Advice Please

[Liam88]

Hi all i have a bit of a situation that i would appreciate some advice on. Il try to include as much detail on the matter as i can without babbling on pointlessly.

Im 22 and my ex partner is carrying my child (26 weeks pregnant) we recently split up in mid February of this year due to her cheating on me in early January, i found out but chose to forgive her and gave the relationship another go but this didn't work and she became unbearable to live with with her changed attitude so i ended things and she moved back to her mum and dads.
Now since this we had a hospital appointment in Manchester and on the 2nd of march and we agreed to meet there separately and after the appointment we agreed to have a chat about the baby to reach an amicable agreement on, however it didn't go quite as planned. firstly she told me the appointment was half an hour earlier than it was so i turned up half an hour early (as i planned to anyway, not something i wanted to miss) and went to reception to be told that my ex partner had just gone into the consultation, i checked the appointment time with the receptionist to be told it was at 1.30pm not 2pm like i was told by my ex partner. I was then told i would be seeing the consultant after my partner. After i had finished in the hospital there was no sign of my ex partner and her phone was switched off.
shes ignored me ever since, phone constantly switched off (although i suspect her number has been changed) no response from other messages and she appears to be never at home when i go around to try and atleast come to an resolution about the baby, which brings me to my current predicament.

Now i read up a little on the matter to try and understand what to do now but cant find any clear answers.

I would like to know what i need to do now bearing in mind my ex partner is trying to hide from the fact i have as much right to be in my childs life as she does, be it seeing my child when born and making decisions for her and i suspect she is going to try and make things as hard as she can for me and play dirty (which she is renowned for doing in general)

Current circumstances are a little complicated, as im not close with her family due to issues she had with them in the past but it seems ever since she told them she was pregnant they've given her the attention that she`s lacked for the past few years and obviously with my ex partner now ignoring me i have no way of at all to communicate with her.

I think its in everyones interest that we have 50/50 shared residence appointed by the court, that way there`s no confusion and no way we can fall out over who is seeing the child and when? (in theory) as im convinced by her actions so far that an amicable agreement between us isn't going to work and will do no good for the child. Is this something i can apply for? what are the chances of getting 50/50 residency? i currently live on my own in a 2 bedroom house but am currently unemployed BUT can easily provide for my child and by the time she is born i will/should/hopefully be in some kind of employment, whereas my ex partner is living in crowded home. (whether that makes any difference?

Ive tried to be as short and to the point as i can, any more info required please just ask, i would be really grateful for advice on this just to get the ball rolling. Iv already bought lots of things for my daughter aswell as reading all the help packs throughout the pregnancy so id like to think im a little prepared and very excited to become a father i just need a helping hand to clear this matter up.

thanks for reading.

[Sapphire]

Re: Advice on shared parenting

If you'r ex is as cold and calculating as you describe, firstly I'd find a local solicitor that specialises in Family Law, you can find some that do the first visit free, and if your on benefits then you may qualify for legal aid, also I'd say that once your ex gives birth she'll be after you for maintenance so you need to get legal advice as soon as you can in order to make sure you are one step ahead of her.
She's probably telling the local authority that the house she's in is overcrowded, and she has no contact with the father, in the hope that she will be awarded a council place pretty soon.
All in all I'd get yourself to a solicitor quickly and get things sorted and ready.

[Guest]

Re: Advice on shared parenting

Are you sure the child is yours? Since she cheated on you in January, how can you be sure that she had not done this before?

Have you considered a paternity test?

[Liam88]

Re: Advice on shared parenting

If you'r ex is as cold and calculating as you describe, firstly I'd find a local solicitor that specialises in Family Law, you can find some that do the first visit free, and if your on benefits then you may qualify for legal aid, also I'd say that once your ex gives birth she'll be after you for maintenance so you need to get legal advice as soon as you can in order to make sure you are one step ahead of her.
She's probably telling the local authority that the house she's in is overcrowded, and she has no contact with the father, in the hope that she will be awarded a council place pretty soon.
All in all I'd get yourself to a solicitor quickly and get things sorted and ready.

yup i really wouldn't be surprised if shes telling people aswell as the local authorities that im not in contact she really has got issues and shes not the person i fell in love with so thats why im kind of expecting her to play dirty.
Il book in at the citizen advise bureau in the week and see what they say.

Are you sure the child is yours? Since she cheated on you in January, how can you be sure that she had not done this before?


Have you considered a paternity test?

we lived together for over a year and she rarely went out apart from work plus i think if that was the case shed rather just say "its not your baby, leave me alone" but then again im not sure, it seems ever since she got pregnant thats when the relationship went downhill. how do i go about doing a paternity test?

thanks

[jax007]

Re: Advice on shared parenting

As far as I am aware, you would need to wait until baby is born and then do a DNA test.

You would then need to get something from baby's body (eg some hair) and then something of your own and do a DNA test.

This should be relatively easy in your case provided you can get access to the baby - it becomes more difficult the other way round when the mother wants to prove paternity as she then needs to get something from the probable father's body, which is not so easy unless he agrees to it

I had a similar case, where my husband's son did not believe he was the father of his child but whereas we could have got something from the baby, it was impossible from his son as we would have had to tell him why we wanted some of his hair, for example. We still have not done this and doubt we ever will now!

[leclerc]

Re: Advice on shared parenting

I would add, that I think you need to keep a log of all contact and information prior to and after the child is born so that should anyone say, he said he would be there at x time and you have a written record that you said y time that the log is consistent.

A further point is that I would specifically request a DNA test prior to agreeing to pay anything to her(even if that means that for a short while you put money in a savings account for the child).

if you are unable to find work and the child is yours then your contribution via CSA is only £5.00 though that increases on employment.

Child maintenance calculator - Child Support Agency

The above gives an indication of what you should pay once you are sure of paternity.

[jax007]

Re: Advice on shared parenting

I had a similar case, where my husband's son did not believe he was the father of his child

It was my husband that did not believe the child belonged to his son - his son accepts the child as his! Sorry!

Also, I believe you do not need mother's consent to do this - google DNA and paternity testing

[Liam88]

Re: Advice on shared parenting

hmm certainly given me something to think about now, il look into this further, does anyone know how me wanting a paternity test affects my rights to see the child when born?

also does anyone know about the shared parenting/shared residence aspect of things?

thanks

[Sapphire]

Re: Advice on shared parenting

Have a read http://www.sharedparenting.org.uk/shared-residence

[jax007]

Re: Advice on shared parenting

hmm certainly given me something to think about now, il look into this further, does anyone know how me wanting a paternity test affects my rights to see the child when born?

also does anyone know about the shared parenting/shared residence aspect of things?

thanks

leclerc just posted this up http://www.sharedparenting.org.uk/shared-residence

Also, I don't think you need to inform anyone regards the paternity test - you just need to get to see babe, get something for DNA sampling and do test. You can cross the access/custody rights bridge when you have the result.
------------------------------- merged -------------------------------

Have a read http://www.sharedparenting.org.uk/shared-residence

SNAP!!

[Liam88]

Re: Advice on shared parenting

brilliant! i really appreciate this guys n girls. iv just collated a diary together so will keep that updated and maybe take it with me when i go to c.a.b.

thats a very useful link ive read that a few times, it certainly sounds promising anyway.

so to sum up so far,

keep diary of all events (or lack of) between me and my ex partner.
look into and carry out dna test (when baby is born)
depending on result look into and file for shared residence.


now, what do i do in between the baby being born and the test results? i really dont want to lose out on the first few days/weeks of her life just to wait for a test to come back, i presume i have the same rights to see her? would i be allowed to have her on my own and at my home? how soon could i realistically do that? i dont like the idea of taking her away from her mother so soon but at the same time why should i lose out? it has to be whats best for the baby.

really appreciate the help its spot on. thanks

[jax007]

Re: Advice on shared parenting

now, what do i do in between the baby being born and the test results? i really dont want to lose out on the first few days/weeks of her life just to wait for a test to come back, i presume i have the same rights to see her? would i be allowed to have her on my own and at my home? how soon could i realistically do that? i dont like the idea of taking her away from her mother so soon but at the same time why should i lose out? it has to be whats best for the baby.

Heyyy ... one step at a time!!

I'm not sure if the law has changed but I know it used to be back in the days that if the parents weren't married then the father had no legal rights - you'd need to check on this.

As far as having baby at home with you, I think that's probably a little premature unless you just mean during the day. Of course this would all depend on whether she's breastfed or not. Also new mothers can also experience something called 'separation anxiety' if they are separated from their baby too early on - even if it's taking baby for a walk while mum rests!

IMO until baby arrives I would be inclined to carry on as normal - have as much contact with mum as possible as you have been doing and document everything in your diary.

Obviously once she arrives you need to try to make contact and see the baby if mum allows you to. As I said, you are going to need to have contact of some sort to be able to get some hair - that if she has any of course!! Again - cross that particular bridge when you get to it.

You can take the legal route once you have the DNA/paternity result if mum's not playing ball.

[Liam88]

Re: Advice on shared parenting

Heyyy ... one step at a time!!

I'm not sure if the law has changed but I know it used to be back in the days that if the parents weren't married then the father had no legal rights - you'd need to check on this.

As far as having baby at home with you, I think that's probably a little premature unless you just mean during the day. Of course this would all depend on whether she's breastfed or not. Also new mothers can also experience something called 'separation anxiety' if they are separated from their baby too early on - even if it's taking baby for a walk while mum rests!

IMO until baby arrives I would be inclined to carry on as normal - have as much contact with mum as possible as you have been doing and document everything in your diary.

Obviously once she arrives you need to try to make contact and see the baby if mum allows you to. As I said, you are going to need to have contact of some sort to be able to get some hair - that if she has any of course!! Again - cross that particular bridge when you get to it.

You can take the legal route once you have the DNA/paternity result if mum's not playing ball.

thats the thing though, shes making it pretty clear she doesnt want me having anything to do with either of them so she will/is making things as hard as possible and i know her parents will be the same if i ask to come and see the baby. thats why i wanted to get the shared parenting/residence sorted asap so theres no problem.

contact between me and the mum is non existent and i cant see that changing thats why im forced into this position.

i get what your saying but i really dont like the idea of practically not seeing the baby untill i get the dna results so i can proceed with legal action, surely theres a better way? really isnt fair that im the one to lose out purely because of her actions.

also iv read up on the residence aspect of things, as far as i know breast feeding shouldnt be a problem as you can freeze the milk, i know she was dead against it when we were together but i wouldnt be surprised if she tried it thinking it would make things difficult for me.

if i were to get shared residence how old would the baby be for this to happen?

thanks

[jax007]

Re: Advice on shared parenting

i get what your saying but i really dont like the idea of practically not seeing the baby untill i get the dna results so i can proceed with legal action, surely theres a better way? really isnt fair that im the one to lose out purely because of her actions.

Sorry Liam I think you've misunderstood me. I didn't mean not seeing the baby - just that you can't really do anything LEGALLY until you know for sure that you're the father and then you need to find out what your LEGAL rights are.

I know this is a very difficult situation and not unique by any means, but you should just try and make what contact you can, if any, and also try to see the baby as much as you can (if possible) once she's here without making a nuisance of yourself - you don't want to end up on the wrong arm of the law in terms of harrassment!!

If you can get to see the baby so much the better, but I didn't mean you should practically not see her until the DNA results - that aspect is irrelevant in terms of initial access.

also iv read up on the residence aspect of things, as far as i know breast feeding shouldnt be a problem as you can freeze the milk, i know she was dead against it when we were together but i wouldnt be surprised if she tried it thinking it would make things difficult for me.

Yes you can freeze breast milk - but has got to express before that can happen and if she ain't gonna do that, she ain't gonna do it!! If she's as difficult as you say, she could also say she's breastfeeding when she's not!

if i were to get shared residence how old would the baby be for this to happen?

Really can't answer that - you would need to seek legal advice.

But what you must be very aware of is that baby's welfare - not yours, not mum's - is absolutely paramount here. I know you want access and you desperately want this child, but don't let what YOU want blur what's best for the baby - I'm sure shared access, if done properly, can be beneficial to all three of you. Do you have anyone (family?) that can give you support if you need it?

My son-in-law has shared access to his daughter and has done since she was about 6 months old when they split (she's 6 now), but that has been very amicable. This was not done legally but accepted between mum and dad so there was never an issue.

Yes, I understand you want shared access/custody asap and there is no reason that you shouldn't get the ball rolling now. Get as much legal advice as you can and make notes on what you can and can't do, what your rights are, etc - forewarned is forearmed as they say.

The DNA stuff can come later .... however, and dare I say it, should baby turn out not to be yours then it will be the end of the road anyway.

Focus on maintaining/making what contact you can with mum so that she can't say you never bothered and keep that diary.

Get legal advice in the meantime and go from there.

[Liam88]

Re: Advice on shared parenting

hmm thats cleared quite a bit up for and kind of changed my perspective on things, your totally right its the babys interests that are the most important here.

il do as suggested and also hopefully sometime this week get an appointment at the cab.

will update this thread in due course (if thats ok)