The Joke Thread

[Happyolddog]

A stranger was seated next to a little girl on an airplane when the stranger turned to her and said,

"Let's talk. I've heard that flights go quicker if you strike up a conversation with your fellow passenger."

The little girl, who had just opened her book, closed it slowly and said to the stranger,

"What would you like to talk about?"

"Oh, I don't know", said the stranger,

"How about nuclear power?"

"OK," she said.

"That could be an interesting topic. But let me ask you a question first.

A horse, a cow, and a deer all eat grass, the same stuff.

Yet a deer excretes little pellets, while a cow turns out a flat patty, and a horse produces clumps of dried grass.

Why do you suppose that is?"

The stranger thinks about it and says, "Wow, I have no idea."

To which the little girl replies,

"Do you really feel qualified to discuss nuclear power when you don't even know that

[Delta]

Re: The Joke Thread

Teacher in a one room school house comes in one morning to find a
nice apple on her desk - with "TOT". Knowing she had
some not-so-nice pranksters in her class, she cautiously asked, "Can
someone explain 'TOT' to me?" Little Suzy on the front row raised
her hand and explained "It means 'To Our Teacher." So that was OK.
Next morning she comes in and there was a bigger, prettier apple on
her desk - with "TOTWL" written on it. Less worried she asks "who
can explain this note?" Little Johnny waved his hand frantically on
the front row. "That means 'To Our Teacher With Love'". So that was
also OK.
Next morning she comes in and there's this great big watermelon on
her desk - with "****" written on it! Taken aghast, she blurts out,
"Who can explain this!?!" A little black boy in the back row raises
his hand and explains "That means 'From Us Colored Kids.'"

[Delta]

Re: The Joke Thread

Damn nawty words filter!

[Paule]

Re: The Joke Thread

Q: If a blonde and a brunette are tossed off a building, who hits the ground first? A: The brunette. The blonde has to stop to ask for directions.



Q: How are men like UFOs?
A:You don't know where they come from, what their mission is, or what time they're going to take off.

[Happyolddog]

Re: The Joke Thread

A Dog Named Sex (this one is from an American friend)

Everybody I know who has a dog usually calls him "Rover" or "Spot". I call mine Sex. Now, Sex has been very embarrassing to me. When I went to the City Hall to renew the dog's license, I told the clerk that I would like a license for Sex. He said, "I would like to have one too!" Then I said, "But she is a dog!" He said he didn't care what she looked like. I said, "You don't understand. ... I have had Sex since I was nine years old." He replied, "You must have been quite a strong boy." When I decided to get married, I told the minister that I would like to have Sex at the wedding. He told me to wait until after the wedding was over. I said, "But Sex has played a big part in my life and my whole world revolves around Sex." He said he didn't want to hear about my personal life and would not marry us in his church. I told him everyone would enjoy having Sex at the wedding. The next day we were married at the Justice of the Peace. My family was barred from the church from then on.

When my wife and I went on our honeymoon, I took the dog with me. When we checked into the motel, I told the clerk that I wanted a room for me and my wife and a special room for Sex. He said that every room in the motel is a place for sex. I said, "You don't understand. ... Sex keeps me awake at night." The clerk said, "Me too!"

One day I entered Sex in a contest. But before the competition began, the dog ran away. Another contestant asked me why I was just looking around. I told him that I was going to have Sex in the contest. He said that I should have sold my own tickets. "You don't understand," I said, "I hoped to have Sex on TV." He called me a show off.

When my wife and I separated, we went to court to fight for custody of the dog. I said, "Your Honor, I had Sex before I was married but Sex left me after I was married." The Judge said, "Same here!"

Last night Sex ran off again. I spent hours looking all over for her. A cop came over and asked me what I was doing in the alley at 4 o'clock in the morning. I said, "I'm looking for Sex." -- My case comes up next Thursday.
_________________

[iancognito]

Re: The Joke Thread

Stick with it! Some of these are actually half good!



This lorry full of tortoises collided with a van full of terrapins.
It was a turtle write off.

I told my girlfriend I had a job in a bowling alley.
She said "Tenpin?" I said, "No, permanent."

My mate is in love with two schoolbags.
He's bisatchel.

I went to the doctor. I said to him "I'm frightened of lapels." He
said, "You've got cholera."

I met the bloke who invented crosswords today.
I can't remember his name, it's P something T something R.

I was reading this book today, The History Of Glue.
I couldn't put it down.

I went in to a pet shop. I said, "Can I buy a goldfish?"
The guy said, "Do you want an aquarium?"
I said, "I don't care what star sign it is."

I met this bloke with a didgeridoo and he was playing Dancing Queen on
it. I thought, "That's Aboriginal."

Batman came up to me and he hit me over the head with a vase and he
went T'PAU!
I said "Don't you mean KAPOW??
He said "No, I've got china in my hand."

I was at a Garden Centre and I asked for something herby. They gave me
a Volkswagen with no driver.

I bought some Armageddon cheese today, and it said onthe packet.
'Best Before End'

I went to buy a watch, and the man in the shop said "Analogue." I said
"No, just a watch."

I went into a shop and I said, "Can someone sell me a kettle." The
bloke said "Kenwood" I said, "Where is he then?"

I phoned the local ramblers club today, but the bloke who answered
just went on and on.

The recruitment consultant asked me "What do you think of voluntary
work? I said "I wouldn't do it if you paid me."

I was in the jungle and there was this monkey with a tin opener. I
said, "You don't need a tin opener to peel a banana." He said, "No,
this is for the custard."

This policeman came up to me with a pencil and a piece of very thin
paper. He said, "I want you to trace someone for me."

I told my mum that I'd opened a theatre.
She said, "Are you having me on?"
I said, "Well I'll give you an audition, but I'm not promising you
anything."

I phoned the local builders today, I said to them "Can I have a skip
outside my house?"
He said, "I'm not stopping you!"

This cowboy walks in to a German car showroom and he says "Audi!"

I fancied a game of darts with my mate. He said, "Nearest the bull
goes first"
He went "Baah" and I went "Moo"
He said "You're closest"

I was driving up the motorway and my boss phoned me and he told me I'd
been promoted. I was so shocked I swerved the car.
He phoned me again to say I'd been promoted even higher and I swerved
again. He then made me managing director and I went right off into a
tree. The police came and asked me what had happened. I said "I
careered off the road"

I visited the offices of the RSPCA today.
It's tiny: you couldn't swing a cat in there.

I was stealing things in the supermarket today while balanced on the
shoulders of a couple of vampires.
I was charged with shoplifting on two counts.

I bought a train ticket to France and the ticket seller said
"Eurostar" I said "Well I've been on telly but I'm no Dean Martin.

I phoned the local gym and I asked if they could teach me how to do
the splits. He said, "How flexible are you?" I said, "I can't make
Tuesdays or Thursdays."

I went to the local video shop and I said, "Can I take out The
Elephant Man?" He said, "He's not your type." I said "Can I borrow
Batman Forever?" He said, "No, you'll have to bring it back tomorrow"

[Happyolddog]

Re: The Joke Thread

Q/. Why are men like floor tiles?






A/. Lay them right the first time and you can walk all over them for the rest of your life.....!

[Delta]

Re: The Joke Thread

Passed to me by an American friend

Blue Pigeon
The mayor of Phoenix was very worried about a plague of pigeons in Phoenix.

The mayor could not remove the pigeons from the city. All of Phoenix was full of pigeon poop. The people of Phoenix couldn't walk on the sidewalks or drive on the roads. It was costing a fortune to try to keep the streets and sidewalks clean.

One day a man came to City Hall and offered the Mayor proposition. "I can rid your beautiful city of its plague of pigeons without cost
to the city. But, you must promise not to ask me any questions. Or, you can pay me five million dollars and ask one question."

The mayor considered the offer briefly and accepted the free
proposition.

The next day the man climbed to the top of City Hall, opened his coat, and released a blue pigeon. The blue pigeon circled in the air and flew up into the bright blue Arizona sky. All the pigeons in Phoenix saw the blue pigeon. They gathered up behind the blue pigeon.

The Phoenix pigeons followed the blue pigeon as she flew southward out of the city.

The next day the blue pigeon returned completely alone to the man a top City Hall. The Mayor was very impressed. He thought the man and the blue pigeon had performed a wonderful miraculous feat to rid Phoenix of the plague of pigeons.

Even though the man with the pigeon had charged nothing, the mayor presented him with a check for 5 million dollars and told the man that, indeed, he did have a question to ask and even though they had agreed to no fee and the man had rid the city of pigeons, he decided to pay the 5 million just to get to ask ONE question.

The man accepted the money and told the mayor to ask his question.

The mayor asked: "Do you have a blue Mexican?"

[Happyolddog]

Re: The Joke Thread

One day whilst Noah was relaxing in his garden he heard a booming voice come from above which said "Noah, this is God, the almighty, and I have a request of you."

Noah jumped up and said "Of course God, I will do whatever you please"

God then explained it was his wish that Noah built an ark.

"But why God?" - said Noah.

"Do not question me Noah. It is my order that you build me an ark with 7 floors"

Although Noah was still bemused he respected God and began the tiresome work of building a huge wooden ark with 7 floors.

When Noah had almost finished God spoke to him once again and said "Noah, it is also my wish that you go into the sea and catch lots of carp - hundreds and hundreds of carp and then I want you to put them all into the ark"

Noah was so confused but it was God's wish and so he traipsed into the sea and for 5 days just caught carp until he felt he had enough, took them back to the ark and went on to place every last one inside and fill every floor.

When the task was completed Noah looked up into the sky and said "Please God, I have done what you asked of me - can you now tell me why you have made me do this for you?"

After a few moments silence God replied and said "I don't know, I guess I was just bored and wanted you to build me a multi-storey carp ark.

[Happyolddog]

Re: The Joke Thread

Little Johnny Joke.

In a School science class four worms were placed into four separate jars.

The first worm was put into a jar of alcohol.
The second worm was put into a jar of cigarette smoke.
The third worm was put into a jar of sperm.
The fourth worm was put into a jar of soil.

After one day, these were the results:
The first worm in alcohol --- dead.
The second worm in cigarette smoke --- dead.
The third worm in sperm --- dead.
The fourth worm in soil --- alive.

So the science teacher asked the class --- "What can you learn from this experiment."


The class scratched their heads.-------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------Then



little Johnny quickly raised his hand and said. "As long as you drink, smoke and have sex, you won't have worms

[Happyolddog]

Re: The Joke Thread

A rabbit one day managed to break free from the testing laboratory where he had been born and brought up. As he scurried away from the fencing of the compound, he felt grass under his little feet and saw the dawn breaking for the first time in his life. 'Wow, this is great,' he thought.

It wasn't long before he came to a hedge and, after squeezing under it he saw a wonderful sight, lots of other bunny rabbits, all free and nibbling at the lush grass. 'Hey,' he called. 'I'm a rabbit from the laboratory and I've just escaped. Are you wild rabbits? 'Yes. Come and join us,' they cried. Our friend hopped over to them and started eating the grass. It tasted so good.

'What else do you wild rabbits do?' he asked. 'Well,' one of them said. 'You see that field there? It's got carrots growing in it. We dig them up and eat them.' This, he couldn't resist and he spent the next hour eating the most succulent carrots. They were wonderful.

Later, he asked them again, 'What else do you do?' 'You see that field there? It's got lettuce growing in it. We eat them as well.' The lettuce tasted just as good and he returned a while later completely full.
'So are you going to live with us then?' one of them asked.
'I'm sorry, I had a great time but I can't.'
The wild rabbits all stared at him, a bit surprised. 'Why? We thought you liked it here.' --------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
'I do,' our friend replied. 'But I must get back to the laboratory. I'm dying for a cigarette
--------------------------------------------------------

[Delta]

Woman on 11th Husband

A lawyer married a woman who had previously divorced ten husbands. On their wedding night, she told her new husband, Please be gentle; Im still a virgin.
What? said the puzzled groom. How can that be if youve been married ten times?
Well, Husband #1 was a Sales Representative; he kept telling me how great it was going to be.
Husband #2 was in Software Services; he was never really sure how it was supposed to function, but he said hed look into it and get back to me.
Husband #3 was from Field Services; he said everything checked out diagnostically but he just couldnt get the system up.
Husband #4 was in Telemarketing; even though he knew he had the order, he didnt know when he would be able to deliver.
Husband #5 was an Engineer; he understood the basic process but wanted three years to research, implement, and design a new state-of-the-art method.
Husband #6 was from Finance and Administration; he thought he knew how, but he wasnt sure whether it was his job or not.
Husband #7 was in Marketing; although he had a nice product, he was never sure how to position it.
Husband #8 was a psychiatrist; all he ever did was talk about it.
Husband #9 was a gynaecologist; all he did was look at it.
Husband#10 was a stamp collector; all he ever did was.... God! I miss him!!!
But now that Ive married you, Im really excited!
Good, said the lawyer, but, why?
Duh! Youre a lawyer. This time I know Im gonna get screwed!

[Happyolddog]

Re: The Joke Thread

ONE LINERS.

I met this bloke with a didgeridoo and he was playing Dancing Queen on it. I thought, "That's Aboriginal."

This lorry full of tortoises collided with a van full of terrapins. It was a turtle disaster.

I told my girlfriend I had a job in a bowling alley. She said "Tenpin?" I said, "No, permanent."

I went in to a pet shop. I said, "Can I buy a goldfish?" The guy said, "Do you want an aquarium?" I said, "I don't care what star sign it is."

I was at a Garden Centre and I asked for something herby. They gave me a Volkswagen with no driver.

Batman came up to me and he hit me over the head with a vase and he went “T'PAU!” I said "Don't you mean KAPOW?? He said "No, I've got china in my hand."

I bought some Armageddon cheese today, and it said on the packet. 'Best Before End'

I went to buy a watch, and the man in the shop said "Analogue." I said "No, just a watch."

I went into a shop and I said, "Can someone sell me a kettle." The bloke said "Kenwood" I said, "Where is he then?"

My mate is in love with two schoolbags. He's bisatchel.

I went to the doctor. I said to him "I'm frightened of lapels." He said, "You've got cholera."

I met the bloke who invented crosswords today. I can't remember his name, it's P something T something R.

I was reading this book today, The History Of Glue. I couldn't put it down.

I phoned the local ramblers club today, but the bloke who answered just went on and on.

The recruitment consultant asked me "What do you think of voluntary work?? I said "I wouldn't do it if you paid me."

I was in the jungle and there was this monkey with a tin opener. I said, "You don't need a tin opener to peel a banana." He said, "No, this is for the custard."

This policeman came up to me with a pencil and a piece of very thin paper. He said, "I want you to trace someone for me."

I told my mum that I'd opened a theatre. She said, "Are you having me on?" I said, "Well I'll give you an audition, but I'm not promising you anything."

I phoned the local builders today. I said to them "Can I have a skip outside my house?" He said, "I'm not stopping you!"

This cowboy walks in to a German car showroom and he says "Audi!"

I fancied a game of darts with my mate. He said, "Nearest the bull goes first" He went "Baah" and I went "Moo" He said "You're closest"

I was driving up the motorway and my boss phoned me and he told me I'd been promoted. I was so shocked I swerved the car. He phoned me again to say I'd been promoted even higher and I swerved again. He then made me managing director and I went right off into a tree. The police came and asked me what had happened. I said "I careered off the road"

I visited the offices of the RSPCA today. It's tiny: you couldn't swing a cat in there.

I was stealing things in the supermarket today while balanced on the shoulders of a couple of vampires. I was charged with shoplifting on two counts.

I bought a train ticket to France and the ticket seller said "Eurostar" I said "Well I've been on telly but I'm no Dean Martin.

I phoned the local gym and I asked if they could teach me how to do the splits. He said, "How flexible are you?" I said, "I can't make Tuesdays or Thursdays."

I went to the local video shop and I said, "Can I take out The Elephant Man?" He said, "He's not your type." I said "Can I borrow Batman Forever?" He said, "No, you'll have to bring it back tomorrow"

[Happyolddog]

Re: The Joke Thread

A panda walks into a restaurant, sits down and orders a sandwich. He eats the sandwich, pulls out a gun and shoots the waiter dead. As the panda stands up to go, the manager shouts, "Hey! Where are you going? You just shot my waiter and you didn't pay for your sandwich!"

The panda yells back at the manager, "Hey man, I'm a PANDA! Look it up in your dictionary"

The manager opens his dictionary and sees the following definition for panda: "A tree dwelling marsupial of Asian origin, characterized by distinct black and white coloring. Eats shoots and leaves."
----------------------------------

[iancognito]

Re: The Joke Thread

That is a considerably cleaner version than the last one I heard