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Before I get too into the situation, please let me stress that I am not proud of the events that have led to me being here. However, things happened, as they always do, and now I must try and rectify past mistakes and do what I feel is best for all concerned.
Brief History: 6 years ago, whilst married, I had an affair - well a one night stand - which I later found out had led to a pregnancy (not my finest hour) The "pregnant party" told pretty much everyone who knew me at the time and anyone who would listen (including good ol' Jezza) and generally went crazy. I received death threats, threatening texts aimed at myself, my wife and my stepkids, anonymous calls in the middle of the night, she showed up at my work and my wife's workplace etc....
Fast forward to baby being born and the threats didn't stop. I was told that if I went anywhere near that it would be the last thing I ever did, although various members of my family were allowed access. The abuse I received got so intense and scary that I had to move away just so that it would stop. This didn't work however and in my new place of work, I received more abuse and harrassment which was dealt with by the police at the time. (She even wrote to a popular magazine and had her story published - of which 99% of the story was completely what she had fabricated in her mind)
Oh and in cxase you were wondering - DNA test was priority number one here and it came back that i'm the daddy!
During the course of all of this, I heard that she was having problems of her own and that her own parents were applying for custody of not only my son but also another child which she had shortly thereafter by another man (the parents already had custody of her older daughter) I later found that these problems were related to drugs and alcohol which got so bad that she was selling the kids' beds just to pay for her next hit - Please bear in mind that all of this has been relayed to me fairly recently or I would have been seeking this advice much sooner.
The parents eventually got access through court but not before lots more had happened (It would take most of the night to write everything that went on and everything she did to those kids but lets just say think of all of the bad cases you have ever heard of and combine them and then you will be up to speed on the type of mother we are dealing with here) One example that I could give was- in the words of the social worker - that she was shouting at a social worker so loudly and abusively that her 2 year old son (mine was 4 at this point) tried to kiss her - not out of affection but to calm her down because she was shouting so much. That was actually written in an official document!
My son now lives with her parents who are both older and not in the best of health and are looking after a house full of children including the three I have mentioned and their cousins too. These two amazing people have already had their "parenting years" and are still taking on more children as I have heard she has just had another child (I know shocking isn't it) and they are already looking at the possibility that they may have to take on this one too.
My biggest regret is that I spent a lot of the time whilst this was happening focusing on the wrong aspect of my life and fighting for a marriage that was pretty much over from that night (now split from my wife), rather than fighting for custody myself. I did however offer to help the grandparents in anyway that I could and even gave a "glowing character reference" to the social of the type of person she was.
Up-to-date now and I have started having more contact with my son and see him as much as I can and have been paying regularly for maintenance to the grandparents which is something that I agreed personally with them. Obviously I still live far away from him (around 200 miles) since the move so contact is still fairly sporadic (i hope thats the right word) in that I have seen him roughly once a month for the past few months, each time trying to spend more time with him so that we can bond and he can get to know me. He calls me daddy and recognises that I am his father so there is no real issue there.
THE ADVICE I AM LOOKING FOR: I have started a new chapter in my life and am looking long term what is best for my son. As I have mentioned, he is living with his two "older" grandparents and a house full of children. I am in a place where I can give him so much more than this. I would never stop him from seeing his family, thats not what this is about at all. It comes down to the fact that I am his dad and I have lost 6 years and don't want to spend the next however many years being the dad that lives miles away and only sees him occasionally. I want to give him the love and attention that he deserves and show him that he at least has one parent who won't abuse him and who genuinely wants to be there for him and take care of him.
After reading the report from the social, I have actually had sleepless nights thinking about all of this and wondering A) Why it got so bad before anyone did anything about it and B) Why i am only now finding out shortly after his 6th Birthday
So my main questions i suppose are:
Thank you for your time reading this
FG
Brief History: 6 years ago, whilst married, I had an affair - well a one night stand - which I later found out had led to a pregnancy (not my finest hour) The "pregnant party" told pretty much everyone who knew me at the time and anyone who would listen (including good ol' Jezza) and generally went crazy. I received death threats, threatening texts aimed at myself, my wife and my stepkids, anonymous calls in the middle of the night, she showed up at my work and my wife's workplace etc....
Fast forward to baby being born and the threats didn't stop. I was told that if I went anywhere near that it would be the last thing I ever did, although various members of my family were allowed access. The abuse I received got so intense and scary that I had to move away just so that it would stop. This didn't work however and in my new place of work, I received more abuse and harrassment which was dealt with by the police at the time. (She even wrote to a popular magazine and had her story published - of which 99% of the story was completely what she had fabricated in her mind)
Oh and in cxase you were wondering - DNA test was priority number one here and it came back that i'm the daddy!
During the course of all of this, I heard that she was having problems of her own and that her own parents were applying for custody of not only my son but also another child which she had shortly thereafter by another man (the parents already had custody of her older daughter) I later found that these problems were related to drugs and alcohol which got so bad that she was selling the kids' beds just to pay for her next hit - Please bear in mind that all of this has been relayed to me fairly recently or I would have been seeking this advice much sooner.
The parents eventually got access through court but not before lots more had happened (It would take most of the night to write everything that went on and everything she did to those kids but lets just say think of all of the bad cases you have ever heard of and combine them and then you will be up to speed on the type of mother we are dealing with here) One example that I could give was- in the words of the social worker - that she was shouting at a social worker so loudly and abusively that her 2 year old son (mine was 4 at this point) tried to kiss her - not out of affection but to calm her down because she was shouting so much. That was actually written in an official document!
My son now lives with her parents who are both older and not in the best of health and are looking after a house full of children including the three I have mentioned and their cousins too. These two amazing people have already had their "parenting years" and are still taking on more children as I have heard she has just had another child (I know shocking isn't it) and they are already looking at the possibility that they may have to take on this one too.
My biggest regret is that I spent a lot of the time whilst this was happening focusing on the wrong aspect of my life and fighting for a marriage that was pretty much over from that night (now split from my wife), rather than fighting for custody myself. I did however offer to help the grandparents in anyway that I could and even gave a "glowing character reference" to the social of the type of person she was.
Up-to-date now and I have started having more contact with my son and see him as much as I can and have been paying regularly for maintenance to the grandparents which is something that I agreed personally with them. Obviously I still live far away from him (around 200 miles) since the move so contact is still fairly sporadic (i hope thats the right word) in that I have seen him roughly once a month for the past few months, each time trying to spend more time with him so that we can bond and he can get to know me. He calls me daddy and recognises that I am his father so there is no real issue there.
THE ADVICE I AM LOOKING FOR: I have started a new chapter in my life and am looking long term what is best for my son. As I have mentioned, he is living with his two "older" grandparents and a house full of children. I am in a place where I can give him so much more than this. I would never stop him from seeing his family, thats not what this is about at all. It comes down to the fact that I am his dad and I have lost 6 years and don't want to spend the next however many years being the dad that lives miles away and only sees him occasionally. I want to give him the love and attention that he deserves and show him that he at least has one parent who won't abuse him and who genuinely wants to be there for him and take care of him.
After reading the report from the social, I have actually had sleepless nights thinking about all of this and wondering A) Why it got so bad before anyone did anything about it and B) Why i am only now finding out shortly after his 6th Birthday
So my main questions i suppose are:
- Do I stand a chance if I decided to go for custody - either full or partial
- Where do I start with all of this?
- If custody isn't an option, what else can i do re: contact orders etc?
Thank you for your time reading this
FG
to LB.
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