Fendyweathers Sis -v- Ex Boyfriend

[Fendyweather]

Hi need advice cos this really isnt my speciality. My sis was with a guy who we all thought was a bit of an idiot but treat her ok most of the time for about 3 years. They had a child together (little girl), and then when little was 1 things started going badly wrong and they split. It was an on off relationship for a further 2 years until eventually he left, couldnt cope with pressure of being a dad. He already had a son to an ex partner whom he hardly ever saw and didnt pay any money to. My sis and he never lived together because she was on benefit and gets most of her rent paid by benefits etc. (dont know how all this works), but anyway, he agreed to pay £30 a week towards the little girl and has done for about a year, but now he has said he is skint and wont pay a bean towards the child, but still wants to be allowed to see her. My sis has tried being reasonable and wants him to be a present involved father for the sake of his little girl who loves him (even though he is and always was a moron) but why should she let him see her when he refuses to pay towards her upbringing. She doesnt want to use the child as a tool or weapon against him not paying, but what can she do to make him contribute. He works, but has massive debts and gambles and gets drunk at the pub a lot and lives for drink, mates, boozing and gambling in bandit machines. He was always like that and we all warned her for many many years but it fell on deaf ears. Love was blind. How does she force him to pay some kind of small token gesture maintenance for his child. He got back in touch with his son who is 10 and started to get back in with the childs mother by starting to pay maintenance to her again instead, but all he was after was getting back with her, he cant be on his own, he is weak and lacks self esteem in my opinion, but as a result of him giving money to her for his son, he says he cant afford anything for his daughter. My brother works at the same place is this idiot, and says he is working and earning good money, yet he never has anything to show for it and has never paid any of his debts. He lives at home with his mother and always has, but we wonder why the CSA have never chased him for child maintenance when my sister has given all his contact information to the social etc to track him down and make him pay. But nobody has done anything and yet he still continues to mentally and verbally abuse my sister both on the street outside in full view of the neighbours and down the phone, he wont pay money, but he still wants to see his daughter. What a mess. Anybody know where she stands in trying to get him to pay something. He earns about £500 a week from all accounts, but he wont even pay £30 a week towards his little girl. Thats all she wants from him and then will allow him to see his daughter again. Help.................. this is territory with which I am not familiar at all. Where does she goes next to force him to pay. Any body any ideas ???? Im biased of course, my sister is a lovely lovely person and wants her daughter to see her father, but doesnt see why he should have the toffee and the half penny, i.e. pay nothing, yet still get the pleasure of being with his daughter. Help.

[enaid]

Re: Fendyweathers Sis -v- Ex Boyfriend

You should get some info and help from here http://www.csa.gov.uk/ it gives all the rights etc of both parents.
Enaid x

[Fendyweather]

Re: Fendyweathers Sis -v- Ex Boyfriend

Hi Enaid,,,,,,,,,,,, thanks for the info, but shes already completed all info at Dss offices for her income support claim and for the last few months they have done nothing. Havent been able to squeeze anything out of him and he still refuses to pay anything but still turns up demanding and being threatening wanting to see his little girl. So other than take legal action against him, we are stuck really. But thanks for trying. I really do appreciate it. The sage goes on. xxxxx

[Paule]

Re: Fendyweathers Sis -v- Ex Boyfriend

She needs to go and see a family specialist solicitor.
Most usually give you a free initial consultation, so they can assess what can be done

[Fendyweather]

Re: Fendyweathers Sis -v- Ex Boyfriend

Um, thats what I thought, but she really cannot afford it at all. I would help her all I can but she seems to think that if she pursues him through legal channels that he may harm her or even worse the child, as he has a very very bad temper and is very unpredictable, so she is thinking that its just best to leave it and not rock the boat, but its so injust. How she is surviving amazes me. She can teach most people a thing or two about how to survive on £20 a week food shopping. Shes brilliant. Extremely efficient. Never mind, sometimes thats just the way life works out. Im sure if we leave him alone he will just fade away, find somebody else to hassle and stop wanting to see the little girl, which whilst tragic that the child wont have him in her life, is probably the best for all concerned all round, knowing how unpredictable, unreliable and very angry he gets. Would be best if she had never met him at all. Life huh....................... mad. !!!!

[Paule]

Re: Fendyweathers Sis -v- Ex Boyfriend

Um, thats what I thought, but she really cannot afford it at all.

The have FREE initial consulatations, but she needs proper advice on the matter.

he may harm her or even worse the child, as he has a very very bad temper and is very unpredictable

Shes needs to go to the Police NOW then before it happens

[Fendyweather]

Re: Fendyweathers Sis -v- Ex Boyfriend

I know she does but he just makes out to the police he is all mouth and no trousers, i.e. he admits he has a temper and spouts off publicly about the situation but he has told the police he would never harm her etc. etc. etc. and they believe him. He is crafty, he can turn on the sane tap when he wants to those who need to hear the right thing. She has kept all the abusive text and phone messages he has sent her on her mobile phone and answer phone at home, just in case, but its more about trying to be fair. She doesnt want her little girl to suffer by not seeing her father because she loves him, but yet she doesnt want to let him the benefit of seeing his little girl without paying anything towards her upbringing. But she feels like she is using the child as a manipulation tool and isnt happy about doing that. She really really wants to be fair to him, but he is an idiot who wont accept any reasonable situation or any extended olive branches of compromise. He just wont. How do you handle somebody like that. The police have catalogued her concerns, but because he hasnt done anything yet (god forbid) other than be abusive verbally and mentally they cant do anything they have said. Its very frustrating, but his behaviour has already been noted by the local police so they are aware of the situation, but its just so hard trying to know what to do next without making him any angrier to cause even more trouble. Im sorry. Normally Im whizz bang on anything financial and can find my way through it, but this is all new territory for me. I have never been in a situation like this so really dont know what advice to give to her for the best, other than heres my house key, come up here whenever you need to escape your house because hes harassing you, and heres my number I can be at your house in like 1 minute flat if he starts anything. I want her to go to solicitor, but she is frightened he will cause more trouble once he knows she is getting legal advice about it all. Aghghgghghghghgghghg. I cant make her do something she is not happy with, even though I know its the right thing for her. I have to somehow convince her to get the right help and advice without living in fear for her safety.

[Emerald]

Re: Fendyweathers Sis -v- Ex Boyfriend

He hasn't been to court so has no contact rights. The maintenance is a seperate issue and she should chase up the CSA for this, but be aware that they will not pass the full amount on to her as she is claiming benefits.

If he is as unpredicable as you say, regardless of whether he is paying maintenance or not does she really want this man around her child?

Is he on the birth certificate, if not does he have parental responsibility through any other form of agreement?

She needs to take advice from a family lawyer regarding his threats and at the very leat keep a diary of his behaviour, also change her phone number, and if she really needs to contact him withold the new one when doing so.

www.ondivorce.co.uk and www.ukaff.org are both good resources for this sort of situation.

[Fendyweather]

Re: Fendyweathers Sis -v- Ex Boyfriend

Sound advice and something weve already told her to do. His name is on the little girls birth certificate although he has never lived with my sister as a present father. He has always just been around in the background all the time being a distant father. He has never hurt either of them physcially yet, but mentally yes, and very abusive verbally and mentally. She just doesnt want her daughter to grow up hating her for not having let her see her father, and she strongly believes its better for a child to have contact with both parents. She is trying desperately to be fair, but just cant stand the verbal and mental abuse. She wants the little girl to grow up and be able to make up her own mind about her father, without it having been influenced by her mother. Ultimately though her instinct is to protect her little girl at whatever cost. The fall out of all that in years to come may well be that the little girl believes she prevented her father from seeing her, but I just see it as my sis being careful with the daughter that she loves and wants to protect from any possible harm. I have encouraged her to see a family law solicitor this next week and hopefully with a bit of pushing from us all she will finally agree. I can only hope. But she has been keeping a diary of every incident for the last three months and continues to do so. As the saying goes.............. you can lead a horse to water but............... xxx thanks everybody though.

[fuzzybrain]

Re: Fendyweathers Sis -v- Ex Boyfriend

There was a change in law around 2003/2004 that allowed fathers that were named on birth certificates parental responsibility (PR). Previous to that PR could only be obtained by the father if he were married to the mother or if it had been applied for and granted by court.

The matter of maintence and contact are two seperate issues. the mother can not deny contact just because of non payment - HOWEVER if she is concerned that the child is at risk by having contact with the father then she should seek legal advice and request that contact is ceased or at least supervised.

The NSPCC may be able to give free further advice on this issue.

The mother could contact her local domestic violence officer and explain the situation as if the father is still being abusive (which by the description he is) they maybe able to ofer support and advice. They will also be able to refer her to other agencies for support and help her draw up a safety plan to help protect her and her child. Please remember that domestic abuse is not just physical, but mental too. Mental abuse and the trauma this causes is devestating to the sufferers and DV officers recognise this and can work with suffers to help resolve these issues, they can help support the victim to gain a restraining order, install panic buttons etc

My suggestion (for what it is worth) would be to approach a family lawyer and ask about contacting being supervised and held in a contact centre until the father recognises the harm his behaviour is causing and takes step to remedy this. The evidence you are gathering is a fantastic idea and should continue (in as much detail as possible) as it will help support the case should it go before a judge.

[Fendyweather]

Re: Fendyweathers Sis -v- Ex Boyfriend

Once again thanks for the excellent advice. Im trying my very best to push her down these avenues suggested which I had already thought of in most cases but because of the fear involved she is very very reluctant to undertake many of them. She fears reprisals from him against either her or her little girl if she involves third parties. To date he hasnt harmed either of them physically, just verbally and mentally abusive but only to my sister, (not his child). She really really wants him to to be a presence in his daughters life. She doesnt want to deprive him of a wonderful little girl, (and we must remember here, its his little girl too), she is trying desperately to be fair, but then if he isnt prepared to contribute financially, not even to the tune of a pound, then why, really why ?? should he get to see his little girl. Why should he have a wonderful benefit in his life, without contributing diddly towards he care and upkeep. ??? this is the question I ask myself and my sister every day. We completely appreciate the little cannot be used as a tool against her father, that is the last thing on our minds, but why should he even be allowed to have this wonderful little girl in his life when he cares nothing at all about the where the food comes from that goes in her mouth every day. About the roof over her head, about the clothes on her back. My sister works flat out to pay for these things for her little girl and generally provide the love, warmth, parenting etc. etc. that this little girl desperately needs in her life, but why oh why does the government do nothing. Surely to ensure that absent fathers cannot be in their childrens lives without expecting to contribute even the tiniest amount is just callously unfair. My sister has suggested supervised visits at a neutral meeting place, but he has thrown this out completely. Every single olive branch we offer this man is repudiated absolutely by him. Its his terms or no terms. The situation is absolutely frustrating beyond belief. It remains. Some people in this life you simply cannot ever get through to. You just cant. Its impossible. He is on facebook regularly trying to attract more meaningless flings and relationships with poor unsuspecting females, and they have no idea of his character. , It is a sad sad sorry situation. but thanks again everybody for all the suggestions. I do appreciate them and am trying to encourage my sis to take the necessary steps. We wait with baited breath. xxxxx

[scoobydoo]

Re: Fendyweathers Sis -v- Ex Boyfriend

Hi really sorry for your sisters situation.

I agree with the comments about supervised meetings and really trying to keep the money issue totally separate from the visitation issues. I know its hard but he sounds just like my ex- brother-in-law who was a bully ( not physically but mentally ) to my sister .

When shove came to push he was all mouth and no trousers - but you can never be sure - and therefore in the circumstances supervised visits would seem to be the immediate answer until he learns that his behaviour is not going to get him what he wants.

My sister struggled to get money out of her ex and in the end she felt relieved when she gave up on it all and accepted that he would have to be the one who would have to live with the fact that in that respect he had been a bad father.

The girls still see him and they are adults now , he can still be unreliable but deep down I still think he loves the girls but at least they are old enough now to make their own decisions about him.

It seems this guy has always got what he wants by bullying and thats not really a good example for the child and personally I would worry more about that than the money at this stage and hopefully the relevant departments migh pull their fingers out and get that sorted for her.

She is lucky to have supportive family like you around and I hope she is not like my sister always asking for advice and doing exactly the opposite. At the moment she is experiencing the teenage life she never had ( I could not repeat what she gets up to) at 47 - she is much more of a worry than her teenage daughters! Families!