The Joke Thread

[harrismo]

Re: The Joke Thread

Absoluteley loved the poop joke. Laughed til I cried, and I couldn.t see a b****y thing.
My 6yr old went into histerics too.
Excellent stuff.

[Happyolddog]

Re: The Joke Thread

John Wayne toilet paper.

A little old lady goes into the store to do some shopping. She is bewildered over the large selection of toilet paper. "Pardon me, sir," she says to the store manager, "but can you explain the differences in all these toilet papers?"
"Well," he replies pointing out one brand, "this is as soft as a baby's bottom. It's $1.50 per roll." He grabs another and says, "This is nice and soft, strong but gentle, and it's $1.00 a roll." Pointing to the bottom shelf he tells her, "We call that our No Name brand, and it's 20 cents per roll."
"Give me the No Name," she says.
She comes back about a week later, seeks out the manager and says, "Hey! I've got a name for your No Name toilet paper. I call it John Wayne."
"Why?" he asks
. "Because it's rough, it's tough and it don't take crap from anybody!"
_________________

[TANZARELLI]

Re: The Joke Thread

Blonde Coffee Drinker A blonde says to a brunette, ''Excuse me, but each time I sip my coffee, my eye seems to hurt.'' The brunette says, ''Well maybe you should take the spoon out of the cup.''

[TANZARELLI]

Re: The Joke Thread

THE POPULAR MULE

A newlywed farmer and his wife were visited by her mother, who immediately demanded an inspection of the place. While they were walking through the barn, the farmer's mule suddenly reared up and kicked the mother-in-law in the head, killing her instantly.
At the funeral service a few days later, the farmer stood near the casket and greeted folks as they walked by. The pastor noticed that whenever a woman would whisper something to the farmer, he would nod his head "Yes" and say something. Whenever a man walked by and whispered to the farmer, he would shake his head, "No" and mumble a reply. Curious, the pastor later asked the farmer what that was all about.
The farmer replied, ''The women would say, 'What a terrible tragedy' and I would nod my head and say, 'Yes, it was.' The men would ask, 'You wanna sell that mule?' and I would shake my head and say, 'Can't. It's all booked up for a year.'"

[TANZARELLI]

Re: The Joke Thread

Love at First Sight

A man was eating in a fancy restaurant, and there was a gorgeous woman eating at the next table. He had been checking her out all night, but lacked the nerve to go talk to her. Suddenly she sneezed and her glass eye went flying out of its socket towards the man. With lightning quick reflexes, he caught it in mid-air.
''Oh my gosh, I am so sorry,'' she said as she popped her eye back in the socket. ''Let me buy you dinner to make it up to you.''
They enjoyed a wonderful dinner together and afterwards the woman invited him back to her place for a drink. They went back to her house, and after some time, she took him into her bedroom and began undressing him. The couple had wild, passionate sex many times during the night. The next morning when he awoke, she had already gotten up and brought him breakfast in bed.
The guy was amazed and said ''You know, you are the perfect woman. Are you this nice to every guy you meet?''
''No, she replied. "You just happened to catch my eye!''

[Paule]

Re: The Joke Thread

A traffic cop notes a car travelling at 85 mph in a 70 mph limit.

Putting on his lights and siren he follows the car and makes it pull over. He gets out of the patrol car and approaches the driver.

"Excuse me, sir", starts the officer, "are you aware you were been travelling at 85 mph in a 70mph area?"

"I'm sorry, orficer, you must be mistaken, I never break the speed limit".

"Oh, come on, Henry," says the other occupant in the car, Henry's wife,
"you know you always go at least 80 mph on this road if you think you can get away with it!"

"Will you shut up!!" shouts an annoyed Henry.

"Also sir, I notice your right hand rear light isn't working. I'm going to have to book you for that as well"

"Not working?", demands Henry. "Well, it certainly was this morning. It must have just blown only now."

"Now then Henry, you know that's not true", chips in wifey. "I've been nagging you to get that fixed since last week".

"Dammit, you stupid woman, will you keep your mouth shut!"

"Sir, there's something else. You were not wearing your seat belt.

"Of course I was", says Henry. "I just took it off when I stopped the car".

"Now then, Henry", chimes in the wife yet again. "You now how you always forget to buckle up. How many times have I told you?"

"For God's sake you silly b****, will you shut the hell up!"

The officer turns to Henry's wife. "Tell me madam, does your husband always speak to you like this?"

"Yes, he's always the same after he's had a few drinks....."

[Happyolddog]

Re: The Joke Thread

God comes down to Earth and says to this man,
"If you want to get into heaven , you will have to give up beer, cigs and sex"
A week later God reapears and asks the man how he has gone on.
"The beer and cigs were easy" he said "but the sex was a lot more difficult"
"What do mean" says God
"well I'd given up beer and cigs but I saw the wife bending over the freezer getting some meat out and I just had to sneak up behind her and have her"
"Wer'e not very keen on that sort of behaviour in heaven"says God.




"No they weren't too happy in Tesco's either" says the man.
_________________

[Happyolddog]

Re: The Joke Thread

Two women friends had gone for a girl's night out; both were faithful and loving wives......however, they had gotten over-enthusiastic on Bacardi Breezers. Incredibly drunk & walking home they needed to pee, so they stopped in the cemetery.

One of them had nothing to wipe with so she thought she would take off her panties and use them. Her friend however was wearing a rather expensive pair of panties and did not want to ruin them, but was lucky enough to squat down next to a grave that had a wreath with a ribbon on it, so she proceeded to wipe with that. After the girls finished they proceeded to go home.

The next day one of the women's husbands was concerned that his normally sweet and innocent wife was still in bed hung over, so he phoned the other husband and said, "These girl nights have got to stop. I'm starting to suspect the worst....my wife came home with no panties!

That's nothing" said the other husband, "Mine came back with a card stuck between the crack of her butt that read, "From all of us at the Fire Station......
We'll never forget you."
_________________

[Paule]

SAS, the Paras and the Police

The SAS, the Paras and the Police decide to go on a survival weekend together to see who comes out on top. After some basic exercises the trainer tells them that their next objective is to go down into the woods and catch a rabbit, returning with it ready to skin and cook.

Night falls.

First up - the SAS. They don infrared goggles, drop to the ground and crawl into the woods in formation. Absolute silence for 5 minutes, followed by the unmistakable muffled "phut-phut" of their trademark silenced double-tap. They emerge with a large rabbit shot cleanly between the eyes.

"Excellent!" remarks the trainer.

Next up - the Para's. They finish their cans of lager, smear themselves with camouflage cream, fix bayonets and charge down into the woods, screaming at the top of their lungs. For the next hour the woods ring with the sound of rifle and machine-gun fire, hand grenades, mortar bombs and blood curdling war cries. Eventually they emerge, carrying the charred remains of a rabbit.

"A bit messy, but you achieved the aim; well done", says the trainer.

Lastly, in go the coppers, walking slowly, hands behind backs whistling Dixon of Dock Green. For the next few hours, the silence is only broken by the occasional crackle of a walkie-talkie "Sierra Lima Whisky Tango Fanta One, suspect headed straight for you..." etc. After what seems an eternity, they emerge escorting a squirrel in handcuffs.

"What the hell do you think you are doing?" asks the incredulous trainer, Take this squirrel back and get me a rabbit like I asked you five hours ago!

So back they go. Minutes pass. Minutes turn to hours, night drags on and turns to day. The next morning, the trainer and the other teams are awakened by the police, still holding the handcuffed squirrel, now covered in bruises with one eye nearly shut.

"Are you taking the ****!!??" asks the now seriously irate trainer.

The police team leader nudges the squirrel, who squeaks: "Alright, alright, I'm a f#ckin' rabbit!"

[Happyolddog]

Re: The Joke Thread

A man wakes up in hospital, bandaged from head to foot.



The doctor comes in and says 'Ah, I see you've regained consciousness. Now you probably won't remember, but you were in a pile-up on the motorway.' 'You're going to be OK, you'll walk again, everything, but something happened. I'm trying to break this gently but your willy was chopped off in the wreck and we were unable to find it.'



Now the bloke groans a bit but the doctor goes on, 'You've got £9000 compensation coming to you and we have the technology now to build you a new willy that will work as well as your old one did, better in fact. But the thing is, it doesn't come cheap. It's a thousand pounds an inch.'



The bloke perks up at this.



'So the thing is' the doctor says, 'it's for you to decide how many inches you want. But it's something you'd better discuss with your wife. I mean, if you had a five inch one before and you decide to go for a nine incher she might be a bit put out. But if you had a nine inch one before and you decide only to invest in a five incher this time she might be disappointed. So it's important that she plays a role in helping you make the decision.'



So the bloke agrees to talk with his wife and the doctor comes back the next day.



'So' says the doctor 'Have you spoken with your wife?'



'I have.' says the fellow.



'And has she helped you in making the decision?'



'She has' says the bloke.



'And what is it?' asks the doctor. . .



"She'd rather have a new kitchen"
_________________

[thephoenix]

Re: The Joke Thread

Second Opinion!

The doctor said, "Joe, the good news is I can cure your headaches. The bad news is that it will require castration.
You have a very rare condition, which causes your testicles to press on your spine and the pressure creates one hell of a headache. The only way to relieve the pressure is to remove the testicles."
Joe was shocked and depressed. He wondered if he had anything to live for.
He had no choice but to go under the knife. When he left the hospital, he was without a headache for the first time in 20 years, but he felt like he was missing an important part of himself.

As he walked down the street, he realized that he felt like a different person. He could make a new beginning
and live a new life. He saw a men's clothing store and thought, "That's what I need... A new suit."
He entered the shop and told the salesman, "I'd like a new suit."
The elderly tailor eye d him briefly and said, "Let's see... size 44 long."
Joe laughed, "That's right, how did you know?"
"Been in the business 60 years!" the tailor said.
Joe tried on the suit.. It fit perfectly.
As Joe admired himself in the mirror, the salesman asked, "How about a new shirt?"
Joe thought for a moment and then said, "Sure."
The salesman eyed Joe and said, "Let's see, 34 sleeves and 16-1/2 neck."
Joe was surprised, That's right, how did you know?"
"Been in the business 60 years."
Joe tried on the shirt and it fit perfectly.
Joe walked comfortably around the shop and the salesman asked, "How about some new underwear?"
Joe thought for a moment and said, "Sure."
The salesman said, "Let's see... size 36.
Joe laughed, "Ah ha! I got you, I've worn a size 34 since I was 18 years old."
The salesman shook his head, "You can't wear a size 34. A size 34 would press your testicles up against the base of your spine and give you one
hell of a headache."

New suit - £300
New shirt - £25
New underwear - £9
Second Opinion - PRICELESS

[thephoenix]

Re: The Joke Thread

A teacher asked her class to make a sentence using the word "fascinate".

Molly put up her hand up and said, "My family went to my granddad's farm, and we all saw his pet sheep. It was fascinating."

The teacher said, "That was good, but I wanted you to use the word "fascinate, not fascinating".

Sally raised her hand. She said, "My family went to see Rock City and I was fascinated."

The teacher said, "Well, that was good Sally, but I wanted you to use the word "fascinate."

Little Johnny raised his hand. The teacher hesitated because she had been burned by Little Johnny before. She finally decided there was no way he could damage the word "fascinate", so she called on him.

Johnny said, "My aunt Gina has a sweater with ten buttons, but her tits are so big she can only fasten eight."

The teacher sat down and cried.

[pam1]

Re: The Joke Thread

Farmers were shocked to find out Lambs had Blue Tongue,
But were more confussed to how they used mobile phones.

[TANZARELLI]

Re: The Joke Thread

LOL Pheonix

[Paule]

Re: The Joke Thread

Two monkeys in the bath,

One says 'oooh oooh ahh ahh ahh'

The other one says 'Put some cold in then!'