Help for daughter with unreasonable husband with dissability

[shimeld]

Hi I hope someone can help.

I don't want to go into any personal details but my daughter is living in a very strained relationship with her husband of three years.

He has suffered from a severe form of arthritis since childhood which he claims was improved greatly by living in a warmer climate for a few years. He takes a very powerful treatment by injection which seems to offer some relief however he is taking a cannabis oil derivative or THC which he takes via a Vape.

I'm not sure if this is offering any medicinal help and from what we have been told by my daughter his behaviour has become intolerable.

The doctors and specialist seem to be useless and we have been told that he should be getting physio and hydrotherapy but has been offered none of this.

He is checking her phone and emails, taking videos of her when drunk and saving them as like evidence to cloud based storage. He is also monitoring and recording the amount of alcohol that she is buying.

He has thrown her phone at her head while she was asleep on at least one occasion that we know of.

He has become paranoid about her having an affair when none exists. I'm not sure if this is because of the drugs cocktail.

She has to get him out of bed on a morning and put his socks on for him before he can start the day. Allegedly because of the pain he suffers. The amazing thing is that he works up ladders all day long without any apparent issues.

His smoking of substance takes place in the garage and it has been commented on by neighbours.

One of the issues is that they have a three year old daughter and we are worried what affect this will have on the little one.

My daughter has come to the end of her tether and is planning to leave him and we have advised her to stay put and see a solicitor with a view to getting him to ship out on the grounds of mental cruelty and unreasonable behaviour and for the welfare of our granddaughter.

My daughter has put up with this since their marriage and sporadically prior to this but it seems to have got much worse.

I would welcome any advice that I can offer to her from other members please.

Thanks in anticipation.

[Kati]

Re: Help for daughter with unreasonable husband with dissability

Hi [MENTION=32966]shimeld[/MENTION] ... I'm not sure what advice I could offer you or your daughter myself, but I'll tag [MENTION=87380]Diana M[/MENTION] [MENTION=31453]PAWS[/MENTION] [MENTION=2]Celestine[/MENTION] [MENTION=39710]des8[/MENTION] for you (they might be able to suggest something and offer support) xx

[des8]

Re: Help for daughter with unreasonable husband with dissability

Hi [mention]shimeld[,mention]

Although tagged by Kati, I'm not sure I can offer any practical advice.

I can have some idea of what your daughter is enduring, as I have a daughter in law in somewhat similar circumstances.
My son has a back condition which gives him constant pain. To relieve it he's on powerful opoids.
All of this has changed his personality and he has become very controlling towards his wife.

The main consideration must be your daughter and grand daughters safety.
If she has any hint that he is about to become violent she should remove them both from danger immediately.

Whether or not she should move out this link will give a basic understanding of the relevant position: https://www.citizensadvice.org.uk/relationships/relationship-problems/relationship-breakdown-and-housing/common-issues-relationship-breakdown-and-housing/relationship-breakdown-and-housing-can-you-make-your-partner-leave/

Really, as parents we found all we could do was to support them both and try not to interfere.
I wish you and your extended family well and hope the situation is soon resolved

[PAWS]

Re: Help for daughter with unreasonable husband with dissability

Hello Shimeld –
This is worse for you as your natural instinct is to protect your daughter. I am sure someone will come along to advise re her legal position but this is so much more than that!
Does your son -in -law ever apologise to your daughter after these bouts of unacceptable behaviour?
There is no doubt this situation is intolerable. Yes, we would do anything for a loved one who needs help but your daughter is only human and there is the issue of your granddaughter who should not be exposed to this sort of irrational behaviour. It is however very, very hard to leave someone you may still love and to leave your home. It is also very hard emotionally to kick out someone who could be considered vulnerable especially when you still, despite it all, have strong feelings for them.
Personally, I would be inclined to think that If he can work up ladders he does not need someone to put his socks on -now I know bad bouts can come and go but this seems particularly ‘selective’. Regular use of cannabis can cause paranoia and pretty dodgy mood swings. It is believed to relieve the pain of conditions such as this but can cause more issues than it solves. However, it may be his prescribed medication, especially as many prescription pain killers are opiate based, that is causing the irrational and aggressive behaviour. Whatever it is, HE needs to sort it out with his primary health care people or he will lose his family and if he can function well enough to work then he can mentally digest this.
There are many support groups out there but one has to be careful of the more ‘militant’ advisors who see such a situation as black and white. She is so lucky to have you there as many women are totally alone with no sanctuary or safety net but remember she may still love him and simply breaking up may not be as easy as it seems so this is a situation that needs a very delicate touch!

[shimeld]

Re: Help for daughter with unreasonable husband with dissability

Hello Shimeld –
This is worse for you as your natural instinct is to protect your daughter. I am sure someone will come along to advise re her legal position but this is so much more than that!
Does your son -in -law ever apologise to your daughter after these bouts of unacceptable behaviour?
There is no doubt this situation is intolerable. Yes, we would do anything for a loved one who needs help but your daughter is only human and there is the issue of your granddaughter who should not be exposed to this sort of irrational behaviour. It is however very, very hard to leave someone you may still love and to leave your home. It is also very hard emotionally to kick out someone who could be considered vulnerable especially when you still, despite it all, have strong feelings for them.
Personally, I would be inclined to think that If he can work up ladders he does not need someone to put his socks on -now I know bad bouts can come and go but this seems particularly ‘selective’. Regular use of cannabis can cause paranoia and pretty dodgy mood swings. It is believed to relieve the pain of conditions such as this but can cause more issues than it solves. However, it may be his prescribed medication, especially as many prescription pain killers are opiate based, that is causing the irrational and aggressive behaviour. Whatever it is, HE needs to sort it out with his primary health care people or he will lose his family and if he can function well enough to work then he can mentally digest this.
There are many support groups out there but one has to be careful of the more ‘militant’ advisors who see such a situation as black and white. She is so lucky to have you there as many women are totally alone with no sanctuary or safety net but remember she may still love him and simply breaking up may not be as easy as it seems so this is a situation that needs a very delicate touch!

Hi paws.

Thanks for your very positive and affirmation of our precise thoughts on the matter.

He does apologise as far as I know so is aware that his actions are causing her emotional pain.

I didn't mention previously that she is drinking far more whiskey than she ought to and in a fast paced job trying to keep work, home and family together whilst also living with a neurological condition. She has taken the sensible step of seeing her GP today who has ordered tests for kidney function as a precaution and has advised how she can cut down on the drinking.

I wouldn't say that she is an alcoholic though, just trying to cope however as we all know drink just makes you more depressed.

They are going abroad for Christmas with other family members so it may be a good time for reflection and together they may be able to come to a positive way forward in the new year when I think we may all have a family get together to see how it's going.

We all want to see this have a favourable outcome for my daughter and granddaughter whether they stay married or not.

Again thanks for your helpful comment.

[PAWS]

Re: Help for daughter with unreasonable husband with dissability

I hope her GP is aware that the drinking is a symptom and not a stand-alone problem.
There are many people, many on here in fact, whose lives are dedicated to the care of loved ones with debilitating conditions. It is hard, and both the sufferer and the carer can, to be frank, be driven to breaking point. It is not his fault he has a chronic and painful condition but it is not your daughters fault either and she can only do so much. He needs to realise the problem is not his condition but the way he is dealing with it.
He has to start helping himself and it sounds to me like a bit of psychiatric counselling could help him along with a reality check. There is no shame in asking for psychiatric help. He also needs to discuss other ways of dealing with the pain as this current method is not working and if his current GP is not willing to discuss this or get him the referrals he needs it is time to change to another surgery.
Sure, he has not got perfect health but he has a good wife who is at the end of her tether. If he keeps on like this he will wind up alone and constantly stoned.
Love can help us to cope with so much mentally and physically. Yes, self-preservation has to come into play especially when there are children involved but with support and bit of sock pulling on his part all will be well.
You sure did bring up a solid girl!

[shimeld]

Re: Help for daughter with unreasonable husband with dissability

HI I'm back with more news on this matter.

They came back from there extended holiday after Christmas and were resolved to try and make a go of it however since then things have deteriorated.

They have been to see a Relate trained councillor however the husband rather reluctantly attended citing that he believes there is no problem so as to point the finger of blame towards my daughter.

He is happy to maintain the status-quo as if nothing has happened. This includes not helping with household chores without being pushed hard, playing with toy aeroplanes until complained at. He'd rather play with his toys than clean the dog mess in the yard. I have personally been there when my daughter is working and their daughter still isn't dressed and washed for the day at 12pm or later. It all amounts to unreasonable behaviour and is grounds for divorce.

My daughter wants a separation and him to live somewhere else for a while while things cool off but form our point of view this won't work because he can't afford to rent on his own and he has no mates that could help. His family cant help with accommodation either.

As far as I can see the only real solution is an occupation order for 6 to 12 months forcing him to move out or a divorce.

I know we should let them get on with it but I just need some advice for when she turns to us for help.

It seems such an impossible situation.