of fierce dogs.

Her car isn't taxed or insured, and doesn't even have a number plate, but the police still do nothing.

Her bad tempered old man is famous for upsetting foreigners with racist comments.

A shopkeeper blames him for ordering the murder of his son and his son's girlfriend, but nothing has been proved yet.

All their kids have broken marriages except the youngest, who everyone thought was gay.

Two grandsons are meant to be in the Army but are always seen out in nightclubs.

The family's odd antics are always in the papers. They are out of control...

Honestly - who'd live near Windsor Castle?

[iancognito]

Re: The Joke Thread

A husband took his wife to play her first game of golf and she promptly hacked her first shot right through the window of the biggest house on the course.
The husband cringed, “Honey, you’ve got to be careful. Now we’ll have to go up there, find the owner, apologize, and see how much your drive is going to cost us.”
The couple walked up to the house and knocked on the door. A warm voice said, “Come on in.”

When they opened the door they saw the damage that was done; glass was all over the place, and a broken antique bottle was lying on its side near the pieces of window glass. A man reclining on the couch asked,
“Are you the people who broke my window?”
“Uh ... yes, sir. We’re sure sorry about that,” the husband replied.
“Oh, no apology is necessary. Actually I want to thank you. You see, I’m a genie, and I’ve been trapped in that bottle for a thousand years. Now that you’ve released me, I’m allowed to grant three wishes. I’ll give you each one wish, but if you don’t mind, I’ll keep the last one for myself”.
“Wow, that’s great,” the husband said. He pondered a moment and blurted out, “I’d like a million dollars a year for the rest of my life.”
“No problem,” said the genie. “You’ve got it. It’s the least I can do. And I’ll guarantee you a long, healthy life as well.”
“And now you, young lady, what do you want?” the genie asked.
“I’d like to own a gorgeous home in every country in the world,” she said.
“Consider it done,” the genie said. “And your homes will always he safe from fire, burglary and natural disasters!”
“And now,” the couple asked in unison, ‘what’s your wish, genie?”
“Well, since I’ve been trapped in that bottle, and haven’t been with a woman in more than a thousand years, my wish is to be with your wife.”
The husband looked at his wife and said, ”Gee, honey, you know we both now have a fortune, and all those houses. What do you think?”
She mulled it over for a few moments and said to her husband, “You know, you’re right. Considering our good fortune, I guess I wouldn’t mind, but what about you?”
“You know I love you sweetheart,” said the husband. “I’d do the same for you”
So the genie and the woman went upstairs where they spent the rest of the afternoon. After about three hours non-stop, the genie rolled over and looked directly into her eyes and asked,
“How old are you and your husband?”
“Why, we’re both 35,” she responded breathlessly

“No kidding,” he said. “Thirty-five years old, …….and both of you still believe in genies?”

[iancognito]

Re: The Joke Thread

For all of us who are married, were married, wishthey were married, or wish they weren'tmarried, thisis something to smile about the next time you see a bottle of wine:
Sally was driving home from one of her business trips in Northern Arizona when she saw anelderly Navajo woman walking on the side of the road.
As the trip was a long and quiet one, she stopped the car and asked the Navajo woman if she would like a ride.
With a silent nod of thanks, the woman got into the car.
Resuming the journey, Sally tried in vain to make a bit of small talk with the Navajo woman. The oldwoman just sat silently, looking intently at everything she saw, studying every little detail, until she noticed a brown bag on the seat next to Sally.
'What in bag?' asked the old woman.
Sally looked down at the brown bag and said, 'It's a bottle of wine. I got it for my husband.'
The Navajo woman was silent for another moment or two.
Then speaking with the quiet wisdom of an elder, she said:
'Good trade.....'

[Paule]

Italian Tomato Garden

An old Italian lived alone in New Jersey. He wanted to plant his annual tomato garden, but it was very difficult work, as the ground was hard.

His only son, Vincent, who used to help him, was in prison. The old man wrote a letter to his son and described his predicament:

Dear Vincent,

I am feeling pretty sad, because it looks like I won't be able to plant my tomato garden this year. I'm just getting too old to be digging up a garden plot. I know if you were here my troubles would be over. I know you would be happy to dig the plot for me, like in the old days.

Love, Papa

A few days later he received a letter from his son.

Dear Pop,

Don't dig up that garden. That's where the bodies are buried.

Love, Vinnie

At 4 a.m. The next morning, FBI agents and local police arrived and dug up the entire area without finding any bodies. They apologized to the old man and left.

That same day the old man received another letter from his son.

Dear Pop,

Go ahead and plant the tomatoes now. That's the best I could do under the circumstances.

Love you, Vinnie

[Delta]

Re: The Joke Thread

Just got this from an American friend of mine

A lot of folks can't understand how we came to have an oil shortage here in our country.
~~~
Well, there's a very simple answer.
~~~
Nobody bothered to check the oil.
~~~
We just didn't know we were getting low.
~~~
The reason for that is purely geographical.
~~~
Our OIL is located in
~~~
ALASKA
~~~
California
~~~
Coastal Florida
~~~
Coastal Louisiana
~~~
Kansas
~~~
Oklahoma
~~~
Pennsylvania
and

Texas
~~~
~~~
Our
DIPSTICKS
are located in
Washington, DC

msl:

[TANZARELLI]

Re: Problem neighbours

We have a huge council house in our street.

The extended family is run by a grumpy old woman with a pack of fierce dogs.

Her car isn't taxed or insured, and doesn't even have a number plate, but the police still do nothing.

Her bad tempered old man is famous for upsetting foreigners with racist comments.

A shopkeeper blames him for ordering the murder of his son and his son's girlfriend, but nothing has been proved yet.

All their kids have broken marriages except the youngest, who everyone thought was gay.

Two grandsons are meant to be in the Army but are always seen out in nightclubs.

The family's odd antics are always in the papers. They are out of control...

Honestly - who'd live near Windsor Castle?

Like it :roll:

[Paule]

The Mechanic and the Heart Surgeon

A mechanic was removing the cylinder head from the engine of a Jaguar when he spotted a well-known heart surgeon in his garage.

The surgeon was waiting for the service manager to come and take a look at his car.

The mechanic shouted across the garage, "Hey, Doc, could I ask you a question?"

The surgeon, a bit surprised, walked over to the mechanic.

The mechanic straightened up, wiped his hands on a rag and asked, "So Doc, take a look at this engine. I open its heart, take valves out, fix 'em, put 'em back in, and when I finish, it works just like new. So how come I get such a small salary and you get the really big bucks when you and I are doing basically the same work?"

The surgeon paused, smiled and leaned over, and then whispered to the mechanic, "Try doing it with the engine running."