ex has long standing mental health issues undiagnosed, no one is listening

[dadworriedsick]

I have been living in a situation I didn't feel I could get out of.

my ex has been substantially neglectful of my son, myself, her other son whom I have parented for 4 year and consider and treated as my own and also of herself.

I was under the impression if I left there would be no way I could get the children away. part of my ex's behaviour is going to others and poisoning them against me. in this way I became completely isolated and as she would leave practically every day for 2-6 hours or longer sometimes and I kept the house going.

my ex appeared to no longer hear me and would misperceive much of what I would say. she seems to have been suffering massively and I have been sympathetic to her.

she has been hitting herself in the face for around 2 years and has gouged the side of her face too.

she has often ignored my son's needs (2 and half) since about 9 months and her bond to him is now poor. in august she left for 8 days, 5 of which she has admitted to the court, with no money and on the last day of her absence I received a note asking me to vacate. I left the next day taking my son and leaving hers as I have no pr. after 6 weeks she made an emergency application and we had directions on the 9th October.

she has claimed I mentally physically and emotionally abused her, claims I have refuted. in directions I argued for a section 7 report and temporary residency but the judge has opened up access for her, two 5 hour contacts and then two five day including overnight contacts. I was advised not to talk about things I cannot prove and this took most of the force out of my argument though the judge did say we had both made serious allegations. she has claimed in her application she was my sons primary carer.

the first contact happened on Friday and when I passed my son to her he showed no positive emotion to her and just looked at me, started calling daddy, daddy and crying. she showed little emotion handing him back, he was asleep. she said don't wake him and this in itself made me wonder how the contact had gone. the next contact is on Monday and the five day contact starts on Wednesday. she has not got him to sleep for the last year and a half and her involvement on few occasions ended with her aggressing my son and giving him back to me.

I have established a pattern of her hitting herself going back 10 years at least. I know of at least 3 ex boyfriends she has accused of raping her no police contacted and one she think tried to kill her in a drug overdose. there is much more to this story but I don't even know what's relevant.

I have no solicitor as no money. if you've read this far thank you. what on earth should I do?

[Johnboy007]

Re: ex has long standing mental health issues undiagnosed, no one is listening

Well my friend, you have taken the first step in the right direction.
Here you will find lots of friendly help and advice, perhaps from those who have been in similar situations.
Just keep checking the site until some-one gets in touch.
Good luck,
JB

[MissFM]

Re: ex has long standing mental health issues undiagnosed, no one is listening

I have been living in a situation I didn't feel I could get out of.

my ex has been substantially neglectful of my son, myself, her other son whom I have parented for 4 year and consider and treated as my own and also of herself.

I was under the impression if I left there would be no way I could get the children away. part of my ex's behaviour is going to others and poisoning them against me. in this way I became completely isolated and as she would leave practically every day for 2-6 hours or longer sometimes and I kept the house going.

my ex appeared to no longer hear me and would misperceive much of what I would say. she seems to have been suffering massively and I have been sympathetic to her.

she has been hitting herself in the face for around 2 years and has gouged the side of her face too.

she has often ignored my son's needs (2 and half) since about 9 months and her bond to him is now poor. in august she left for 8 days, 5 of which she has admitted to the court, with no money and on the last day of her absence I received a note asking me to vacate. I left the next day taking my son and leaving hers as I have no pr. after 6 weeks she made an emergency application and we had directions on the 9th October.

she has claimed I mentally physically and emotionally abused her, claims I have refuted. in directions I argued for a section 7 report and temporary residency but the judge has opened up access for her, two 5 hour contacts and then two five day including overnight contacts. I was advised not to talk about things I cannot prove and this took most of the force out of my argument though the judge did say we had both made serious allegations. she has claimed in her application she was my sons primary carer.

the first contact happened on Friday and when I passed my son to her he showed no positive emotion to her and just looked at me, started calling daddy, daddy and crying. she showed little emotion handing him back, he was asleep. she said don't wake him and this in itself made me wonder how the contact had gone. the next contact is on Monday and the five day contact starts on Wednesday. she has not got him to sleep for the last year and a half and her involvement on few occasions ended with her aggressing my son and giving him back to me.

I have established a pattern of her hitting herself going back 10 years at least. I know of at least 3 ex boyfriends she has accused of raping her no police contacted and one she think tried to kill her in a drug overdose. there is much more to this story but I don't even know what's relevant.

I have no solicitor as no money. if you've read this far thank you. what on earth should I do?

Welcome to LB, Dadworriedsick,

I have taken the liberty of putting your post into paragraphs so that it's easier to digest. I hope that's OK

Please be patient - everyone on here will want to help you. It's a complex situation and will require deep thought.

Meanwhile, lot's of positive thoughts coming your way :hug

[MissFM]

Re: ex has long standing mental health issues undiagnosed, no one is listening

duplicate post

[Kati]

Re: ex has long standing mental health issues undiagnosed, no one is listening

Hi [MENTION=54001]dadworriedsick[/MENTION] ... Welcome to LB!!

I have a couple of questions if you don't mind answering them ...
1, are social services involved in this at all??
2, have you argued against her having contact at all??

As has already been said by other Beagles ... you have taken a BIG step by coming on here for advice (well done ) I can understand how hard this is for you, but hopefully everything will be ok

Kati xx

edit: I have seperated your first post into the paragraphs as per MissFM's suggestion ... K xx

[leclerc]

Re: ex has long standing mental health issues undiagnosed, no one is listening

I have been living in a situation I didn't feel I could get out of.
my ex has been substantially neglectful of my son, myself, her other son whom I have parented for 4 year and consider and treated as my own and also of herself. I was under the impression if I left there would be no way I could get the children away. part of my ex's behaviour is going to others and poisoning them against me. in this way I became completely isolated and as she would leave practically every day for 2-6 hours or longer sometimes and I kept the house going. my ex appeared to no longer hear me and would misperceive much of what I would say. she seems to have been suffering massively and I have been sympathetic to her.
she has been hitting herself in the face for around 2 years and has gouged the side of her face too. she has often ignored my son's needs (2 and half) since about 9 months and her bond to him is now poor. in august she left for 8 days, 5 of which she has admitted to the court, with no money and on the last day of her absence I received a note asking me to vacate. I left the next day taking my son and leaving hers as I have no pr. after 6 weeks she made an emergency application and we had directions on the 9th October.

she has claimed I mentally physically and emotionally abused her, claims I have refuted. in directions I argued for a section 7 report and temporary residency but the judge has opened up access for her, two 5 hour contacts and then two five day including overnight contacts. I was advised not to talk about things I cannot prove and this took most of the force out of my argument though the judge did say we had both made serious allegations. she has claimed in her application she was my sons primary carer.

the first contact happened on Friday and when I passed my son to her he showed no positive emotion to her and just looked at me, started calling daddy, daddy and crying. she showed little emotion handing him back, he was asleep. she said don't wake him and this in itself made me wonder how the contact had gone. the next contact is on Monday and the five day contact starts on Wednesday. she has not got him to sleep for the last year and a half and her involvement on few occasions ended with her aggressing my son and giving him back to me. I have established a pattern of her hitting herself going back 10 years at least. I know of at least 3 ex boyfriends she has accused of raping her no police contacted and one she think tried to kill her in a drug overdose. there is much more to this story but I don't even know what's relevant. I have no solicitor as no money. if you've read this far thank you. what on earth should I do?

You have to follow 100% the direction of the court. You must focus solely on what is in the interests of your child rather than on what your ex is doing.

Please be careful and mindful of what the court states because by complying with it, you will continue to be the good guy. You should focus on the good things that you have with your child rather than on the negatives of the ex. Concerns are valid and a section 7 report does sound reasonable. Are you seeking sole custody of your child?

[dadworriedsick]

Re: ex has long standing mental health issues undiagnosed, no one is listening

social services came to our house in june primarily based on information relayed by my ex to someone who had reported it to nspcc.

during the visit my ex was taken upstairs to the boys bedroom where she was asked about the behaviour I was accused of and she flatly denied I was abusive to her in any way. she said this person was trying to cause the family problems, this person being her mum.

on the assessment brought by the social worker I was accused of being so aggressive that the health visitor and the educational welfare officer would not come to the house amongst other things. upon strong denial that could even be true the s.w. said it was also strange as she knew the health visitor personally and felt she would not have put up with any messing. I spoke to the health visitor who said she had said nothing of the sort. upon the s.w. leaving I asked her what I should do about the lies written and she said it was a bit of a hornets nest and best left alone and that she had no concerns anyway and the case would be closed.

included in the initial assessment was a referral by an outreach charity organisation because my ex had not known the date, month or year, when filling out a form for them.

also the mother in law had told my ex 2 weeks prior to the visit that s.s. would be visiting and they would take the children if she did not get rid of me. I understand a s.w. is a client of the ex's mum. this information was relayed to the s.w. but nothing made it onto the initial assessment.

since this, s.s. have visited me after I took my son as the health visitor suggested I self refer to the children in need scheme which did through her and in the interview I think it was just to find out what is going on. I mentioned my ex hitting herself, self medicating and suggested there was an underlying mental health problem. I have spoken subsequently to her and she said she cant get involved as the case is closed with my ex.

My suspicion is that my ex is now medicated and they know this and are waiting to see how things go with her. I base this on how passive and unemotional she was when she passed my son back. If it had been me handing him back after only 5 hours i'd have been in bits. however this is all conjecture.

My impression is s.s. don't want to get involved, perhaps because of what has gone before.

I argued that my ex should have initially supervised access as I knew the lack of relationship would be clear and feed back but I wanted to show I wasn't unsympathetic to her and the knock on effect this must be having on the other boy. I want the brothers to have contact but the judge said the other boy was not part of the proceedings and so I couldn't ask for contact meaning the only way they can have contact is in effect by her having contact.

[dadworriedsick]

Re: ex has long standing mental health issues undiagnosed, no one is listening

I don't know. I want my ex to be better and be the mum my son and the other boy deserves. I want to protect my son and I suppose custody would ensure that but I don't want to take him away from contact with his brother or in an ideal world his mother either. as I've established a long term pattern i'd like the power to do something when she starts to go this way again but I really hope the court process can be a catalyst for positive change though I don't know how

[leclerc]

Re: ex has long standing mental health issues undiagnosed, no one is listening

Has the court appointed a solicitor for the child?(considering what has been said re contact with step brother)....

[dadworriedsick]

Re: ex has long standing mental health issues undiagnosed, no one is listening

I will follow the directions of the court 100% i'm just worried as my position has been eroded that this will continue till i'm out of the picture. on the order contact has been ordered with final part of order stating, at all other times he will live with his father. the time is split roughly 50 50. is that a position of joint custody or slightly in my favor

[dadworriedsick]

Re: ex has long standing mental health issues undiagnosed, no one is listening

no the court has not appointed a solicitor and wasn't mentioned in directions

[leclerc]

Re: ex has long standing mental health issues undiagnosed, no one is listening

Sounds like joint custody to me if it's 50/50 but make sure that you try and be as civil as possible to the ex.

[dadworriedsick]

Re: ex has long standing mental health issues undiagnosed, no one is listening

do you mean in court or on hand overs or both. I am, despite what's been said about me, quite centred and not an angry person. handing him over was extremely painful and worrying and receiving him back was a relief he was ok and I felt a lot of sympathy for my ex, not anger. I'm not out to hurt her in any way, I just wish she wasn't a danger to him, which I think she is. My ex has come from a childhood of neglect herself and so I'm very sympathetic but it has to stop, not be passed on again to the next generation. so far as I could I did that from the inside, shielding the children but now I'm on the outside I just want to keep my son safe and if I can, the other boy too. is now the time to put in a p.r. application on the other boy to join him in the proceedings and can I get a solicitor appointed for my son?

[MissFM]

Re: ex has long standing mental health issues undiagnosed, no one is listening

Your son (each child) should have an advocate appointed to him who will focus purely on his perceived needs. Presumably there is a Cafcass officer involved?

[dadworriedsick]

Re: ex has long standing mental health issues undiagnosed, no one is listening

there has only been the directions hearing, cafcass will be at the next court date. will the advocate be, or can I argue for them to be or include, a solicitor. someone on his side with legal speciality in family law could only be a good thing