need advice on access to my child

**Celestine** · 5th July 2011, 09:49:AM

Re: need advice on access to my child

Hi Devoted Dad

If you read a few of the threads in the Family section of the forum, you'll see that I post regularly on this subject. (I have extensive experience and won a court case on behalf of a father)
Ordinarily, I recommend anything but the courts because this usually creates further alienation. I also advise non stop attempts to build bridges with the ex, no matter what.

In your case however, I would recommend initiating court action to get a fair access agreement. Your ex has dicked you around royally and because you had reasonable access from the beginning and this has clearly been withdrawn unfairly, you will have excellent prospects in court.

Do you have copies of the messages from her BF?

Firstly.
Join Families Need Fathers.

Families Need Fathers

They have loads of great legal advice and they do NOT recommend dressing up as Spiderman and climbing tall public buildings! They also have excellent local support groups where you can go to get further advice. They also have lists of solicitors prepared to give free/discounted advice to dads.

Second. Write a full and detailed diary of all events during your daughters life. Be as exact as possible. This is to set out an accurate record of contact thus far; which will establish the precedent set of your access to your child.

I'm assuming you don't have 10k spare?? Most people don't! You may wish to self represent in your case. You will need to work hard, write statements, talk in court and deal with all legal stuff yourself. (with the help of FNF of course)

Your current personal situation puts you in an excellent position and you will certainly be granted a far better access arrangement than you currently have.

GOLDEN RULE: Never, ever, ever show animosity towards your ex in front of court/cafcass officers etc. They will not award residency or extensive contact to a parent who demonstrates hostility towards the ex partner. This is not in the best interests of the child. Of course this will work against your ex and her partner. Demonstrate that you will support and respect her parenting. Absolutely vital.

Read this too: It is they who will make the decision ultimately. The courts abide by 92% OF CAFCASS decisions based on interviews with both parents.

Cafcass - Putting children first in family courts

Keep me posted x Good Luck x

**devoteddad** · 5th July 2011, 10:46:AM

Re: need advice on access to my child

Thank you so much for your reply. messages from her bf are on an old facebook account which im going to do my best to recover. i have recently started saving all convos, my ex has refered to my gfs son as the ****ed up one because of he disabilities and even with that my gf has never sworn, threatened or called her names. we have convos from over the past year of my gf saying she would never try to be her mum as your an excellent mother. i will join the groups and write the diary. About representing myself, im willing to work hard, i just feel like this is such a serious situation i would be worried i wouldnt do it nearly as well as paying someone. I dont really know anything about costs, between me and my gf we could probably afford about £500 per month, am i likely to be able to afford to pay to be represented ? thank you

**Celestine** · 5th July 2011, 10:54:AM

Re: need advice on access to my child

I'm not up to date with likely costs but when I went through it with my ex partner ten years ago, we spent nearly 30k over 3 years and that was with me doing all the research, statement writing etc. But that was a case where the child was to be removed to a non Hague Convention country so needed High Court, barristers, emergency hearings etc etc.

Problem with solicitors is they like to make money........they spend most of the time fighting each other. We ended up telling ours to STOP, ignore 90% of the letters, just address the hard facts, not respond to insults and silly threats.

Spend a good amount of time on FNF, you will feel much more confident. You're just going for fair access, not full residency, so it should be relatively straightforward.

FNF will put you in touch with a decent local solicitor who will give you some advice on how to get started. Come back to me and let me know what you find out. I can help with statements etc.

**Celestine** · 5th July 2011, 10:55:AM

Re: need advice on access to my child

btw. that's disgusting the comments about your GF's son. You need to get access to your daughter and quick because she needs some sane balance in her life xx

**devoteddad** · 5th July 2011, 10:56:AM

Re: need advice on access to my child

Will do. Thank you so much !

**devoteddad** · 5th July 2011, 11:04:AM

Re: need advice on access to my child

btw do you know if its possible that my gf will never be allowed around my daughter ?

**Celestine** · 5th July 2011, 11:35:AM

Re: need advice on access to my child

Absolutely your GF will be allowed access around your child. In fact with a child of her own and a child between you she will be a vital part of your case. Your ex's refusal to allow your GF access is part of the reason why she will be severely weakened if she tries to persist with this vengeful tack.

**devoteddad** · 7th July 2011, 09:16:AM

Re: need advice on access to my child

im now wondering whether to go for full or joint custody as my daughter shares a room with her mum and aunty and shares the rest of the house with her uncle, nan and about 4 of her auntys and at mine she could have her own room or share with her half sister and share the house with my me, my gf, our daughter and my gf's two year old son. l also feel i would give her mum much fairer access than what shes giving me as my daughter deserves her dad AND her mum. Would i be likely to get anywhere with joint or full custody on the basis her house is overcrowded and i would be fairer with access ?

**Celestine** · 7th July 2011, 09:38:AM

Re: need advice on access to my child

Yup, if I were in your shoes, I'd be going for residency (as it is now called), in theory you have a good chance of getting it given that the courts are now meant to be fairer to fathers.
Her living accommodation will be a factor as well as the aggressive BF.
Sounds like you have a lot to offer.

The crucial determining factor will be the fact that you will support mum in her parenting and offer fair and full access.

Have you been in touch with FNF?

You need to start court action asap because the longer the child is resident with her mum, the trickier it will be to change that dynamic.

**catinahat** · 7th July 2011, 11:02:AM

Re: need advice on access to my child

Originally posted by devoteddad View Post

Thank you so much for your reply. messages from her bf are on an old facebook account which im going to do my best to recover. i have recently started saving all convos, my ex has refered to my gfs son as the ****ed up one because of he disabilities and even with that my gf has never sworn, threatened or called her names. we have convos from over the past year of my gf saying she would never try to be her mum as your an excellent mother. i will join the groups and write the diary. About representing myself, im willing to work hard, i just feel like this is such a serious situation i would be worried i wouldnt do it nearly as well as paying someone. I dont really know anything about costs, between me and my gf we could probably afford about £500 per month, am i likely to be able to afford to pay to be represented ? thank you

Sorry to butt in, would you not be able to get any legal aid help? When I was battling with an ex years ago, I was fortunate in that respect to get legal aid.

**catinahat** · 7th July 2011, 11:15:AM

Re: need advice on access to my child

Originally posted by devoteddad View Post

btw do you know if its possible that my gf will never be allowed around my daughter ?

There's does not sound like there is any logical reason, nor legal reason, why that would be the case.

Vengeful ex-partners eventually shoot themselves in the foot. family courts pertaining to residency orders, access, defined access, parental responsibility etc etc etc have seen and heard it all... They tend to be able spot a mile away when a parent is simply being vindictive
If I'm not mistaken, the Children Act (1989??) was a very significant piece of law, insomuch as the paramount issues (rightly) centred around what was 'in the best interest of the child'. Wherever possible, a child needs BOTH parents as you rightly say; unfortunately, people allow their emotions to spill over into how they liaise with the child's absent parent, unfortunately, often with negative impact upon the same child from whom they are trying to protect from being hurt.... (imho) You sound like you you have a good head on yr shoulders and yr GF too... that's what kids yearn for, someone who is constant and there for them unconditionally. Good luck :-)

**devoteddad** · 7th July 2011, 11:33:AM

Re: need advice on access to my child

Thank you all for your replys, im really grateful for all advice and opinions. yes she is very spiteful, a couple of days ago i went to her house (as im not allowed her phone number) to let her know my plans and my daughter was crying for me with her arms out, my gf was waiting in the car but my ex wouldnt let my daughter give me a cuddle until my gf had drove down the street so she wouldnt be able to see my daughter. She seems to think as her mother she has the right to say she can never be apart of my family or allow me to have her. Apart from how controlling and hipocritical she is, is actually a really good mum from what ive seen, my daughters always clean, happy and in nice clothes.

We are currently waiting for our mediation appt... then im going to try the 4 way meetings ive read about as we each have a solictor present who can give legal advice and i think that would help us more than mediation and then if still no agreement press on with court. As i allow know that the courts like you to of tried every other avenue first.

Literally the only thing she has against me is that over the past year ive been late to collect my daughter twice by 5 minutes and the fact i have a picture of both my daughters together because aprently i should of had her permission to allow my 5 months old around my daughter.
------------------------------- merged -------------------------------
oh and also i think i am entitled to legal aid as i dont earn enough from my job. I just really want to do this all as best as possible and if squeezing every penny gets me better results then thats what ill do.

**catinahat** · 7th July 2011, 11:40:AM

Re: need advice on access to my child

Originally posted by devoteddad View Post

Thank you all for your replys, im really grateful for all advice and opinions. yes she is very spiteful, a couple of days ago i went to her house (as im not allowed her phone number) to let her know my plans and my daughter was crying for me with her arms out, my gf was waiting in the car but my ex wouldnt let my daughter give me a cuddle until my gf had drove down the street so she wouldnt be able to see my daughter. She seems to think as her mother she has the right to say she can never be apart of my family or allow me to have her. Apart from how controlling and hipocritical she is, is actually a really good mum from what ive seen, my daughters always clean, happy and in nice clothes.

We are currently waiting for our mediation appt... then im going to try the 4 way meetings ive read about as we each have a solictor present who can give legal advice and i think that would help us more than mediation and then if still no agreement press on with court. As i allow know that the courts like you to of tried every other avenue first.

Literally the only thing she has against me is that over the past year ive been late to collect my daughter twice by 5 minutes and the fact i have a picture of both my daughters together because aprently i should of had her permission to allow my 5 months old around my daughter.

That's the thing though, its never really about what you have or haven't done; when ex-partners behave this way, its not rational, but thats because they are acting from emotion and clearly still have issues around the break up of the relationship... even when it was them who were the chief cause of the relationship breaking down. They may not want to be with you, but they don't want anyone else to be with you either. Its all very silly and very sad... alas, alsi very human...
------------------------------- merged -------------------------------
oh and also i think i am entitled to legal aid as i dont earn enough from my job. I just really want to do this all as best as possible and if squeezing every penny gets me better results then thats what ill do.

I think if you get a good family lawyer, who accepts legal aid, the method by which they get paid, ie from yr pocket ir legal aid coffers, shouldnt have any effect on the level of representation or rather, quality of legal help, that you'll get.

**C1987** · 8th August 2011, 14:32:PM

Re: need advice on access to my child

Hi all,

I have a quick question Re Rights of access by a father in Scotland...

The Childrens Act 1989 may give equal rights to both mother and father but could anyone tell me if this applies in scotland? I have had a look at the Children (scotland) Act 1992 and it would apprear not? It seems Fathers have less right of access.. can anyone clarify?

Ref: http://www.legislation.gov.uk/ukpga/1995/36/contents

Many Thanks,

C

need advice on access to my child

need advice on access to my child

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