Teenagers decision?

[mafew]

Hi all, thank you in advance for any advice you can offer me.

I have a family issue which I wanted to get advice on before I go ahead and challenge my ex wife, so that I know whether the law is behind me before things start to get nasty.

My situation is that I have 2 daughters, aged 13 and 14, and have been divorced from their mother for about 7 years and we have been separated 9.
A short time after our separation she met a new partner and moved the children some 80 miles away to live with him. They married but are now going through a divorce.
Instead of trying to keep the children as settled as possible she, after being separated for about 5 months, is moving the children from their current home to live with her new partner some 50 miles from their current home, and about 30 miles from myself.
She has also applied for and accepted a new job, working weekends only, and told the girls that her new partner will look after them when they are not with me.
The children have had a very hard time over the last few months and all the uncertainty of where they will live etc is really taking its toll on them both.
Neither feel comfortable or confident around their mums new partner and feel rushed over moving in with him.
I, as their dad, have not been told any of these plans or arrangements except by my children.

Over the course of this weekend my youngest daughter has come to a decision that she wants to move in with me and my partner full time. This is something she has raised three or four times over the last year or so, going back before her mothers current divorce. I have always tried to make them work things out by supporting her and offering her advice on how to change her home life.
I feel that, in the current situation, that is not a practical solution and would like to move to bring the children to live with me.
My eldest daughter is struggling to make a decision of her own, and is in denial about her feelings in order to cope with the last few/next few months of her life. She has said she would come because she cannot live without her sister. Both are very worried about upsetting their mother but she has now been told, by them, that they do not want to move with her but come and live with me.

I want my daughters to be happy and settled. I want them to feel confident about themselves and to work hard at school while they study for their exams.

I wanted to know, at their age, is their anything that can be done to make their mother accept their decision, or in the reverse, is there anything she can do to prevent the girls deciding for themselves?

I am going to have to speak to her in the next day or so about this, and I am expecting her to threaten all sorts. I would just like to know exactly what she can do and what I can do to help my daughters.

Thank you for your advice.

[Tools]

Re: Teenagers decision?

Hi mafew and welcome, I am sorry to hear of your situation.

This is not definitive advice I will ask someone more knowledgeable to answer your question. My initial answer would be that the best way , as you have suggested, is to sit down with your ex and the girls together and discuss it. If no agreement can be reached and your daughters still would like to move in with you then it may need intervention by a family mediator.

Have a browse also of Cafcass - Putting children first in family courts

[Celestine]

Re: Teenagers decision?

Hi Mafew

I'm really sorry to read about your situation with your daughters. It must be very unsettling for them and you.

Firstly, the fact that you have remained an involved and active dad since your original separation is an excellent plus point legally and emotionally.
Do you have a secure, stable home/job etc?

Because your girls are older, their opinions would DEFINITELY be taken into account if this case were to 'go legal'. In my opinion, the upheaval your ex has been through and the rapid changes she has exposed the girls too, would not look good for her legally either.

The girls are old enough to have their own opinion. You need to try and talk this through calmly with your ex. She may carry some guilt about her changing lifestyle. Perhaps suggest some time living with you whilst she settles into her new life? Maybe don't make it all sound too scary and permanent. What ever happens, your daughters becoming ostracised from either parent is a bad thing emotionally, so you two parents need to prevent that happening at ALL costs. Even if this means you being very supportive of her to try and achieve stability.

If that fails, you will need to seek legal advice. If the girls just 'flee' to you, then your ex could try and accuse you of abduction...so try to make everything happen with her agreement. The girls are under 16 and have lived with her as main carer for several years. Do you know if you have 'PR' Parental Responsibility 50/50 with your ex? Did anything ever go to court during your original split?

Worst case, you would have to take her to court for residency of your girls. This would be expensive and emotionally harrowing for all concerned. Family Courts are unpredictable, but Fathers rights have improved considerably over the last few years.

But! You have a very strong case legally, just see if you can resolve it privately if possible.

TOP TIPS:

Keep a diary of everything. Phone calls/letters/visits/incidents

Be Supportive of your Ex: Strange I know, but no court will award residency to a parent they believe will go on to poison the children's minds against the absent parent. You've got to be able to demonstrate that you would support and encourage their relationship with their mum.

Keep all conversation with the girls neutral and safe. Never ask them to keep confidences or hide stuff from their mum. (e.g. I spoke to a solicitor today, don't worry, we'll get it sorted, just don't tell mummy yet)

Accept that it is an emotional minefield, be strong, calm and measured for your girls.

Best of luck, any questions, just holler.