ex husband and contact

[Glenn UK]

Re: ex husband and contact

first of all sorry you're having this grief.

i am one of those absent fathers (i.e. my son lives with his mother)and so perhaps come from another perspective. I am not comparing him/you/your son to my situation but do think that your son is the only one that matters in this situation given his age and circumstances.

Personally i think that trying to explain things about his father is going to be close to impossible without putting yourself in the position of being seen to stirring things up by him.

My wife suffered from this problem when she was a girl with her mother and father splitting up.

ultimately I think the best thing you can do is reassure your son of the love and support he gets from you and at his age let him make his own mind up about his father.

That doesn't mean i think you should run after your ex, only to be careful about how you deal with him to your ex.


Whatever happens please try not to let it come between you and your son.

Best of luck

Glenn

[fuzzybrain]

Re: ex husband and contact

You really have my sympathy, because whatever way you turn there are emotional problems attached and none of it is your fault or doing.

legally, you can refuse to collect your son - you have a court order that sets out contact between your son and his father. If you ex (you son's father) wants this changed then he should apply to the court for this, he shouldn't take it upon himself to re write the order.

However your ex is playing the emotional thumb screw game. He knows you have to deal with the aftermath of his behaviour and the effect this has on your son. He knows you want what's best for your son and will try to protect from emotional harm, so is using that to get his own way.

At 13 your son will be able to see the games your ex is playing (even if he chooses not to verbally acknowledge that with you) I know it's really really hard, but I think you need to explain to your son that you do not have the finanical abilities to meet the cost of picking him up from his dad's. Stick to the facts, stay neutral and try and keep emotion out of it (I know much easier said than done!!). if you attack his father or go negative against him, your son may feel the need to defend him.

We all know that if your ex gave 2 hoots about his son then he would make the effort, but your son doesn't want or need to hear that from you - he will be able to draw his own conclusions by his father's behaviour.

Is it possible to access some sort of counselling for your son - if you speak to student support at the school they maybe able to bump him up the list a bit - or they maybe able to give you some details of other oganisations (in our area we have Breakthrough, which is a voluntary community service for teenagers that need extra support).

Good luck

[archer_66]

Re: ex husband and contact

sorry been away for a few days internet was off.
i have to agree with you all on this .. ive explained to our son i cannot afford pick him up ,and hes very grown up and a lovely lad.
its hard being made out to be the bad guy all the time, but ive had enough after all these yrs
like you say its up to him to pick him up and drop him off and make the effort.
Ame im sorry about your situation it tears your heart out though doesnt it watching their faces..
for some reason out of the blue yesterday his dad text me asking if our son was going round, i told him that he wasnt and that i couldnt afford it
he text me back a few hours later saying that he will bring and fetch him . just let him know when he wanted to go. not sure why the change of attitude to be honest ive had no contact with hm all week since our son went to his
he said he couldnt do next weekend though as they were going away..( thought he had no money?)
i said hes disappointed me acting the way he is and its no wonder our son doesnt feel wanted and i wasnt up for an arguement.. he hasnt text back since ...
well i asked our son today if he was going to his dads today and he said no...
we do go out when money is available, even if its to the park. we went to the farm today cos i got my child benefit so everyone was happy but the fresh air seems to have given the kiddies an apetite cos theyve ate non stop since!! lol
i am being set up as a scape goat but i think its the end of the line for that cos ive had enough
thanks all for the support sometimes doubt creeps in and i think im the one in the wrong , glad i wasnt the only one thinking what i was
hugs to everyone
xx

[Emerald]

Re: ex husband and contact

It depends how you want ot play it really, but if you are gettting no maintenace then tell your ex that unless he willing collects and returns your son when your son wants to see him then you will go the CSA.

The court order does nothing for you - basically it just means you have to make your son available on those days - if he doesnt turn up then you cannot enforce it, on the other hand if you don't comply then there are all sorts of nasty comebacks........very unfair.

You sound like you are doing a great job with your son and coping admirably, hold that thought and just think what your ex has missed being part of him growing up.

Take Care

[archer_66]

Re: ex husband and contact

aww emerald thank you.
youre right about the court order.im not sure why it cant be made enforceable,its not worth the paper its written on
only person who gets hurt are the kids , and they dont deserve it
xx