The First Time He Hit Me

[Tivoli]

Was seven years into our relationship, I hadn't even realised that the constant verbal undermining should have been a warning because I just felt so inadequate. He apologised profusely for the punch in the face and swore (hand on heart) that it would never happen again. I gave him a second chance.

The second time he hit me was a good 18 months-to-2 years later. I considered throwing him out on the street there and then but by that time his son was also living in my flat, along with his girlfriend, and we had booked a holiday to Goa, which I really fancied.

The Goa holiday morphed into a two-and-a-half month tour of the Far East during which the constant undermining was really bothering me, but it is very difficult to run away from the North coast of Borneo when your flights are booked from Bangkok some several weeks into the future.

And so I settled into a routine of verbal undermining (no physical violence at that stage).

But, as I'm sure you are very well aware, it developed into a pattern and the physical violence increased until it was weekly.

Twice I attended A&E for stitches, but by that stage I had come to believe that if only I tried harder, he would be happier and it would cease.

So when we found a place in Greece to start a new life I fully believed that we would both be happy and he would behave in the way that happy people normally do.

The Greek estate agent advised us that we would be a whole lot better off financially if we were married, and so I went along with that.

I had bought a flat in London five years before I met him, though naturally enough it was another twenty before I had paid off the mortgage in full.

Despite our idyllic lifestyle in Greece, the violence escalated and eventually I left for fear of my personal safety. He promised me (hand on heart) that he would never hit me again so I returned. And he never did hit me again. Result!

I believed that if he could be cured of physical violence he could just as easily be cured of all his other controlling behaviours, but I was mistaken. Shouting and swearing in my face at home, as well as rudeness and ridicule in public increased.

I finally walked out after more than 27 years together. I told him he could keep the Greek property and I would keep the flat I had bought before I met him.

But he's not having that. My flat is worth more than the Greek property and he wants everything split straight down the middle.

I have engaged a really top-notch lawyer in whom I have every confidence, but my female friends keep asserting that in cases of domestic abuse I should have more rights, and that assets should not be split 50/50.

At their behest I have tried phoning “Rights of Women” but their line is constantly busy, no doubt with women whose problems and needs far outweigh mine, which is why I have decided to put this one here.

In family law, when no children are involved, are assets ever split along lines other than 50/50 in cases of domestic abuse? And if so, presumably I need to get hold of A&E or police records to prove that. And show it to whom? My lawyer? His lawyer? Our mediator? The divorce court?

If you can help me, I'd be very grateful. I am looking for hard facts, not moral opinion. We all know the difference between what is fair and what is law.

Thank you for taking the time to read this.

[Peridot]

Hi Tivoli,

What a nightmare it has been for you. Please hold onto the thought that you have now been strong enough to say that's enough. It will be difficult but you will get there and well done getting this far. This will I'm afraid turn into a bit of an essay as there are a number of factors that the Court will consider when dealing with the finances at the end of a marriage if the party cannot agree things between themselves. Unfortunately the fact you owned a property for a short time before you married will probably not swing the balance more your way bearing in mind this will be classed as a long marriage.

Right so under the Matrimonial Causes Act 1973 (section 25) the Court must have regard to ‘all the circumstances of the case’. This means that the court must look at all of the relevant issues in every case, which includes issues that are not specifically addressed in the s 25 checklist. The Court must also give first consideration to the welfare of a child/children of the family who has not attained the age of 18. In practical terms, that often means meeting the housing and income needs of the children of the family.

The checklist is not set out in any particular order of priority but depending on the facts of a case, some factors may be given more weight than others. The factors are:

• the income, earning capacity, property and other financial resources that each of the parties to the marriage has or is likely to have in the foreseeable future, including in the case of earning capacity any increase in that capacity that it would be reasonable to expect a party to the marriage to take steps to acquire
• the financial needs, obligations and responsibilities that each of the parties to the marriage has or is likely to have in the foreseeable future
• the standard of living enjoyed by the family before the breakdown of the marriage
• the age of each party to the marriage and the duration of the marriage
• any physical or mental disability of either of the parties to the marriage
• the contributions that each of the parties has made or is likely in the foreseeable future to make to the welfare of the family, including any contribution by looking after the home or caring for the family
• the conduct of each of the parties, if that conduct is such that it would in the opinion of the court be inequitable to disregard it (BUT see further down for types of examples that may affect the split)
• the value to each of the parties to the marriage of any benefit that a party will lose the chance of acquiring due to the divorce.

The court has a duty in all cases involving divorce and nullity proceedings (but not judicial separation) to consider whether a clean break can be achieved.

Behaviour or conduct will rarely be relevant, except where it would be ‘inequitable to disregard it’. Even if unreasonable behaviour grounds are included in a petition, that is an entirely separate issue to pursuing conduct arguments within financial order proceedings.

The sort of conduct that may influence the Court in making their decision would have to be significant. Although not reducing the impact of the abuse that you may have suffered in the past the sort of conduct that would be considered according to previous cases that have been decided have included examples such as

• the husband sexually assaulting his grandchildren, taking and making indecent photographs of them and communicating this on the internet was conduct that amounted to 'the grossest breach of trust'
• a wife’s involvement in the husband’s suicide attempts to gain assets
• an attack after decree absolute that resulted in rendering a party virtually unemployable

Even if a finding of ‘gross and obvious’ conduct is made by the Court, it will not necessarily result in all financial claims of the perpetrator being prevented. The finding would be one of the circumstances of the case that would provide the basis of an argument to depart from the 50/50 split which is the starting point before considering all the s.25 factors.

Hopefully this makes things clearer for you. I'm sorry it is probably not what you wanted to hear but it does give you an insight into what things are considered when dividing the assets between you. As I mentioned above the starting point would be a 50/50 split of all assets between you but the other factors are looked at to see if there is a reason to depart from that initial split.

Here for support if you need us or if we can try and help explain anything further for you.

[Tivoli]

Thank you so much for this! That is exactly as I thought. It means that I can continue to have every confidence in my lawyer and politely explain to my female friends that this is a divorce case, not a criminal one. It means I won't have to waste the time of the people on the busy phone-lines who are actually working hard to help women who are not as safe and secure as I am now.

However, after the division of assets is agreed and we have got our decree absolute, presumably there is nothing to prevent me from filing a civil case against him for GBH, assuming I can collect enough evidence and can afford to kick it off.

You have been wonderfully helpful! Thank you so much for taking the time

[Peridot]

Hi again,
I'm glad you are safe now. As far as a civil case is concerned it would be a trespass against the person claim. GBH and ABH are criminal matters. You may have a hill to climb if reports were not made to the police and with it being so long after the specific instances I'm not sure how successful you would be. It would be sensible to get some face to face advice on this from a litigation specialist. You could also contact domestic violence organisations for advice on what options may be open to you.
The CAB has some information and pointers here:- https://www.citizensadvice.org.uk/fa...nce-and-abuse/ but as I've already mentioned you may not be able to claim unless the situation is continuing. It would be a good idea to get a diary setting out all the specifics and continuing with any further issues that happen.
All the best and do keep shout if you need anymore pointers we may be able to help.

[Tivoli]

Thanks so much!
I'll get through the divorce first I think and then begin to examine other ideas after that. It's nice to have happy imaginations to go to sleep with at night though :-)

Because my two visits to A&E requiring stitches were only six weeks apart, it raised alarm bells straight away and a police officer visited my in my curtained cubicle offering me protection (which I stupidly declined). I imagine that either the police, or the hospital, or social services might have something on record. You'd hope so wouldn't you?

Anyway, thanks so much for helping to take the pressure off. You have helped me to have more faith in my own understanding of how the law works.

You're a star!
Thank you!